What to Expect the Toddler Years (134 page)

Share the credit.
Whether it’s a completed drawing or a toy clean-up, telling her she did it all herself when you did most of it isn’t truthful—and is a ploy she’ll see right through. Instead, comment on what a wonderful job you did together.

My son wants to do everything himself. He gets frustrated, and so do I, since he always ends up wasting so much time trying.”

Your toddler isn’t wasting time. He’s putting time—albeit, time you may not have allotted in your schedule—to valuable use. His determined efforts, though seemingly futile now, give him the practice that will eventually make perfect—or at least, competent.

The next time your toddler doggedly resists your attempts to dress him, cut his food, or wash his hands with an uncompromising, “I wanna do it myself,” heed his need. Minimize the mayhem his independence can inflict on your day by allowing extra time in your schedule for his efforts. And be patient, patient, patient, while he practices, practices, practices. Leave fifteen minutes instead of five for dressing if he’s going to insist on dressing himself, and thirty minutes instead of fifteen for eating breakfast if he’s going to feed himself without your help. You’ll feel less pressured, and he will be better able to accomplish his goals if he feels less pressured by you. It will also help if you give some pointers (assuming he’ll accept them) about how to accomplish the tasks he insists on taking over. For example: “I know a great trick for getting that jacket on—just watch.” If he’s resistant to demonstration, try a bit of verbal instruction, offered casually: “Sometimes when I can’t get my shoe on, I loosen the laces a little.” (For tips on toddler dressing, see page 498.)

The good news is that a toddler who prefers to do everything himself will, with your support, soon be able to do almost everything himself, and quite competently, making your job much easier. And his self-sufficiency will bolster his self-esteem, making his life easier.

“My son seems to stutter. Should I be concerned?”

No, you should be patient. Stuttering and stammering are common at this age—usually because a toddler’s vocabulary isn’t yet a match for what’s on his mind. About 1 in 4 toddlers repeats sounds, syllables, or words. This normal “disfluency” may last a few days or a few months or come and go. It often occurs when the child is tired, upset, excited, or being pressured to speak or answer questions. You can best help your child by: using a slow and relaxed tone when speaking with him, giving him your full attention when he talks, refraining from interrupting him (even to help him express himself), and accepting his stuttering without comment (in words, facial expression, or body language). Don’t ask him to slow down, start over, or take a deep breath before he talks, and take great pains to understand what he’s saying so he doesn’t become frustrated. If your child stutters frequently (as often as every few sentences), has a longer duration or repetitions (4 or 5 or more), shows physical tension when trying to speak, is uncomfortable or hesitates to talk because of the problem, ask his doctor about a speech therapist or call the Stuttering Foundation of America at 1-800-992-9392 for information and a referral.

“The other day, my son was playing with his penis and he suddenly asked why it got big when he did that. I didn’t know what to say.”

Toddlers are nothing if not inquisitive, fascinated by the
how
and
why
and
what
of everything around them. So it’s by no means surprising that something so near and dear to your son might pique his curiosity.

A toddler is entitled to an honest response to any question he asks, including this one. But honesty doesn’t oblige you to give a medically or sexually complete answer, which would only go over his head and could possibly frighten him. It should suffice to tell him simply and matter-of-factly that sometimes a penis gets bigger when you touch it. It’s probably a good idea to add that a penis is private, that any touching is best done when he’s alone (see page 242)—and that nobody else should touch his penis (except parents when they’re cleaning it and doctors when they are examining it).

“Every morning, it’s a struggle to get our son out of the house in time for day care. His dawdling makes us late for work and drives us crazy.”

Your toddler isn’t dawdling to make you late or drive you crazy. In fact,
he
really isn’t dawdling at all. What he’s doing is moving at a toddler’s pace, which to working parents, frantically getting ready to leave the house in the morning, is painfully slow.

Trying to get him to move at your pace is not only unrealistic but unfair, and for several reasons.
Inexperience.
Chubby, unpracticed fingers work more slowly than adult digits, making getting out of his pajamas and into his clothes a rather long and drawn-out ordeal.

Distractibility.
Between his bed and his clothes he’s bound to stumble upon at least a dozen attractions that demand his immediate attention, from the block tower he was building last night, to the teddy bear that needs rocking, to the puzzle he just can’t pass by without finishing (and then dumping). With his relatively short attention span and so many temptations spread around him, it doesn’t take long for your orders to “Get your clothes on right now!” to fade from his memory.
Lack of time sense.
You want him to hurry up so you can get to day care and work on time—but he can’t relate to your concerns about being late, getting stuck in traffic, or missing appointments. At his age, he lives mostly for the here and now, and worrying about “later” is not a priority.

That explains your toddler’s perpetual pokiness, but it doesn’t solve your problem. To do that, you’ll have to work around his turtle-toddler pace:

Give yourself a head start.
Getting an early bird start on your own routine (showering, dressing, breakfast making, and lunch-box filling up) will allow you to devote more time to getting your toddler ready, eliminating the last-minute rush, or at least making it less rushed.

Give your toddler a head start.
If you want him to be out of bed, dressed, fed, groomed, toothbrushed, and out the door by 8:15, you’ll probably need to wake him at least an hour before that. The more time he has to work with, the better the chance he’ll be ready on time—and the less pressure there will be to pressure him to hurry. (Remember that the more you prod, the more he’s likely to poke.)

Give your morning a head start.
Free up more time in the morning (perhaps, even more time for sleep) by organizing everything that can possibly be organized before you go to bed at night. Pick out clothes for yourself and your toddler (pick them out together if your toddler tends to have definite opinions in the dressing department), and lay them out in a convenient spot. Listen to the weather forecast on the evening news and set the appropriate outerwear waiting at the door (including boots and umbrellas, if need be). Have your toddler choose the toy he’d like to bring along for the ride in the morning, and have
it
ready at the door, too (always with the understanding that it’s a toddler’s prerogative to change his mind). Discuss what he’d like for breakfast (again, if you’re willing to take the risk that he might change his mind by morning), and prepare as much of it ahead of time as you can (dry cereal and raisins, for example, can be readied, with milk to be added in the
A.M.
). Set the table for breakfast, and prepack whatever you can in his lunch box. Try to avoid leaving relatively nonessential chores (reading the mail, glancing at the newspaper, folding laundry) for the morning.

Set distractions aside.
To keep your toddler on a getting-ready track, help him to dress in your room, or in the bathroom—out of view, if possible, of toys, blocks, books, TV, or the family pet. Or, if it works better, try getting him dressed right after you wake him, while he’s still half-asleep and less likely to be distracted or to protest the process (this will also give him some extra play time). Whatever you do, don’t try to dress him while he’s engrossed in a game or a project. This will understandably upset him and curtail his cooperation.

Set your morning to music.
Pick a CD or tape to play each weekday morning that your toddler will come to associate with getting ready. Something lively and energizing—such as marching music—may help to boost his sluggish pace.

Set aside time for TLC.
Instead of waking your toddler with “Get up, or you’ll be late for day care,” wake him with a hug. Set aside a few minutes in your schedule for some quiet cuddling, perhaps even a quick story before you begin your feverish round of preparations. Not only can this help relax both of you, but it may also help to make your toddler more cooperative.

Set a timer.
Make a game out of getting ready. Set a timer for such tasks as getting dressed and washing up (just don’t use it at breakfast, since you don’t want to encourage racing through meals); let him take the timer with him from room to room so he can have the fun of hearing the minutes tick by or watching the sand slide through. Be sure you leave more than enough time for each procedure, so that he has a good shot at beating the buzzer. Once your toddler recognizes numbers, you can use a digital clock to show him that when “the last two numbers are
2
and
5
, it will be time to get dressed,” or an analog clock to show him that he’ll need to get dressed “when the long hand is touching the 5.”

Set out with what’s keeping him.
When a toy he’s playing with or a book he’s looking at is keeping him from making any progress, suggest that he take it along for the ride (or the walk) to day care.

Set appropriate expectations.
Don’t expect your toddler to stop dawdling immediately or to always be ready to leave on time. Instead of nagging him about his slow pace, offer praise and encouragement when he gets ready on time (or close to it).

On weekends and holidays, when it isn’t necessary to get out early, let your toddler dawdle to his heart’s content. Everybody needs some time off for good behavior, even toddlers.

“It takes forever for us to travel the three blocks from our house to the supermarket because of my son’s dawdling. I ask him to hurry up, but he seems to tune me out.”

To you, a sidewalk is a path that leads you from one location to another. To your toddler, it leads from one discovery to another. So much to explore! To investigate! To pick up! It’s no wonder that walking down the sidewalk is so time-consuming.

The problem is that while your budding geologist is analyzing a pebble specimen, you’re running late. Unless you take the car (or a bus, or a taxi, or the stroller), there’s no sure way of getting from here to there in a hurry when you have a toddler in tow. These tips, though, may help make your trips on foot less troublesome:

Allow time for lagging, if possible. For a walk that usually takes you five minutes, try to allow at least twenty when your toddler’s along. And let him enjoy the extra time to the fullest; don’t spoil them with constant reminders to “Hurry up!”

Learn to relax. If the type-A person in you finds the leisurely pace irritating, try some relaxation techniques while you walk (for example, take several deep breaths, and with each repeat to yourself, “I am relaxed”).

Bring him up to speed the fun way. Challenge your toddler to a race to the corner (but don’t run so fast that he can’t keep up); to a hopping, skipping, or jumping competition (every hop, skip, and jump will bring you closer to your destination); to a “don’t step on the line” contest. Or get him moving by calling his attention to something interesting
ahead—an apple tree in full bloom, a red convertible that’s parked up the block, or a busy construction site.