What to Expect the Toddler Years (135 page)

Keep in mind, the next time your toddler’s delaying tactics irk you, that time
doesn’t
march on for toddlers. Toddlers live in the present; with only very primitive concepts of past and future, rushing makes no sense to them at all.

Remember that you sometimes keep your toddler waiting (“I’ll get you a drink when I’m done with these bills.” “I’ll play with you when I’m finished with the laundry”). That should help put your toddler’s keeping you waiting in perspective.

“My daughter never wants to leave the playground when it’s time to go, and I can never convince her to go without a fight and a tantrum. It’s gotten to where I don’t want to go anymore.”

To a toddler who’s happily settled in the sandbox, one hand maneuvering a shovel full of sand, the other patting down the foundation of a castle in the making, “We have to go now” definitely doesn’t come as a welcome announcement. “Are you ready to go home?” may seem more politic, but isn’t likely to be any more effective. The answer you can expect most of the time is a resounding, “No!”

To entice a two-year-old out of a sandbox, or off the swings, or down from the jungle gym, you have to be cool, calm, and very, very clever:

Join her in the sandbox.
Transitions are usually easier when you don’t have to make them alone. So about ten minutes before your desired time of departure, sidle up next to your toddler in the sand-box and, taking your cues from her, either act as her assistant or cheer her engineering skills on. Or, if your little Jane is swinging from the jungle gym, walk over and ask her to perform her acrobatics for you. Don’t forget to praise her accomplishments. “That flip (or that sand castle) was really great—let’s go home now and tell Daddy about it” is a much more gentle segue into the dreaded exit than “Get off that jungle gym right now—we’re leaving!”

Give adequate notice.
Instead of springing a sudden departure on her, give her fair warning. That way she can have a chance to start getting used to the idea and begin to wind down, getting in her last turns on the slide, scrambling to the top of the jungle gym one last time, and finishing her sand creation. Start with a ten-minute warning, then give an update at five minutes (but don’t issue so many warnings, or make them so threatening, that you spoil the ten minutes you’ve allotted her). When possible, let her complete whatever she’s doing; you don’t like to be interrupted in the middle of something, either. But make it clear she can’t start a new project. If she understands the concept of “one more” or “two more,” you can negotiate: “Just two more times on the slide,” or “once more to the top of the jungle gym.” But be sure that the “two more” doesn’t turn into ten more, or such negotiations will lose their effectiveness.

Make leaving appealing.
“Let’s look for pretty leaves on the way home,” or “You can play with your new blocks when we get home,” or “If we go home now, we can bake muffins” may make leaving the playground less painful. But be wary of out-and-out bribery (“If we leave now, I’ll buy you an ice cream cone on the way home”), at least not on a regular basis, or she’ll come to expect and demand substantial bribes each time you ask her to leave.

Give her “one for the road.”
A snack, that is. Small children often put hunger on the back burner when they’re preoccupied with play and are ravenous by the time they stop. And, as you know, hunger (especially when teamed with disappointment or fatigue) can easily trigger a tantrum. (Make the snack nutritious, but not too filling if you’re headed home for a meal.)

Have toy, will travel.
Sneak one of your toddler’s favorite toys into your tote bag; when it’s time to leave, produce it magically. Having it in hand while you make your exit may make the transition easier.

Be ready to provide transportation.
Just because your toddler walked to the park doesn’t mean that you can count on her to walk home. Legitimately tired, she may not feel up to the hike. So be sure, if you walk, to bring along a stroller or bus or taxi fare for your return trip. (The fun of riding the bus or taxi may also offer extra incentive for leaving.)

If you can’t convince your toddler to leave the playground willingly, remove her physically, but with empathy (“I know you want to stay, but we have to go home now. We’ll come back again tomorrow”). You’re the parent, and you are still boss, after all.

“Our son is the slowest eater. He’s still eating long after everyone else is done, but wants to keep on until he’s finished. How can we speed him up?”

Slow and steady may win the race, but it can drive parents to distraction at mealtime. Yet there’s little you can do about a toddler who prefers to amble through his edibles, except practice patience. It’s important to give your toddler all the time he needs to eat his fill. Rushing, nagging, threatening, or pressuring him will not only make him pokier, but could keep him from developing healthy attitudes about eating. Instead, allow extra time for his meals. Let him keep nibbling away until he decides to call it quits. Of course, be sure that toys, siblings, the television, or other distractions aren’t slowing down his pace. If they are, make some changes.

“My mother-in-law insists that the only way my toddler will learn how to eat what’s put in front of her is to give her no choices. She insists that if my daughter doesn’t eat it, I should let her go hungry. But I always end up giving her whatever she wants. Who’s right?”

When your mother-in-law did her mothering tour-of-duty, toddlers were no less picky, yet catering to their quirks was considered inexcusably indulgent. The dinner table was a tight ship run by the adults of the house; balking at rations of baked chicken and green beans and demanding peanut butter sandwiches instead was considered mutiny. You ate what was put in front of you, or you were denied your just dessert.

But things have changed. It’s now accepted by dietary experts (though not necessarily by grandmothers) that you can lead a toddler to the dinner table, but you can’t make her eat what’s put in front of her, at least not without precipitating an ugly battle. And ugly battles fought over food in childhood, studies show, too often leave scars—in the form of eating disorders, abnormal eating habits, and/or weight struggles—that can
last a lifetime. Eating should be a pleasant, unpressured experience for a child, guided not just by an adult’s good sense, but to a large extent by her own hunger, tastes, and appetite.

But, because it isn’t ideal to let your child subsist for months on just bread, milk, and pasta (with a couple of slivered grapes thrown in for good measure), try to work in new foods along with the old favorites. It may seem unfair to offer adult fare to a toddler, but by doing so you’ll be able to ditch the job of “short-order cook” more quickly and also instill in your child a love for a variety of foods. In addition, as much as you can, sit down as a family for meals; your tot will see that everyone eats the same dishes, and she may be more likely to give new foods a try.

So keep up the good work by providing a combination of those familiar items (cereal, bananas, yogurt, homemade mac and cheese) along with the more “grownup” foods (fish, salad, and other new vegetables) at mealtimes. Make the foods you’re serving for yourself an option for her, too, but don’t pressure her to try them out—and don’t let anyone else (sorry, Grandma) pressure her, either.

For more tips on feeding a toddler, see
Chapter Eighteen
.

“My son always wants to cut up his own food; he absolutely refuses to let me cut it. But I’m afraid to give him a knife.”

To help a toddler attain some of the independence he’s yearning for, there is much a parent can do—allow him to pick out his own clothes, select his meals, brush his teeth. But putting a knife in his hands, as you have wisely observed, is too risky.

Instead, respect his need to be independent while keeping his fingers intact by serving him food that doesn’t need cutting, such as chicken fingers or drum-sticks, fish sticks, cooked carrot circles, and English-muffin pizzas he can pick up whole. Or, bring his plate to him with his food already diced. To give him some safe practice with cutting, you can show him how to cut fish sticks or a peanut butter sandwich with a small butter spreader, and then let him try it himself,
under your supervision.
He can also cut sandwiches safely with a cookie cutter.

“Even if she finished eating only an hour earlier, my toddler is always complaining that she’s hungry. She’s not fat, but if I feed her all day on request, she’s bound to end up that way.”

Rare is the toddler who eats just the way her parents would like her to. It’s always too little, too much, or all the wrong foods. The problem is, for a child to grow up into an adult who doesn’t have an eating hang-up of one kind or another, her parents have to help her learn to regulate her appetite by her internal hunger signals.

So feed her when she’s hungry, but be sure she’s truly hungry. If she seems to crave food out of boredom, fatigue, frustration, or tension, help her to find better ways of dealing with these—preferably before she starts asking for food. Don’t make her eat when she’s not hungry or insist she clean her plate, and try not to use food as a reward or a bribe or a pacifier. And never withhold food as a punishment. Avoid getting her into the trap of eating out of habit—don’t give her a cookie every time you go into the supermarket, crackers every time you
fasten the seat belt, a frozen yogurt whenever you go home from the playground; use toys, conversation, or other diversions to keep her busy instead. And be sure she has enough undistracted time to eat her meals—the child who eats lightly at mealtime tends to snack frequently in between.

Set a good example for her by not obsessing about food or using it yourself to deal with boredom, fatigue, frustration, or tension. If you’re in the habit of opening the refrigerator without thinking, taking the first item that appeals, and eating it en route back to whatever you were doing, or absently munching on snacks while watching TV or doing paperwork, try to break those habits. Make eating an event in itself and not an adjunct to other activities. Sit down for meals
and
for snacks—make them a planned part of your day—and your child will tend to do likewise.

Even if she seems to be hungry often, don’t chide your toddler for overeating or warn her about getting fat. This will put the focus on food when what you really want is to take the focus off it. However, if your toddler begins gaining weight too quickly, you can take the steps suggested on page 510 for dealing with a tubby toddler, and make sure she gets plenty of exercise (see page 296). Don’t, however, under-feed your child because you’re afraid she may someday become fat.

When a toddler with an average appetite suddenly begins to eat ravenously, it’s usually because of a growth spurt. This eating binge lasts only a few days and is not at all a cause for concern.

If, however, a ravenous appetite continues and is accompanied by excessive thirst and frequent urination, with or without noticeable weight loss, it’s important to check with the doctor. Check with the doctor, too, if your child seems obsessed with food to the exclusion of other interests.

“Whether we tell her to clean up her room or get dressed to go outside, our daughter doesn’t follow our directions. I don’t know how she’s going to make it at preschool, where they’re going to expect her to cooperate.”

Before you blame your toddler for not following your directions, make sure your directions aren’t to blame. Often, parental directions are too vague or too complicated for a young child to comprehend and follow.