What to Expect the Toddler Years (138 page)

Look for your toddler’s good qualities.
Every child is special, every child has talents and strengths—as well as weaknesses. There’s a silver lining in even the most difficult personality—it’s just a
matter of looking past the clouds to find it. (See page 200 for examples.)

Don’t forget that there are many qualities that are not inherited, qualities that parents can instill, such as responsibility, a love of learning, kindness, honesty, and tolerance toward others. In the long run, these values will have more influence on the kind of person your child grows up to be than all the genes in the family pool.

Living by the rules isn’t always easy. But understanding the reasoning behind the rules usually helps make it easier: If we don’t stop at a red light, we may plow into a car or pedestrian; if we burn leaves when there’s a smog alert, we will add to a dangerous air-pollution problem; if we don’t use a scooper when we walk our dog, someone—maybe even someone in our own family—may be scraping dog deposits off their shoes for days.

But though toddlers have imposed on them their share of rules, more often than not, they have little or no understanding of why the rules are necessary—which makes living by them far more difficult. Helping your toddler to see the reasons behind rules will not only make rules easier to live by, but will make your toddler easier to live with. So:

Explain your rules.
The bitter pill of bedtime, for example, may be a little more palatable if it’s served up with an explanation (“Your body is still grow-ing—one day it’s going to be big and tall. But to grow, it needs sleep.”) Likewise, the edict “Hold my hand when we cross the street,” may be resisted less if the rationale is spelled out (“The drivers can’t see you because you’re smaller. But the drivers can see me because I’m big. If you hold my hand, you will be safe”). Make your point quickly and concisely. If you go on and on with a complicated explanation of a simple rule, your toddler will probably tune you (and your rule) out.

Make rules consistent.
Living by the rules is impossible if a child is never sure, from one day to the next, what the rules are. If you scold your toddler for jumping on your bed one day, and you look the other way the next, your toddler won’t take your rules seriously and may enjoy testing you to see “What’s the rule going to be today?”

Make rules clear.
When you say “Don’t stand on the furniture” to a toddler who is standing on your bed, does that just mean “don’t stand on your bed?” On any beds? Or does it mean don’t stand on any furniture, including beds, armchairs, and the sofa? How about the hassock? The kitchen table? Be as specific as you can when setting out your rules, and make sure you use language that is easy for your toddler to understand.

Make rules reasonable.
Some rules are impossible for a two-year-old to live by: always chewing with his mouth closed, for example, or always cleaning up her toys without being asked. Keep your toddler’s abilities in mind when making rules.

Repeat the rules often.
Toddlers are typically so busy learning and discovering, rules tend to slip their minds. With their still-brief attention span and limited concentration, they have difficulty focusing on more than one thing at a time. So don’t assume that stating a rule once, twice, or even a half dozen times is enough.

Don’t make too many rules.
If your toddler can’t make a move without breaking a rule, chances are he or she’s going to rebel against all the rules—if not now, then later on in life, and if not at home, then outside it.

Make following the rules easy.
You can’t expect a child to follow the rule to put toy cars away unless he or she has been instructed about how to put them away, and has a specific, accessible place to put them. So be sure that each rule you make comes complete with instructions.

Don’t expect perfect compliance.
Toddlers are toddlers; you can expect more rules to be broken than to be followed for a while. Sometimes they’ll be broken inadvertently—because your toddler’s simply forgotten or because his or her interest or curiosity has superseded everything else. Sometimes they’ll be broken because of your child’s inability to control his or her behavior. Sometimes they’ll be broken because your toddler’s testing you and the limits you’ve set, and sometimes they’ll be broken in a fiery fit of temper. Whatever the reason, once you’ve carried out any disciplinary measures necessary, be forgiving and understanding.

Realize that some rules are made to be broken, sometimes. When rules are broken in a moment of discovery (excited by the butterfly in the backyard and eager to report the sighting to you, your toddler breaks the “no dirty shoes in the house” rule and tracks fresh mud across the kitchen floor), don’t be so quick to condemn the slip-up that you ruin the revelation. Give your attention to your toddler’s discovery before turning it to the muddy footprints. At this point, your toddler can be reminded of the “no dirty shoes in the house” rule and handed a wet sponge to help you clean up with.

Finally, follow the rules yourself.
You hang a U-turn where you know it’s illegal; get on a ten-item-or-less line at the market with fourteen items; you cross in between, not at the green. These little everybody-does-it infractions may
seem
harmless enough. But if they become part of your everyday behavior, they tell your child that, when rules are inconvenient or unpalatable, they can be broken. When a role model (and for your child you’re the number one role model) breaks rules, it’s hard for a child to understand why he or she can’t. As usual, your actions speak more eloquently and forcefully than your words.

By 2
³
/
₄
years,
*
your toddler . . . should be able to (see
Note
):

brush teeth, with help

build a tower of 6 blocks

Note:
If your toddler has not reached these milestones, consult the doctor or nurse-practitioner. This rate of development may well be normal for your child (some children are late bloomers), but it needs to be evaluated. Also check with the doctor if your toddler seems out-of-control or hyperactive; highly demanding, stubborn, negative; overly withdrawn, passive, uncommunicative; sad, joyless; unable to interact with others.

Imaginary friends are frequently guests in toddler households—welcome them if they come knocking at your door.

. . . will probably be able to:

draw a vertical line in imitation

balance on each foot for 1 second

identify a friend by naming

carry on a conversation of 2 or 3 sentences (by 31 months)

build a tower of 8 cubes