What to Expect the Toddler Years (68 page)

The reason is the inability of most children to adequately manipulate their tongues and lips at this age, maneuvers needed to produce most consonant sounds. (Try reading this paragraph aloud without using either your tongue or lips and you’ll see what your toddler is up against.) When a toddler can’t produce a particular sound, she substitutes one she can handle. So a child who has trouble with “d” but no difficulty with “g” may call her father, “gaga.” Another may say “dute” for “cute,” “ditty” for “pretty,” “hewwo” for “hello,” and “biper” for “diaper.” Consonant blends are also troublesome, so “flower” may become “fower,” “tree,” “tee,” “shoe,” “stoo.”

Most children continue to mispronounce some consonants and mix up others well into the fourth year; some don’t get all the sounds sorted out until they are ready for kindergarten or even first grade.

Support, rather than pick apart, your child’s efforts to communicate, no matter how imperfect her speech is. When she says, “I wuv you,” you can respond with, “I
l
ove you, too.” But don’t try to get her to repeat the word correctly. The more pressure you put on her, the more nervous she will get about speaking. This kind of anxiety can lead to loss of self-esteem and, in some cases, to stuttering (see page 388).

Children with hearing, neurologic, or other medical problems often have trouble being understood, and this is sometimes mistaken for a sign of a low IQ or learning disability. Appropriate speech therapy, begun early and geared to their interests, allows these children to develop to their full potential.

For how to recognize signs of true speech problems in toddlers, see page 178.

“We’re concerned that our little girl has only a few words at this age. Most of her playmates seem much further advanced.”

All children learn speech in the same order: first words, then phrases, and finally, sentences. Beyond that, each child’s speech development is unique, proceeding according to her own personal timetable, sometimes speeding up, slowing down, or plateauing for a while. Which is why comparisons to other children your toddler’s age (and even to your own toddler six months ago) can be misleading. A child who was the first in her play group to use words may
not
be the first to start linking words together in sentences. In fact, a child who was relatively late to speak might accomplish this first.

Sometimes toddlers who are physically precocious—the early walkers, climbers, jumpers, ball-throwers—are later talkers; they put so much of their energy and concentration into physical exploits that they have little left over for verbal exploration. Lack of stimulation (or its opposite, excessive pressure to perform verbally) may also inhibit the
development of language. So can a well-meaning family that anticipates a toddler’s every wish before it is spoken. Whatever the reason, however, once they get started, late talkers often quickly develop mature speech. Because they’re older when they begin, they may have better pronunciation, a better intuitive grasp of grammar, and a larger vocabulary (which was quietly building up all along).

It’s true that many nineteen-month-olds use a couple of dozen words regularly, but some, like your child, are language beginners. Many late talkers suddenly bloom linguistically over their next few months; others won’t, until they’re closer to age two. In the meantime, most will use a host of nonverbal language (see page 75) to communicate with others.

To be sure, however, that there isn’t something more than a slow timetable at work here, observe your toddler’s response to your speech. Does she understand questions (“Do you want a drink?”); follow simple commands (“Put that book back, please”); respond to statements (“We’re going bye-bye now”)? Also note her ability to communicate nonverbally (through pointing or grunting, for instance) when she wants something to eat, a toy that’s out of reach, the TV turned on, her diaper changed. If she understands what is said and is able to communicate her needs and wants (albeit wordlessly), you needn’t be concerned about her speech.

Discuss any doubts with your child’s doctor to evaluate the advisability of a hearing test or a formal assessment of language skills by a certified speech and language pathologist. (Thanks to a 1986 federal law, affordable testing and treatment for speech, language, and hearing problems are available for developmentally challenged infants and toddlers. Be sure to check with your state or local health or education department for information on specific programs.) If testing confirms either a hearing problem or a significant language delay, it’s important to start your toddler on speech therapy as soon as possible, both to protect her self-esteem and to head off any problems that might crop up when she goes to school.

“I’ve noticed that most of the toddlers in my son’s play group are putting words together. He has a pretty large vocabulary—maybe a hundred words—but he mostly uses just one word at a time. Only occasionally does he throw in a two-word phrase. Shouldn’t I worry because he isn’t speaking in sentences yet?”

Not at all. Your son’s language development is not only on schedule, it’s a bit ahead of schedule. Some children his age are just uttering their first words and most have only a couple of dozen in their repertoire; only a few have begun speaking in complete sentences. It’s not until somewhere around the second birthday that most children begin combining words into meaningful sentences. Usually, brief phrases come first, two-word combinations such as, “go out” or “pick up” or “more milk.” Then come basic sentences, with subjects and verbs, such as “Bobby go out” or “Dada pick up” or “Brooke wanna drink.” On average, more grammatical language doesn’t appear until close to the third birthday.

For now, as long as your child uses at least a few words, seems to understand what is said to him, can follow simple instructions (such as, “come here” or “give Mommy the book, please”), and is able to communicate through a combination of single words, sign language, and body language, you can feel confident that his speech development is within the normal range.

You can encourage sentence development by avoiding baby talk and using
full sentences in conversation with your son. Rephrase his one-word comments in sentence form: When he says, “Cookie,” respond with “Do you want a cookie? Here is a cookie.” Ask him questions that require more than a yes or no answer: “Where is the book?” “What are you playing?” Read simple rhyming books to him; once he’s heard one several times let him finish the final rhyming word on each page. Then move on to letting him fill in the last two or three words of each rhyme, then finally to the whole last line.

Be careful, however, while you’re encouraging your child’s language development that you don’t communicate the message that he’s lacking because he doesn’t carry on adult conversations. Pressure to hurry speech development not only won’t work, it’s likely to backfire. A pressured toddler may simply clam up. Just relax and enjoy talking to your child; before you know it, you’ll have the added pleasure of his talking back.

“Everyone else in my daughter’s play group grabs toys. My daughter never does; she just stands there and lets other kids grab from her. I’m afraid she’ll never be assertive.”

The meek may inherit the earth, but in a room full of toddlers, they’ll always be short on toys.

Although it’s part of the typical toddler profile, for some toddlers, grabbiness just doesn’t come naturally. And, in most cases, that’s okay. Aggre s sive behavior, while common, is not at all essential to normal toddler develop-ment—nor is it required for the development of a strong sense of self. Grabby toddlers don’t necessarily end up as grabby adults; neither are the easy-going, mild-mannered tots of today fated to be the grown-up doormats of tomorrow.

It’s important that a toddler be aware that she has rights, not that she be loud and forceful in sticking up for them. As long as your daughter doesn’t seem bothered by the grabby behavior of those around her, is content to pick up another toy when someone grabs the one she’s been playing with, and seems to feel good about herself and happy with her social lot, there’s no reason to try to change her ways. It’s possible that, with time and increasing social exposure, and with some encouragement and guidance from you, she’ll grow more assertive. Of course, it’s also possible that she won’t. Many successful people speak softly and get along without a big stick; if your daughter’s destined to be among them, accept her gentle ways—even if your personality tends to be more forceful.

If, however, your toddler seems distraught by all the grabbing, yet unable to defend herself against the onslaught of tiny hands, come to her rescue. Step in when she’s being confronted by an aggressive peer. If, for example, a playmate is trying to wrestle a toy from her, en courage her to stand up for her rights with: “I’m playing with this now.” Chances are that at first you’ll need to show her how it’s done, and speak for her: “Sarah’s playing with that now.” If the toy’s been grabbed away, don’t grab it back (two social wrongs don’t make a right; the idea is to teach her to assert her own rights, not to tread on the rights of others). Instead ask for it nicely but firmly, and repeatedly, if necessary: “Sara wasn’t finished playing with that doll yet. She would like to have the doll back, please.” If the playmate obliges, be generous with the thank you’s. And when your child finishes playing with the toy, encourage her to offer it back to the grabber. If the playmate refuses, don’t get into a tug-of-war. Instead, find
something else for your toddler to play with, and stand by to be sure that isn’t purloined as well.

Try this tack whenever your toddler appears to be in social distress: when she’s been pushed out of line at the slide, had her shovel commandeered in the sandbox, had her riding toy hijacked at the playground. As you watch from afar, give her the opportunity to speak for herself before you speak for her; your goal is to teach her to handle such encounters on her own. Extra doses of social experience may help; she may be so used to being at home, around those who respect her rights and property, that she finds grappling with life tricky out there in the toddler jungle (or on the toddler jungle gym). While she’s learning, let her be herself—and be grateful you don’t have other parents complaining that your child is always abusing theirs.

“My son is very physical when he gets together with other toddlers. Not in an aggressive way, but he doesn’t give the other kids much space—poking and prodding the way he does—and they sometimes get upset.”

Young roughhousers like your son don’t mean any harm when they squeeze, jab, or poke another child. They are just busy exploring their environment “first-hand”—and those other children are part of that environment. So they poke and prod away, without a thought to propriety or the feelings of their targets.

An additional developmental factor makes physical contact an integral part of toddler socializing: limited ability to communicate verbally. Instead of “Hello, how are you?” a toddler may greet his buddy with a poke in the arm. When he wants a playmate to come to his room to see his new truck, he may literally drag him up the stairs. And when he’s ready for a friend to leave, he may just push him out the door.

The problem is that this physical “dialect” is neither universally understood nor appreciated by other toddlers. Though their own verbal skills are limited, they are used to having those around them—parents, caregivers, siblings, and so on—communicate with words. A friendly poke can be easily misinterpreted as hostile, demanding retribution, which in turn is often not well received. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is definitely not a toddler credo.

What’s a poker’s parent to do? Try the following:

Assess the quality of your physical interaction with your toddler. Do you yank him roughly by the arm when he refuses to leave the playground? Do you lead him away by the ear when you find he’s been misbehaving at play group? Do you poke and pinch him playfully? Toddlers are great imitators, and such actions on your part could be inadvertently teaching him to do the same to his friends. Modify them if you want your toddler to learn to be gentle with others.

Take a look at what you let him get away with. Many parents allow a fair amount of exuberant physical contact at home, giving the child the confusing message that it’s okay to play rough with them, but not with others. When he yanks at your ear or bops you in the belly with his head, let him know you don’t like it (even if it really doesn’t bother you): “Please don’t do that. It hurts.” Explain that certain kinds of contact (hugs, pats, handshakes, high-fives) are acceptable, and other kinds won’t be well received. And explain that words
are the best way to get someone’s attention. Practicing with stuffed animals or dolls may help, too.