What to Expect the Toddler Years (32 page)

Harried parents often find that they don’t get around to starting or joining a play group or providing other opportunities for group play for second, third, or subsequent children. Yet these children rarely seem to suffer socially—probably because they get their share of socializing at home. After all, a child who has learned to play nicely with a sibling can learn to play with anyone.

“I occasionally get together with a friend who also has a toddler. I’ve been very embarrassed a couple of times when my daughter swung at the other child. She didn’t hurt him, but I guess she could have.”

At this age, aggressive behavior is not calculated or malicious. Young toddlers slug out of frustration that they can’t cope with or shove to get another child out of their way. They can’t be considered callous about hurting others either physically or emotionally, because they haven’t yet figured out that others have feelings.

While it’s too early to expect truly empathic behavior from your toddler (she’s more likely to experience cause-and-effect curiosity than empathy when her slap reduces her playmate to tears), it isn’t too early to start planting the seeds. When your child takes a swing at her playmate, say firmly, “Don’t hit! Hitting hurts, doesn’t it?—ouch!” When your child is the victim, comfort her and say, “Hitting hurts, that’s why we don’t hit.” But realize that your words will almost certainly need to be backed up by actions. Supervise play dates closely and stop aggressive behavior the moment it starts by removing the offender from the victim and quickly distracting both with a new activity—thereby restoring harmony. If necessary, resort to a time out or another disciplining technique (see page 127).

Whatever you do, don’t respond to toddler aggression by slapping your child. Hitting a child teaches her that violence is an appropriate response under stress. So keep your temper in check when dealing with hers. For tips on dealing with more serious toddler aggression, see page 189.

“We had a dog who died before our son was born. We’re eager to get another pet. Is this a good time?”

A dog can not only be a toddler’s best friend, it can also be one of his best learning tools. This is true of pets in general, but especially true of dogs. From a dog, a young child can learn about animals and nature, about responsibility, about empathy, about getting along with others, about unconditional love and loyalty. A toddler can help with the care and feeding of a dog—a welcome role reversal for one who is usually on the receiving end of everyone else’s caregiving. He can count on his dog to be there for him when he needs it or wants it; unlike parents, dogs are hardly ever too busy for a cuddle or a romp. And since dogs, especially young ones, like to run, jump, frisk, and frolic just as toddlers do, they can join in the toddler games for which parents often lack energy or enthusiasm.

Cats may not be compatible companions for toddlers. Though some cats (particularly those raised in a family with children) are very affectionate and fairly patient with toddlers, many felines prefer the more sedate company of adults. They may be less likely to run around with a toddler than to run away from one. They’re also less liable to be tolerant of a toddler’s playful roughhousing, which can prove frustrating—and possibly dangerous—to the toddler. If you do choose a cat as a pet, screen candidates carefully with your toddler in tow.

As valuable an addition to a toddler household as a pet can be, pet ownership is a major responsibility that parents should consider seriously. Whether this is the right time to expand your family by one furry member will depend on several factors:

Is your toddler comfortable with animals? If he’s afraid or tentative around them, give him some experience with other people’s pets and wait until he becomes more relaxed with animals before bringing a pet home. (See page 84 for ways of dealing with fear of animals.)

Is there enough room in your home for pet and toddler? Just as toddlers do, pets, especially puppies, need space in which to play. Consider whether there’s enough for child and pet to run around in without having a run-in.

Is there enough room in your schedule for pet and toddler? Pets and toddlers alike need care, attention, and guidance. And unless you acquire a pet that’s been obedience-trained already, both have a lot to learn. Think about whether you have the time to feed, groom, entertain, and teach them both.

Choosing the right pet to get is just as important as choosing the right time for getting a pet. So before proceeding to the pet shop or the shelter, consider the following:

Breed.
Not all breeds are equally good with children. Select one known to be friendly and patient with tots. Often, mixed breeds are less high-strung, more patient, and more intelligent than purebreds. More important than breed is the personality of the individual animal, so spend some time getting to know a prospective pet with your toddler before snapping the leash in place and taking it home. The right pet will be friendly and affectionate, won’t shy away from young children, and will not snap if an ear is poked or a tail pulled.

Gender.
In general, female dogs are more gentle than males. On the other hand, male cats are often more people-loving and affectionate. Neutering tends to make both dogs and cats less aggressive, more gentle, and easier to handle. It can also help considerably if cats are declawed. But again, individual temperament should be the overriding consideration.

Age.
The advantage of buying a puppy or kitten is that it can grow up with your toddler, and a strong bond can develop between them. The disadvantage, of course, is that you have two babies in the house, both of whom require a lot of attention and training. A mature animal will usually be housebroken or litter-trained, an advantage. But it will also be set in its ways and may have a difficult time making friends with your toddler. An adult animal who’s been raised with young children is a good compromise. A pet on the brink of old age, however, may require more time-consuming care than you can give.

Once you have brought the new pet home, keep in mind these important facts:

Pets need to be toddler-trained. If your new pet is not accustomed to young children, have it spend time with your toddler only under close supervision. Keep these getting-to-know-each-other sessions brief at first so that neither the animal nor your toddler will be overwhelmed.

Toddlers need to be pet-trained. Often overly exuberant, toddlers can hurt or alarm a pet when they actually mean to show affection. See page 85 for tips on training your toddler in pet sensitivity and safety.

Pets and toddlers may need to be protected from each other, at least at first. Since both can be unpredictable, the potential for harm (intentional or not) is great on both sides. In addition to supervising your toddler and pet when they’re together, provide a safe play space for your toddler to which your pet can’t gain access when you can’t oversee (a safety gate across a doorway will usually do the trick).

Your toddler can dish out the food, but pets and toddlers shouldn’t eat together. Feed your pet when your little one is napping, in for the night, safely restrained in his high chair, or busy in another room. Or put the pet’s bowl of food down as you head out the door to the store or the playground. Pick the pet bowl up after each meal, unless it’s in a space that’s inaccessible to your toddler. These steps will not only keep your toddler from nibbling on the puppy chow but also keep your puppy from nibbling on your toddler when it catches his fingers in the chow; even friendly animals can become hostile when someone takes their food.