What to Expect the Toddler Years (31 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
Another method involves reinforcing sleep patterns, so that naps aren’t missed (and aren’t taken 10 minutes at a time in the car) and bedtimes are kept more or less like clockwork. Put her down when she’s tired, not exhausted, and she’ll have more solid sleep. You can still reassure her at night if she wakes, but let her fall asleep on her own.
If she sleeps fitfully or awakens often, check with the doctor to rule out sleep apnea (see page 169).
IGHTTIME FEEDINGS
“We both work all day (and need our sleep), so when our daughter wakes at night, we’ve gotten into the bad habit of giving her a bottle. Help!”
It’s understandable that you’ve been choosing the path of least resistance in getting your daughter back to sleep. With busy schedules and a demanding toddler draining your patience and your endurance, you probably don’t want to deal with any more resistance than you have to—especially at two or three in the morning.
But you’re right. Feeding your toddler in the middle of the night at this age (whether breast or bottle) is not a good idea. And for several reasons. For one, nighttime feeding is associated with the development of tooth decay (see page 27). For another, your toddler doesn’t need nourishment during the night any
more than you do; her body is equipped to go the ten or twelve hours of sleep in a fasting mode. (Keep in mind, though, that if she’s not growing in weight and height as she should be—check out the growth charts on pages 862 to 865—you should talk to her doctor to figure out how her daytime menus could be beefed up.) Feeding her when she doesn’t need to be fed can lead to overweight, confusion about the purpose of eating, and to eating for the wrong reasons. This in turn can cause weight problems later on in life. Filling up on fluids during the night can also lead to more night waking, a result of uncomfortably wet diapers. What’s more, feeding your child too close to waking can easily spoil her appetite for solids at breakfast. And finally, feeding your toddler to get her back to slumber, while undeniably effective, denies her the opportunity to learn how to fall back to sleep on her own, a skill she’ll need for the rest of her sleeping life.
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP
Going to bed can be a pleasant experience—one that’s looked forward to as the day draws to a close—or it can be an unpleasant one—dreaded by child and parent alike. It all depends on the trappings. To make bedtime a highlight of the family day and more conducive to sleep, create a nightly routine. Stick to the routine as closely as you can (the predictability of a routine is very comforting to toddlers, and helps facilitate transitions), straying from it only when you have no option. The routine should be aimed at creating a relaxed and calm atmosphere (relegate tickling and roughhousing to an earlier part of the evening). It may include any of the following, and should be individualized to fit your needs and those of your child or children.
Clean up.
Almost everyone finds comfort in a tub of warm water, children included, so the bath is a perfect beginning for the bedtime ritual.
*
Suit up.
Changing into pajamas (make sure they’re cozy and comfortable and cuddly, with no rough seams or scratchy collars, especially if your child’s skin is particularly sensitive) continues the transition from day to night. In the morning, make the change from pajamas to daywear soon after your child gets up so that pajamas become a clear symbol of nighttime, bedtime, and sleeping.
Snack up.
Especially if your toddler eats dinner early, there’s a long stretch of fasting ahead before breakfast. Serving a light snack at bedtime can stave off middle-of-the-night hunger pangs, and if it’s chosen carefully, can help induce sleep. A combination of protein and healthful carbohydrates (a little plain yogurt with sliced banana and wheat germ; a piece of cheese, a cracker, and some orange juice; or a juice-sweetened cookie and a cup of milk) make a soporific snack.
Brush up.
The bedtime brushing is the most important one of the day. If it’s not removed, bacteria that’s built up on your toddler’s teeth can spend the night feasting on tender enamel, causing decay. So make this brushing thorough (see page 492).
Read up.
Snuggle up side-by-side in a special place (preferably the same spot each night), and read some stories together. The selections should be serene: no witches, no monsters, no spooky settings, no raucous rhymes.
**
As your toddler gets a bit older
and more aware of time and numbers, put a time limit (three books, fifteen minutes, or whatever seems sensible) on your reading. When you get down to the last book or the last few minutes, give fair warning so that your listener won’t suddenly be shocked to find the session over.
Listen up and cuddle up.
A quiet cuddle while listening to a tape of favorite lullabies or other relaxing music can supplement the story hour and provides a perfect prelude to sleep.
Recap.
At some point in the routine, spend a little time talking to your toddler about the day, about what fun you had together, about how much you love him or her.
Say good night all around.
This finale is very helpful to a toddler separating from daytime fun and games and entering the quiet solitude of nighttime. Instead of whisking your toddler directly off to bed, take him or her on a “good-night” tour of the house. Together, say “good night” to Mommy, Daddy, siblings, pets, toys, stuffed animals, the sofa, the refrigerator, the stars and moon outside the window—even to your toddler’s reflection in the mirror. Limit each encounter to a brief good night, however—otherwise, the tour could go on for hours.
Tuck in a few friends.
A beloved blanket or a trusted teddy in hand and a few well-selected sentries (a row of familiar dolls and stuffed animals) standing guard over (but not in) the crib can make a toddler feel more secure about submitting to slumber. Finally, leave your toddler with a hug, a kiss, a cheerful word or two (“See you in the morning” helps the toddler bridge the gap between night and day). Don’t tarry, even if requested. Staying with your toddler until sleep comes deprives him or her of the opportunity to learn good sleep habits. It can also increase sleep problems.
Good intentions notwithstanding, there may be times when your toddler dozes off during the bedtime routine. How you handle the situation will depend on what kind of sleeper you have on your hands. If you know that your toddler will wake a bit but be drowsy enough to fall right back into dream-land when tucked in, then do try a polite awakening. If, on the other hand, your toddler will be cranky and have trouble going back to sleep if awakened en route to the crib, you may want to just let your sleeping toddler lie—and make a silent transfer to the crib. If this happens every night, however, you will have to move the bedtime routine to an earlier time slot so that your little one will be able to stay awake until tuck-in time, and thus have the opportunity to fall asleep on his or her own.
*If your toddler is fearful of water or baths, skip this part of the ritual for now and see page 94. If your toddler has very dry skin, you may need to bathe him or her less frequently; see page 464.
**A favorite bedtime classic is
Goodnight Moon
by Margaret Wise Brown.
Clearly, you and your toddler are caught in a vicious cycle of supply and demand. You supply your toddler’s tummy with a nighttime meal, and her tummy wakes her (and you) to demand a repeat each night—just as someone who regularly lunches at noon can expect hunger pangs to strike daily at the stroke of twelve. The only way to train her to sleep through the night without a feeding is to cut off the nighttime food supply and reset her internal hunger clock.
You’re bound to meet up with some pretty heavy resistance—in the form of waking and crying—once you stop taking the path of least resistance. But eventually, both your toddler and you will sleep better for your efforts.
You have a double task: ending the night wakings and the night feedings. You can go at both together, opting to try the techniques for ending night wakings, described above, to end night feedings cold turkey and turn your toddler’s sleeping habits around at the same time. Or you can try to wean your toddler from her midnight snacks first, and then work on the sleep problem if it continues. With this approach, when your toddler wakes at night, you substitute
a bottle of water for the milk she’s been accustomed to. This allows her to use the bottle as a go-back-to-sleep aid a little longer. But more important, it will also reset her appestat (the control center in the brain that oversees appetite) and end her middle-of-the-night need to feed, reducing the risk such feeding poses to her teeth and her weight. Eventually, the bottle of water may end your toddler’s night waking, too. Many toddlers decide it’s not worth waking up for it.
If your toddler continues to wake for a midnight snack, paltry though it may be, or conversely, if being handed a bottle of water launches her on a temper tantrum, then you’ll have no choice but to try option one, cold turkey.
NTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR
“I’ve got a thirteen-month-old son and recently got together with several neighbors to form a play group. We have five toddlers all between twelve and fifteen months old. They play all right, but not with each other.”
Socializing doesn’t come easily to most toddlers—and sometimes it’s hard to imagine that it’s ever going to come at all. Put a group of average one-and-a-half-year-olds together in a room, and you’re more likely to see a free-forall than cooperative play.
But this typically “antisocial” behavior is as normal as it is natural. Early on in the socializing game, toddlers view fellow toddlers as objects—objects that move and make noise, but objects nonetheless. Objects that can be pushed aside or pushed around as necessary (and that, curiously, often push back), objects whose toys and food are up for grabs, objects that are interesting to observe, poke, and prod, but difficult to interact with.
Playing cooperatively requires not only that your child learn to see these objects as people, but that he also develops the ability to empathize—something a toddler almost invariably finds difficult. Comfortably ensconced at the center of the universe (as he is in his own estimation), he’s not ready to recognize or consider the needs, desires, or feelings of those revolving around him.
Still, it’s not too early to start getting your toddler ready for the social whirl. Since children aren’t born civilized, social beings, and social skills aren’t passed on in the genes the way blue eyes or musical ability are (though some children are innately more sociable than others), the art of interaction must be learned. And as with most skills, your toddler will learn best through a combination of practice, exposure, and example.
Being part of a family is a vital first step, and being part of a play group is a good second one (see page 108 for tips on setting one up). But don’t expect social etiquette to be mastered quickly. Although most toddlers enjoy the company of other toddlers, they’re unlikely to cultivate it. For some time to come, there’s likely to be a lot of what appears to be thoughtless and unkind behavior in your toddler’s play group. The more aggressive children will try to establish dominance over the more submissive ones. Parallel (side-by-side) play will be the rule, and cooperative play the exception. A good deal of the interactions will take the form of pushing and grabbing. The concept of sharing will probably be nonexistent (though, happily, many fifteen-month-olds lack possessiveness, too, and will give up without a fight when a toy is taken from them). A toddler may occasionally seem to become
generous and offer a toy or a bagel to a friend or family member, but in most cases he or she will withdraw the offer before giving up the object.
Most young toddlers are still playing side-by-side (parallel play) instead of with each other. With time and experience, toddler socializing becomes more interactive—jointly-built block structures will then take the place of independently-built ones.
In spite of this lack of true cooperative play, the play group members will be gaining valuable social experience that they’ll put to good use one day soon. If the group meets regularly, you’ll eventually begin to see the signs of true socializing.
And chances are these signs will start appearing sooner rather than later. It was once believed that children weren’t capable of playing cooperatively until the age of three or four, and weren’t able to make real friends until somewhere past their fifth birthdays. But after observing toddlers who regularly spent time with their peers, particularly those who attended a day care center or early preschool, some experts have concluded that children can not only learn to play with one another, but in a very rudimentary sense, become friends, sometimes as early as the end of the first year.
Though learning social skills at an early age can give children a head start in preschool or kindergarten, such a start has not been shown to make them more socially adept as adults. So don’t worry if you can’t provide your toddler with the opportunity to socialize frequently now; he’ll catch up when he gets to school. Nor should you worry if your toddler doesn’t seem interested in socializing or if he doesn’t seem to be particularly skillful at it. Set a social example yourself. Make the opportunities available to him if you can, but don’t push. When he’s ready to become a social animal, he will. (Keep in mind, however, that there are many levels of sociability. Some children are by nature much more gregarious than others. Accept and enjoy your child’s nature, whatever it may be.)