What to Expect the Toddler Years (72 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
Normal toddler aggression can be aggravated by external factors. Eliminating or minimizing such factors, when possible, can reduce your child’s aggressive behavior. These factors include:
Lack of sleep.
Perhaps a child recently gave up his nap and hasn’t yet adjusted. Or he has been awakening at night a lot because his molars are coming in. Or he simply had trouble settling down the night before.
Hunger.
Going for long, long stretches between meals and, possibly, consuming foods high in sugar (this last possibility is controversial) can trigger misbehavior.
Illness.
A suddenly aggressive child may be coming down with a virus or another kind of bug, or may just have gotten over one.
An unsettling life change.
Anything from staying with a new sitter to his parents going away for a vacation without him can make a toddler more edgy than usual.
Inadequate attention.
Children who don’t garner a lot of notice when they are good often “act up” in order to win notice.
An overly hostile environment.
The violent behavior of people a toddler is close to—parents, caregivers, or siblings—can fuel aggression in that child.
An overly controlling environment.
When the toddler is never allowed to make choices, his frustrations may increase, and with them, his aggressive tendencies.
An uncontrolled environment.
Laissez-faire parents who don’t set limits may unwittingly encourage out-of-bounds behavior in a toddler, including aggression.
Impaired parents or caregivers.
When those around a child suffer from depression, abuse alcohol or drugs, or have marital or other problems that interfere with normal parental functioning, the child may display his distress by acting out.
While you may be able to understand where your toddler’s behavior is coming from, you certainly can’t allow it to continue uncensored. There are a variety of steps you can take to help him control his more aggressive instincts (see page 190).
If, in spite of your best efforts, your toddler’s behavior doesn’t mellow; if his aggressiveness seems more entrenched than that of his peers; if he seems never to be remorseful when he misbehaves or he seems to enjoy hurting people and animals, talk to his doctor. If a behavior disorder is the problem, delaying treatment could lead to impairment of a child’s self-esteem in the short run (problem children do not feel good about themselves) and to more serious difficulties later on.
Sometimes, parents view aggressive behavior as not only normal but desirable. They assume that the aggressive child will grow up to be the successful adult. That’s not always so, because aggressive children generally aren’t popular either with peers or with teachers and other authority figures. It’s the child who is assertive and knows how to get what he wants without stepping on the toes of others who is most likely to do well in life. Some parents also assume that the toddler who seems not to have an aggressive bone in his body is headed for a lackluster future; again, this ain’t necessarily so (for a peek at the meek, see page 179).
PLAY-DATE GUIDELINES
Put two toddlers in the same room together, and anything can happen—and usually does. From tug-of-wars over the plastic shopping cart to enchanted moments in the play kitchen, play-date sessions can represent toddler togetherness at its worst and best.
To bring out more of the best and less of the worst in your toddler’s play dates:
Don’t overschedule.
A play date once or twice a week gives toddlers something to look forward to, but play dates every day, or even every other day, may become too much like work. It’s hard for toddlers to share and play nicely with peers; asking them to be on their best social behavior every day isn’t really fair. If your child is in preschool or day care every day, play dates should probably be even less frequent to avoid socializing burn out. It’s simple to tell if you’re overscheduling: If your toddler looks forward to play dates and goes off cheerfully, you’re doing well; if he or she refuses to plan them with you, is weepy en route, and acts up during the dates themselves, cut back.
Keep play dates brief.
Most toddlers, especially those under two, have little tolerance for long play sessions. While your toddler’s still getting the hang of it, limit sessions to an hour or an hour and a half.
Time them judiciously.
Avoid socializing at the time of day when your toddler is ordinarily cranky or overtired, at nap time, or just before meals when hunger may trigger a bad mood. Ideally, toddlers should be well rested and well fed before a play date.
Don’t invite a crowd.
Making company out of two is challenge enough for a toddler; making it out of three or more may approach the impossible.
Make a big deal of hosting.
Kids have a harder time when the play date is in their own homes—they have to share Mommy (or Daddy), as well as their home, room, toys, and food. Be sensitive to this stress factor. Dubbing your toddler “host” and assigning fun responsibilities—answering the door, meeting and greeting, doling out toys (having your toddler set aside some “special” toys that won’t have to be shared may make sharing the rest less painful), choosing and preparing the snack (in advance), and planning special activities—will provide a feeling of control and should make hosting play dates easier.
Start with a snack.
Not only is snack a non-threatening activity (as long as both children receive the same amount of juice and the same number of crackers and cheese cubes), but if it’s a nutritious nibble, it’ll help curb hunger-induced crankiness.
Supervise, supervise, supervise.
Overseeing the play date will not only keep the children from hurting each other, but prevent their getting into potentially dangerous mischief.
Have a contingency plan.
One-on-one play may work well for a while, but in case it dissolves into one-on-top-of-one, be ready to distract the combatants with an adult-directed activity.
Keep your expectations realistic.
At this age, even a few minutes of harmonious play is an achievement—anything beyond this is gravy. Sometimes you’ll get the gravy; other times, you won’t.
Don’t push togetherness.
If the kids are happy playing side by side or even in different rooms, leave them be. Don’t expect or demand that they play together. You can encourage interaction with the right activities—toddler games, playing “house,” building with blocks.
Be a wary child’s home base.
Some children need a lap to crawl back into periodically, or an occasional reassuring touch or friendly smile that says, “I’m here, don’t worry.”
Be prepared to deal with conflict.
Read about keeping the peace on page 190 so you’ll know what to do when a fight erupts. And if “sharing” is a major cause of friction, regularly use a timer for taking turns.
AIR PULLING
“When my daughter doesn’t get what she wants, she pulls hair.”
For many toddlers who lack a grip on vocabulary, gripping and yanking the closest handful of hair is the primitive expressive vehicle of choice. The reasons (see page 189) are the same as for those other primitive forms of expression, hitting and biting, and so are the interventions (see page 190).
With the toddler who pulls hair, it may also help to give her a shaggy stuffed animal to tug at to her heart’s content; let her help pull weeds in the garden (put gloves on her and supervise closely to make sure that she doesn’t munch on the pickings); allow her to brush your hair; make a fuss over fixing her tresses.
ITING
“At the playground, my daughter bites when someone won’t share a toy with her.”
The choice of weapon may be different, but a major motive is the same for biters as for the hitter. Frustrated by her inability to manipulate her environment or to make her needs and desires clear, and aware that her words won’t have the “bite” she’d like them to have, she simply uses her teeth. Besides, a good bite always seems to get a good reaction.
But toddlers sometimes bite for even more innocent reasons. For the curious toddler, biting may be just another inquisitive sensory experiment (“How will Jessica’s shoulder taste? Will it taste the same as Spot’s ear? Or Mommy’s arm?”). For the affectionate one, biting may be her own unique way of saying “I love you.” Biting may also be a case of monkey-see, monkey-do. Or a sign that boredom, fatigue, sensory overload, or hunger has set in; that teething pain is provoking the need to nibble on something (or someone); or that a child is ill-at-ease in a new setting. And, as is the case with many other negative behaviors, biting can represent no more than a call for attention.
Toddlers often express their frustration as well as demonstrate their considerable lack of social skills with hair pulling, pinching, biting, or another form of aggressive behavior.
Probably because biting seems so primal, so animal-like, parents are often more horrified when their toddlers bite than when they hit. Yet the biter is no more vicious than the hitter. In fact, a majority of toddlers engage in some biting sometime between their first and third birthdays. For most, it never becomes chronic; a few experimental chomps seem to satisfy the urge. But for some, the behavior persists, and continues to cause problems.
The following precautions, plus the tips for dealing with toddler aggression
(see page 190), may help deter the Dracula in your child:
“TYPE A” KIDS
A recent study suggests that the “type A” personality can surface in early childhood, either as a result of nature or nurture. The study found that one in four children showed “type A” traits—were high-strung, intense, impatient, quick to anger, very competitive. As preschoolers, these children tended to have greater rises in blood pressure under stress; when they hit school age, they were more likely to suffer from headaches, stomachaches, sleeping problems, chronic fatigue. Their behavior sometimes led to low self-esteem, poor listening skills, short attention span, difficulty socializing, and trouble in school (although given their competitiveness, some did do very well in their studies). It’s suspected but not confirmed that type A children will grow into type A adults.
More studies will need to be done to confirm this theory. But it certainly couldn’t hurt for parents to teach children who seem high-strung how to relax (see page 173), how to cope with the world in nonaggressive ways, and how to delay gratification (see page 136). Parents should also avoid putting pressure on these children to achieve, and instead emphasize the importance of recreation and family as opposed to the work-only ethic. Finally, it will help for parents to set a relaxed example by not running in high gear all the time—though this may be difficult for those who are themselves A types.
Provide a nibble to prevent biting.
Sometimes a child bites just because she’s hungry. Always give her a meal or snack (without refined sugar, which some believe intensifies aggressive tendencies in some children; see page 502) before letting her loose in a social situation.
Never bite back.
As with hitting back, biting back is confusing to the toddler. Your bite says that it’s okay to bite someone if you’re angry at them, while your words say, “Don’t bite.” Even biting back
once
to show her how it feels isn’t likely to help, since she probably isn’t yet able to connect her pain with the pain others feel. Being bitten may hurt or frighten her, but it’s unlikely to keep her from biting again.
Nip biting in the bud.
Separate the biter and the victim immediately (if the victim is crying, offer comfort before you discipline the biter). Don’t overreact, yell, or embark on a lengthy lecture; simply take your toddler aside and explain calmly but firmly, “Please don’t bite. Biting hurts. You hurt Anna when you bit her.” When she bites out of an inability to communicate, help her find the words she needs to express her feelings: “I know you feel angry. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hurt someone because you’re angry. Let’s figure out another way to make the anger go away.”
Avoid a double standard.
Some parents bite their child’s toes or fingers playfully or allow their toddlers to take a nip of their shoulder, cheek, or arm occasion-ally—especially if it doesn’t hurt much. Then, when the toddler bites a playmate, they scold. It’s best to avoid any confusion by making all biting off limits at all times.
Take biting seriously.
Some parents can’t help laughing the first time their child takes a bite out of them. Almost nothing will encourage biting more. So repress your giggles.
TALKING IT OUT
You don’t have to live in Geneva or be an international diplomat to stage peace talks. And, in fact, if all parents taught their children the importance of verbal conflict resolution—the art of using words instead of physical aggression to work out frustrations and anger and work through differences of opinion—peace talks might end up the option of choice in resolving world conflicts.
Considering the limited verbal skills of toddlers, it might seem hardly worth the effort to try to teach them that words can be effective. After all, it’s the fact that their words are ineffective that so often leads them to instead use their fists. But while your message might seem lost on your toddler now, sending it regularly and reinforcing it in years to come will help ensure that one day it will get through.
Practice as well as preach.
Your toddler will get the message to resolve disputes through words rather than action faster if you send it via actions as well as words. You can set the kind of example that makes a lasting impression dozens of times every day—by discussing a problem with your spouse calmly instead of slamming doors and banging fists, by informing your neighbor that his dog has been getting into your garbage again instead of spreading the refuse on his lawn in righteous retribution, and, especially, by sitting down and explaining to your toddler what’s wrong with hitting rather than hitting him for hitting.
Do the talking for your toddler.
Right now, your toddler is probably not capable of verbally negotiating for a toy that a peer has yanked away from her, or explaining that he’s feeling frustrated by his inability to fit the octagon into the shape-sorter. So, when necessary, you can help by supplying the words. But wait until you’re sure your toddler won’t be able to speak for him or herself. Step in, for example, when the dispute over a coveted toy begins to escalate dangerously and suggest taking turns (a timer can help make this advanced diplomatic skill easier to carry off). Or sit down and empathize about that hard-to-fit-in shape (“Are you upset? Is that a very tough shape to get in? Maybe if we do it together, we can get it in”).
Encourage your toddler to talk, too.
Children should feel free to express feelings verbally, even negative feelings (such as anger, disappointment, and frustration). Guide your child to examine and verbalize feelings: “Why did you hit him? Are you angry at him? What made you so angry?” And don’t squelch attempts at self-expression. Saying “I hate you”—unpleasant as it is for a parent to hear—is far more civilized than reaching out and punching someone. Clamping down on abusive or rude language should come later, when your child is able to discern the difference between self-expression and rudeness. In the meantime, avoiding abusive and rude language yourself will set a good example your child is likely to follow.
Hold up other role models.
Point out peaceful interactions in the playground (“Look how nicely those children are sharing the sandbox toys”), but don’t add judgmental commentary (“How come you can’t get along like that?”). Look for, and read to your toddler, books that show the merits of handling disputes by negotiation. Avoid television programs and videos that show differences being resolved through violence (cartoons are notorious in this department) and favor those that try to teach children how to talk out problems.