What to Expect the Toddler Years (73 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
ITTING BACK
“Whenever my toddler hits or bites me it makes me so angry. My immediate reaction is to hit or bite her back. I know that’s not mature, but sometimes I just can’t control myself.”
Nothing brings out the child in a parent like a toddler. Even for the ordinarily cool and collected, it’s very difficult to remain unruffled in the face of provocative toddler behavior. The impulse to lash back can be strong, sometimes overwhelming.
There’s nothing wrong with
feeling
this eye-for-an-eye impulse—most parents experience it at least occasionally. But there are serious problems with
acting
on the impulse. For one thing, it sets a poor example (one you don’t want your child to follow) of how to deal with anger and frustration. For another, it’s frightening. For yet another, it can escalate into more serious child abuse. So, instead of hitting or biting back, try better responses, such as those described on pages 190 and 196.
If, once in a great while, the child in you gets the best of the adult—and your toddler gets the worst of you, in the form of a slap on the bottom or hand, don’t feel guilty. But do apologize immediately and sincerely: “I’m sorry I hit you. I got so angry, I didn’t think about what I was doing.” If you administered a spanking out of fear for your child’s well-being rather than anger, explain that, too: “I spanked you when you ran into the street because I was frightened and wanted you to remember never to do that again.”
If, however, responding in kind occurs often—if one slap leads to another; if the slap is hard enough to leave a mark on your child or aims for the face, ears, or head; if you use a strap, ruler, or other object; or if you strike out under the influence of alcohol or drugs, you should talk about your feelings and actions with your child’s doctor, your cleric, a family therapist, or another helping professional, or talk to someone at a Child Abuse Hotline as soon as possible.
GGRESSIVENESS WITH TOYS
“Our son seems to be very wild when he’s playing. He doesn’t hurt anyone, but he throws his teddy bear against the wall for fun, or pummels his sister’s doll. We’re concerned that this could lead to violence against other children.”
It actually sounds like your son has discovered a
safe
way to deal with his anxiety and the aggressive feelings it can generate. Taking negative feelings out on inanimate objects is relatively socially acceptable, preferable to taking them out on siblings and playmates, and at least as effective and satisfying. Like an adult who relieves frustration with a vigorous game of racquetball or by going a few rounds with a punching bag, your toddler is letting off steam without hurting anyone in the process. (Of course, sometimes such behavior may have nothing to do with frustration and feelings and is just a matter of a little experimentation: “I throw this teddy bear and it bounces off the wall—Wow!”)
As long as there continues to be no harm done—either to persons or property—there’s no harm if your toddler continues such play. Since making an issue of it is likely to intensify the behavior, it’s basically best to leave it alone. Do make a point of following the tips for fighting aggression on page 190, though, which could prevent your
toddler’s behavior from escalating. If the escalation does occur, however, and your toddler begins to damage toys, furniture, or other property, or turns his violence against people or animals, you will have to set limits.
Although you shouldn’t routinely intrude on your toddler’s play, it may be helpful at least once in a while to point out that although the inanimate objects he abuses don’t have real feelings, people and real animals do—that the teddy bear doesn’t hurt when you throw him against the wall, but that a living bear (or dog, or person) would.
If your toddler’s habit seems to mushroom into an obsession—if he spends more time throwing the teddy against the wall than doing anything else with it—discuss the issue with his doctor.
GGRESSIVE FRIENDS
“The kids in my daughter’s play group are very aggressive, and she always ends up being pushed around. I’m not sure whether I should encourage her to fight back or whether I should just be happy she’s not aggressive.”
There’s a difference between fighting back and standing up for your rights. Teaching a child to fight back is teaching conflict resolution through physical force: someone hits you, you hit back; someone pushes you, you push back; someone bonks you on the head with a toy, you bonk back. And as satisfying as that bonk-for-a-bonk might feel, it rarely eliminates the friction between the sparring parties—all it winds up resolving is which child is brawnier and tougher.
Which is not to say that you should teach your child to roll over and play victim, either. It depends, really, on how victimized she feels. If she seems perfectly content to let a bully walk away with her booty while she finds something else to play with, there’s no reason to step in at all. It’s possible that her ego and self-worth aren’t dependent on the possessions she’s accumulated.
If, on the other hand, your toddler seems upset by the aggressive onslaughts of her playmates, she probably could use a few lessons in pest control (see page 179). And if her playmates start slugging, kicking, biting, or otherwise turn violent, she will need you to intervene. When you do step in, use the distraction of a new activity, a snack, or a change of locale (“How about we go outside for a while?”). See page 190 for ideas on dealing with fighting.
REATH HOLDING
“Once in a while, our son will hold his breath during a temper tantrum. Yesterday, he held it for so long that he lost consciousness for a minute. Can he hurt himself?”
Though watching your child hold his breath until he lost consciousness was undoubtedly traumatic for you, the only real damage done was to your nerves.
Breath holding, most common in the second year and usually gone by the fourth, is a behavior that frequently occurs for the first time during an intense crying spell associated with an injury or, less often, a fierce temper tantrum. At first, the child cries so hard he turns red in the face. As he becomes more distraught, he starts to hold his breath and his lips begin turning blue from lack of oxygen. If he holds his breath long enough, his skin turns blue (an occasional
child will turn pale) and he passes out. Rather than being harmful, this loss of consciousness is actually the body’s protective response, allowing normal respiration to resume. Thanks to this response, a child can’t harm himself by holding his breath.
Besides the wear and tear on your nerves, there is one possible negative effect of breath holding: a spoiled child. Sometimes, in an effort to avoid the conflicts and confrontations that could lead to such a spell, parents invariably give in to their toddler’s demands. A perceptive toddler quickly picks up on this, and begins to use breath holding as an effective weapon with which to hold his parents hostage to his whims. Not only can this result in a tyrannical toddler, but one who never learns how to handle frustration, disappointment, controversy, or limits, and is ill-prepared to deal with reality.
Treat breath holding as you would any display of temper; for help, see temper tantrums, page 336.
HAT’S THIS?-ITIS
“About three hundred times a day, my toddler says, ‘What’s this?’ She’ll ask even when she knows the answer!”
Curiosity, driven by an overwhelming drive to learn, is one factor that compels a toddler to ask “What’s this?” The need to practice her language skills (which often makes her ask about what she already knows) is another. To the novice talker, using a phrase such as “What’s this?” is more satisfying than using single words; using the phrase over and over and over again is even more satisfying.
But your toddler has yet another motivation for her broken-record style: attention-getting. It doesn’t take long for a toddler to figure out that questions yield a more substantial and sustained parental response than statements. While she might not receive more than a nod or an absent-minded, “Uh-huh,” when she calls out, “Doggy!” she generally receives a full-fledged answer to a query.
Eventually, as your toddler becomes more sophisticated, she will undoubtedly tire of asking “What’s this?” and move on to a more challenging (if briefer) question: “Why?” (See page 303 for tips on dealing with that challenge.) In the meantime, be patient with her, and respond to, “What’s this?” When you suspect she knows the answer, though, don’t hesitate to turn the tables and ask her “What do
you
think it is?” This may spare you some tedious repetition, while challenging your toddler to think and figure things out for herself.
HIFT FROM DIFFICULT BABY TO DIFFICULT TODDLER
“It was hard enough having a ‘difficult’ baby—I’m sure our daughter holds the world’s record for colic and crying. But now that she’s a toddler, she’s not just difficult, she’s impossible.”
It isn’t easy to distinguish between a normally difficult toddler and an especially difficult one. After all, most parents of toddlers would describe their tantrum-throwing, negative, rebellious, ritual-loving offspring as “difficult” at times. But an estimated one in four toddlers goes beyond “normal-difficult toddler behavior”—they are
more
prone to tantrums,
more
negative,
more
rebellious
, more
ritualistic.
LIVING WITH YOUR DIFFICULT TODDLER
Living with a toddler is hardly ever easy; living with a difficult toddler can sometimes border on the intolerable. The stress of coping with a child who can’t concentrate, or won’t sit still, or won’t put up with change, or won’t be quiet can be daunting, draining, and debilitating. Worst of all, it can make the best-intentioned parent feel hopelessly inadequate.
Just which children are
unusually
difficult and which
typically
difficult is probably a matter of opinion. Behavior that may seem typical and manageable to some parents may be unusually difficult to others. Either way, if a child’s behavior is unbearable to his or her parents, then steps need to be taken to do something about it.
Some children become difficult temporarily as they pass through transitional stages of childhood (the “terrible two’s,” for example) or because of severe family stress or illness, but their behavior is temporary and not inborn.
The following list describes the basic categories of difficult temperaments and how to handle them in a way that will make your life and the life of your child a lot more pleasant.
*
Knowing how to handle them will also help your child develop the positive aspects of his or her temperament rather than the negative.
Keep in mind that some difficult toddlers fit neatly into one category and that others display behaviors from two or more. The individual traits are stronger in some children than in others.
The super-high activity toddler.
These children make the average active toddler seem to be operating in slow motion. They won’t sit still, resolutely resist confinement (in a car seat, a high chair, even a crib), and tend to be “wild” and to lose control easily.
The positives:
Super-high activity children who learn how to harness their energy constructively can grow into adults who get a lot done and never run out of steam.
Best handling techniques:
Allow plenty of opportunity for outdoor play and for burning off energy, but insist on and enforce specific limits for safety and sanity’s sake (no jumping on beds, climbing on sofas, racing down stairs, and so on). Try to stop high-energy behavior from escalating into out-of-control behavior. If your toddler seems to be working up to a feverish frenzy, take him or her aside and quietly explain: “You’re getting too wild. If you don’t calm down, you will have to get off the slide (put the game away, stop playing ball, or whatever).” If the frenzy continues to build, insist on a “cool-down” period, trying one or more of the techniques on page 173. Or, substitute an acceptable excess energy outlet for the unacceptable one (see page 171). Respect your child’s inability to sit still, however, and try to avoid situations that require church-mouse decorum. (Also see other tips on handling the overactive child on page 173.)
The distractible toddler.
Toddlers typically have short attention spans; the distractible toddler seems to have none at all—flitting from activity to activity, distracted by a second before fully engaging in the first. The distractible toddler seems unable to listen or pay attention to parents, teachers, caregivers, or even playmates. Lack of concentration is at its worst when the child is not really interested in an activity or what is being said.
The positives:
Such children, with encouragement, can become fascinating adults with a wide range of interests.
Best handling techniques:
Since most toddlers are pretty distractible, the highly distractible toddler may not need much in the way of special attention at this age. You may, however, be able to gradually extend such a child’s ability to concentrate by discovering what subjects or activities best command his or her interest (animals, nature, babies, science, sports, cars, dinosaurs) and using this knowledge when choosing books,
games, toys, television programs, movies, and so on). Avoid subjects your child obviously finds boring and don’t try to force your distractible toddler to stay focused longer than he or she is able to. Keeping the house quiet and calm may also help your child to be able to pay attention longer.
Insisting on eye contact when you speak to or issue directives to your toddler is a good way of helping him or her shut out the distractions long enough to listen. To elicit full attention, say, “Please come here and sit down with me. I want to talk to you.” Then, with your toddler next to you or on your lap, assume a face-to-face position, and say, “Look at me and listen to what I’m going to say.” Suggest the same attention-directing technique to anyone else who cares for your child (it may help to demonstrate it as well).
The slow-to-adapt toddler.
Even more than the typical toddler, this child craves routine, ritual, and the status quo, plays favorites with clothes, foods, and toys, and finds transition and change seriously unsettling and disturbing. Once adjusted to a change, however, these children tend to cling to the new situation fiercely (after having a tantrum when it’s time to leave home to go to play group, such a child is likely to explode again when it’s time to return home). They can also be stubborn and persistent, prone to prolonged tantrums, and can whine incessantly in pursuit of a desired goal.
The positives:
Slow-to-adapt children often become adults with that rare and valued characteristic of being able to stick with a chosen subject or task.
Best handling techniques:
Whenever possible, pre pare your toddler for transitions by giving advance notice: “After lunch, we’re going to the playground.” Then, at the playground, give notice once again: “You can go down the slide one more time, and then we’ll go home.” An older toddler may cope better if you provide the entire afternoon’s schedule in advance (“After lunch we’ll go to the playground, then we’ll stop at the supermarket and buy milk and bread, and then we’ll go home so you can have a snack”). Using a timer (“When the buzzer rings it’s time to take a bath”) can also help the slow-to-adapt child to better handle change. Further ease a transition by choosing the most opportune moment to make it (waiting until your toddler has tired of playing with the shape-sorter before moving on to dinner, for instance). When a sudden change in plans is unavoidable, be especially patient and supportive.
For this toddler, changes in surroundings and belongings can be as distressing as changes in schedule. While it isn’t feasible or wise to avoid such changes entirely, you should try to avoid those that aren’t necessary. Instead of buying all new styles and colors when your child moves up to the next clothing size, select those that are as similar to the old familiars as possible. Let your toddler wear the same outfit every day if he or she wants to—even if it means buying in duplicate (one to wear and one to wash). Let your toddler eat the same foods every day, too, if that provides security; vary meals only as much as you need to in order to ensure good nutrition. When changes must be made—a beloved pair of sneakers must be replaced by a new pair—try to give your slow-to-adjust toddler time to adapt. Talk about the new sneakers for a few days before shopping for them. Allow some time for getting to know the new sneakers (to look at them, handle them, carry them around), instead of insisting they be put on fresh out of the box. Be patient if your toddler is clingy or hesitant in new situations, and provide support as needed. Don’t apply pressure or use labels: “Oh, Sam is so shy.” For more tips, see shyness, page 405; rituals, page 244; clothing problems, page 279.
The initial-withdrawal toddler.
When faced with new people, places, situations, food, or clothes, this child withdraws, cries, becomes clingy, and, if pushed, may have a tantrum.
The positives:
Such a child is more likely to grow up to be an adult who carefully analyzes situations before jumping into them and so is more likely to make wise decisions (not likely to be the kind of person to meet someone on Monday and run off to get married on Friday).
Best handling techniques:
As with the slow-to-adapt child, try whenever possible to serve the same foods, buy new sizes of similar clothing, repaint the bedroom the same
color, and so on. If it’s necessary to purchase something new, have your toddler help pick the item out and try to allow for an adjustment period before it must be used. Give the initial-withdrawal toddler plenty of time to acclimate to new situations; be as supportive, patient, and understanding as possible. Advance preparation—spending some time talking about an outing beforehand, showing your toddler pictures of the person or place you’re going to visit before you actually go—may help lessen the withdrawal reaction in these situations. Also see tips for dealing with the slow-to-adapt child (above) and with shyness (page 405).
The high-intensity toddler.
This child is always heard—even when not seen. When a high-intensity child is happy, miserable, angry, frustrated, tired, everybody within ear shot (and then some) knows it.
The positives:
This “loud” extrovert often does well in careers where being heard is important (such as politics, show business, and sales).
Best handling techniques:
If you can teach your child to have a relatively quiet “indoor” voice and a less-restrained “outdoor” voice, you’ve accomplished a lot and spared him or her repeated bouts of hoarseness (see page 288 for tips on doing that). If your toddler can’t seem to modulate volume at all, try some sound-deadening techniques at home (see page 205). Also provide your toddler with plenty of opportunities for exercising his or her vocal cords in a socially acceptable fashion—singing along with tapes, making animal noises, reciting nursery rhymes.
The unscheduled toddler.
As infants, these children never settled into a regular feeding or sleeping routine. Their parents never knew when they would waken, go to sleep, nap, or be hungry, cranky, or in good spirits. As toddlers, the guessing game continues. These children, not surprisingly, often have sleep problems.
The positives:
Unscheduled children can handle unpredictable situations well; they may thrive as adults in jobs with the kind of crazy hours that would drive other people crazy (radio and television, print journalism, show business, health services, for example).
Best handling techniques:
First of all, don’t count on ever getting the unscheduled child onto a predictable schedule. If schedules aren’t important to you, life with this toddler will be considerably easier. If they are important, keep some routines, but bend them as necessary. For example, if your toddler isn’t hungry at dinnertime, invite him or her to join you for a snack, but don’t force the issue of a main meal. Offer the meal later, when your toddler is finally hungry. Serve breakfast, but if your toddler’s not hungry yet and it’s time to go to day care, don’t push it. (Just let the teachers know that he or she may be ravenous at snack time.) At night, maintain a bedtime routine (vary it a bit each night, if your toddler seems to like it better that way), but when you tuck your child in, don’t insist on sleep. Tell your toddler she only needs to lie quietly. Provide a few books, toys, or a tape of lullabyes to enjoy until the sandman makes his irregular appearance.
The low-sensory-threshold, highly sensitive child.
The socks are bunched up, the sweater itches, the coat is too warm, the clock ticks too loudly, the lamp is too bright, the dog too smelly, the peanut butter too “bumpy,” the ice cream too soft. While most toddlers are finicky about some things, low-sensory-threshold children are finicky about almost everything. These children may be super-sensitive to light, sound, colors, textures,
temperature, pain, tastes, smells; they’re disquieted by things that other people may not even notice.
The positives:
These children can utilize their keen senses in a variety of useful and important creative, artistic, and scientific ways.
Best handling techniques:
As with other difficult temperaments, understanding and acceptance are crucial. The bunched-up socks truly
are
uncomfortable, the sweater really is itchy. The irritations aren’t imagined or overstated. Acknowledge this in what you say to your child: “I know you can’t stand it when the street noises are so loud” or “I know that garbage smells really bad to you.” And acknowledge it in what you do, too. Buy stretch socks that fit well but not too tightly and that have no bulky seams at the toe, choose soft cotton clothes that are less likely to itch (and wash them before the first wearing to soften them up), avoid clothes that have scratchy inner seams, rough linings, and high or binding necklines, and remove all labels that might rub against your toddler’s super-sensitive skin. If tying and retying shoelaces to get them “just right” takes too long in the morning, opt for Velcro closings on the next pair. Try to remember (or even keep a written record) of how your child likes various foods; the meals you prepare will be less likely to be rejected. If your child continually complains of being “warm,” try to dress him or her in layers or more lightly; avoid confining or very heavy coats. If certain colors make your toddler see red, avoid those colors when shopping for clothes or when decorating. If odors are a problem, install an exhaust fan in the kitchen, use unscented products (from bathroom tissue to hair spray and cleaning products). Try, if possible, to adjust the levels of light and sound in your home to your sensitive toddler’s comfort. For example, you can substitute an electric clock for one that ticks, put a dimmer on the living-room lamp, keep the volume low on your radio (and TV and tape player), and consider using soundproofing techniques, where practical (see page 205). For more on dressing the difficult toddler, see page 279.
The unhappy toddler.
These children don’t smile a lot as infants; as toddlers, they may whine and complain more than others, and may be said to have “serious” dispositions.
The positives:
The serious, sober child may not be as much fun to be around as the happy-go-lucky tyke, but by nature may be more likely to succeed academically, and later in life, in a wide range of fields where seriousness is appreciated.
Best handling techniques:
The best you can do for a child who’s serious and moody is accept him or her, and to recognize it’s not anyone’s fault.
**
Scolding or punishing your child for a negative frame of mind is unfair—it’s out of his or her control—and is only likely to make the mood more solemn. You can, however, minimize problems by dealing with other temperament issues your toddler may have at the same time (such as poor adaptability), which may be contributing to the seeming unhappiness. And smile a lot. Maybe you can rub the edges off your child’s negative moods.