What to Expect the Toddler Years (190 page)

Don’t
make the bathroom a battleground. Picking fights over pottying will only prolong the struggle. If you meet with
total
resistance, accept that your toddler’s not yet ready, and give up for a while—completely. Don’t bring the subject up every day, or point out peers who are in underpants, or display anger or hostility when changing diapers. If you meet
occasional
resistance, pretend you don’t care, and continue your toilet-teaching program as before.

Don’t
give up hope. The process of toilet learning may seem like it’s going to go on forever—but it won’t. Even the most resistant will one day decide that going to the potty beats wearing a diaper—and when that happens, toileting will become as routine for your child as it is for you.

Accidents are an inevitable part of learning to use the potty—just as falls are an inevitable part of learning to walk. But whether they’re occasional or frequent, sincerely accidental or accidentally-on-purpose, the less said about them, the better. Lecturing, threatening, or otherwise making a fuss will only promote resistance in a rebellious toddler and diminish confidence in a reticent one. Punishment is certainly not warranted; just as you would never have thought of punishing your toddler for falling when learning how to walk, neither should you
consider punishing your toddler for having an accident when learning how to use the potty. Don’t demand an apology (it was an accident, remember) or a confession (unless there’s a renegade puppy on the premises, there will be no doubt who did it).

React to an accident as casually as you possibly can. If your child seems upset, be reassuring, “That’s okay—you had an accident. No problem. Maybe next time you’ll get to the potty in time.” Change your toddler’s clothes without negative comment and without delay (forcing your child to stay in wet under-pants in order to teach “a lesson” is cruel, and will humiliate and/or anger, not motivate). To foster a feeling of self-sufficiency, encourage your toddler to “help” you in the clean-up, if he or she seems willing (but make hand washing afterwards a required part of the process).

Even when substantial progress is being made at potty learning, accidents happen; and they may happen frequently. But if they’re happening with virtually every urination and bowel movement, consider that the timing for toilet learning may not be right and return to diapers for a while (unless your toddler insists on staying with the potty). After all, there’s nothing to be gained from premature toilet learning but dirty laundry.

Though lack of readiness is the most common reason for very frequent accidents and very slow progress, there are others:

Stress. Separation anxiety, a new baby-sitter, a move, a new sibling, and family distress can all trigger accidents, even in children who have been clean and dry for a while.

Fatigue. Tired toddlers often have less control over all their skills, toileting included, and they are also more likely to revert to “babyish” behavior.

Excitement. Children often lose control of their bladder when they’re excited.

Concentration. Focusing on an exciting activity or on learning a new skill can disrupt some of the concentration a toddler needs to remember to use the potty. Toddlers are more prone to accidents when they’re engrossed in an activity.

Parental pressure. A parent’s preoccupation with toileting often turns off an independent-minded toddler.

Conflicted feelings. Some children wet themselves frequently because using the potty represents growing up and they don’t feel quite ready to give up their status as the “baby” of the family. Others have “accidents” because they’re reluctant to cede control to the older generation by doing what they know their parents want them to do most.

Pokiness. Some toddlers have accidents or mini-accidents (they get slightly wet or soiled en route to the potty) because they wait until the last minute and/or are slow in getting their pants down.

Urinary tract infection. Sometimes, a urinary tract infection can make bladder control tricky for a young child. An infection should always be considered in a toddler who’s had no success “holding it in” (but seems eager to try) or has had success followed by sudden regression, particularly if other symptoms are present (see page 613).