What to Expect the Toddler Years (93 page)

Put your toddler’s resistance to sharing in perspective. Unwillingness to part with a toy truck for even fifteen minutes (which for a toddler may seem like fifteen hours) may seem unreasonable, but it’s actually very valid. Put yourself in your child’s sneakers: How willing would you be to part with your car, your favorite shoes, or a special piece of jewelry, just overnight, even to a trusted friend? To toddlers, who don’t understand that they’ll get back what they lend, sharing possessions is even tougher.

Acknowledge to your toddler that it’s hard to share. Instead of scolding, “It’s not nice not to let Thomas play with your car,” empathize, saying, “I know it’s hard to share your car. It’s very special to you.” Such understanding will help your toddler overcome a reluctance to share sooner. You can also try to help your toddler to empathize with playmates:
“Kelly feels sad when you won’t let her play with your puzzle.”

Don’t share
for
your toddler. Your toddler’s toys belong to your toddler. Show you recognize that: Always ask permission before offering them to a playmate; if permission isn’t granted, don’t insist. In the long run this respect will encourage generosity and your toddler will be less likely to guard possessions jealously.

When it’s necessary for your toddler to share (you’re hosting a play group or a play date, for instance), discuss in advance which special toys should be put away and which he or she is willing to share. Until sharing becomes the norm, encourage children to bring one or two playthings of their own—just in case the host is feeling particularly possessive. As they become better negotiators they may start swapping, and this will be the beginning of sharing.

Also see if the principals in a fight over a toy can work it out on their own before you step in—unless, of course, fists start flying. When they settle peacefully or one of the children shows generosity, offer plenty of praise.

Share with your toddler. As usual, the best way for your toddler to learn is from your example. Make a point of sharing with your child often: Offer a piece of your muffin or a chunk of cheese off your plate, a look at your magazine (under supervision, of course), a chance to try on your boots. Explain that, “This is mine, but I like sharing it with you.”

Play sharing games, too: “You let me play with your doll and I’ll let you play with my deck of cards.” Sharing with you will be less threatening than sharing with peers, and it’s good practice and invaluable preparation.

Introduce lending and borrowing. Explain that when you lend something, you get it back; when you borrow, you have to give it back. Look for opportunities to illustrate it in your daily life. Borrow a teddy bear for a few minutes, then return it. Let your toddler borrow your sunglasses, then ask for them back. Point out that when children play with the swings at the playground, they don’t take them home; when they play with the blocks at a friend’s house, they don’t take them home. They are just “borrowing” them for a while.

Compliment all efforts at sharing, no matter how small or reluctant. Whenever your toddler agrees to share, commend and praise the act of kindness. Whenever possible, try to help your toddler see that sharing is its own reward: that letting a friend use one of his or her shovels makes a better skyscraper possible; that lending a playmate a truck makes for a more exciting race. With time, experience, and some gentle guidance (when your toddler refuses to share one toy, for example, suggest another), children eventually start to realize that sharing makes play sessions more productive, and that squabbling is a waste of valuable time. This conclusion is often reached sooner by children who have more frequent and more regular exposure to others their own age—whether it’s in a child-care situation or in some form of play group.

By the end of this month,
*
your toddler
. . . should be able to: (see Note)

kick a small ball forward

Note:
If your toddler has not reached these milestones or doesn’t use symbolic play and words, consult the doctor or nurse-practitioner. This rate of development may well be normal for your child (some children are late bloomers), but it needs to be evaluated. Also check with the doctor if your toddler seems out-of-control or hyperactive; uncommunicative, passive, or withdrawn; highly negative, demanding, and stubborn. (Remember, the child who was born prematurely often lags behind others of the same chronological age. By twenty-three months, this developmental gap has generally narrowed; it generally disappears by age two.)

. . . will probably be able to:

combine words (by 22½ months)

identify 6 body parts by naming

use 50+ single words