What to Expect the Toddler Years (88 page)

Even once all these signs are present, toilet learning generally won’t happen overnight. It took weeks of trial and
error (and patience on everyone’s part) for your child to learn to walk; expect the same with her learning to use the toilet.

“I’m expecting a second child in two months. Our son hasn’t seemed ready for toilet learning, so we haven’t pushed the issue, but we’re having second thoughts now that we’re thinking about all the diapers.”

There’s only one timetable that matters to your toddler when it comes to his toilet learning—his own. Though it’s tempting to try to tamper with his agenda so that it will be more compatible with your own, it probably isn’t wise. As with all developmental milestones, toilet learning is best and most efficiently accomplished when the child—not his parents—is ready. Pressuring a toddler to relinquish his diapers prematurely almost never works, particularly when the pressure coincides with the birth of a new baby. Even a child who’s already proficient in using the potty may regress when a sibling appears on the scene; one who’s just starting out has even less chance of staying on the toileting track.

Of course, if you find that your toddler shows a genuine interest in learning to use the potty, don’t feel compelled to wait until he’s comfortable with his approaching status as older sibling before you oblige. Seize the moment, and start the learning process (see
Chapter Nineteen
). But be especially sensitive, expect relapses, and be ready to retire the potty for a while should you encounter renewed resistance from your toddler.

“My daughter used to be so generous with her playmates—she’d give them anything they wanted. Now all of a sudden, she’s turned selfish.”

It’s a toddler-vs.-toddler world out there, and your daughter, like most children in their second year, has suddenly realized it. As a baby, ownership didn’t mean much to her, and it was rarely threatened by those around her—consequently, she didn’t feel the need to defend it. Now she has a new sense of self (“This is me!”) and of ownership (“These are mine!”). Enter other self-centered toddlers—with their curious little hands—and it’s no wonder she’s taken to protecting her turf and her toys.

It’s important to recognize that the impulse to guard what is hers (and to occasionally grab what she wants to be hers) reflects not selfishness but a developmental stage. Real generosity isn’t possible until one learns about ownership and feels comfortable enough with it to share. A willingness to share with her playmates—at least part of the time—probably won’t be forthcoming for at least a year. You can help speed the time when “give” will be at least as much a part of your child’s life as “take” by preparing her to share (see page 267).

For many parents, staying at home with a toddler is challenge enough; venturing out with one—whether on a day trip or a two-week vacation—is a prospect that can fill even the most adventurous soul with trepidation. A tantrum at home—well, you can always close the windows or call for a time-out. A tantrum at the supermarket—you can always fall back on a quick dash to the car or a speedy retreat back home. But a tantrum aloft at 30,000 feet a full two hours from landing, or speeding along the interstate thirty minutes from the next exit, or on an Amtrak jam-packed with travelers a day away from your destination—this is the stuff that parental nightmares are made of.

Yet the open roads and the open skies still beckon (as do doting grandparents or friends eager for your next visit), vacation days mount up, and toddler or no toddler, the time does come to get up and go. So go—but not before you’ve planned, planned, and planned some more.

Although it may seem inherently unfair that one very small person should determine the course of an entire family’s vacation, tailoring your trips to the likes, dislikes, and tolerances of your tiny tourist really is the wisest way to go. After all, if your toddler isn’t having a good time, no one’s going to have a good time. In the interest of all:

Check with the doctor.
If you are planning a major trip abroad, try to schedule a pediatrician appointment two months before your departure date. If your toddler has a chronic health problem, such as asthma or diabetes, ask what special precautions you need to take while traveling and for the name of a local doctor at your destination, on whom you can call should an emergency arise. If your child regularly takes medication, ask for an extra prescription, in case the medication is lost en route. If you are planning to fly with a toddler who has frequent colds or a respiratory allergy, inquire about taking along an antihistamine and/or decongestant spray. If you’re going abroad, request a recommendation for treating traveler’s tummy; it’s a good idea to take along some packets of ORT solution (such as Pedialyte; see page 603), which you can reconstitute with bottled water should your toddler come down with diarrhea. Some foreign destinations require special immunizations or other health precautions. Health information on travel with children is available from your child’s doctor; or online under “parents” at the American Academy of Pediatrics
www.aap.org
and plug in “travel” in the search box. For the latest on the health essentials for foreign travel, including immunization requirements and the safety of food and water at your proposed destination, call the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) hotline at 877-FYI-TRIP or go to cdc.gov/travel. Information is also available from the World Health Organization in the booklet
International Travel and Health,
which can be bought online or downloaded at
www.who.int/ith/en
/.

Make sleeping arrangements.
Most hotels, motels, and resorts can supply a crib for a young toddler. If your toddler sleeps in a bed, check ahead to be sure that side rails are available, or that the
bed supplied for your toddler can be placed between a wall and your own bed. If you’re visiting family, see about renting or borrowing a crib or side rails. In a pinch, a children’s sleeping bag on the floor will also work for an older toddler (but be sure that the room is childproof; see page 261).

Limit your itinerary.
One-destination vacations—visiting relatives or sojourns at a family-oriented resort, at a beach house, or in a single city—are usually the most successful with toddlers. Most cruises and ocean voyages are not recommended for toddlers, both because young children require constant supervision on board and because they could be injured or frightened when the ship begins rolling (but there are some open seas options open to families with toddlers; see page 260). If you’re planning a touring vacation, limit the stops so that you’re not constantly on the go; in other words, don’t try to do seven cities in as many days. Unless you’re lucky enough to have an atypically adaptable and agreeable toddler, you’d be asking for trouble.

Limit your expectations.
The trick to a relatively restful vacation with toddler in tow is to keep expectations low and patience high. True, your toddler may surprise everyone by being agreeable and adaptable, by cheerfully accompanying you on shopping sprees and culture binges, by behaving impeccably on airplanes and in five-star restaurants. But your toddler may, more predictably, act like a toddler. Most toddlers will be bored to tears (literally) by long, overscheduled days in museums, boutiques, and on tour buses. So plan accordingly.

Limit the sightseeing
. If sightseeing is on your agenda, keep in mind that you won’t be able to follow the typical tourist routine. You may want to see
everything in the guidebook, but chances are your toddler won’t. So unless you’re lucky enough to be able to bring along a nanny or a family member who will be willing to baby-sit while you tour, you’ll have to alternate adult-interest sightseeing with toddler-interest activities (zoos, children’s museums, beaches, parks, amusement parks). And don’t try to crowd too much into any one day. In most cases, one destination in the morning and one in the afternoon will be all your toddler can tolerate.

Try to schedule visits to adult-interest museums, churches, historic monuments, and the like when your toddler will (you hope) be napping in the stroller or, at least, less likely to be cranky. If there are two or more adults in your party, consider taking turns touring and baby-sitting. If you’re solo, consider hiring an occasional baby-sitter (your requirements for a baby-sitter away from home should be as stringent as those for at-home sitters; see page 820) so that you can do a little adult stuff.

Younger toddlers may be fascinated enough by the forms, colors, and shapes at a museum or gallery to allow you to tour for an hour or so, especially if they are comfortably ensconced in a stroller. Older children may be more cooperative if you build a game into the visit. Try, for example, “Can you find it?” On arrival, head right for the gift shop and have your child pick out postcards of two or three interesting paintings or exhibits that are in that museum. Then challenge your little sightseer to match the pictures to the real thing: “Can you find this knight in armor and that pretty painting?” Be sure, of course, that your route takes you to the exhibits where the knight and the painting can be found.

For information on attractions attractive to toddlers, pick up a local guide-book that focuses on kids and/or check with the local parenting paper, if there is one (go to parentingpublications.org; click on “Find a Member,” and input your state name for a full listing).

Limit the chaos.
On days with busy schedules of visiting or sightseeing, try having breakfast in the room before heading out and/or dinner in the room on your return. This not only reduces the number of times you have to traipse from place to place but also makes the hotel room feel a bit more like home, and fitting in baths and bedtime rituals easier. If you have a room with a refrigerator or a kitchenette, so much the better. You can stock up on familiar foods and beverages and reduce the stress (and expense) of constantly eating out.

And don’t forget to pack your sense of humor.
It’s essential to survival when traveling with children. If you’re able to laugh when things go wrong—and they will—they won’t seem half so bad.

Book early.
If you can, get your tickets well in advance—this allows you to choose the flight and the seats you want. A travel agent should not only be able to book your seats in advance (at no extra cost), but supply you with boarding passes, which can save time and tension at the airport.

Travel at off-peak times.
The less crowded a flight is, the more comfortable you will be, the better the service will be, and the less your toddler’s behavior will affect other passengers. (On many routes, Monday afternoon through Thursday noon are off-peak.)
Try to choose flights at times when your toddler ordinarily sleeps (night flights are great for long trips; nap times for short ones). Maybe, just maybe, he or she will really sleep for a while on the plane.

Look for “nonstops” on short trips.
The faster you get from here to there, the better for all.

Consider breaking up a long trip.
On a daytime flight that is going to last five hours or more, a brief stopover may make the trip more tolerable. Look for a “direct” flight, so that the stopover doesn’t require changing planes; you’ll be able to leave the bulk of your luggage on board when you deplane with your toddler. Use the time at the airport to get a bite to eat, wash up, take care of diapering or toileting, let your toddler run off some energy, watch other planes take off and land, and—if there is one—to visit the airport play center. When a change of planes is involved, make sure that you and your toddler will have enough time to make your way in a leisurely fashion to the next gate, which can be literally miles away in some large airports. When possible, avoid flights that make several stops.

Consider an extra seat.
Though kids under two can travel for free, parents often choose to purchase a seat for them anyway. Confined to an adult’s lap during takeoff, landing, and periods of air turbulence (which can be frequent on some flights), a toddler is likely to twist, turn, and petition loudly for freedom. Paying full fare for a toddler may seem an extravagance (though some airlines offer half-price tickets for little ones), but it will make sitting, playing, and eating less of a hassle for both of you, and at the same time make your child feel more important (with a safety belt, tray, headphones, and armrests of his or her own). Toddlers buckled into a separate seat are also safer in severe turbulence than those restrained only by a parent’s arms. (For extra safety, bring along your toddler’s car seat.)