What to Expect the Toddler Years (97 page)

With ornamentation
. A tired old coat can become a prized favorite when it’s been adorned with whimsical appliques. Muzzle your good taste, and let your toddler’s decorating talents and imagination run wild in a notions or souvenir store. (Never sew your toddler’s name on the outside of her coat. You don’t want to give strangers a means of attracting her attention.) Apply the appliques for her personalized “new” coat.

With distraction
. Talking fast (and working even faster) distract your toddler with conversation and/or a few props (a toy, an egg timer, your keys) before approaching with the coat.

With the unexpected
. Do something goofy with your toddler’s coat before attempting to put it on her. Put it on yourself (which should look plenty comical), and announce, “Okay, I’m ready to go out.” Or drape the coat over her dinosaur or the dog. With any luck, your toddler will find you so amusing that she’ll forget to protest when you help her into the coat. She may even become so possessive of the garment, that she’ll
insist
you put it on
her.

With a little logic
. Before your toddler reaches the point of tantrum, when reasoning will be futile, try talking sense. If you have a window that lets you see pedestrians, put your toddler in front of it and point out people passing by, “See how cold it is outside. Everybody is wearing a coat. Brrr. . . .”

When no number of parental ploys induces your child to put her coat on willingly, you’ll have no choice but to put it on her anyway. Be firm, but understanding (“I know you don’t like to wear a coat, but when it’s cold out, you have to”) and quickly distract her once the deed is done (“Let’s hurry out and see if we can see our breath today”).

“No sooner do I put a hat and mittens on my daughter, than she yanks them off. This goes on for blocks, and she always ends up the winner.”

Almost every toddler has an on-again, off-again relationship with hats and mittens. Fortunately, though bare fingers and a bare head may make a child feel colder (particularly the bare head, since most body heat escapes via the head), they won’t make her catch cold—only a virus can do that. And on most days, you needn’t panic when the hat and mittens come off.

On very cold days, however, when the wind-chill factor is below 32°F (0°C), frostbite is a distinct possibility. On such days, your child should not play outdoors if she refuses to dress properly. Nor should she be allowed to play in the snow without mittens. This rule shouldn’t hamper your activities if you get around by car—your toddler’s fingers won’t freeze during a quick sprint from house to car to supermarket, for example. But if your outings require walking any distance, you can try fastening a rain cover over her stroller to keep heat in. If that doesn’t work, you may have to get a baby-sitter to watch your toddler while you run errands, if she steadfastly refuses to wear her hat and mittens. Having to stay home once or twice may persuade her that covering her hands and head is worthwhile.

Some tactical maneuvers may help you to win her cooperation sooner, however. Allow her to pick out a new hat and mittens. Head coverings that may be more acceptable include: a hat made of orlon or other soft synthetic (such as the fleecy Polartec) instead of an itchier wool one; a roomy hood, which won’t be as confining as a tight knit hat; a hat with a fun shape (with puppy ears, for instance); a balaclava, a hood-type hat that slips over the head and covers the neck and chin, doesn’t need tying, and eliminates the need for a scarf; a head-band or ear muffs, which won’t do much about keeping the heat in, but will protect ears from frostbite.

Knit gloves may be more acceptable to your toddler than mittens; they’ll be
less bulky and allow more movement, though they won’t be as warm. Or perhaps mittens shaped like animal puppets (show your child how her hands can converse with each other) or with spaceships or other emblems will do the trick. (Waterproof mittens will allow your toddler to play in the snow.)

Clip mittens or gloves to jacket sleeves so that your toddler can’t use “I don’t know where they are” as an excuse for not wearing them. It’s a good idea to buy a duplicate pair of gloves or mittens so that if one of each is lost, you still have a matching pair. Carry the extra pair along on outings, so small fingers can be kept warm in case a mitten suddenly disappears.

Of course, you shouldn’t be surprised if none of these ploys keeps your toddler’s fingers and head covered. And unless the mercury dips below freezing, this shouldn’t be a concern. Just carry the hat and mittens with you, and be ready to offer them should your toddler start rubbing her fingers or complaining of the cold.

“My daughter wants to dress herself from head to toe—without any help from me. But she usually gets so frustrated that she ends up having a tantrum.”

Unfortunately, the desire to “do it myself” often comes well before the ability to do it (which, in the case of self-dressing, won’t come until closer to the third birthday). The resultant frustration often sets off a tantrum. Although it’s impossible to protect your toddler from all frustration (and not advisable, either, since a certain amount of frustration motivates development and achievement), it is possible to minimize her frustration with dressing by taking these steps:

Make it easy
. When you’re buying clothes or making selections from her current wardrobe, look for easy-to-pull-on pants, shorts, and skirts with elastic waistbands, and clothing without zippers, buttons, and snaps; roomy-necked pullovers and sweatshirts; easy-on jumpers and dresses that won’t get stuck halfway up (or down).

Blame the clothes, not her
. When she runs into a dressing snafu, criticize the clothes instead of her efforts: “This sweater is being so silly today, it just can’t figure out what to do. Let’s see if we can get this silly sweater on you together.”

Let her finish what you start
. If getting the clothes into position is too tricky for her (she always gets both legs into the same pants leg, for instance, or puts her dresses on backwards), get her started, then let her finish. This can be particularly satisfying for her if you play that you need
her
help (“I can’t get these pants up. Can you do it for me?”). For more tricks of the dressing trade, see page 498.

“My son doesn’t seem the least bit interested in dressing himself.”

Not every toddler would rather do it himself—there are those who are content to sit back and have it done for them. This is less a matter of innate laziness than of readiness. At almost two, most toddlers aren’t yet capable of handling the intricacies of dressing themselves (though most can certainly
un
dress). And until they’re able to do it easily and well, some toddlers prefer not to try at all.

Sometimes parents are unwitting accomplices in perpetuating a toddler’s disinterest in dressing himself. Either
they make his life too cushy, stifling any instinct to help himself by waiting on him hand and foot, or they push him too quickly toward independence, which causes him to cling to his dependence. Or they leave him hungry for attention during those hectic morning hours—and he finds that needing help with dressing is one way to get some of the attention he craves.

Though it will probably be at least a year before your toddler will be capable of completely dressing himself, you can help start him on the long road to self-reliance in the following ways:

Give him some lessons
. How to get into a shirt or a pair of pants may seem obvious to an experienced hand at dressing, but a toddler often doesn’t know where to begin, and needs some instruction from you.

Give him first dibs
. Before you jump in and take over, always give your toddler the chance to dress or undress himself. For example, announce, “Time to get undressed for your bath. I’ll fill the tub while you get your clothes off.” If there’s been no action by the time the tub is filled, offer to lend a hand. Do the same with dressing in the morning. Lay out his clothes, and give him some time to get the process going before offering assistance.

Try a little friendly challenge
. Position your toddler’s pants halfway up his legs, then stand back and say, “Gee, those pants don’t look right. What do you think is wrong with them?” In the silliness of the moment, he may forget himself and pull the pants up to his waist. Each time, leave a little more for him to do. Whenever he refuses, just do it yourself without comment.

Offer praise, avoid criticism
. Even the smallest effort—picking up his socks and handing them to you, zipping up his sweatshirt jacket—should be cheered. Ditto the most bumbling attempts. So what if the shirt is on backwards? He did it himself. Unless
he
wants to correct a dressing faux pas (or if it might interfere with his functioning—as when he gets two legs in the same pants leg), leave it as is.

Making threats (“If you don’t dress yourself, you’ll just go out in your pajamas”) or belittling a child for failure to dress himself (“Only babies need help to get dressed—big boys get dressed themselves”) won’t provide your toddler with an incentive to start dressing himself. Such tactics will, however, attach negative associations to dressing, which could make mornings a problem for years to come.

Practice patience . . .
It’s possible that your toddler isn’t interested in self-dressing because he’s interested in too many other things. He may have bigger developmental fish to fry; dressing may seem too mundane for now. So persevere without pressuring him.

. . . but not forever.
By the time your toddler reaches age two, he should be encouraged to
begin
learning how to dress himself. By the time he’s three, he should be able to manage nearly everything himself, except for tricky buttons, suspender clasps, and other such tough closures. At that point, you can begin to insist he do some self-dressing, especially when he has a play date he’s eager to get to. Let him miss a couple of special events because he failed to get dressed, and he should start self-dressing with more enthusiasm.

“Our son seems frightened by roughhousing, but my father-in-law insists that it’ll only make him tougher.”

Roughhousing a child who doesn’t like to be roughhoused isn’t likely to make him tougher, only more wary of physical contact and/or terrified of the roughhouser. Different children respond differently to roughhousing, just as they respond differently to hugging and cuddling. And with rough-and-tumble play, as with hugging and cuddling, it’s important to take note of a child’s response and avoid what he finds uncomfortable.

Continued roughhousing could result in exaggerated fears (even nightmares), particularly if the activity takes place shortly before bedtime. It could also compromise your toddler’s relationship with his grandfather. Explain this to your father-in-law, and encourage him to switch to activities that your toddler enjoys—playing with cars, for example, or building with blocks.

It’s also important to communicate to your father-in-law and anyone else who might get rough with your toddler that there is a risk of serious injury (including retinal detachment and brain damage) if a toddler under three is shaken vigorously or thrown up in the air. (But don’t worry about past rough-housing; if damage had been done, there would be obvious signs.)

”Every time I sit down to write a letter, look at the newspaper, or get something else done, my daughter demands that I play with her. How can I get her to play by herself?”

Toddlers who can play alone for any length of time are a rare breed—with lucky parents. Most toddlers prefer a playmate—either because they are naturally gregarious or because they aren’t yet skilled at independent play. And parents make ideal, and often very available, playmates.

While playing with your daughter every day is important for her development and your relationship, and while it can be relaxing, enriching, and fulfilling, you shouldn’t feel obligated to be at her beck and call round the clock. For your sake and for hers, your child needs to get some experience playing alone and to recognize that you have pursuits and pastimes beyond block building and toddler tea parties.

By seeing you work on your own, and by seeing you enjoy working on your own, she will learn that solo activities can be fun. When she does spend some time on her own, she will find she can be “good company” and that will make her feel good about herself. Start teaching her how:

Give her lessons
. We often assume that children are born knowing how to play. But the fact is they often need help using a particular toy or plaything—whether it’s advice on how to stack those blocks so they won’t tumble, how to turn that triangle so it will fit into the shape-sorter, or how to get started on a jigsaw puzzle. The more time you spend orienting your toddler to the joys of her own toys, the sooner she will be able to play with them on her own.

Get her started
. Each time you want her to spend some time on her own, get her started on an activity, then tell her she can do her work while you do yours. Be available, of course, if she periodically needs help.

Keep her company
. Your toddler will be more receptive to playing by herself in your company than all alone. Cuddle up on the bed together with a book for you and a pile of books for her and say, “I’m going to read my book; you can look at your books.” Set her up with
some crayons and paper at the kitchen table while you catch up on overdue correspondence. Give her a plastic shovel to work the dirt while you do some weeding (but don’t let her eat the daises, or the dirt).