What to Expect the Toddler Years (47 page)

Withholding parental love is not an acceptable method of discipline. It threatens a child’s self-esteem and sets the stage for a variety of problems later. It’s important to let children know that even when their behavior is not lovable, they are still loved. (“I don’t like what you’re doing,” rather than “I don’t like you.”)

The most effective discipline is neither uncompromisingly rigid nor overly permissive. Discipline that relies entirely on parental policing, rather than on encouraging the development of self-control, usually turns out children who are totally submissive to their parents but often totally out-of-control once out of reach of parental or other adult authority. Overly permissive parents aren’t likely to turn out well-behaved children, either. Their overindulged offspring are often selfish, rude, and unpleasant, quick to argue, and slow to comply.

Both extremes can leave a child feeling unloved. Strict parents may seem cruel, and thus unloving; permissive parents may appear apathetic, and thus uncaring. A more nurturing and successful brand of discipline falls somewhere in between—it sets limits that are fair, and enforces them firmly but lovingly.

That’s not to say that there aren’t normal and acceptable variations in disciplining styles. Some parents are simply more relaxed by nature, and some are more rigid. Be yourself as a parent as long as you avoid the extremes.

Effective discipline is individualized. If you have more than one child, you almost certainly noticed differences in their personalities from birth. You may even have noticed how such differences have influenced the way you discipline each child. One, for instance, will refrain from touching an electric outlet after a gentle remonstrance. Another won’t take your warning seriously unless there is a stern tone—or perhaps blind terror—in your voice. A third needs to be removed bodily from the source of danger. A single cross word may reduce one child to tears. Another may tune out (or even laugh in the face of) a thorough scolding. For some children, adult silence or a sharp look may be most effective.

Circumstances can alter a child’s response to discipline. A child who ordinarily requires strong admonitions may be crushed if scolded when tired or teething. So tailor your style to the situation as well as to your child.

Children need limits. They often can’t control their impulses and become frightened when they lose control. Limits, set by parents and lovingly enforced, let them know what to expect and provide a comforting tether to keep children secure, steady, and safe as they explore and grow. Stretching those limits because your toddler is “just a baby” isn’t fair to your child or to anyone whose rights may be violated by his or her action. Tender
age shouldn’t confer the right to pull a sibling’s hair or tear up Mommy’s magazine.

Just which limits you set depends on your priorities. In some homes, keeping shoes off the sofa and not eating in the living room are paramount issues. In others, staying out of Mommy’s or Daddy’s desk drawers is vital. In most families, common courtesy and simple etiquette—using “Please” and “Thank you,” sharing, respecting other people’s feelings—are primary expectations. Set rules you feel strongly enough about to enforce fully, but keep them to a reasonable number.

Learning to live with limits is necessary for survival in a society that is full of limits—at school, work, and play. Learning to live with limits from an early age can help ease some of the turmoil when “the terrible twos” hits, as well as provide a head start on developing self-control.

Of course, it’s one thing to talk about setting limits for toddlers, and another to actually enforce them. It’s tempting to give in to an achingly adorable tot who flashes an impish grin in response to your “No!” or to give up and look the other way when your “no” has been boldly disregarded for the fifth time. But it’s important to steel yourself and stick to your “no”—for your toddler’s sake, as well as for the sake of the table that’s about to be crayoned or the vase that’s about to be tossed like a football across the living room. While it may not seem vital now to stop your toddler from taking her crackers into the living room (you can always vacuum up the crumbs later, after all), it is. If your child doesn’t learn to follow at least a few rules now, the many that come later in life will be that much harder for him or her to live with. You can expect your rules to be met with more defiance than compliance in the beginning, but as time goes on, you’ll find that your toddler will begin to accept the limits you set as a matter of course.

A toddler who gets into trouble isn’t “bad.” Since young toddlers don’t know right from wrong, their misdeeds can’t be considered wicked. They learn about the world by experimenting, observing cause and effect, and testing their environ-ment—and the adults in it. What happens when I turn over my glass of juice? Will the same thing happen if I tip it again? And again? What’s inside that kitchen drawer, and what will happen if I dump it out? What will Mommy’s reaction be?

Repeatedly telling your child that he or she is “bad” or “naughty” can damage a young ego and interfere with the development of self-confidence, which is necessary for achievement down the road. And the child who hears “You’re always so bad!” over and over may well fulfill the prophecy in later years (“If they say I’m bad, I must be bad”). Criticize your toddler’s actions, but not your toddler (“Hitting is bad,” not “You’re bad”).

Sometimes disobedience is almost incidental. A toddler may appear disobedient when he or she is just distracted. Busy with an activity and unable to focus on more than one thing at a time, your child may shut out what you’re saying to avoid overload. Also, a toddler may resist parental authority because he or she lacks the ability to assess options and foresee results in a particular situation. Rather than doing what they’re told, they feel compelled to try each possibility, simply to see what will happen. This can appear to be intentional disobedience, but isn’t. To top it off, a toddler’s impulse control is weak; while they may get the message that dunking the bath towel in the toilet bowl is wrong, they haven’t yet learned how to curb the urge to do it.

Consistency is important. If shoes are forbidden on the sofa today but permitted tomorrow, or if hand-washing before dinner was compulsory yesterday
but overlooked today, the only lesson learned is that the world is confusing and rules are meaningless. If you fail to be consistent, you’ll lose credibility. When you do make an exception, explain why.

Follow-through is crucial. Looking up from your book long enough to mutter “Don’t do that” to a toddler who’s tugging the television wires, but not long enough to make sure she stops, is not effective discipline. If your actions don’t speak at least as loud as your words, your admonitions will lose their impact. When the first “no” is ineffective, take immediate action, especially in such a dangerous situation. Put down your book, pick up your toddler with a firm, “Don’t touch the television wires, it’s dangerous,” and move him or her away from temptation—preferably far away, into another room. Then take your child’s mind off the television with a favorite plaything. For most toddlers, what’s out of sight is quickly out of mind—though a few may try to return to the scene, in which case you’ll have to repeat the relocation process as many times as it takes or, if possible, make the forbidden fruit completely inaccessible. Distraction, when it works, also allows a toddler to save face when “no” is seen as a challenge.