What to Expect the Toddler Years (44 page)

“Every time we go to play group, my daughter comes home with a new annoying habit that she’s picked up from one of the other children. One week it was screeching, the next it was making blowing noises, the next it was hitting.”

When toddlers step out into the social scene, they learn a lot from other children—unfortunately, not all of it good. Because they are such excellent mimics, young children tend to pick up
the mannerisms and habits—positive and negative—of others. Generally, they test each out for a week or two, then drop it as they pick up a new one that’s caught their interest. Sometimes, a habit sticks for longer periods.

Scolding, nagging, or punishing your toddler for the behavior won’t get her to give it up and may even make her cling to it more tenaciously. So do your best to ignore what you deplore, or to distract your toddler when she starts pursuing habits that you find especially annoying. When the copy-cat behavior is not only annoying, but unsafe or unacceptable—hitting or biting, for example—deal with it calmly but promptly (see individual behaviors for tips).

It may also help to discuss your concerns with the other parents in the group. Taking a united front against unacceptable or inappropriate conduct may make it easier to deal with.

“We’ve got constant headaches from the screeching and screaming our son does around our house.”

Unfortunately, toddlers don’t come equipped with automatic volume controls—or, for that matter, with self-control over their volume. And though you may not enjoy your son’s performance, he’s certainly enjoying performing. He’s suddenly discovered his enormous capacity for creating sound and is gleefully taking advantage of it. Like a recording engineer with a sound control panel at his fingertips, he experiments with levels of pitch and volume. And while everyone around him is developing a migraine, he’s having a blast.

You could turn a deaf ear (you may feel as though you’re soon going to have two of them) and allow this annoying habit to run its natural course—as, like many toddler habits, it eventually will. Or, with the help of the following tips, you can make an effort to bring the screeching, if not to a screeching halt, at least to a decibel range that’s easier on the ears.

Don’t join him.
Keeping the general noise level in the house low (no blaring television or radio, loud rock music, or shouting matches between parents) will help—at least in the long run—to discourage your toddler’s own noisemaking. Shouting at him to stop shouting, on the other hand, will rev up the competition and inspire him to greater shouting heights. You will also validate his screaming (“If Mommy and Daddy scream, screaming must be okay”).

Redirect his talents.
When the screeching starts, turn on some lively music and encourage your toddler to sing instead. (If you’re outside the house, you can try to engage him in an impromptu sing-along of favorite songs or a recitation of nursery rhymes.) Even if he doesn’t want to sing, he may stop screaming, if only so that he can hear you sing. Or suggest other interesting ways your child can use his voice—mooing like a cow, meowing like a cat, barking like a dog, vrooming like a car. Though not voice-box generated, making sounds with musical instruments may also fill your toddler’s need for making noise.

Speak softly.
When the screeching starts, look your toddler straight in the eye and whisper to him. Seeing your lips move but being unable to hear what you’re saying may make him curious enough to stop screaming and start listening.

Help him find his little voice.
Small children have a hard time lowering their voices to a whisper, but they can have fun trying. When your toddler’s
vocalizing wanders out of bounds, challenge him to a “whisper” match by whispering a word, then having him whisper it back. Though his will come back more like stage whispers for at least the next couple of years, playing the whisper game shows your toddler that there’s fun not just in raising his voice, but in lowering it, too.

Limit his big voice.
By the time your toddler is in the second half of the second year, he will have an easier time accepting limits, including those put on screeching. He will be able to understand the concept of an “inside voice” and an “outside voice”; see page 288. Or specific rules on when and where his “big” voice can be used (“You can scream in your room, but not in the rest of the house,” or “You can screech at the playground but not in a restaurant”). Setting such a limit works better than banning shrieking altogether; behavior generally becomes even more attractive when it’s forbidden.

“My daughter’s diaper isn’t on for two minutes before she’s yanked it off. She finds it funny; I find it incredibly frustrating.”

Given the effort it often takes to diaper a toddler, it’s especially upsetting when she undoes all your hard work in short order—and with no effort at all. It’s also more than a bit unnerving, since a toddler’s little striptease leaves not only the toddler, but the rug, the sofa, the bed, and any other surface of the house she frequents, alarmingly unprotected.

To relieve your frustration you will probably have to increase your toddler’s—by making it difficult-to-impossible for her to remove her diapers. Since cloth diapers kept on by Velcro wraps are a snap to remove, consider switching back to diaper-pinned ones until your toddler’s kicked the stripping habit. If she’s in disposables, try pinning the flaps closed so she can’t rip them open as easily. Further foil her attempts by attaching her diaper or the diaper cover snugly to both sides of her undershirt with diaper pins, and by outfitting her in overalls or one-piece coveralls that she’ll have difficulty maneuvering out of.

All these efforts may initially evoke rage from your toddler. But if you stick to your guns (or your pins) and keep your cool, distracting your little complainer whenever possible, this too will pass.

If she continues to wriggle out of her diapers as she gets closer to potty-learning age (near the end of year two), use her penchant for a naked bottom as an opportunity to begin the toileting process. At this point, tell her that if she doesn’t like wearing diapers, she can start wearing training pants (see page 544) at home, which she can pull off by herself when she wants to go to the potty. (See
Chapter Nineteen
for more on potty learning.)

“Our toddler still drags a tattered old crib blanket around with her. Isn’t she too old for this sort of thing?”

Your toddler obviously doesn’t think so. And because, by and large, kids are the experts on what’s age-appropriate for them, it’s her opinion that counts. In fact, though most children form a bond with a security or comfort object before the end of the first year, dependence on it doesn’t peak until the second year. The
reasons are sound. For one thing, though a toddler can’t always take Mommy or Daddy along as she explores her world, she isn’t quite ready to go it alone. A transitional object—whether it’s a tattered blanket, a well-worn teddy bear, or a trusty thumb—provides a perfect, portable source of reassurance. For another, fears (of the dark, of strangers, of dogs, of vacuum cleaners, to name just a few) start multiplying in the second year; the moral support a transitional object provides does much to help a toddler face them.

Though we don’t usually think about it, adults also often use comfort objects to increase their comfort level in a new or awkward situation. However, we’ve learned to substitute more socially acceptable objects for the threadbare blankets of our youth: a glass to hold at a cocktail party, a briefcase to clutch at a crucial meeting, or a lucky talisman to rub when negotiating a big deal.

So support your toddler’s right to the support of a comfort object. Never tease her about it or pressure her to give it up or leave it at home. And don’t be embarrassed for her or for yourself when she drags it around—it’s perfectly normal toddler behavior. It’s also very common for these comfort objects to have pet names, such as “lovey,” “goggie,” or “gigee.” Your child’s may be totally original; feel free to use her term when referring to the object. You can, however, take some steps to make her use of the security object less pervasive—and to make giving it up easier, when she’s ready.

Try to limit its use, if possible. If your toddler isn’t already in the habit of carrying her comfort object with her everywhere, try to put limits on where it can go. Suggest that it can go in the car, but not into the supermarket. Or that it can be carried around the house, but not to the playground. Offer plausible reasons for the restrictions (it might get lost at the supermarket or dirty at the playground). Volunteer to “take care” of the blanket when she climbs on the jungle gym or holds a tea party at play group. With her help, find a special place where she can leave her blanket when she isn’t toting it. But don’t make a fuss if she won’t negotiate any limits; when the timing’s right for her, she’ll wean herself off her beloved blanket.

Wash the security object regularly. If you don’t, your toddler may become as attached to the gamy odor it develops as she is to the blanket itself; then even washing it will cause an uprising. Since separating a child from her security object can be difficult, you will probably have to launder it after your toddler’s gone to bed.

Duplicate it, if you can. Though a baby just starting out with a blanket might not notice (and probably wouldn’t object) if you cut the blanket into a couple of pieces (one for you to wash, one for her to cuddle), a toddler who’s clutched the same blanket for months is likely to both notice and object. Instead, try buying an identical blanket (if you can find one), washing it a few times so it won’t seem too new, and either offering it to your toddler as an extra (she may or may not accept it) or putting it away for emergency use (when, for example, the original blanket is nowhere to be found at bedtime). If the comfort object is a toy or stuffed animal, purchasing a duplicate can accomplish the same objective. If your toddler is only mildly attached to her blanket, however, you might just stick with the one. Should it get lost, she can shed a few tears and get on with her life without it.

Give her something else to do with her hands. Busy hands can’t hold onto a blanket or a teddy. Keep your toddler occupied with interesting playthings, arts-and-crafts projects, puzzles, and anything else that will divert her hands,
and her attention, from her comfort object, at least some of the time.