What to Expect the Toddler Years (43 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
Vary the ball.
A wide range of balls are suitable for toddlers, including beach balls, tennis balls, and small, medium, and large rubber balls. Avoid hard balls, balls small enough for your toddler to put in his mouth, and balls made of spongy material that he could take a bite out of. You can also indulge your toddler’s urge to throw by providing a bean bag, a ring toss set, or a Frisbee. Or make some paper airplanes for in-house flying.
Cry foul if it isn’t a ball.
Make it clear that some things are meant to be thrown (balls, bean bags, and so on) and others are not (toys, blocks, books, cups): “This is a ball—a ball is for throwing. This is a book. You don’t throw a book—a book is for reading.”
One strike, and he’s out.
The moment you see your toddler fling (or get ready to fling) an object that is off-limits for throwing, take it away from him. Explain in simple terms the potential consequences of random throwing (“If you throw that block, it can hit someone and give them a boo-boo,” or “If you throw that truck, it might break”). Even if a fierce protest ensues, hold your ground. Quickly supply your littlest leaguer with a more appropriate object to throw, or if that doesn’t satisfy, try to distract him with an entirely different activity.
Anyone—whether two or thirty-two—may occasionally feel the urge to throw something out of frustration or anger. But although most adults can check such volatile emotions or express them in a way that isn’t dangerous or hurtful, most toddlers, not surprisingly, haven’t yet learned how to do this. If your toddler’s throwing seems more triggered by anger or other feelings than by an interest in sports, try to help him deal with these emotions in more acceptable ways (see page 171). You may not only stop the unwanted behavior, but teach him coping mechanisms that can serve him well all his life.
LINGINESS DURING PLAY GROUP
“The other kids in my son’s play group seem happy to go off on their own. Mine clings to me the whole two hours.”
The grass often does seem greener on the other side of the play group—one toddler seems so much more socially adept, another seems so much more verbal, yet another seems so much better behaved. But although comparisons to other people’s kids may be irresistible, they really aren’t fair. Toddlers are individuals, with distinct personalities and patterns of development. Your expectations should be based on your toddler’s temperament and stage of development, not on your observations of his playmates.
Keep in mind that a clingy toddler is no more destined to be a social misfit in adulthood than the gregarious toddler is guaranteed a booked-solid social calendar for life. At this tender age, some toddlers are not yet convinced that it’s their time to venture from the nest; they crave the warmth and security that dependency offers more than they lust for the freedom and autonomy that independence promises. Pushing the reticent fledgling into flight before he’s ready is likely to increase his clinginess. Instead, try more empathetic measures, such as those listed below, which, along with the gent lest of nudges, should get his wings flapping eventually.
Try him one-on-one.
If he’s had little social contact previously, the full-size play group may be overwhelming your toddler. So set up a series of play dates with individual members of the group. This will give him the chance to get to know the other children one at a time and to learn something about playing with them.
Encourage gradual integration.
As a first step, try sitting your toddler down near the other children with an appealing activity—a bucket of blocks, a stack of books, a workbench, or a shape-sorter. Get him started playing, then gradually work your way over to the other parents. If he chooses to follow, let him. But after a few minutes on your lap, cheerfully return him to the play area. Repeat this process several times during this and subsequent play sessions, until your child starts to feel secure enough to stay by himself for ten or fifteen minutes. Once he’s made it over that hurdle, he
may take the next step—joining the others—on his own. If he doesn’t, encourage him to get involved by sitting down with him and with one or two other children and showing him how it’s done. Make it look like so much fun that he can’t resist playing. Then, as he becomes occupied, step back again. Hopefully, with each passing play-group session, you’ll have to spend less time hand-holding.
SETTING UP A PLAY GROUP
Unless there was a convenient little boy or girl next door, toddlers of previous generations did most of their playing on their own or with family members. Interactions with children of the same age were usually pretty limited until a child started nursery school or kindergarten.
And then along came play groups, greatly widening the social horizons of small children, providing those in this generation of toddlers who aren’t in day care or preschool the opportunity for early group play experiences. In a play group, toddlers can practice their social skills while enjoying (or at least learning to enjoy) the company and camaraderie of other children. But play groups are as beneficial for parents as they are for toddlers. Swapping war stories, seeing and hearing that you’re not alone—that your toddler is not the only one who’s having a hard time sharing, not the only one who’s been hitting or biting, not the only one who’s been throwing tantrums, or not the only one who won’t eat anything but cereal—can be remarkably therapeutic. Exchanging ideas, insights, and tips on dealing with toddler eccentricities can enhance parenting effectiveness and confidence.
Although setting up and maintaining a play group isn’t child’s play, most parents who’ve participated in one feel it’s ultimately well worth the effort. In launching that effort, remember that there are no hard and fast play group rules; circumstances and the personalities of the toddlers and parents involved will dictate most of the details. But the following guidelines should help you get started:
Decide on the basic format.
In most play-groups for the very young, toddlers attend with a parent (or other caregiver), allowing adults to talk while children play. This format also permits parents to (hopefully) discipline their own child, making peace keeping (hopefully) less complicated. What it doesn’t allow is for parents to get some time off. If this is part of the objective, you might consider a co-op arrangement, which combines a play group situation with child care (see page 808).
Limit the number of players.
A group of six is probably the ideal—small enough to be accommodated in most homes and large enough to function even if one or two members are under the weather or out of town. Four or five can work well, too, but more than eight can lead to overcrowding, over-stimulation, and chaos (not enough toys to go around, not enough room in which to serve a snack). It may help to aim for an even number of members (though inevitably, there will be times when an odd number will show up) so that as children start playing one-on-one, there will be less of a possibility that a single toddler will be left out.
Look for a good match.
Temperament and interests may be tricky to harmonize, particularly since toddlers tend to fluctuate in those areas from day to day and week to week. But major disparities in development and skills can be avoided by aiming for not much more than three or four months between the oldest child and the youngest. Generally, groups that are all-boy, all-girl, or pretty evenly split between the sexes work better than groups in which one sex overwhelmingly outnumbers the other.
Match parents, too.
Parents in the group don’t have to start out as best friends (although they may end up that way), but all should be compatible, fairly well matched in personality and parenting style. Test the chemistry of potential play group parents by holding a few trial meetings to see how it goes. And only discuss setting up a group when the chemistry seems right. Likewise, if you’re joining an established group, attend a couple of sessions on a trial basis before committing to membership.
Decide where to meet.
Most groups rotate from home to home; others meet regularly in one place, such as a community center, a church, a synagogue. For a change of place, head for a park or playground in pleasant weather, or a child-friendly museum on a rainy day.
Decide when to meet.
Toddlers are generally jollier at certain times of the day than others. Pick a time when all particpants are relatively well rested (not just before nap time) and well fed (not right before mealtime, unless you plan to serve a sustaining snack). Avoid the very end of the day if parent and toddler stress levels tend to be high at that time. At first, plan to keep sessions short—an hour or so—so that the children can get acclimated to the group gradually. As they start becoming more comfortable, begin lengthening the sessions until you find the children’s outer limit for togetherness, probably about two hours.
Plan to meet regularly.
Once you’ve chosen a time that fits everyone’s schedule, stick to it religiously. Change the time only when absolutely necessary (a winter storm warning is in effect, for example, or three kids are down with the flu). If you start switching around (2 o’clock on Tuesday one week, 11 o’clock on Wednesday the next) or canceling casually (because one parent has a business meeting or another has social plans), the group could start losing steam. With irregular meetings (or irregular attendance at a play group that meets regularly), children could also lose some of the social momentum they’ve been building up and tentative ones could take much longer to feel comfortable separating from their parents and joining the play.
Set basic safety rules.
Most experts agree that it’s best to ban children when they are sick; for other suggestions, see
Chapter Twenty-One
.
Set etiquette rules.
Try to head off conflict and confusion by discussing and deciding on play group protocol in advance. For example: Who will clean up after each session (kids, host, everyone)? What kind of notice is required if a child won’t be attending group? What kinds of behavior will be considered off limits? Who will discipline the children and how quickly will they step in (see page 374 for recommendations)?
Set a toy policy.
The best toys to provide for the play group set are those that foster cooperation and/or can be easily shared—a bucket of blocks, a toy car and truck collection, a beach ball or other large ball, board books, a doll collection, a tea set, pretend food, arts and crafts materials (crayons, paper, toddler-safe clay and finger paints), dress up items, a sand box, a water table, and so on. Until the children are old enough to start taking turns, you may want to put away riding toys (unless you have enough to go around or everyone brings their own) and other one-of-a-kind items. The host parents should also consider putting away “special” toys that their child might not want to see others play with or that might easily be damaged. They may even want to keep their child’s room off limits, if there’s another place that’s practical for play. See page 267 for more on sharing.
Set a food policy.
Decide with the other parents what kinds of snacks will be served (for example, crackers, cheese, juice, fruit, milk) and what kinds of snacks will be avoided (for example, sugary cookies and cake, soda, candy).
Watch, don’t hover.
While toddlers need constant supervision for safety’s sake, too much parental hovering can stifle the growth of independence. If you want to have a group activity that requires parental participation at each session, balance it with a free play period that allows toddlers to learn how to have a good time on their own as parents watch from the sidelines. When disputes come up (and they will), give the children the chance to work out minor disagreements by themselves. But step in and mediate if they come to blows (or bites, or shoves).
Remain unruffled.
He’s tugging on your jeans? So what. He’s glued to your knee? Who cares! He’s hiding between your legs? No problem. Making it clear to your toddler that his participation in the social scene is no big deal (if he mingles, fine; if he clings, fine) will help him relax. If you’re having trouble staying cool, try reminding yourself that a play group is supposed to be fun, not torture, for you and your child.
Be accepting.
Don’t lead your toddler to believe that his social shortcomings leave you short on love for him. Be altogether tolerant and unconditionally compassionate. Let him know—through your body language, your facial expression, and your tone of voice—that your love isn’t dependent on his independence, that it won’t waver, whether he chooses to be the life of the play group or a fixture on your lap. That even if everyone else is nibbling cookies in the middle of the living-room floor, it’s okay for him to nibble at your knee.
Be supportive.
Offer your toddler more support, and he’ll ultimately need less. Stay close to your child as long as he seems to want you in the play area. He may feel more confident about participating and interacting when you’re there, and eventually feel ready to set off without you.
But don’t smother.
Remember that being there for your toddler when he needs you can mean backing off when he seems to be doing well on his own.
Keep in touch.
When your toddler manages to meander to the play area without you, don’t cut out into the kitchen for coffee; staying close will help your toddler stay comfortable. Continue to offer tangible support—an occasional pat on the head or word of praise (“That’s a great tower you built”)—and it will become clear to your toddler that becoming part of the play group doesn’t mean giving you up entirely. Being quick to give him a hug whenever he wanders your way may give him the confidence jump-start he needs to wander off on his own again.
Be patient.
It may take many months before your toddler feels ready to join the flock. Chances are that even if he was in full flight by the end of the last play group session, he’ll need some time to figure out how to get back in formation at the beginning of the next. Give him all the time he needs. This poky reentry may frustrate parents, but it’s perfectly normal for many toddlers.