What to Expect the Toddler Years (45 page)

Be certain she isn’t under excessive pressure. Pressure to achieve too much too soon, to be something she’s not, or to be independent before she’s ready can increase stress and a toddler’s need for the support of a security object.

Make sure she’s getting enough comfort from you. Sometimes frequent hugs or words of reassurance from a parent can give a toddler the sense of security she craves, lessening her need for a security object. (Some children, however, need all the comfort they can get—both from parents and from their transitional objects; that’s okay, too.)

Not all comfort objects are harmless. Toddlers who derive comfort from a bottle of juice or milk can end up with tooth decay (see page 27) or with diarrhea (from drinking too much juice, or from milk gone bad). If a child insists on carrying a security bottle around with her, fill it with plain water. Objects that present a choking or other safety risk (see page 628) can also be classified unsafe.

Problems may arise at day care or preschool if other children want to share your toddler’s special blanket or play with her special comfort toy, or if the facility she attends has a policy against children toting them around (many do). Try to head off such problems by persuading your toddler to “tuck” her blanket in at home or to “buckle” it into her stroller or car seat before she goes off to school (promise her that it will be waiting for her on her return, and make sure you keep that promise). If she won’t walk into her classroom without it, suggest that she leave it in her cubby (“so it’ll be safe”) during the day. If you still can’t elicit her cooperation, enlist the teacher’s help in devising a plan that will work.

It’s likely that your toddler will be ready to abandon her blanket, or any other comfort object she’s become attached to, somewhere between ages two and five, though she may reach for it again during times of stress and upheaval. In the meantime, as long as she’s happy and thriving, relax. If the comfort object becomes an obsession, however, and your child spends more time stroking and cuddling the blanket than playing with toys, looking at books, or socializing, you may need to look closely for underlying causes—for instance, an unhappy child-care situation, too much stress or pressure at home, or an undetected medical condition. If you can’t uncover and remedy the problem yourself, consult your toddler’s doctor.

“Our daughter sucks her thumb—usually when she is tired or upset. Is this okay?”

In a toddler’s early forays out of the cozy shelter of infancy and into the cold, cruel, and unfamiliar world that now beckons, it sometimes helps to bring a friend along for support. And whether that friend is an earless stuffed animal, a threadbare blanket, or a trusty thumb, it provides the security a toddler needs to explore the unknown. It also allows her to distance herself from her parents, while still hanging on to a familiar comfort.

Not surprisingly, the toddler craves the thumb most when her inner struggle between independence and dependence is at its most tumultuous, or as with all sources of comfort, when she’s tired, cranky, under the weather, or bored. Though many children abandon sucking their thumbs (or fists or fingers) before the end of the first year, many others continue to enjoy the comforting habit well beyond this time.

At this age thumb and finger sucking are normal, and in moderation, not harmful, so there’s no need to “do something” about them. In fact, parental pressure tends to increase and intensify the habit. If you’re worried about what other people will think, don’t be. First of all, the stigma of thumb sucking isn’t as great as it used to be. Well-informed parents today are more likely to consider it a normal comfort habit, and not a sign of emotional instability. Second of all, it matters not what others think—your attitude is the one that counts. Just politely disregard any cluck-clucks and tsk-tsks that come from the unenlightened.

Don’t worry, either, about thumb sucking interfering with normal development of the mouth and teeth. Most experts say that this shouldn’t be a problem, as long as the child isn’t sucking day in and day out and the habit is abandoned by age four, which in most cases it is. The redness and irritation that is a side effect of thumb sucking in some children isn’t a cause for concern, either.

As with most other comfort habits, thumb sucking usually begins to subside by age three. If thumb sucking is so pervasive that it interferes with your child’s learning to talk, with her eating, and with her using her hands for playing and learning, see below.

“Our toddler must be the world’s champion thumb sucker. He hardly ever has his thumb out of his mouth. Should we worry?”

Worry isn’t called for, but a little action probably is. Since
constant
thumb sucking, unlike
occasional
thumb sucking, can do some permanent damage to the mouth and teeth, you and your toddler will have to work together to see that his habit doesn’t wreak oral havoc.

You may be able to help your child cut down on the time he spends sucking his thumb by engaging him in activities that require the use of both hands (such as finger painting, riding a rocking horse or other riding toy, swinging on a swing, playing catch, kneading bread dough); by dressing him in mittens to go outdoors in cold weather; by doling out extra love and attention; and by being sure that he gets adequate rest and sleep.

If these don’t succeed, don’t nag or turn up the pressure, but do discuss the situation with your child’s pediatrician and, if he has one, his pediatric dentist. For tips on helping an older toddler break the thumb-sucking habit, see page 436.

“We didn’t have the heart to take away our son’s pacifier when he was an infant. Now he’s so attached to it we’re afraid he’ll never give it up.”

It’s a pretty sure bet that your son won’t have to pop the pacifier from his mouth in order to kiss the bride on his wedding day. Despite the secret fears harbored by parents of persistent pacifier users, almost all children abandon the beloved plug by age four or five, and most stop sucking well before.

Among experts, pacifier use (both short- and long-term) probably has about as many supporters as detractors. On the positive side, research has shown that the use of a pacifier is beneficial for premature newborns and for colicky babies. On the negative, it has been found that prolonged use of the pacifier appears to increase the risk of ear infections and may damage the structure of the mouth and the position of the teeth, sometimes causing speech problems and increasing the risk of accidental injury to front teeth. (It is, however, believed that if the habit is nipped early enough, any structural damage that has been done
will correct itself. Just what “early enough” means is a matter of debate; some experts say by the end of the second year, others the end of the fourth.) Beyond this, little research has been done on the effects of pacifier use, and the little that has been done hasn’t shed much light. As a result, most opinion is based on gut instinct.

Many questions about pacifier use remain unanswered. Does it encourage a need for oral gratification later in life (and thus the use of tobacco or other drugs), or does it reduce such a need? Does it inhibit the development of language or of sociability (smiling, for example)? Does using a pacifier to comfort or calm himself interfere with a toddler’s learning to self-comfort and self-calm? Until more research is done, you will have to decide for yourself when you want to pull the plug. Here are some factors to consider in making your decision:

Has pacifier use begun to affect your child’s mouth and teeth? This is most likely if your toddler uses the pacifier for lengthy periods every day. Check with a pediatric dentist for the answer. If it’s yes, you should consider terminating the pacifier in the near future no matter what your answers to the remaining questions.

Do you use the pacifier to keep your toddler quiet or off your back? Planting a pacifier in the mouth of a child who is upset inhibits self-expression, a valuable human resource. And consider how you would feel if someone shoved a rubber nipple into your mouth every time you opened it to speak your mind.

Does the pacifier seem to be hampering your toddler’s language development? Does he grunt and point when it’s in his mouth, instead of using words?

Does the pacifier seem to interfere with your toddler’s social development by hindering his interactions with others? (Keep in mind, however, that a young toddler’s social skills are naturally immature.)