What to Expect the Toddler Years (51 page)

The adult who mandated the timeout should be the one to enforce it, and to excuse the child when the time is up. Confusion could result if, for example, Mom my sends Junior to time-out and Grandpa releases him. Junior might conclude that Mommy really wanted him to stay in time-out permanently and/or that Grandpa was rescuing him because Grandpa thought he didn’t deserve time-out.

If you’re comfortable with the idea of time-out, by all means try it. Be aware, however, that some especially sensitive young children feel rejected or are inconsolably upset when banished to a corner. If that seems the case with your toddler, time-out may not be the best approach to disciplining him or her. The purpose of discipline is to teach good behavior, not to inflict hurtful punishment.

And be careful not to overuse timeouts or to let them become your only form of discipline. Reserve it for an infraction that truly warrants it.

Give fair warning.
When you catch your toddler in a mischievious act, or on
the verge of one, it’s legitimate to warn, “If you don’t stop by the time I count to three, I will . . .” Then, of course, you must keep your word—or your word won’t mean a thing. In situations that involve dangerous consequences—such as hitting, approaching a roaring fire in the fireplace, or banging on the window—it may be necessary to forgo the warning and intervene immediately.

Explain the sentence.
Even a young toddler can understand, albeit vaguely, that you’re confiscating the toy because he threw it at his sister; or that she’s being given a time-out because she was found tearing leaves off the ficus tree on the porch. Always offer an explanation when you discipline. Keep it simple, however, or the message will be lost.

Carry out the sentence immediately.
Toddlers have short memories and even shorter attention spans. Often, by the time you’ve finished a tirade or taken away a privilege, your toddler has forgotten the reason behind it. Depriving a toddler of dessert at dinner because of an infraction that occurred in the morning pretty much assures that there will be no link whatsoever in the toddler’s mind between the misdeed and its consequences.

Reprise the story.
After a sentence has been carried out, it’s a good idea to run briefly over the events that led to it. You can ask a verbal toddler, “Now, why did you need a time-out?” or “Why did I take away the ball?” though in most cases, until your toddler is older, you’ll have to answer the question yourself.

Forgive and forget.
Once your child has paid a fair penalty, life should return to normal. There should be no lingering resentment or lengthy lectures on your part; nor should you go overboard with affection and special privileges, which could transmit the message that you regret having disciplined your toddler.

Trying to teach manners to a toddler may sound about as pointless as trying to teach marketing to a German shepherd. After all, there’s about as good a chance of getting the toddler to say, “Please, may I be excused from the
table?” before darting back to the toy box as there is of getting the German shepherd to write a sales presentation.

But there is a difference—an important difference. Although even the cleverest of canines will never be capable of mastering marketing, toddlers who get a head start in etiquette have an excellent chance of growing up well-mannered.

It’s true, as those raised in more genteel times are so fond of reminding us, that children today are not, for the most part, well schooled in their P’s and Q’s. That’s probably because—in understandable backlash against the speak-when-you’re-spoken-to school of discipline—their parents have raised them in a relatively permissive say-what-you-like atmosphere.

But raising children to be self-centered self-expressionists isn’t much better than raising them to be courteous automatons, quick to say “please” and “thank you” but afraid to say what’s on their minds. Children need to learn how to stand up for their rights, and at the same time, learn to consider and respect the feelings and rights of others.

Fortunately, you can have your cake and eat it politely, too (though it may be a while before your toddler can manage this). It is possible to raise mannerly children without subjecting them to the repression of decades past. Start your toddler on the road to civility now, with the following tips:

Lay the right foundation.
Good manners aren’t just a matter of being versed in your “please’s” and “thank-you’s,” knowing when to sit and when to stand, and which utensil to use with which course. The underlying principle of good manners is consideration toward others; in other words, saying “please” and “thank you” should mean that you care, not that you’re simply well-bred. So to raise an authentically well-mannered child, you need to teach the “why” of etiquette along with the “how.” The objective: to teach manners that come from the heart (you give up your seat to the elderly man on the bus because he needs to sit more than you do), rather than from the book (you give up your seat because that’s what you’re supposed to do). The fact is that a child who’s raised to be kind can’t help growing up to be courteous.

Set an exemplary example.
The best way to teach manners to your toddler is to display them yourself. So say “thank you” to the toll-taker on the highway; say “please” to the woman behind the deli counter, say “excuse me” when you bump into another shopper in a crowded store; eat with a napkin on your lap and chew with your mouth closed, and ask that the pepper be passed to you rather than reaching across someone’s plate for it. But probably most important of all, remember to use your P’s and Q’s when dealing with your toddler. Say “please” when you’ve asked your toddler to come to the table. Say “thank you” when your toddler picks up a book as asked, and say “I’m sorry” when you’ve accidentally knocked over a block project. To teach respect and consideration, respect and consider your toddler’s feelings at all times.

Set an exemplary table.
A toddler can’t possibly learn how to use a napkin if one never finds its way onto the table at mealtime, or a fork if you never provide one. Taking the time (it takes very little) to set the table neatly with the proper utensils and napkins, says a mouthful to your toddler about mealtime decorum. Even if your toddler eats like a barbarian now, consistent exposure to civilized eating conditions will eventually instill an appreciation for them.

Speak for your toddler.
Toddlers don’t know enough to say “good-bye” to Grandpa or “thanks for coming” to a
visitor or “thanks for having me” to the host of a play group. So it’s up to you to say it for them. Hearing you repeat the “magic words” over and over in social situations at home and away from home will teach your toddler much more about common courtesy than any amount of nagging. Being always prodded with “Now what do you say?” can be annoying and humiliating to a toddler—and can make him or her even more reluctant to say what’s expected. Occasional reminders are fine, but wait until you’re in private.

Keep the pressure off.
Children who are nagged about their manners or are punished for not saying “thank you” or for not using a fork may learn manners more quickly, or if they are the obstinate sort, may reject them completely. Either way, they won’t feel positive about manners and are likely to ignore them completely whenever they are out from under the eye of the enforcing parent.

But keep the campaign on.
Pressure isn’t appropriate, but reminders are. When you’re alone and your toddler forgets to say “please,” ask “What’s the magic word?” When he or she omits a “thank you,” try, “Did you forget something?” If you get the appropriate response, fine. If not, fill in the blank for your child. You’ve at least made clear you think it’s important. Again, wage your campaign with a light touch: “What’s this? What do we do with a spoon? Wave it in the air? Wear it as a hat?” Challenge rather than chide: “I bet you’re not strong enough to pick your chicken up with a fork.”

Listen to your toddler.
Children who are listened to make better listeners—and being a good listener is an important part of being a polite (and considerate) person.

Have age-appropriate expectations.
Mabel, Mabel may have been able to keep her elbows off the table, but most toddlers are not. Nor are they able to keep their fingers out of the mashed potatoes, their hands out of their cereal, their napkins on their laps, or their juice in their cups. Getting into food is part of the fun of eating when you’re a toddler. Messy eating may not become them, but it is them—and it will be with them for some time to come. The same goes for all of the social graces. From remembering to say “thank you” to being willing to share, it will take many years of etiquette exposure (and as many years of reminders) before your child matures into polite company. But if you persevere, one day you will be pleasantly suprised when someone remarks, “My, your child has such good manners.”

By the end of this month,
*
your toddler
. . . should be able to (see Note):

use 3 words

point to a desired object

Note:
If your toddler has not reached these milestones or doesn’t use symbolic play and words, consult the doctor or nurse-practitioner. This rate of development may well be normal for your child (some children are late bloomers), but it needs to be evaluated. Also check with the doctor if your toddler seems out-of-control or hyperactive; uncommunicative, passive, or withdrawn; highly negative, demanding, and stubborn. (Remember, the child who was born prematurely often lags behind others of the same chronological age. This developmental gap progressively narrows, and generally disappears entirely around age two.)

. . . will probably be able to:

run

use a spoon/fork but not exclusively