What to Expect the Toddler Years (54 page)

Don’t blow a fuse
. Understand that your toddler’s constant need for attention, though frustrating at times, deserves empathy and not anger. Reacting with rage will only compound your child’s need for security and intensify the very behavior that’s annoying you.

Cut the cord.
A portable, cordless phone allows you to move with your toddler as you chat, and allows him to feel less cut off. Granted, it’s hard to concentrate on a conversation when you’re being whisked from the blocks to the trucks, but that’s better than no conversation at all.

Time your conversations
. Keep an egg timer by the phone, and turn it over when you begin your conversation. Explain to your toddler that when all the sand goes through to the other side, it will be time for you to hang up. Let him hold the timer: Watching the sand sifting through might absorb him and also give your toddler some feeling of control over the situation. Naturally, if you don’t hang up as promised, this technique will lose its effectiveness.

Put him on the line
. Invite your toddler to participate in your conversations when the caller is a close friend or family member, to help make him more comfortable with (and friendly toward) the telephone. You can do this by handing him the receiver for a few minutes with a “Do you want to speak to Auntie Ann?” or by using a speaker phone, if you have one. Be aware, however, that hearing a disembodied voice on the phone may spook or confuse your toddler, and he may not know how to respond. If he pushes the phone away, in effect saying, “No, you talk,” don’t press the issue. You may have bought yourself a few extra minutes of talking time.

Add another line
. Having his own play phone may also make a toddler less hostile to the instrument. Buy a toy phone or let him use a real one that’s not in use anymore (but be sure to remove both cords and store them out of reach; they can pose a safety hazard). Reserve this toy ploy for when you’re on the phone, so that it doesn’t lose its novelty. When you’re making a call, hand him
his
receiver and suggest that he call someone special—Grandpa, his cousin, someone in his play group, or a favorite storybook or television character. When you’re answering your phone, “answer” his first and hand the receiver to him with, “It’s a telephone call for you.” It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t speak many words yet—carrying on a one-sided garbled conversation may keep him happily occupied, for at least a few minutes.

Try a “telephone book.”
Or a telephone jack-in-the-box. Or any one of a number of specially stashed distractions, kept out of sight and brought out only when you are called to the phone. Of course, you should avoid in this stash any toys that frustrate your toddler or that require your help.

Keep in touch.
Maintaining physical contact with your toddler while you speak may take some of the edge off his phone envy. Let him know you’re still there for him, even though you’re talking to someone else. Rub his arm or shoulder, cuddle him, bounce him on your lap, hold his hand, or stack blocks with him.

Screen your calls
. If your phone rings a lot, your conversations are bound to cut into your time with your toddler, and he’s bound to resent it—possibly rightly so. Use an answering machine to screen your calls when you and your toddler are involved in a game or engrossed in a book. Only take calls that you feel are urgent to make him feel that you value his company over the telephone’s intrusions; it may make him more tolerant of the calls you do take. If you don’t have an answering machine or don’t feel comfortable screening calls, just tell callers you’ll call them back later—when your toddler is sleeping or occupied by himself. In the long run, if your toddler recognizes that you respect your time with him and don’t break into it thoughtlessly, he will gradually come to respect your right to have your time with others unbroken, too.

Call in the positive reinforcements
. Ultimately, of course, your goal is to get your toddler to recognize that you have a right to talk on the phone—if only for a little while at a time. With that in mind, express your appreciation whenever he allows you to complete a call, even if those occasions are rare. Add to this positive reinforcement by giving him extra attention after such a call and by making a big deal out of it: “That was very good. You let me talk on the phone. Now we can do something special together.”

“Whenever we have visitors, whether it’s friends, relatives, the plumber, or the meter-reader, our daughter won’t let us talk to them.”

Most toddlers not only demand center stage but also prefer that the rest of the stage be empty. When another character makes a guest appearance—particularly when that appearance doesn’t involve her—the prima donna in your child is liable to speak up, loud and clear.

When a visitor arrives at your home—whether it’s a friend or relative with whom you’d like to sit down and chat or a repair person or meter-reader
you have to show around—your toddler may resent the intrusion largely because it takes the spotlight off her. So, just as when you’re on the phone, she’ll do everything she can to try and keep your attention: affix herself to your leg and turn the whine on, crawl all over your lap and pull on your hair, tug on your shirt and whimper, even clamp her hand over your mouth or try to turn your head in her direction.

At this age, when a toddler’s own wants and needs are the only wants and needs that matter to her, it’s particularly difficult to teach her to respect the wants and needs of others. But though it’s a lesson that may take years to learn, it’s important to begin the lesson now. With a lot of patience, understanding, careful choreography—and the following tips—your toddler and your visitors may come to share the stage successfully, at least sometimes:

Do unto your toddler
. . .
If you expect your child to learn to respect your time with others, you have to respect your toddler’s time with you. Don’t, if you can help it, interrupt play time with her to take care of a chore you can just as easily attend to when she’s independently occupied or asleep. When duties that can’t be put off call, try involving your toddler in them (take a bath together while you wash your hair, let her stack cans on the kitchen floor while you start dinner, have her doodle in her notebook while you prepare a budget in yours. If a friend drops by while you and your child are at play, let the friend know she will have to wait to have your undivided attention until you’re finished playing; then turn back to your toddler for five minutes or so. Or, invite your guest to join you and your toddler (assuming your toddler doesn’t object to another playmate).

Time the entrance.
If it’s feasible, arrange for your visitor to arrive during your toddler’s usual nap time. But be ready to open the door before the bell rings (or leave a note on the door asking the visitor to knock quietly, instead of ringing). And if you have a dog who announces arrivals, either put it out or head off the barking.

Don’t banish her backstage
. If she’s awake when a visitor arrives, give your little actress a supporting role in the production. Get her involved, if she’s comfortable being sociable, but don’t push her to interact with your visitors. Ask her to show her favorite book or doll to your friend. Take her along to “help” show the meter reader where the meter is. Let her watch the plumber open the pipes under the sink—at a safe distance, of course. If you’re expecting a special visitor, your child can help with preparations. Clean up the living room together, bake (or shop for) cookies, decorate with pictures in honor of the visit (her ego will get a boost when her artwork is admired).

Provide special props.
Set up a play area near where you’ll be entertaining; stock it with plenty of toys your toddler can enjoy on her own, such as blocks, ring stackers, shape sorters, a pile of picture books, and puzzles (if you don’t mind being interrupted once in a while to help her place a stubborn piece). If your toddler likes pretend play, making arrangements for her own tea party (complete with Raggedy Ann and Big Bird) can keep her out of yours. So can appointing her the official “cleaner upper”—equipped with a feather duster, a play broom, and an apron, she can busy herself as you talk.

Serve refreshments
. Even if you and your guest aren’t hungry, putting out a snack to share with your toddler may buy you some quiet time; it’s harder to whine with a full mouth. But make sure that refreshments are appropriate: Fruit-juice-sweetened
cookies, mini-muffins, and tiny crustless sandwiches cut in various shapes are ideal. (Be sure to avoid very messy foods or possible choking hazards.)

Break for intermissions
. There’s only so long you can realistically expect your toddler to keep herself amused. So if the visit’s lengthy, periodically excuse yourself from your company long enough to read your toddler a story or help her with the block tower that keeps collapsing. (But don’t break for an intermission when your toddler’s playing contentedly; wait until she seems to have exhausted her capacity for independent activity.) Make it clear what the limits of the intermission are before you begin (“Now I’m going to take a break and read you
Curious George
. When I’m done, I’ll go back to my friend and you can do a puzzle.”) When the intermission is over, set up your toddler with that puzzle or another activity before returning to your guest. Maintain contact between intermissions by taking the time once in a while to call a word or two of encouragement (“I bet you can make that tower even higher!”), praise (“That tea looks so yummy!”), or observation (“You’re reading the book about the zoo, aren’t you?”) over to your toddler as she plays. Make time for physical contact, too. If she’s playing at your feet, lean over frequently to squeeze her shoulder, rub her back, or pat her head.

Don’t let her hog the stage
. You have the right to entertain the occasional guest, or to spend a few minutes explaining a problem to the repair person. If you once let your toddler think that you’re willing to abdicate those rights in her favor, she won’t let you forget it. So when entertaining, be friendly but firm. Remove her hands from your mouth as many times as she puts them there, distract her, involve her, hold her, tickle her as you talk to the visitor—but don’t let her succeed in lowering the curtain on your show. Remember, you’re the director. If you let your temperamental little star take over completely, it will only set the stage for years of selfish behavior on her part and selfless denial on yours.

Know when to bring the curtain down yourself.
If you keep visits short, your toddler will tolerate them better.

Applaud and reward cooperation.
Even if your toddler was only marginally cooperative while company called (she whined just 75% of the time), reinforce that little bit of positive behavior instead of calling attention to that whole lot of negative behavior. (“I like the way you let me talk to Terry while she was visiting with me. Now you and I are going to do something special together.”) A trip to the park, an uninterrupted period of play with you, a collaborative art activity, are all good ways of letting your toddler know how much you appreciated her patience, and how much patience can pay off. Of course, if she did whine 100% of the time, skip the applause and reward.

“Up until last week, my daughter was a wonderful napper—she napped twice a day without fail. Now, all of a sudden, she refuses to go down in the morning.”

Could be your toddler’s sending you a message: It’s time to give up that morning nap. Most toddlers this age can, and do, get by with just an afternoon snooze. While
you
might still need her morning nap,
she
may not.

As with anyone getting used to a new sleeping schedule, your toddler may seem sleepy and cranky around the time that she has ordinarily napped. This
should pass when her body adjusts to the new schedule. Moving her lunch up to 11 or 11:30
A.M.
for a little while so that she can take her afternoon nap earlier should help. So should establishing a quiet period—when you can read to her or listen to music together—during the hours she previously napped.

“It takes me all afternoon to get my daughter to take her second nap. By the time she settles down it’s usually close to 5 o’clock. When she wakes up close to 8, she’s raring to go for hours, so we can’t manage a reasonable bedtime.”

Late naps are not generally popular with parents, for a couple of reasons. For one, late afternoon nappers often skip dinner (substituting a snack when they finally wake) or eat dinner so late that it fuels hours of energy when parents least appreciate it. For another, late afternoon nappers, as you’ve noticed, tend to be late-to-bedders; their stay-up-till-all-hours ways often leave parents with little evening time to themselves.

The steps you’ll need to take in order to adjust your toddler’s schedule—so that her nap and her bedtime fall at more convenient times—will depend on the kind of sleep pattern she’s fallen into:

Is this evening sleep her only nap? The average toddler at eighteen months needs about one-and-one-half to two hours of nap a day, but it should come earlier in the day so as not to interfere with her night’s rest. So try to get your toddler to nap earlier. Begin a calming pre-nap ritual ten or fifteen minutes earlier than she usually beds down in the afternoon. After a few days, when she seems accustomed to the earlier slot, move nap time back another fifteen minutes. Continue this process until she is napping at a reasonable hour. But wake her up after two hours; if she sleeps longer, she may still have trouble getting to sleep at bedtime.