What to Expect the Toddler Years (22 page)

walk well (by 13½ months)

. . . may possibly be able to:

use an object in imitation

say 3 words (by 13½ months)

. . . may even be able to:

build a tower of 2 cubes (by 13½ months)

use 6 words or more (by 13½ months)

run

walk up steps

follow a 2-step verbal command without gestures

“No matter what we tell him or ask him, our son has the same answer: ‘No!’ It was funny at the beginning, but now it’s straining our patience.”

“N
o” may not be every toddler’s first word, but for many toddlers it quickly becomes their favorite word. Much of this is a matter, at least at the start, of simple physiology: Enunciating the word “no” is easier than enunciating the word “yes,” shaking the head side to side is easier than moving it up and down. It may also have something to do with the fact that toddlers tend to hear the word “no” far more often than they hear its positive counterpart.

As time goes on, the explanation for toddler negativity shifts from physiology to psychology. Although now the toddler may be capable of saying “yes,” he’d much rather say “no”—not out of orneriness, but because that neat little expression of negativity allows him to demonstrate his newfound identity. Instead of being merely an extension of you, as he was in his baby days, he’s now his own little person. By repeating “no” over and over again, he’s flexing the muscles of his emerging independence, testing your authority and his autonomy. “No” becomes his declaration of independence, his emancipation proclamation. He’ll say “no” to your requests, “no” to your orders, “no” to your limits, “no” to just about anything you offer—sometimes even when it’s something he wants. And you won’t be the only object of your toddler’s negativity; playmates, baby-sitters, and siblings, too, will also be targets. In an effort to preserve his rights as a separate person, he’ll suddenly become possessive of his belongings. He will meet anyone who threatens to take them away with a resounding and unequivocally negative response.

Your toddler’s negative behavior is not a reflection on you (as a parent)
or your child (as a person). All children, usually beginning early in the second year (and occasionally even earlier), go through a negative phase. In some children, it’s short-lived and halfhearted; in others, petulance is more persistent. Either way, a toddler can’t control his compulsion to resist authority any more than he can control teething or growing. His testing of your authority is healthy and normal, a vital form of self-expression, an essential part of ego building, an important step on the road to personhood.

Knowing that a toddler’s negative behavior is healthy and normal, however, doesn’t necessarily make it easier to live with. A child who’s continually testing authority can sorely try his parents’ patience, particularly when he’s too young to be reasoned with. Fortunately, negativity is a stage and it does pass in time—the worst of it generally lasts no more than five or six months. By their second birthday, most children start to think and act more positively and cooperatively (though a few may continue to display a thread of rebelliousness in the fabric of their personality). Parents can then breathe a sigh of relief—at least until adolescence propels rebellion to the forefront once more. In the meantime, observing a few basic principles can help to make your toddler’s negative stage a little less negative for you:

Limit your “no’s.”
Children learn from example much more than they learn from admonitions. When parents who’ve been hearing nothing but “no” from their toddlers listen to themselves, they often hear “no” more often than “yes.” Your own use of negatives can easily put your toddler into a negative frame of mind—so think before you say “no.”

Limit his “no’s.”
If you don’t want to take “no” for an answer, phrase your questions carefully. Instead of “Do you want to put your sweater on?” or even, “Let’s put your sweater on,” offer a couple of options: “Do you want to wear the sweater with the hood or the sweater with the elephant on it?” Even a nonverbal toddler can point to his choice. Instead of, “Now it’s time to wash your hands for dinner,” try, “Do you want to wash your hands in the kitchen sink or the bathroom sink? Do you want to use the liquid soap or the bar soap?” Giving the toddler as much decision-making power as possible can help to make him feel that he has some control over his life, and thereby reduce his need to rebel.

But don’t offer a choice when there is none.
When the issue is non-negotiable, make that clear. Asking “Do you want to go home now?” when there’s no option but to go home now, is just asking for an insurrection. Better: “It’s time to go home.”

Don’t laugh at the “no’s.”
While it’s important to keep a sense of humor about your toddler’s negativism (and all his other trying behavior), it’s equally important not to laugh it off. As amusing as it might sometimes be to you, his negativity is not a laughing matter to him—it is, in fact, a serious one and one that deserves a respectfully serious response.

Don’t be bossy.
Being ordered around all the time would make anyone consider mutiny. Instead of commanding, “You have to get into your car seat,” try, “Now let’s get into your car seat.” Playing “dumb” and letting your toddler call the shots for you (“Okay, we’re in the car. Now what do we do?”) often works especially well. So does challenging your toddler (“Where’s your car seat?” Then, “Very good, that
is
your car seat.” Next, “Can you get into your seat?” And finally, “What a big boy!” with cheers and applause).

Don’t lose your cool.
Getting riled up when your toddler gets rebellious can only make matters worse. Since you’re the adult (which it isn’t always easy to be consistently), it’s up to you to keep the situation from getting overheated (see page 754). Don’t punish negativity, either. Respect your toddler’s right to say “no,” while explaining, when appropriate, that he’ll sometimes have to do what you say, even when he doesn’t want to.

Accentuate the positives.
You’ll find that reinforcing his positive behavior with words of praise improves a toddler’s conduct more effectively than punishing his negative behavior.