What to Expect the Toddler Years (23 page)

Avoid lose–lose situations.
There’s rarely a winner when wills come to blows, particularly when a toddler’s in the ring. Keep in mind that good parents don’t always wield their authority—sometimes they yield it. The more chances you give your child for self-determination, the less compelled he will feel to fight for his rights by saying “no.”

Be willing to lose occasionally.
It’s not all right for your toddler to say “no” when you try to buckle him into his car seat, for example, or when he has to take his vitamins, or when it’s time for bed. But there are occasions, when the stakes are low, on which you can meet your toddler’s “no” with an “okay.” Say you intended to make one more stop on the way home from a shopping trip, but as you pull into the dry-cleaners your toddler screeches, “No! Home!” If that stop can be postponed, you can say, “Okay, I know you’re tired. I’m tired, too. We can stop at the cleaners tomorrow. Let’s go home now.” Letting your toddler win sometimes will make losing sometimes less painful for him. But capitulate
before
the “no” deteriorates into a tantrum. Giving in to a tantrum is almost always a mistake (see page 339).

“I tend to be very relaxed about discipline but my husband feels that we should be setting limits for our toddler. I’m afraid she won’t feel loved if we do.”

Score one for Dad. Limits do not make a child feel unloved; they can actually make her feel more loved. Most children crave limits, though some naturally need more outside-imposed structure to govern their behavior than others. For toddlers, who are not yet able to set limits for themselves, knowing that their parents have done this for them brings a particularly comforting sense of security. Although they may not always—or even very often—abide by the rules (at least not willingly), fair and reasonable limits that let toddlers know what to expect and what is expected of them give them a sense of security during this turbulent period of development. Children who learn to live with rules now tend to be happier and better behaved later.

As your child gets older, it will become clearer to her that you’ve made rules because you care about your home, about other people, and especially about her. When you tell her she has to wear mittens and a hat because it’s freezing outside, she’ll know you don’t want her to be cold or to get sick. When you insist she go to bed at a certain hour, she’ll gradually come to realize you want her to feel rested and in good spirits when she gets up in the morning. When you insist that she put her toys away, she’ll begin to understand that you want to keep her belongings in good condition and want her to be able to play and live in nice surroundings.

Growing up in an atmosphere where there are limits and rules will do more than make your toddler feel secure and loved. It also will make her more lovable. Children raised in a completely
permissive atmosphere—where every-one’s allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want—are not generally very popular outside the home.

Of course, too many limits can have just as negative an effect on a young child as too few. If you make so many rules that your home becomes a police state, your toddler will learn either to ignore the rules (because they are more than she can handle), rebel (because they squelch her natural drive for independence), or knuckle under and become lethargic (like a disheartened citizen in a police state). Children who are rigidly disciplined at home often lack self-discipline whenever they’re out from under their parents’ watchful eyes. Those who are never allowed to make choices of their own may grow into adults incapable of making wise choices.

Limits must also be reasonable, as fair as they are firm. Rules that are arbitrary (“You can’t go out today because I say so”) or unreasonable (expecting a young toddler to put away her toys on her own every time, for example, or to always modulate her voice level in the house) will only spark further rebellion. And to be effective, of course, rules must be enforced (see page 121).

Just as laws vary from country to country, state to state, municipality to municipality, rules vary from family to family. Tailor limits to your individual family, so they’re comfortable both for parents and children. For more on finding the right balance between rules and freedom for your toddler, see Disciplining Your Toddler, page 119.

“My son says ‘no’ all the time to me, but when I say ‘no’ he completely ignores me or he giggles and does exactly what I’ve told him not to do.”

Toddlers love to give “no” for an answer, but they hate being on the receiving end. In their struggle for independence, parental “no’s” are a threat to their self-determination. To your toddler, obeying your “no’s” means admitting your authority. Instead of making that admission, he chooses to put your authority to the test.

While constant testing of authority is a normal part of toddler growth and development, it can be admittedly nerve-racking for parents, particularly as they strive to keep both toddler and home safe. Although complete compliance is but a parental pipe dream—not just in toddlerhood, but at any time in childhood—you can begin working toward it:

Know when to say “no”—and when not to. “No’s” have their place in parenting—especially in matters of health, safety, and sanity—but too many can be stifling to a small child, or, as you’ve noticed, prompt him to tune out. To make your “no’s” more effective, use them only when you need to. Avoid “no” overload without squelching your toddler’s exploratory instincts by eliminating as many potential points of conflict from his environment as possible. Make your house safe for your toddler and your toddler safe in your house (see page 620)—put a latch on the bathroom door, put away your fine breakables, put the CD player on a higher shelf—and you’ll have fewer reasons to say “no.”

By leaving a few “off-limits” items within your toddler’s reach—ones that won’t suffer too terribly under his not-too-gentle touch—you can begin teaching him the fine art of self-control. When he heads for these temptations, take the opportunity to explain, “That’s Daddy’s; it’s not for you to play with.” Offer him
a substitute, “Here, this duck is yours. You can play with this.” Occasionally, let him get his hands on something that is off-limits, under your supervision: “You can’t play with my music box alone, but we can do it together” (see page 240).

Don’t anticipate. Even if he’s headed directly that way, wait until your toddler touches the DVD player before you tell him, “No touching the DVD!” First of all, anticipating his misdeeds will only fuel them; second of all, everyone, even a toddler, deserves to be trusted until he fails to live up to that trust. Of course, if he’s headed toward something that he doesn’t know is off-limits or that represents a danger, stop him up front.

Take a positive position. Being positive can achieve positive results more consistently than being negative. For example, “Please stay on the sidewalk” is more likely to elicit compliance than “Don’t walk in the mud.” And “Try to use the crayon on the paper” will work better than “Don’t draw on the table.”

When you do say “no,” mean it. If you distractedly say “Don’t eat the dog food” when your toddler starts sniffing around the dog bowl, but then turn your back as he dives in, he’s even less likely to pay attention to your “no” next time. If you say “no,” be ready to follow through with action—whether that means removing the dog bowl, or removing or distracting your toddler. Also, suppress that urge to laugh at your toddler’s Dennis the Menace antics, as adorable as they may be; for your toddler to take your “no’s” seriously, you’ve got to show that you do, too.

Say “no” calmly. Anger or pleading will give your toddler the feeling that he has the upper hand (“If Daddy is getting this upset, I must be in control of the situation”). A firm “no” gives your authority much more credibility.

Explain your requests and rules. Knowing why rules exist makes them easier to follow. And even at a fairly young age, children can begin to understand that there are reasons for rules. Whenever possible, give your child a rationale: “Wash your hands first so you won’t get sand on your cheese stick.” “You can’t touch the radiator because it’s hot and you can get burned.” “Don’t pull the dog’s tail; it hurts the doggy and she might bite you.” But
keep it simple
; a toddler will tune out long-winded, overly complex explanations.