What to Expect the Toddler Years (191 page)

A physical problem. Though such problems are very rare, it’s wise to be on the lookout for signs that point to the possibility of one: The child who is always a little wet (a sign that urine may
be leaking), wets when laughing (a sign of “giggle incontinence”), or has a weak urine stream, painful urination, or blood in the urine should be seen by the doctor.

Often, dealing with these causes of accidents (reassuring a stressed child, gently “reminding” a preoccupied one, seeing to it that a tired one gets more rest, treating an infection, and so on) will put toilet learning back on the fast track.

When a toddler two-and-one-half or older shows all the signs of readiness but, after several months of parental effort, still refuses to cooperate in toileting, a parent may feel like it’s time to get tough. But, actually, it’s much better—at least in the long run—to let up and:

Turn it over.
Give your child full responsibility for toilet learning. Explain, “It’s your BM and your urine, and you can make them on the potty when you want to. If there’s anything I can do to help you, just ask me.”

Present choices.
Diapers or training pants, potty or big toilet, now or later. And keep your own opinions to yourself.

Stop reminding.
As long as your toddler knows the routine, you needn’t say a word about it. Anything you do say is bound to be held against you—and to delay potty learning even further.

Don’t talk about it.
Make potty learning a nonissue for a while—don’t discuss it with your child or in your child’s presence.

Sweeten the “pot.”
Casually (as though it doesn’t matter whether your toddler accepts the challenge or not) offer an incentive for success at the potty. If your child chooses stickers on a calendar, he or she can even chart the toileting “successes” of other family members so it seems like everyone’s in it together. Of course, if your toddler demands the stickers or the present even when they haven’t been earned, or gets extremely upset when a reward isn’t forthcoming, you’ll have to shelve this strategy.

Enlist help.
Often, a few words from a neutral authority figure, such as a nurse, doctor, or preschool teacher, are more effective than a thousand from a parent.

Give it time.
Eventually your toddler will decide it’s time to give up diapers. Stop pushing for that time to come, and it will.

“We’re about to begin the toileting process with our daughter. Should we switch to training pants right away, or wait a while?”

Unless your toddler has put in a request for panties, it’s probably better not to push training pants just yet. Since accidents are the rule rather than the exception in the early days of the learning process, putting your toddler in training pants before she’s experienced some successes may be asking for failure. Accidents in training pants may be uncomfortable and embarrassing for your toddler and may prompt her to abruptly reject both the training pants and the potty-learning process. Switching to training pants too soon will also make a lot of extra housework—cleaning up after accidents not contained by the underwear and then washing the underwear itself. Instead, until your toddler has met with at least some successes, stick with diapers or—when she’s in a room where the floor is easily cleaned and impervious to staining, and when indoor temperatures permit—nothing at all covering her bottom.

If, however, your toddler has seen underpants on a friend or a sibling (or on you) and covets them, don’t put her off. Toileting is much more likely to be successful if it’s self-motivated; if your toddler is motivated by wearing underpants, by all means, let her wear them. As an alternative, you might try disposable pull-up training pants (see page 544).

Whenever you decide it’s time to switch from diapers to training pants, it’s best to bring them out on a quiet, low-stress day, when you won’t have to be leaving the house, and when you’ll be able to devote plenty of one-on-one time and attention to your toddler.

“Even though my son just started using the potty, he’s refusing to wear diapers at all—even when we go out he insists on training pants. But he still has lots of accidents, and I don’t want him to walk around wetting—or worse—wherever we go.”

Since toileting is almost always more successful if it’s the toddler’s idea
and
the toddler’s responsibility, making yours wear diapers when he’s decided it’s time to give them up might compromise that success. If he’s determined to make toileting work, you should be determined to support him—even if it means putting up with numerous accidents, at home and away.

Reduce the likelihood of accidents by having your toddler use the potty before leaving the house; by limiting prolonged outings, when possible; by being well-versed in the locations of toilet facilities wherever you go; by stashing an inflatable or regular potty chair in the car trunk (if your toddler is accustomed to a potty chair) or tucking a foldable potty seat in your tote bag (if your toddler is accustomed to using a seat on top of a regular toilet); by dressing your toddler in easy-off clothes; by watching your toddler carefully for signs of urinary urgency; and by suggesting a trip to the toilet at frequent intervals. Life during the early, unpredictable stages of potty learning will be less embarrassing,
and less stressful, if you avoid (as much as is practical) restaurants, stores, homes, and any other destinations where floors are covered with expensive carpeting or where the only seating is upholstered. When you can’t avoid such a destination, insist your toddler wear disposable training pants, just for the occasion.

Make accidents that do happen less traumatic by outfitting your toddler in extra-absorbent training pants (possibly with a disposable night liner, if your child will agree) and always toting along at least one complete change of clothing (including shoes and socks), a good supply of diaper wipes, and several absorbent paper towels (for wiping up the mess). And when your toddler wets or messes, even if it’s at an inopportune time and in an inopportune place, don’t scold, chide, or say I-told-you-so (“See, you should have worn a diaper!”). Just clean him up quickly and calmly, and hope for better luck next time.

Of course, if your toddler never makes it to the potty on time, makes no attempt to tell you he has to go, and seems oblivious to his excretory functions, tell him he will have to wear disposable training pants until he’s ready to go on the potty. This compromise may keep everyone happy.

“My daughter refuses to let me wipe her after she uses the potty. But she doesn’t do a very good job of it herself. What can I do?”

Fighting a power-hungry toddler for control of the toilet paper can only result in mutiny on the potty. Forced to submit to your wiping, your toddler might well decide to withhold her newly learned toileting skill altogether—in other words, if she can’t do it herself, it’s possible she’d rather not do it at all.