What to Expect the Toddler Years (76 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
Too little experience.
Able to grasp the concept of cause-and-effect, but without the experience to sort out the reasonable from the un-, the toddler is now able to ponder possible adverse effects that might seem preposterous to an adult. If a vacuum cleaner sucks up dust and dirt, could it also suck up me? If the dog next door nipped Daddy’s leg, won’t all dogs bite? If water goes down the bathtub drain, isn’t it possible that a person—especially a small one like me—could, too?
A sense of size differences.
Toddlers recognize how small they are compared to those around them. Picture walking down the street amid people two and three times your size, and you have some notion of why this size difference can engender fear.
Growing imagination.
As a vehicle that can transport a toddler at play from the dress-up corner to the high seas, or from the block area to a medieval castle, the imagination can be the source of boundless fun. But when it transports a toddler from the safety and security of his or her normally cozy bedroom to a monster’s lair or a witch’s castle, the imagination can be the source of boundless fear. As imagination grows, fears often do, too.
Expanding memory.
Babies usually forget a frightening or upsetting experience quickly. But toddlers, like elephants, can retain the memory of such events for a long while. Being scratched by a cat, going too high on a swing, falling down a flight of stairs can trigger a persistent fear of cats, swings, or stairs. Even fictional events can trigger fears: Sleeping Beauty pricking her finger, Dumbo’s mommy being locked up, Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma being gobbled up by the wolf.
WHAT’S THAT PITTER PATTER?
Older toddlers may notice that when they are frightened their hearts beat faster or that it’s a little more difficult to breathe. Explain to your toddler that these symptoms are okay—they just are how our bodies react to being scared. And show that taking a couple of deep breaths, thinking about something nice (like a favorite song), or climbing onto Mommy’s or Daddy’s lap for a hug may help.
Increasing mobility.
A toddler on the go is bound to encounter more fear-provoking situations—a meandering dog, a dangling spider, a lawn mower at work—than will a babe in arms.
Self-centeredness.
Toddlers are extremely egocentric—all toys belong to them, all attention must focus on them, all experiences happen to them. If a little boy in a book can be chased by a giant, they can be, too. If a little girl on TV can be stung by a bee, so can they. If a sibling can be very ill, so can they.
Suggestibility.
The emotions of others often rub off on toddlers; if a playmate or a sibling displays a fear of escalators or of monsters, they may become afraid, too. If parents are anxious, the toddler may feel insecure.
OPING WITH TODDLER FEARS
Toddler fears can not only make life miserable for all concerned, but if they get out of hand, they can be crippling to a child’s growth and development. To help your toddler deal with fears:
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Acknowledge that the fears are real. They may be irrational, but they are—like adult fears—real. Though ignoring many other kinds of unwanted behaviors may help to banish them, ignoring fear isn’t likely to help. In fact, pretending a fear doesn’t exist often intensifies it and/or makes it the basis of a lot of other fears (a fear of birds may grow into a fear of all animals; a fear of spiders may beget a fear of all insects).
. . . but don’t force your toddler to confront them head-on, either. A sink-or-swim approach is rarely effective when it comes to fears. Forcing a toddler who is afraid of dogs to pet the neighbor’s collie, dunking a toddler afraid of water in the swimming pool, or insisting that a toddler afraid of monsters check under the bed and in the closets for that nocturnal nemesis could turn a fear into a phobia. Admonishing, “be brave” or “don’t act like a baby” is also bad medicine. Instead, follow a fear-reduction program that combines sensitive support and understanding with gradual exposure (see page 210).
Recognize your toddler’s disadvantage in fighting fear. As adults, we can often get around our fears—we can avoid confronting a fear of flying by taking the train or a fear of heights by staying off escalators. Toddlers, less able to control
their environments, aren’t always able to keep their fears at bay.
FACING FEARS
Many fears are simply outgrown as the toddler matures into a more confident and worldly preschooler. But others persist throughout early childhood, and—if they’re not dealt with—sometimes into adulthood. Gently helping toddlers face what scares them is the best way to ensure that today’s fears won’t continue to hold them back tomorrow. Help your toddler work through fears with:
Illumination.
An older toddler might be reassured by a simple, rational explanation. For example, you may silence a fear of sirens by explaining that: “Fire trucks have to make a loud noise so cars and people will get out of the way and let them get to the fire in a hurry. It’s a good, loud noise.” For a younger toddler, who may not be able to grasp even a simple explanation, a demonstration may be the route to reassurance. For instance, a toddler who’s afraid of going down the drain with the bath water may feel better about bathing after a little display of what can and can’t go down drains (water and soap bubbles can, rubber duckies and children can’t). A toddler afraid of the vacuum may be relieved to see that though cracker crumbs can be vacuumed up, a toy truck, a block, and Mommy’s foot can’t be.
Indirect exposure.
A toddler who’s afraid of being flushed down the toilet may gain confidence from being read a storybook about a child who uses the toilet and lives to tell about it. A toddler who’s afraid of fire engines may benefit from looking at a picture book about firefighters or a visit to the fire house. A toddler who’s afraid of dogs may find four-footers less foreboding after seeing a placid movie about a girl and her dog. Toddlers who are afraid of a natural phenomenon, such as thunder, may become less fearful after being read a simple book that explains it. Avoid books, pictures, or movies, however, that might intensify a toddler’s fear. No amount of girl-dog bonding is going to soften a toddler’s reaction to a ferocious attack scene—even if it’s a bad guy who’s being attacked.
Exposure and desensitization at a distance.
Holding a toddler who’s afraid of the vacuum cleaner at the other end of the living room while Daddy vacuums or standing with a toddler who’s afraid of draining water at the doorway of the bathroom while the tub empties may help him or her face the fear at a safe distance. Similarly, it may help to let a dog-fearful toddler watch a playmate frolic with a neighbor’s dog, near enough to hear the giggles and see the glee, but far enough so that there’s no imminent threat.
Increased control with closer exposure.
Fear tends to make anyone at any age feel out-of-control. So helping your toddler to gain some measure of control over the feared object or situation may take the edge off the fear. For example, experimenting with turning a vacuum cleaner on and off may help the fearful toddler see that the control lies in the human hand, not the dust-sucker. Riding on the vacuum when it’s unplugged and silent may also be reassuring.
Set up a toddler who’s afraid of the dark or of monsters with a “prop” or two to increase his or her sense of power and control: a flashlight, a friendly night-light, a teddy-bear sentry under orders to chase away unwelcome visitors, a magic word that banishes night creatures, or a magic, monster-repelling potion of water in a spray bottle.
Ventilation.
We all feel better about our fears when we talk about them. Toddlers are no different. Ask your toddler to talk about his or her fears while you lend an understanding ear.
A sense of humor.
Though you should never make fun of a child’s fears, some of the techniques on page 173 for reducing tension and helping a child relax could in the end reduce fears.
WHEN LITTLE FEARS GET TOO BIG
Most of the fears (of strangers, of the dark, of dogs, of the bath) that toddlers experience in their second and third years gradually diminish, sometimes to be replaced by more sophisticated fears (such as fear of jails, police, wild animals). By age six fears are generally less prevalent.
If your child’s fears interfere with family life or with normal daily activity (he won’t leave the house for fear of seeing a dog; she hates to take a bath or wash her hands because of a fear of water), then it may be best to seek professional help.
Let your toddler know that everyone has fears. That even grown-ups like Mommy and Daddy are sometimes afraid. Tell an older child what you were afraid of when you were little and how you overcame the fears—endeavoring not to introduce new fears he or she hasn’t thought of yet. It always helps to know you’re not the only one.
. . . but try your best to control yours. If your toddler sees you take charge of your fears calmly, he or she may eventually learn to do likewise, based on your model. If, on the other hand, you jump three feet in the air every time you spy a spider, you’ll be showing your toddler how to let fear take charge.