What to Expect the Toddler Years (276 page)

Treat them equitably but not always the same, respecting differences just as you would in any siblings (see page 733). With identical twins, this may take some extra effort. While their similarities may be obvious, their differences may be less so. Look for what is unique about each child—one loves music, the other art; one is a champion jungle-gym climber, the other a super slider. Even if they’re good at some of the same things, try to find different aspects of a talent or skill in each child and nurture them.

Spend time alone with each child. Most parents with more than one child have some trouble finding the time to spend alone with each child, but parents of twins seem to have even more difficulty. And because so many twin siblings enjoy each other’s company (at least when they’re very young), making the effort almost seems unnecessary. But time alone with Mom or Dad (or both) is important for every child, and it is especially so for twins, who need help in recognizing that they are separate individuals. So make a point of making one-on-one time for each of your twins—whether it’s a regularly scheduled pizza lunch or a just-the-two-of-you story session.

Don’t necessarily opt for separate classes. Whether to put young twins into separate play groups, day-care classes, or preschool groups depends on the children. Most experts agree that separate classes are best for school-age twins—dividing them up motivates teachers and classmates (as well as the twins themselves) to view the duo as separate individuals. It also minimizes competition. But separating them too early can be traumatic; many—but not all—very young twins find it difficult to function without their “other half.” They draw strength from each other when they face a new situation as a team.

Don’t, however, discourage occasional separate activities if they’re requested, or separate friendships if they develop; a twin who makes a friend has a right to have a play date with that friend without her twin tagging along. As they get older and if they’re willing, occasionally expose them solo to new situations (a gymnastics class, for instance), so that they can begin to learn how to handle such situations on their own.

Beware of comparisons. Comparing children (“Tamara always puts her toys away, why can’t you?”)—whether twins or singletons—denies their individuality, damages their self-esteem, and fuels an unhealthy kind of competitiveness (see pages 732 and 747). The widely accepted myth—that when twins are identical, one is the good twin and the other the bad—is just that: a myth. Don’t let it color the way you treat your twins or allow it to become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Beware of other-sibling rivalry. If there are, now or in the future, other siblings on the family scene, be careful not to let the “twin syndrome” exclude them. Since so much attention is paid to twins—if not by the family, then by outsiders—other siblings (particularly older ones) often feel shortchanged or neglected. So take care to pay just as much attention to non-twin siblings. Also keep in mind that twins who are very close may unknowingly shut out a third sibling; though this isn’t the twins’ fault (they’re just doing what comes naturally), it can lead to feelings of insecurity for the odd sibling out. Counteract this with lots of parent-child one-on-one experiences and by providing many
opportunities for social interaction with others.

Get all the help you can. With two young children to keep an eye on, you are sure to be even more swamped than other parents of toddlers. So don’t be embarrassed to accept or even solicit help from friends, family, or casual acquaintances, and don’t feel guilty about it.

And when the double-parenting duty gets you down, remind yourself that twins usually turn out to be somewhat easier to care for than two singletons who are a year or two apart. Because they tend to be close, especially if they are identical (although there are exceptions), they often keep each other entertained; because they generally share a room, they’re not as likely to have sleep problems.

As the numbers of twins, triplets, and even quads and quints grow (largely thanks to the increase in older mothers and mothers taking fertility drugs), more attention is being given to their needs and the needs of their parents. A good source of information for parents of twins is
Twins Magazine,
www.TwinsMagazine.com
, (888) 558-9467.

“I love my daughter and I don’t regret my decision to become a single mother for a second. But I do worry that somehow she will suffer because she has only one parent.”

Children who are raised by a loving and attentive single parent can and do thrive, often doing as well as children in happy two-parent households.

But as with every type of family constellation, there’s an up and a down side to single parenting. On the up side, the single parent gets to do things her way (there’s no arguing over whether to let an infant cry it out, whether to send a toddler to preschool, whether to use time-outs for punishment); the single parent and her children tend to form stronger bonds than exist in a two-parent family; and the children tend to be more mature and independent at an earlier age. On the down side, there may be more financial hardships, more exhaustion, more isolation, less parental personal time, and, sometimes, more behavioral problems in the children. Child rearing also takes twice the effort.

When pondering the negatives, keep in mind that while society romanticizes the traditional nuclear family, no family is immune to problems. While more fathers share the load of child care and house care than ever before, there are still many married women who receive little help from their spouses.

Parenting a child on your own won’t be easy, but then, parenting a child
with
a partner isn’t always a piece of cake, either. Of course, you will have to put in extra time and effort to compensate for the absence of another adult in the home. But you
can
raise a happy and well-adjusted child. Doing the following will help:

Abandon the superparent/super-worker goal.
No parent can do it all (this is probably doubly true of parents who must do it alone) and no parent is perfect; struggling for “super” status when you’re only human just adds pressure you don’t need.

Accept a helping hand.
If it’s impossible to do it all, it’s next to impossible to do it without help. If you don’t get offers,
solicit
help from family and don’t wait until you’re at the breaking point before you turn to others; not just for your own sake, but for your child’s as well. Instead of worrying about “imposing,” consider that anyone who lends a hand will probably reap considerable pleasure out of doing so. To avoid wearing out your welcome, try when possible
to spread your requests among several different people, instead of calling on the same one or two all the time (unless a very willing grandparent or other close relative is available). And try to return the favors when you can—pick up a few things at the store for the neighbor who stays with your child for a couple of hours a week while you work out at the gym; offer to baby-sit occasionally for the parent who picks your child up when you’re late getting home from work; help your mother, who gives unstintingly of her time, with holiday preparations.

Especially important is finding one or two people who live very close by on whom you can call in an emergency—to pick up a prescription at midnight, stay with your child when you have a doctor’s appointment, or collect your child at day care when you’re stuck with a flat tire.

Take care of yourself.
You’ll need all the vigor you can muster to meet the challenges of single parenthood—and it’s important to your child that you stay healthy. So be sure you eat well, exercise at least three times a week (see page 771), get enough rest (a good night’s sleep is more important than a clean house), and see a doctor and dentist as necessary.

Unstress yourself.
Learn stress management techniques. You won’t be able to eliminate all the stress in your life, but you can learn better ways to handle it: prioritize (some things you’ll just have to let slide), organize (so you won’t slide further and further behind), and relax (a few minutes of meditation can renew you for hours). See page 770 for more on coping with stress.