What to Expect the Toddler Years (279 page)

Of course, if the child has been very close to both parents, each should try to see him every day or two at the beginning. And whatever plan you devise, if your child is beginning to show serious signs of stress, try to alter the plan until he seems more comfortable.

Stick to the old rules. Even in Dad’s new house, parental rules (about jumping on the bed, about feet on the sofa, about
playing ball in the house) should remain as consistent as possible. If you can’t agree on common standards, explain to your child that Daddy does things his way and you do things your way. In your house, you make the rules. In his house, he makes them. Not only is now not the time to change the rules, it’s also not the time to change the degree of discipline. Don’t suddenly crack down (because the separation has made you cranky and impatient) or slack off (because the separation has made you feel guilty).

Don’t let your toddler play one parent against the other. Once your child begins spending time with his father, “But Daddy (or Mommy) lets me!” is likely to be a frequent refrain. Don’t allow yourselves to be bullied. If you work out common standards (see above), your toddler won’t be able to play that game with either of you.

Ease the transition with a transitional object. Comfort from both of you is important, of course, during this transitional time—but you can’t be at your toddler’s side every minute. A comfort object, such as a special blanket, a teddy bear, or another toy, can stand in for you when you’re not around. The object can provide not only comfort but a constant as your toddler tries to get used to two having parents in two homes.

Expect hard times. Generally, the times when your toddler was accustomed to having both parents around—usually evenings and weekends—will be the hardest. Sleep disturbances and fears of going to sleep (“Will Mommy still be here when I wake up?”) or of the dark, common during any period of change, are not unusual, even in a child who used to sleep well, and particularly on changeover nights (from Mom’s to Dad’s or back again) or on the nights surrounding changeover nights. Be understanding and patient with your toddler. Continue offering lots of extra attention and love, especially at bedtime, but don’t make the mistake of offering your bed, which could set the stage for a hard-to-break habit as well as lead your toddler to believe he is taking his father’s place in your life. When he wakes quaking with fear in the middle of the night, stay with him for a while if you need to, providing quiet reassurance.

Separations from you may also be more difficult than usual. Your toddler may suddenly become afraid when you take your leave, whether at night, when you put him to sleep, or in the morning when you set out for work. Again, extra patience and understanding will help him feel more secure.

Regression—in the form of a lapse in toilet learning, a desire to return to the bottle or to be carried around all the time, and increased dependency—is also common. What this usually reflects is a subconscious wish to go back to the simpler, safer time of babyhood, the good old days. Respond to regression with understanding and reassurance rather than scolding; let it take its natural course and it’s not likely to last very long.

Expect more struggles, for a while. Many of toddlerhood’s most notorious characteristics may seem accentuated by the separation—you may well see an increase in temper tantrums, irrationality, negativity, aggression. Deal with each kind of behavior as you would at any time (see the passages on individual behaviors for tips), but with added empathy. Say, “I know you don’t like it that Daddy and I don’t live together anymore. I know it makes you mad and it makes you sad. It makes me sad that you’re sad, but it had to happen.” Encourage him to talk about how he feels, and give him plenty of safe opportunities to express his feelings nonverbally, too (see page 171).

Watch your tongue. It’s very normal to want to blame your spouse for what’s happened to your marriage, particularly
if the breakup was a messy one. But bitterness won’t help you and could hurt your toddler. Just because you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse doesn’t mean your toddler should love his dad any less. Don’t make disparaging remarks about your ex-husband or fight with him in front of your toddler. Your child shouldn’t feel that he must choose sides. Don’t burden your child, either, by making him a confidant, an informer, or a go-between; don’t ask him what his dad has been doing, or don’t ask him to give his father messages for you. And never ask your child to decide which parent to spend time with (“Who do you want to see today?”); that’s way too much emotional baggage for a young child to handle.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your toddler isn’t the only one who’ll have to adjust to the new family dynamics—you’ll feel the stress, too. Like anyone living with the stress of learning to be a single person
and
a single parent, you may well find yourself on an uneven emotional keel for a few months or even longer (you may even be angry at your child, wishing you didn’t have to be a single parent). Forgive yourself (rest assured that your toddler will forgive you, too) if you can’t always keep your cool, can’t always hold back the tears, are subject to irrational outbursts on occasion. Just be sure to apologize to your toddler after an explosion, and to give him a loving and gentle hug after you’ve collected yourself. But don’t be overly apologetic, histrionic, or emotional, since that might frighten him. (See page 751 for more on keeping your cool.)

“My husband just up and deserted me and our two-year-old daughter. She adores her dad and is devastated that he’s not around anymore.”

Though such abandonment is not that unusual, it
can
be devastating. With a lot of support, however, children who have been abandoned by one parent can recover and do well.

In a way, your child may be better off not seeing her father at all from now on than seeing him sporadically. Non-custodial parents tend to be detached at such isolated visits, and this lack of engagement seems to be worse for a child than total separation. What’s important now is for you to continue to develop a strong relationship with your child; the tips for single parents on page 788 may be particularly helpful.

No matter how angry you are at your husband (and you have every right to be), don’t burden your child with your feelings. Explain to her that Daddy wasn’t happy, that he went away, that you don’t know if he will be back. When she asks about him, or wants to talk about him, let her. Reminisce with her—without any editorial comment. If she’s angry or she’s sad, let her know that’s okay. If she fantasizes that he will return, don’t feed her fantasy, but don’t make fun of it, either. She may need the fantasy to cling to while she adjusts to the reality of his being gone.

Get professional help immediately if your child seems depressed, is always getting into trouble, isn’t sleeping or eating well, or is otherwise behaving in a way that worries you. Get support for yourself, too, if you seem to have trouble coping, adjusting, or functioning.

“My wife and I are divorced and she has custody of our toddler. Every time I pick our son up my ex and I have a fight. I’m beginning to think he may be better off if I don’t see him at all.”

Don’t underestimate your importance in your child’s life. And don’t desert him now, when things are already very rough for him. If you can’t manage civil exchanges with his mother, work out visitations so that you and she don’t have to see each other—for example, have another adult be the go-between, taking your child from her to you and back again. Years from now, you and your son will be glad you made the effort.