What to Expect the Toddler Years (281 page)

Because young children are so egocentric, they often worry that death will continue to strike their home—that “if Daddy died, then maybe Mommy will too, or even me.” Getting the facts (again, in simple language) about the illness that caused his father’s death may help keep him from worrying unnecessarily. You may also need to provide reassurance that you won’t leave him, that you’ll still be here to love him and take care of him, and that when you’re not at home, there will always be someone there to take care of him.

Children faced with such a substantial loss may exhibit signs of grief and distress over a brief mourning period or over a long period of time, continuously or in bursts. They often display many of the same behaviors children show following a divorce (another type of traumatic loss). Guilt, fear, regression, increased dependency, loss of appetite, sleep problems, behavior problems (acting out is particularly likely if the child isn’t getting enough attention after the death) are all common. There may also be excessive crying, as well as developmental delays and temporary loss of speech. For some children, anger at the dead parent is a major reaction: “Why did he leave me?” Or the anger may be aimed at the remaining parent: “Why did you let Daddy die?” Expect that the toughest times for your toddler will be the times when his father was most often around, for example, dinnertime, bedtime (especially if Daddy gave him his bath or read him stories), weekends.

Anyone who experiences a loss needs to mourn, including a young child. Let your toddler talk about his feelings and cry. Feel free to cry with him (you don’t have to keep your grief to yourself), if you feel like it, but try to avoid losing control in front of your child, which could frighten him. Talk to him about his father frequently and remember him together in positive ways, looking through photo albums, taking walks that he always enjoyed, baking his favorite cookies. Don’t try to speed your recoveries by removing all reminders of your husband from the house; these reminders (photos, a favorite chair, bowling trophies, and so on) may be painful at first, but eventually they’ll offer solace. Give your toddler some memorabilia of his own (a favorite hat of his father’s, a T-shirt he always wore, his wallet) to remember him by. Display a photo of his dad in his room, if he likes.

Mourning is important but it shouldn’t be all-consuming. Now more than ever, familiar rituals and routines will bring you and your toddler comfort. Try to maintain as much normalcy as possible in as many ways as you can (keep up play-group meetings, regular mealtimes, and bedtime rituals). Let him be a child; encourage him to play and enjoy himself instead of making him feel guilty for having fun (“Daddy just died, and all you can do is play!”). If he attends day care or preschool, don’t wait much more than a week before returning him there (being back in the swing of things will help his life feel more normal and help him feel better, too). If he doesn’t, and if you have to go back to work, see that he has the same caring caregiver most, if not all, of the time; if it’s at all possible, don’t rely on unfamiliar help, or different relatives or friends on different days. Continuity is always important for a young child, but especially so in the face of such major upheaval. If you’re at home but are too distraught to be an adequate caregiver, make sure someone else who loves your child is there to care for him and give you the support you need.

Your toddler will also feel more secure if you keep discipline predictable. House rules should stay pretty much the same as they were, though you may need to be particularly gentle and sensitive in enforcing them if your child seems emotionally vulnerable. If your child cries during the night or has a lot of trouble falling asleep (a common problem for children who’ve experienced a death in the family), go to him and comfort him. Stay with him as long as he needs you for now, but resist the temptation to bring him into your bed—even if you’re aching for the company. Letting him take his father’s place beside you in your bed may lead him to believe that he’s taking his father’s place in your life. (Also avoid saying things like “You’re the man in the family now, you need to take care of Mommy.”)

Allowed to grieve and to recover at their own pace, and given plenty of support and attention, children who’ve suffered the loss of a parent (or other close family member) usually do just fine. Studies show that problems are only likely to arise if the remaining parent doesn’t offset the loss by providing extra nurturing, or if she is so much in need of support herself that the child feels obliged to provide it, placing too heavy a burden on him. It is therefore essential, both for your sake and his, that you get the support you need from other sources. For some children, as well as for some bereaved spouses, a grief support group is extremely beneficial. If group situations make you feel uncomfortable, look to friends or relatives, your clergyperson, your doctor, or a counselor for one-onone therapy.

If your child seems unable to come to terms with the loss, and is depressed
or having serious behavior problems, don’t delay in seeking professional counseling.

“We had to put our cat, whom our daughter loved, to sleep yesterday. We haven’t told our daughter yet because we’re not sure how to talk to a two-year-old about death.”

First of all, skip the part about the animal being “put to sleep.” Though this term is commonly used, it can give rise to all kinds of terrifying ideas about sleep—especially when your toddler learns that the cat is never going to wake up. Instead explain by saying “The cat was very sick and is dead now.” Talk honestly, but on your toddler’s level, about death (see page 800). Let her react any way that feels right to her, encourage her to talk about her feelings if she wants to, and allow her to be sad. Reminisce about the cat together, looking through pictures, recalling cute behaviors (“Remember the way Whiskers used to climb on your tummy?”). Keep in mind, however, that your toddler may seem not to care one way or the other about the cat’s demise. This is a perfectly normal reaction in young children, who have difficulty comprehending the finality of death.

It’s possible, though, that your toddler may react to your cat’s death as she might to any abrupt and upsetting change in her life—with irritability, sleeping problems, and stepped-up temper tantrums. Be patient and understanding as she adjusts to the change, and if you feel that replacing the cat might help, do so. Having her help select the new pet will help her bond with it more quickly.

A very sensitive toddler may worry that if death can strike her cat, it can strike her, too, or someone else she cares about. If your toddler seems more fearful and clingy than usual after learning of the death, she may need extra reassurance from you for a while.

Nobody else can provide the love, the nurturing, the understanding of a parent; nobody else can take a parent’s place in a child’s heart. But whether it’s for a few hours a week or eight hours a day, there will be times when someone else will take your place, if not in your child’s heart, then at his or her side. And choosing the person (or people) who will care for your child at those times can be one of the most significant challenges of parenthood. The following chapter will help you meet that challenge, and find the best child-care situation (or pre school) to fill your family’s needs.

Alive-in nanny. A daily babysitter. An occasional sitter. Group day care. Home day care. Preschool. There are a variety of options open to parents, but deciding which one (or which combination) is right for you and your toddler requires some exploration. Before you begin to sift through the many options, you should consider several basic factors, including:

Your child’s needs.
A quiet toddler who tends to be shy in groups or a very young one who needs more individualized attention may fare better in a one-on-one situation, or at least in a day-care
or family-care setting where there is a low ratio of children to adults and where children are treated with sensitivity. On the other hand, a quiet child who has never spent much time around other children may come out of his or her shell in a supportive group situation. A secure, verbal child who socializes easily will probably be bored at home alone with a nanny and is just as likely to thrive in a group. Most toddlers, however, are relatively adaptable; as long as they’re being looked after by a caring person (or caring people), they’ll adjust to any type of child care.

Your needs.
You need to consider your schedule: Do you work? Are your hours irregular—some days until 4:30, some days until 7:30? Do you work different days every week, or work only mornings? Do you need a babysitter who is flexible and can come whenever you need help—and stay as long as necessary? What about a home day-care facility that will let you switch days and hours at short notice, or a preschool that provides before- and after-school care? If you don’t have a car or access to convenient public transit, then you also need to think about a caregiver who can come to your home, a car pool, or a group program that provides transportation. Location may also be important—a distant day-care program means spending extra hours in the car, hours better spent having fun with your child.

Financial issues.
Child care in this country does not come cheap. Often, child-care options are limited by what parents can afford. Generally, in-home care by a babysitter or nanny is the most expensive choice; family day care, subsidized day care, or cooperative babysitting are the most affordable choices. The generalizations may not hold true, however, if you have more than one child; one sitter who cares for two children at home may cost less than two day-care tuitions.

Figuring out what you and your toddler need and what you can afford is just the beginning in determining which child-care situation will work best for your family. Next, you’ll have to consider the various options available in your community:

What it’s like.
A nanny, a babysitter, or another child-care worker comes to your home and cares for your child, full-or part-time, or on a flexible schedule.

Advantages.
For your child, the comfort and consistency of familiar surroundings (a real plus for younger toddlers) and of one-on-one care from the same person each day; improved odds of more personal attention and a chance to form a close bond with the caregiver (though there are no guarantees: a child may, in fact, receive less attention in a one-onone situation from an uncaring nanny than in a crowded day-care setting with a staff of loving teachers); less time spent commuting (to and from day care or preschool); probably, fewer illnesses (since he or she is not regularly exposed to a large number of other children—and their germs); and the chance to stay home and rest when ill, rather than having to go back to day care prematurely. For you, fewer logistical complications (no worrying about pickups and dropoffs or taking time off from work when your child is sick); less hurried and harried mornings, maybe even the opportunity for reading a story or playing a game (the babysitter can dress and feed your pokey toddler after you leave); and possibly, some relief from household chores (depending on the situation and the job description, the babysitter may help with light cleaning, laundry, and/or marketing).

Disadvantages.
For your child, less opportunity to socialize (unless you or the caregiver makes an effort to arrange play dates or set up a play group); possibly, poorer quality care, if you can’t find or afford a qualified professional; and the risk of confusion and disappointment (perhaps even a sense of loss if a strong attachment has been formed) should the sitter leave suddenly. For you, the possibility of a potentially job-threatening crisis if the caregiver calls in sick, has transportation trouble, or suddenly quits and you have no back-up arrangement; loss of privacy, if you have a live-in nanny; possibly, added stress if you are uncomfortable having a stranger in your home round-the-clock; higher cost, especially if you hire a trained professional; and possibly, a sense that you have to compete with the caregiver for your child’s affections. If you choose a foreign
au pair
, you may find yourself in a bind—you or your child may not like the
au pair
but may be obligated to employ her until her term runs out, or she could get homesick and want to return to her country, leaving you in the lurch. If you do hire a foreign
au pair,
a support group of other
au pairs
may help her adjust.