What to Expect the Toddler Years (81 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
Most important in your daughter’s development of self-esteem will be the example set by her mother at home. A little girl who sees that her mother feels good about herself and commands the respect of others, whether she works outside the home or not, will likely grow up
feeling good about being female. (For more on sex roles, see page 369.)
IS IT TIME TO TAKE THEM OUT TO THE BALL GAME (OR A MOVIE, OR PLAY, OR CONCERT)?
Family movies, puppet shows, Chopin-for-children recitals, baseball diamonds, and basketball courts all beckon seductively. Older siblings and parents yearn for an occasional family outing. And there’s no doubt that many of these extracurricular activities can be beneficial to toddlers, too, broadening their experience and enriching their lives. If only they can get through them. But most toddlers can’t sit still for two minutes at a stretch; is it lunacy to even consider taking them anywhere they’ll be expected to sit still for two hours or more?
Toddlers being toddlers—predictable only in their unpredictability—there’s no telling how they’ll respond to or behave during any kind of spectator event, or predicting whether their response and behavior will be consistent from one event to the next. So basically, parents have to follow their instincts, take their chances, and hope for the best. But before you plunk down money for your tickets, it’s probably a good idea to mull over the following questions:
Is the event or performance likely to keep your toddler’s attention? In general, you probably have a pretty good idea of what kinds of entertainment your child finds amusing. Animated films are more likely to fit that bill than are standard films; puppet shows, musicals, and plays featuring actors in splashy costumes are more liable to engage than a serious drama. Even if your toddler can’t yet follow the story line, he or she may be captivated by vibrant colors, engaging characters, eye-catching sets, and lively music. While some children’s concerts feature lyrics and sound effects that can involve a toddler, others are geared more to schoolchildren; call before booking seats to determine if a particular program is appropriate for a toddler. Virtually any circus performance will hold your toddler spellbound for a while, but the magic is likely to wear off long before the ringmaster says good night, so be prepared for an early departure. Fast-paced sporting events may keep some toddlers on the edge of their seats, but may have others off their seats and down the aisle before the first play is called.
Is the event or performance likely to frighten your toddler? Some toddlers may
delight in cartoon witches and in whales that gulp little wooden puppet-boys, but others may be terrified by them. Still others may be delighted one day and terrified the next. Some toddlers may revel in being ringside with elephants and clowns; others may be reduced to tears by the experience. Some toddlers are enchanted by puppets and people in character costumes, others are confused and upset by them. Some toddlers clap and cheer along with a roaring crowd, others wail with fright right over the roar. Based on speculation or past experience, try to imagine how your toddler might react to the event or performance you’re thinking about attending—and then, of course, be prepared to be proven entirely wrong.
How long is the event or performance? Clearly, the shorter the program, the better. Scheduled breaks (such as intermissions and half-times) can help break longer programs up into bites your toddler is more likely to be able to swallow, while giving him or her a chance to run off some energy between sittings.
Is sitting through the entire event important to you, or to any older children? If it is, get a sitter to care for your toddler at home, or bring someone along who won’t care about missing part of the program and will be willing to take your toddler out if necessary.
Will you have an easy way out? When selecting your seat, accessibility to an exit should be a prime consideration, and sometimes that means sitting near the back and on the aisle. Of course, if having a good view will be vital to your toddler’s enjoyment (as it is at a circus or a puppet show), you may have to sit closer to the front, but again on the aisle.
Is there somewhere to wait it out? Be sure there is a lobby, grassy area out front, nearby park, a gift shop, a refreshment stand, or some other neutral, child-friendly area where you, another family member, or a sitter can retreat with your toddler.
Is the gamble worth the expense? Unless money is no object, it’s usually unwise to bet on your toddler sitting through a very costly program. You may have to leave early or spend much of the performance in the lobby or outside.
As you should anytime you leave the house with a toddler, come prepared with: a good supply of snacks, books, and quiet toys for strategically timed use; an appreciation of your child’s normal, age-appropriate limitations; and your sense of humor.
UNS AND OTHER WAR TOYS
“The idea of our son playing with guns makes us cringe. But a lot of his playmates already play with war toys; it’s getting harder and harder to keep him away from such toys and the violent play that goes along with them.”
Little boys have probably emulated men of war ever since there were men and war. But many of today’s parents are eager to raise peaceful doves rather than warring hawks. To them, the notion of weaning their sons from rattles to rifles is offensive, most particularly when these parents survey the frighteningly sophisticated war-toy selection available. The “wholesome” toy soldiers and Davy Crockett ensembles of childhoods past have given way to death-ray toting robots and perfect replicas of machine guns—making shopping at a toy store reminiscent of shopping at the Pentagon, except that you don’t need security clearance.
Where a little boy’s natural instincts leave off and society’s influences take over is controversial and almost impossible to document. Anyone who has seen a two-year-old male raised by peace-loving parents, sheltered from war toys, violent cartoons, and the evening news, pick up a stick, a broom, or a hairbrush and proceed to wield it as a weapon, has to wonder whether nurture—and the best pacifist intentions—can completely subdue nature.
Studies are clear about one thing, however. Though parents can rarely prevent their offspring from playing cops and robbers, soldier, and other shoot-’em-up games, they can almost always prevent them from growing into violent adults. With that in mind:
Remember, war is history.
You can’t shield your child from the fact that wars exist—they’re etched in the pages of virtually every history book he’ll ever read. But though you can’t take the war out of history, you can take the glory out of war. If your toddler seems fascinated with soldiers and fighting, expose him to some history (of the American Revolution, the Civil War, World War II)
at a young child’s level—avoiding gruesome pictures and descriptions. Explain that war is not a game, real people get hurt when countries choose fighting it out over working it out.
MAKING ROUTINES ROUTINE
Routine. For many adults, the word summons up only negative associations: “predictable,” “boring,” “monotonous,” “same-old same-old.” Yet for most small children, routines are eagerly anticipated, promising comfort, not tedium. Knowing what they can expect at various times during their day can make children feel more secure and in control. Particularly during the tumultuous toddler years, routines often represent the only calm in life’s storm.
Parents, too, can benefit from making routines routine. Routines can help toddlers accept transition more readily, reducing the likelihood of resistance as they switch gears—from story time to lunch, from playground to home, from blocks to bedtime. They also eliminate a lot of time-consuming planning (once a routine is established, you no longer have to give it a second thought), cut down on last-minute panics, and generally make frenetic days run more smoothly.
Routine doesn’t work for everyone, and can actually upset children who are by nature “irregular” (see page 202); they can stress some free-spirited families by cramping their spontaneous style. Nor do the same routines work for every family. But most families with small children find that
some
routine in their chaotic schedules—whether a single weekly routine or several daily rituals—makes sense.
Bedtime routines.
These set the tone for a happy close to a toddler’s day. For tips on how to create such a routine, see page 68.
Good-morning routines.
Start the day off right—with a cozy cuddle first thing in the morning. Set an earliest hour limit—when it’s light outside, when the clock-radio goes on, or once your child begins recognizing some numbers, when the clock says 6 or 7—so that your child won’t start awakening in the middle of the night ready to cuddle. Or start off with a special greeting—a kiss, a hug, and a favorite song (live or on tape), for example.
Off-to-work routines.
When one or both parents leave in the morning, a mock bear hug, a special parting phrase, watching and waving from the window, can all make the farewell easier.
Clean-up routines.
Whether you insist on one toy being put away before the next comes out or call for a thorough cleanup at the end of a play session or the end of the day, getting your toddler into the routine of picking up after himor herself will pay both short- and long-term dividends.
Linking clean-up time with a particular song or bit of music (“This is the way we pick up our toys, pick up our toys, pick up our toys . . . This is the way we pick up our toys, so early in the evening”) will help establish the routine in the first place and make it much more appealing over the long haul. So will making a game of it: For example, setting an hourglass or timer and trying a beat-the-clock clean-up. (See page 417 for more on cleaning up.)
Welcome-home routines.
No matter who is coming home—from work or from day care or from preschool—sticking to a predictable unwinding routine—roughhousing, reading a book, watching a favorite TV show together—before starting on meals, mail, and other obligations can help relax all of you after a long day. Or make taking care of these obligations part of the routine—setting the table together, going to the mailbox together, and so on.
Mealtime routines.
It may take some of the romance out of dining, but knowing that if it’s Monday it must be fish and carrots, if it’s Tuesday it must be pasta primavera, if it’s Wednesday it must be pizza and salad, and so on, can also take some of the last-minute stress out of shopping and cooking. Make weekend meals, when there’s more time to plan, the adventurous repasts of the week. (Of course, you’ll probably have to be more flexible when it comes to feeding your toddler, who may have his or her own dinner routine in mind: macaroni and cheese every night of the week.) If menu routine turns you off, consider other mealtime traditions: saying grace, taking turns talking about the day’s activities, listening to music, playing word games.
Leisure-time routines.
Since having a toddler in the house pretty much scotches any chance of pre-parenthood weekend spontaneity (remember breakfast and lovemaking in bed, and antiquing in the afternoon?), you might as well stick to weekend routines that you
and
your toddler can look forward to. For instance, early-morning cuddle-and-tickle sessions, pancakes with faces for breakfast, Saturday afternoon outings with Mom, Sunday in the park with Dad.
Hygiene routines.
For the toddler who tends to resist hygiene-related activities, knowing when to expect them can make these tasks less annoying. So establish a predictable routine for tooth brushing, hand washing, baths, and shampooing.
“Leaving” routines.
Leaving—a friend’s house, the playground, or Grandma’s—is difficult for many children. Establishing a regular routine for departures (singing a special good-bye song or reciting a poem, then saying individual good-byes, and on the way home, stopping to look at the puppies in the pet shop window, for instance) may decrease resistance.
Going to day-care/preschool routines.
Always singing the same “this is the way we go to school” song (or another ditty), always walking or driving the same route, always playing name-those-kids (trying to remember all the children in the class, then trying to remember something distinctive about each child) or find-that-color, or another game that you’ve made up can help make the transition from home to school more predictable, and therefore less distressing.
Remember that once you establish a routine, sticking to it as closely as possible is important—even when vacations, visitors, and other extenuating circumstances shake up the status quo. Some toddlers are easily unsettled by change, particularly the last-minute variety. So if you must break with a routine, try to prepare your toddler in advance and then muster up that extra patience to help him or her cope with the disruption.