What to expect when you're expecting (187 page)

Cravings and aversions.
Have you noticed that she’s gagging over foods she used to love—or going gaga over foods she’s never eaten before (or eaten in such peculiar combinations)? Don’t tease her about these cravings and aversions—she’s as powerless to control them as you are to understand them. Instead, indulge her by keeping the offending foods out of smelling distance. (Love chicken wings? Love them somewhere else.) Surprise her with the pickle-melon-and-Swiss sandwich she suddenly can’t live without. Go the extra mile—or two miles—to the all-night mart for that midnight pint of triple fudge brownie, and you’ll both feel better.

A Partner in Parenting by Any Name

Most of the tips in this chapter also apply to the partner in a nontraditional family. Pick and choose questions and answers that fit your situation or can be applied to it.

Exhaustion.
If you think
you’re
tired at the end of the day, think about this: Your spouse expends more energy lying down on the sofa building a baby than you do bodybuilding at the gym. Which makes her a lot more tired than you’ve ever known her to be—and a lot more tired than you can even imagine. So pick up the slack. And your slacks. And the trail of socks and sneakers in the hallway. Beat her to the vacuuming and the dusting and the laundry and the toilet cleaning. (The fumes from the cleaning products will make her feel sicker anyway.) Encourage her to watch your cleanup routine from a fully reclining position on the sofa (even if that’s always been your favorite position).

Trouble sleeping.
She’s making a baby, but chances are she isn’t sleeping like one. So instead of snoring up a storm next time her pregnancy insomnia strikes, keep your spouse company while she waits for the sandman to show up. Buy her a body pillow to help get her comfy or build her a cozy fort of support with your extra pillows. Relax her with a backrub, run her a bath, bring her a warm cup of milk and a muffin. Do a little pillow talking. Cuddle as needed and as wanted. And if one thing leads to another, you might both sleep better. (Don’t expect a sexual nightcap for your efforts, though—there are plenty of reasons why she might not be in the mood these days.)

Frequent urination.
There she goes—again. Urinary frequency will be your spouse’s constant companion in her first trimester, and it’ll come back with a vengeance in the last trimester, too. So try not to hog the bathroom, and always leave it ready for her use. Remember to put the seat down after every use (especially at night), and keep the hallway free of obstacles (your briefcase, your sneakers, that magazine) and lit by a night-light so she won’t trip on her way to the toilet. And be as understanding as you can when she has to get up three times during the movie or stop six times on the way to your parents’ house.

“It’s my wife who’s pregnant, so why am I having morning sickness?”

Feeling curiously … pregnant? Women may have a corner on the pregnancy market but not on pregnancy symptoms. As many as half, or even more (depending on the study), of expectant fathers suffer from some degree of couvade syndrome, or “sympathetic pregnancy,” during their wives’ gestation. The symptoms of couvade can mimic virtually all the normal symptoms of pregnancy, including nausea and vomiting, abdominal pain, appetite changes, weight gain, food cravings, constipation, leg cramps, dizziness, fatigue, and mood swings.

Any number of emotions that have settled down in your psyche these days could trigger these symptoms, from sympathy (you wish you could feel her pain, and so you do), to anxiety (you’re stressed about the pregnancy or about becoming a father), to jealousy (she’s getting center stage; you’d like to share it). But there’s more to sympathy symptoms than just sympathy (and other normal father-to-be feelings). In fact, there are actually physical factors in play. Believe it or not, your wife’s female hormones aren’t the only ones surging these days. Research shows that pregnancy and the postpartum period step up dad’s supply, too. Though you (and your fellow fathers-to-be) won’t be churning out enough female hormones to grow breasts, you might produce enough to grow a little belly, or send you heaving at the sight of your favorite burger, or running to the fridge for a midnight pickle fest (or all three). And these hormonal fluctuations aren’t random or a sign of Mother Nature’s twisted sense of humor. They’re designed to get you in touch with your nurturing side—nature’s way of bringing out the parent in you. Which doesn’t only prepare you for the diaper-changing ahead, but helps you cope with the changes you’re both facing now. These hormone shifts also make it easier for you to channel those sometimes uncomfortable feelings into productive pursuits. Apply your sympathy to cooking dinner and scrubbing the toilet; work through those anxieties by talking them out with your spouse and with friends who are already dads; feel less left out by becoming more involved in the pregnancy and baby prep.

Rest assured, all symptoms that don’t go away during pregnancy will disappear soon after delivery, though you may find that others crop up postpartum. And don’t stress out if you don’t have a single sick—or queasy or achy—day during your wife’s pregnancy. Not suffering from morning sickness or putting on weight doesn’t mean you don’t empathize and identify with your spouse or that you’re not destined for nurturing—just that you’ve found other ways to express your feelings. Every expectant father, like every expectant mother, is different.

“I hardly feel I have anything to do with the pregnancy, now that conception’s out of the way.”

Many fathers-to-be feel like they’re on the outside looking in, and that’s not surprising. After all, mom’s the one getting all the attention (from friends, from family, from the practitioner). She’s the one with the physical connection to the baby (and the belly to back it up). You know you’re about to become a father, but you don’t have much to show for it now.

Not to worry. Just because the pregnancy’s not taking place in your body doesn’t mean you can’t share it. Don’t wait for an invitation to get you off the bench. Your spouse has a lot on her mind (and a lot to get off her chest), and it’s up to you to get into the game. Open up to her about feeling shut out, and ask her to let you in. She might not even realize she’s excluding you from the pregnancy, or she may think you’re not particularly interested in it.

But also remember, the best way to keep from feeling left out is to step up to the plate and get involved. Here’s how:

Be a prenatal regular. Whenever you can (and if you’re not already), join her at her practitioner checkups. She’ll appreciate the moral support, but you’ll appreciate the chance to hear the practitioner’s instructions for yourself (so you can help her follow them better—and help her remember them if pregnancy forgetfulness leaves her in a fog). Plus you’ll get to ask all those questions you have. The visits will also give you much-needed insight into the miraculous changes going on in your spouse’s body. Best of all, you’ll get to experience those momentous milestones with her (hearing the heartbeat, seeing those tiny limbs on ultrasound).

Resources for Dads

Expectant fathers are just as hungry for reassurance, support, information, and empathy as expectant mothers. Here are some places you can turn to, both during pregnancy andonce you’re a fullfledged dad:
whattoexpect.com
;
fathermag.com
;
fathersforum.com
;
fatherville.com
;
bcnd.org
.

Act pregnant. You don’t have to show up for work in a baby-on-board T-shirt or start sporting a milk mustache. But you can be a true partner in pregnancy: Exercise with her (it’ll tone you up, too); take a pass on the alcohol (it’s much easier for her to toe the teetotaling line when she has a comrade-in-club-soda); eat well (at least when you’re around her); and if you smoke, quit (permanently, since secondhand smoke isn’t good for anyone—especially your baby).

Get an education. Even dads with advanced degrees (including those with MDs) have a lot to learn when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, and baby care, just as moms do the first time. Read books and magazines; visit websites. Attend childbirth classes together; attend classes for fathers, if they’re available locally. Chat up friends and colleagues who’ve become new fathers recently or chat with other pregnant dads online.

Make contact with your baby. A pregnant woman may have the edge in bonding with the unborn baby because it’s comfortably ensconced in her uterus, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start getting to know the new family member, too.

Talk, read, sing to your baby frequently; a fetus can hear from about the end of the sixth month on, and hearing your voice often now will help your newborn recognize it after delivery. Enjoy baby’s kicks and squirms by resting your hand or your cheek on your wife’s bare belly for a few minutes each night. It’s a nice way to get close to her, too.

Shop for a layette, and a crib, and a stroller with your partner. Decorate the nursery together. Pore over baby-name books. Attend consultations with prospective baby doctors. In general, become active in every aspect of planning and preparing for the baby’s arrival.