What to expect when you're expecting (190 page)

Cutting out (or cutting down). Drinking a lot can swing your moods even lower. Though alcohol has a reputation for being a mood booster, it’s technically a depressant, so there’s a reason why the morning after is never as happy as the night before. Plus, it’s a coping mechanism that covers up the feelings you’re trying to cope with. Ditto with other drugs.

If these suggestions don’t help lift your mood, or if your depression deepens or begins to interfere with your relationship with your spouse, your work, and other aspects of your life, don’t wait it out. Seek professional help (from your physician or a therapist) so you can start enjoying what should be a happy and exciting life change.

“I’m excited about our baby’s birth, but I’m stressed out about handling it all. What if I can’t keep it together?”

Few fathers enter the birthing room without a little trepidation—or a lot. Even obstetricians who’ve assisted at the births of thousands of other people’s babies can experience a sudden loss of self-confidence when confronted with their own baby’s delivery.

Yet very few of those father-to-be fears—of freezing, falling apart, fainting, getting sick, and otherwise humiliating themselves or their spouses or falling short of their expectations—are ever realized. In fact, most dads handle childbirth with surprising ease, keeping their composure, their cool, and their lunch. And though being prepared for the birth—by taking childbirth education classes, for instance—generally makes the experience more satisfying for all involved, even most unprepared fathers come through labor and delivery better than they ever would have imagined.

But, like anything new and unknown, childbirth becomes less scary and intimidating if you know what to expect. So become an expert on the subject. Read the section on labor and delivery, beginning on
page 380
. Check out the Internet. Attend childbirth education classes, watching the labor and delivery DVDs with your eyes wide open. Visit the hospital or birthing center ahead of time so it’ll be familiar ground on labor day. Talk to friends who’ve attended the births of their children—you’ll probably find that they were stressed out about the birth beforehand, too, but that they came through it like pros.

Though it’s important to get an education, remember that childbirth isn’t the final exam. Don’t feel you’re under any pressure to perform. Midwives and doctors won’t be evaluating your every move or comparing you to the coach next door. More important, neither will your spouse. She won’t care if you forget every coaching technique you learned in class. Your being beside her, holding her hand, urging her on, and providing the comfort of a familiar face and touch is what she’ll need—and appreciate—most of all.

Still having performance anxiety? Some couples find that having a doula present during birth helps them both to get through labor and delivery with less stress and more comfort (see
page 298
).

“The sight of blood makes me sick, so I’m worried about being at the delivery.”

Most expectant fathers—and mothers—worry about how they’ll handle seeing blood at delivery. But chances are you won’t even notice it, never mind be bothered by it—for a couple of reasons. First of all, there typically isn’t very much blood to see. Second, the excitement and wonder of watching your baby arrive is likely to keep you both pretty preoccupied (that, and the efforts of birthing, of course).

If at first glance the blood does bother you (and it’s really likely it won’t), keep your eyes focused on your spouse’s face as you coach her through those last pushes. You’ll probably want to turn back to the main event for that momentous moment; at that point, blood is going to be the last thing you’ll notice.

“My wife is having a scheduled C-section. Is there anything I need to know ahead of time?”

The more you learn about C-sections now, the better the experience will be for both of you. Even though you won’t be helping out as much as you would if you were coaching your partner through a vaginal birth, your participation will be more valuable than you might think. A dad’s reaction at a cesarean delivery can actually affect the level of fear and anxiety his partner experiences—and a less-stressed father contributes greatly to a less-stressed mother. And there’s no better way to reduce your stress than knowing what to expect. So sign up together for a childbirth education class that includes C-sections in the curriculum, read up on surgical deliveries and recoveries (see
pages 398
and
432
), and get as prepped as you can.

Remember that any kind of surgery can seem like a scary proposition, but C-sections are extremely safe for both mom and baby. Plus, most hospitals now strive to make them as family friendly as possible, allowing you to watch (if you want to), sit by your spouse’s side, hold her hand, and hold the baby right after birth—just like the couples delivering vaginally down the hall.

“Ever since I saw him on ultrasound, I’ve been excited about our son’s birth. But I’ve also been worrying about how different our lives will be once we become parents.”

Little babies do bring some large life changes, no doubt about it—and all expectant parents worry about them. Moms-to-be stress about these upcoming changes, too, but being so physically invested in the pregnancy process gives them a head start on working them through (their lives are already different, big time). For dads, the changes can seem less gradual, more jolting. But thinking about them—and even stressing about them—now is actually a really good thing, since it gives you a chance to prepare realistically for the impact parenthood will have on your life. The most common dad-to-be worries include:

Will I be a good father?
There isn’t a dad-to-be (or mom-to-be) who doesn’t have this one on his top-10 worry list. To help you cross it off yours, see
page 486
.

Will our relationship change?
Just about every set of new parents finds that their relationship undergoes some change when baby makes three. Anticipating this change realistically during pregnancy is an important first step in dealing with it effectively postpartum. No longer will being alone together be as simple as closing the blinds and letting voice mail pick up calls; from the moment baby comes home from the hospital, spontaneous intimacy and complete privacy will be precious, and often unattainable, commodities. Romance may have to be planned (a quickie grabbed during baby’s nap) rather than spur of the moment, and interruptions may be the rule (you can’t let voice mail pick up the baby, after all). But as long as you both make the effort to make time for each other—whether that means catching up with each other over a late dinner once baby’s in bed, or giving up a game with the guys so you can play games of an entirely different kind with your spouse, or starting a weekly date night—your relationship will weather the changes well. Many couples, in fact, find that becoming a threesome deepens, strengthens, and improves their twosome—bringing them closer together than they’ve ever been before.

Being There

The very best way to start off your new life as a father is at home with your new family. So if it’s possible and financially feasible, consider taking off as much time as you can right after delivery—through the Family and Medical Leave Act (which allows for 12 weeks of unpaid leave for mothers and fathers; see
page 187
), the policy at your company (ask ahead of time what it is), or by taking a chunk of vacation time (the beach will be there next year, but your baby will be a newborn only once). Or if that’s impossible (or not your preference), consider working part-time for a few weeks or doing some work from home.

Should none of these possibilities prove practical, and job responsibilities call, maximize the time you have off from work. Make sure you’re home as much as you can be; learn to say no to overtime, early or late meetings, and business trips that can be put off or passed off. Especially in the postpartum period, when your spouse is still recovering from labor and delivery, try to do more than your share of household chores and baby care whenever you’re home. Keep in mind that no matter how physically or emotionally stressful your occupation, there is no more demanding job than caring for a newborn.

Make bonding with your new baby a priority, but don’t forget to devote some time to nurturing your spouse as well. Pamper her when you’re home, and let her know you’re thinking of her when you’re at work. Call her often to offer support and empathy (and so she can unload as much as she needs to); surprise her with flowers or takeout from a favorite restaurant.

How will we divide the child care?
Parenting is a two-person job (at least when there are two parents), but that doesn’t mean it’s clear just how the division of labor will play out once baby makes three. Don’t wait until baby needs his first midnight diaper change or his first bath to decide this question. Start divvying up duties now—fairly. Some details of your plan may change once you really start operating as parents (she had signed up for baths, but you turn out to be the better bather), but exploring the options in theory now will make you feel more confident about how baby care is going to work in practice later. Plus, it’ll encourage you to communicate about it openly—something every team needs to do to be effective.

How will work be affected?
That depends on your work schedule. If you currently work long hours with little time off, you may need (and want) to make some changes to make fatherhood the priority in your life that you’ll want it to be. And don’t wait until you officially become a father. Think about taking time off now for doctor’s visits, as well as to help your exhausted spouse with baby preparations. Start weaning yourself off those 12-hour days, and resist the temptation to continue your day at the office at home. Avoid trips and a heavy workload during the two months before and after your baby’s ETA, if you can. And if it’s at all possible, consider taking paternity leave in the early weeks of baby’s life.

Will we have to give up our lifestyle?
You probably won’t have to say good-bye to accustomed activities or your social life as you knew it, but you should expect to make some adjustments, at least up front. A new baby does, and should, take center stage, pushing some old lifestyle habits temporarily aside. Parties, movies, and sports may be tricky to fit in between feedings; cozy dinners for two at your favorite bistro may become noisy meals for three at family restaurants that tolerate squirming infants. Your circle of friends may change somewhat, too; you may suddenly find yourself gravitating toward fellow stroller-pushers for empathetic companionship. Not to say that there won’t be a place for old friends—and pastimes from your past—in your new life with baby; just that your priorities will likely do some necessary shifting.

Can I afford a larger family?
With child-rearing costs going through the roof, many expectant parents lose sleep over this very legitimate question. But there are plenty of ways to cut those costs, including opting for breastfeeding (no bottles or formula to buy), accepting all the hand-me-downs that are offered (new clothes start to look like hand-me-downs after a few spitting-up episodes anyway), and letting friends and family know which gifts you really need rather than allowing them to fill baby’s shelves with stuff you’ll never use. If either of you is planning to take extra time off from work (or to put career plans on hold for a while) and this concerns you from a financial standpoint, weigh it against the costs of quality child care and commuting. The income lost may not be so great after all.

Most important: Instead of thinking of what you won’t have in your life anymore (or won’t have as much opportunity for), try to start thinking of what you will have in your life: a very special little person to share it with. Will your life be different? Absolutely. Will it be better? Immeasurably.

“I want to be a good father, but the thought is terrifying. I’ve never even seen or held a newborn, much less taken care of one.”

Few men are born fathers, any more than women are born mothers. Though parental love may come naturally, parental skills (the stuff you’re nervous about) have to be learned. Like every other new dad and mom, you’ll grow into parenthood one challenge, one bath, one all-night rocking session, one cuddle and coo at a time. Gradually, with persistence, hard work, and a lot of love (that’ll be the easy part, once you gaze into that little face), the role that seems daunting—yes, terrifying—now will become second nature. Though you’ll learn plenty on the job—and from your mistakes, which every new parent makes plenty of—you might feel a little more comfortable with some formal preparation.

Fortunately, classes that teach all the baby basics—from diapering to bathing, feeding to playing—are finding their way into communities across the country. There are boot camps for new dads and other preparatory classes in many hospitals and community centers. Ask about those or classes you can take together as a couple at the next prenatal appointment, check into them at the hospital or birthing center you’ll be delivering at, or do some research online. Put an infant CPR class on your to-do list, too. You can also learn the ropes by reading
What to Expect the First Year
or online at whattoexpect.com. If you have friends who have recently arrived infants, turn to them for some hands-on instruction. Ask them to let you hold, diaper, and play with their babies.