What You Become (19 page)

‘We got things wrong, worked them too hard. Didn’t let them have enough freedom. It’s a lesson, I’m sure of it. These last few days have been awful, but what did we expect? We put them in a cage. Expected too much. I should have been on their side more. No, Fab! I should. They needed me.’

June’s cheeks were flushed and she talked fast, and I remembered the mean impressions Ti used to do of her mild, walked-over mum. How surprised she’d be to see her now. Her voice was husky like Ti’s, but her face was all Ophelia: big eyes and high cheeks and full lips. She was overcome with feeling, and Fab put his hand over hers.

‘It’s an emotional time,’ he said. ‘We’re thinking very hard about what we could have done different. Expect you are too . . . We’re thinking to sell the café. We don’t want it no more. They hated that place.
The effing café
they called it. Funny really, because we got it for them. We wanted to give them opportunities, but maybe they were too young. You can’t force people, can you?’

We sat for a while longer, drinking another round of coffee, and talking about the vigil, and nobody mentioned the fire, or Chase, or Will, and I was glad. It felt like sitting together, without the girls, was all we could cope with in that moment. As I was leaving, after giving me an uncomfortably long hug, June pressed the necklace into my hand.

‘Keep it,’ she said. ‘And pray for her to come back.’

When it was time to leave, and after June finally let me go, Fab escorted me to the door.

‘You’ve surprised me, coming round here, talking like this. I thought you were a little–’ he poked his bottom lip out, searching, and June put her hand on his arm, just above the elbow.

‘Weak,’ he said.

June squeezed my hand. ‘This is Fab talking, Rosie, not me . . .’

‘We did! What’s the matter? I’m giving her a compliment. Ti always loved you,
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie,
and I couldn’t see it – always so quiet, no stories to tell – but I’m getting it now. It’s a different way, you have. Gentle. Like my Junebug.’

He pulled his wife to him, and in spite of her nerves, and the circumstances, she flushed with pleasure.

‘There’s different ways to be strong, and it takes all kinds. You’re a good friend,’ he said, and I had to wipe my eyes again, which pleased him.

‘That’s it! You weep away!’ he called, crying himself. ‘Stop holding it all in. What’s the point, eh? What’s the effing point?’

Forty-one

June’s positive mental attitude reinvigorated my nightwandering. The penny
had
been a sign. Ti wanted me to find her. And I wouldn’t give up until I did. If Ti had something to do with the fire like people were saying (or Ophelia, more likely) then it made perfect sense for them to lie low.

Things in the hedges seemed to slither, but I had my staff for protection, and Ti’s necklace clenched in my fist. The coast path lay ahead of me, thick and silvery in the darkness, and I focused on my breathing, on the ground beneath my feet. It was still freezing, more like December than May, and I was glad of the flask of tea in my bag. It had seemed like extra weight at first, but I couldn’t end the tradition now. It would be like stopping hoping Mum would get well.

The ground was slippy from the day’s rain, and the beach was littered with layers of bladderwrack, and as my feet started aching my P.M.A. began to fade. Ti could have left the penny under the Petrified Lady at any time. Years ago, even. Maybe some other kids had played around with it. I was fooling myself to see it as a sign.

Daphne’s bench was nearby, and I aimed for that. How long had it been since we sat there together? Long before we went to Chase’s garden and Ti started at The Bridge. It must have been about a year ago, when Ophelia was rehearsing for
West Side Story
, even, because we had seen her and Will earlier that night.

It had been a Saturday, I remembered, because Fab and June had gone to see a Queen tribute band at the Pink Coconut, and Ophelia had sneaked Will into the house. They had just become official, and he’d taken Fab’s car round the block, to prove he could drive, and none of us could believe his nerve, except Ophelia.

‘Told you he wasn’t a square,’ she said to Ti, and soon after he returned we had to leave them, because their public displays of affection were too loud and gruesome to tolerate. We’d taken snacks from the fridge, and walked to listen to the sea instead.

With Ophelia’s profiteroles stickying our fingers we’d promised to meet here always, at Daphne’s bench, even when we had white hair and Zimmer frames and those little grey old-people terriers.

But she wasn’t out here now. I was delusional. I’d already checked Daphne’s bench twice, why would a third time be any different? I was just punishing myself, because I’d lost the only real friend I’d had. Still, I couldn’t go home without checking one last time.

The seahorse necklace was sweaty in my hand as I turned down the trail to Durgan. Except this time, Daphne’s bench wasn’t empty.

There was something on it, a shape in the dark, like a small person lying down, and I rushed to look closer.

My heart beat so loud the stars could hear, and I was so happy I could cry. It
was
a person! There were the legs, and the head: they were curled up, on the bench.

Weren’t they?

As I drew nearer, what had seemed to be a head tucked into a body became only a lump. A sleeping bag.

The sea rushed in and out, down below on Durgan Beach, and its repetition was ominous and dangerous.

I lay down on the bench, and cried.

Forty-two

‘Rosie?’

A figure crouched in front of me, icy fingers lightly touching my cheekbone. I had fallen asleep, and for a second I thought I was dreaming. She was so unfamiliar.

‘Titania?’

She wore a big Puffa jacket I’d never seen before, with a rip on the shoulder where off-white stuffing spilled out, and I leapt from the bench.

‘Ti!’

‘Rosie!’ she said, and it was so good to hear her voice. I wrapped my arms round her, and her jacket was cold and silky against my face, as she squeezed me back. We sat down together, drawing the sleeping bag round us, and the tears I’d been crying when I fell asleep were nothing compared to the floods that hit now.

‘Oh my god, Ti. I thought I’d never see you again. I’ve been so scared!’ I could hardly get the words out, and I thought I might throw up. ‘What’s going on? What happened? Are you okay?’

She closed her eyes, like there was too much to begin, and her teeth chattering made me remember the tea I’d packed.

Taking the full flask lid, Ti held it close to her face, breathing in the steam. As she drank I saw that her face was cut, with bruising over one cheek. Her mouth looked swollen too. Surely Fab didn’t do that?

‘We need to get you warmed up.’

‘I’ve got to get back.’

‘Back where? Where are you staying? Are you staying at Will’s?’

She flicked her head to me abruptly. ‘Why would you say that?’

‘I went to see him when I first heard, and he acted weird . . .’

‘Shit!’

‘Listen, it doesn’t matter. No one else noticed. It’s just me because I’ve known him forever. Look, Ti, come to my house with me. I’ll make you a special sandwich, and you can sleep in my bed. Joey will be so happy to see you.’

‘
Rosie
. . .’

‘I mean it, come with me. We’ll sort this out. Joey never believed you were dead, not for one second.’

‘Everyone else does, though, don’t they? Everyone else thinks we are?’

‘I didn’t. Your parents don’t. I went to see them, Ti, they’re—’

‘Please! Don’t talk about them!’

‘Okay, fine. But I’m just saying . . . I mean, I was scared, but I know how good a swimmer you are. It didn’t make
sense
. And then I found the penny—’

‘We need everyone to believe it.’

Your parents will never believe it
, I wanted to say,
and the police are suspicious of your dad
, but she seemed so delicate in that moment that I daren’t. I was terrified of losing her again.

‘Please just come with me. You could leave before sun up, no one would even know—’

‘I started the fire, Rosie.’

That shut me up. ‘No.’

‘Come on, you must know this. Mia saw me on school property just before.’

I shook my head. ‘I don’t believe it.’

‘Well, the police will. My fingerprints will be all over everything. Drama block’s destroyed. And what if Chase dies? How can we come back? How can we face anyone? The whole town will hate us.’

What did she mean
us
? She wasn’t telling me the half of it.

‘Chase is gonna get better,’ I said. If I could just get her to agree to come somewhere warm with me, I could find out what had happened later.

‘How do you know? She’s seriously injured. Will tried to visit, but he wasn’t allowed in.’

‘Charlie told me he’d seen her! She said her room was full of flowers.’

‘What, you’re surprised that Charlie Fielding’s lied? You’re not allowed flowers in the ICU, insects can get in and put extra stress on the immune system. No, it’s family only, apparently, which means it’s bad. And what about the building? All the equipment? What if she’s
scarred
? Or injured, properly injured. We can’t
stay
, not now . . .’

There was that ‘we’ again. A coughing fit overtook her, and she covered her mouth with her hands. She was such a bad liar! There was a whooping sound in Ti’s throat that sounded bad, and Daphne’s bench was sucking the last of the warmth from my body. We needed to move.

‘Just come home with me, Ti. We can sort this out. I’m sure we can. You can’t stay out here with the weather like this. You’ve just got to tell the truth, that’s all. Say exactly what happened, that it was an accident. It was an accident, right?’

She rubbed violently at her face, reminding me of her dad for a second. ‘Don’t be stupid, Rosie. No one will believe it was an accident.’

Ti had wrapped her arms round herself, and staring out to sea she looked like she didn’t care if she was ever warm or comfortable again. ‘I can’t leave the coast path,’ she said. ‘I can’t risk it.’

‘I know you can’t. I get it. We’ll . . . We’ll go to Kiaru’s. His summer house has a heater. He’s got one of the gates.’

‘Nobody else can know, Rosie. Ophelia will kill me if she knows I’m talking to you.’

‘Nobody will know. His garden’s massive, and the summer house is right at the opposite end from the house. We’ll just stay there for a bit, warm up, then you can go back to find her.’

‘It’s such a mess, Rose. You don’t want to get involved. It’s better off me and Ophelia.’

‘Don’t say that,’ I said, holding her hands and trying to pull her up, and she didn’t exactly jump to her feet, but she could have resisted more.

‘You just have to tell me what happened.
Exactly
.’

Ti looked as though she was going to start, but no words came out. Her lips were turning blue. I shuffled closer, one arm round her back, and her Puffa jacket crackled against me. We put our heads down against the northerly wind that seemed to be building again, blowing the spiky gorse branches into us as we navigated the narrow path.

‘When you’re warm,’ I said. ‘Tell me when you’re warm.’

Forty-three

Cups from my last visit littered the low wooden table, and I turned the heater high as it would go. The fan roared, and I had to remind myself how far we were from the house, and what human ears were capable of.

‘You’ll be warm soon,’ I said, because Ti’s teeth rattled loudly. She sat down on the gingham settee, and I put the patchwork blanket over her, then the sleeping bag on top.

‘Ophelia will worry if I’m away too long.’

‘She’ll be wrapped up in Will. Take your shoes off.’

Ti scowled, because I was right. She leant forward to untie her laces, and there was a vinegary damp smell, and I saw that her socks were soaking wet.

‘Dry them in front of the heater. I’ll bring you clean stuff tomorrow.’

She draped the soaked rags on the edge of the table, and put her feet up, letting out a sigh of relief.

‘I’ll go back soon,’ she promised herself. ‘Soon as I’ve warmed through.’

I settled down on the floor in front of her, covering myself with the extra flap of sleeping bag. I took her hand, and closed my eyes. ‘I’m so sorry for not being there for you, Ti. It’ll never ever happen again.’

‘I thought you hated me.’

‘Of course I don’t . . .’

‘I know I’m not easy . . .’

‘Don’t say that, Ti, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine, but I’m going to make it up to you. I’m going to sort this out.’

‘You can’t fix this, Rosie, no one can.’ Her voice was soft, falling to sleep already, but I didn’t know how much time I would have with her. Without Ophelia too.

‘Ti, you have to tell me what happened.’

‘I know, I will.’

‘You have to tell me now.’

I couldn’t see her face, but she took a deep breath.

‘You have to give her a break, though, like you would me, because she didn’t mean for it to get out of hand. It was so windy, d’you remember?’ I remembered Kiaru’s warm hand holding mine, and pink petals falling, his smell of deodorant and incense.

‘There were so many things in the run-up, when you know the full story. It wasn’t just one thing.’

‘Go on.’

‘So you have to listen.’

‘I will, just tell me.’

‘Okay . . . so you know there was a row, a big one, at home, and Dad, he . . .’

‘Is that what the bruises are?’ I asked very timidly because I was frightened of the answer.

‘No! God, no – I’ll get to that – this was earlier, teatime, just after I called you. Ophelia jumped out of our bedroom window, and I ran after her as soon as I realized. I knew she’d be heading for Will, so I walked to school, but by the time I found her she was a wreck. She’d been drinking Dad’s whisky in her room, and she was shouting her mouth off, I couldn’t get her to stop. She was shouting for Chase to come out and face her, and I thought she was going to get arrested she was so loud, but the play was loud too. We could hear it blasting from the gym, and nobody came out.