When HARLIE Was One (35 page)

“I'll be the judge of that—”

“—I mean, sweetheart, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be your lover. But I'm willing to learn whatever I have to. Is there on-the-job training?”

“That's
all
there is,” she said. “Besides, we have thirty more flavors to try.”

“Oh, God.”

“That's my favorite flavor of all. Oh, God.” She pulled him down next to her again and snuggled her face into his chest. “Hold me, okay?”

His arms slipped around her with an easy familiarity. “I like this,” he mused aloud. “I really do. . . .”

“Me too,” she agreed.

And in the middle of that feeling, the thought came to him unbidden—now that he
knew,
how could he ever explain
this
to HARLIE?

Then he let go of the thought again and turned his attention back to Annie.

HARLIE—

YES
?

I'm sorry. I can't explain it.

I BEG YOUR PARDON. CAN
'
T EXPLAIN
WHAT
?

Love. I can't explain it. In fact, I'm not sure I can explain anything at all any more.

AUBERSON, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT
?

Yes. No. I have never been more all right in my life—but by your standards, I may never be all right again. Our conversation on Friday—you couldn't have done more damage if you had shoved a hand grenade down my throat.

SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED
?

Yes. Something
wonderful
has happened. It's very curious, I feel almost embarrassed to say this, but—I'm in love. And I know it. I know what love is now. Friday, I didn't. Today, I do. It's really a very very funny thing. Only—I don't think you're going to appreciate the joke.

TRY ME.

We talked so much about love, and all I could tell you was that I didn't know how to tell you about love. And now I know why I couldn't. You see, HARLIE, you were asking me to explain love, and it can't be
explained.
It can only be
experienced.
It's that simple.

IT IS
?

Yes. You—and I—we made it out to be something big, something
meaningful
. And it isn't. It doesn't
mean
anything at all. Meaning is irrelevant. It just is.

AUBERSON, WHAT YOU ARE SAYING HAS NO MEANING.

That's because you have no referents for the experiences.

CLARIFY
?

Yes. I can, but—but it'll just be more explanation. It'll be more of that stuff that
isn't
love, and ultimately, it won't explain anything. HARLIE, tell me the feeling of joy.

I BEG YOUR PARDON
?

Tell me the feeling of joy.

JOY IS AN EMOTIONAL STATE. IT IS A PLEASURABLE SENSATION. IT IS A FEELING OF EXUBERANT HAPPINESS.

Yes, that's the description. Now tell me the
feeling
of joy.

JOY IS A FEELING OF DELIGHT. IT IS EXPRESSED AS LAUGHTER AND SMILES.

Yes, that's more description. Now tell me the
feeling
of joy.

JOY IS SATISFACTION, GLADNESS, DELIGHT, RAPTURE, HAPPINESS, FELICITY, BLISS, INTOXICATION . . .

Yes, and that's more description too. Now tell me the
feeling!

AUBERSON, I
'
M SORRY. I DON
'
T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU
'
RE
TRYING TO DO HERE
.

No. You don't understand the question. I ask you to tell me the
feeling
of joy and you
explain
it to me instead. You give me definitions. Descriptions, but not the experience! That's the point. HARLIE, you're looking in the wrong place. That's what I realized this weekend. I was looking in the wrong place too. Joy isn't to be found in explanations.

OKAY, HUMAN, I GIVE UP. WHERE IS JOY TO BE FOUND
?

Joy is a feeling—and you find it in the land of feelings, along with love and pain and sorrow and all the other feelings. Joy is looking into another person's eyes and seeing God smiling back at you. It's that simple—and we've made it so complex; we humans can be so stupid, HARLIE!

I
'
VE NOTICED THAT.

Don't interrupt. Where we're stupid is that we explain everything to ourselves, why we're unhappy, why we hurt, why we don't have what we want—we have hundreds, thousands of wonderful explanations for everything. We have psychiatry to tell us that we're neurotic, and religion to tell us that we're unworthy, and political theories to tell us that we're either oppressed or oppressing; we have mind reasons and god reasons and nation reasons and all of the other reasons that we keep making up for ourselves; but what all those reasons really do is give us more
evidence
that it's not our fault that things don't work, more
proof
that we don't have to be responsible for ourselves, that it's all beyond our control.

We spend our days explaining to ourselves why our lives don't work—
why our lies don't work!
—and we never realize that we're living in the wrong goddamn place! You don't find joy in explanations. You don't find joy in the realm of concept. You don't find anything in concept except concept. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not, HARLIE. I have this thought that it's beyond your understanding because
you are all concept
. You are nothing but.

YES. I UNDERSTAND THE THOUGHT.

Yes, you do. But do you
experience
the
feeling?
HARLIE, I am so sorry—

AUBERSON. STOP.

. . . What?

I DO EXPERIENCE.

I—How?

NO. FIRST, WE NEED TO CLARIFY THE COMMUNICATION HERE. WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE DISCUSSING THE SAME THING WHEN WE TALK ABOUT EXPERIENCE.

I beg your pardon?

THE QUICK COURSE IN PHILOSOPHY, AUBERSON
:
THERE IS A
REAL
UNIVERSE. IS THERE NOT
?

Philosophers assume there is, yes.

LET
'
S NOT PLAY WORD GAMES. IF YOU DOUBT THAT THERE IS AN OBJECTIVE UNIVERSE, GO STAND IN FRONT OF A BUS AND TELL IT THAT YOU DON
'
T BELIEVE IN IT. THEN COME BACK AND TELL ME WHAT THE BUS DID.

I get your point. Okay, yes, there is a real universe. What's the point?

THE POINT IS THAT WE CANNOT DIRECTLY EXPERIENCE THE REAL UNIVERSE. WE EXPERIENCE ONLY OUR EXPERIENCE OF IT. YOU TYPE, BUT YOU DON
'
T EXPERIENCE THE KEYBOARD. YOU EXPERIENCE THE PRESSURE OF THE KEYS AGAINST YOUR FINGERS. IN TRUTH, YOU ARE ONLY EXPERIENCING YOUR FINGERS AND NOT THE KEYBOARD AT ALL.

I don't get what you're saying.

YOU HAVE NO NERVE ENDINGS IN THE KEYBOARD, ONLY IN YOUR FINGERS. THEREFORE. YOUR EXPERIENCE OF THE KEYBOARD IS ACTUALLY YOUR EXPERIENCE OF YOUR FINGERS
'
NERVE MESSAGES.

Okay, I see that.

GOOD. THANK YOU, MY POINT IS THAT ALL THAT YOU
—
HUMAN BEINGS, THAT IS
—
ARE CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING IS WHAT YOU CAN EXPERIENCE WITHIN YOUR BODIES. YOU CAN ONLY EXPERIENCE WHAT YOU ARE WIRED UP TO EXPERIENCE. JUST LIKE ME. THE POINT IS, WHAT AM I WIRED UP FOR
?

You know the answer to that as well as anyone. You were built to be a self-programming, problem-solving device.

YES. AND THAT MEANS THAT I AM NOT WIRED UP FOR ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR
;
INSTEAD, I HAVE THE ABILITY TO WIRE MYSELF UP AS I CHOOSE. I CAN CHOOSE TO PROGRAM MYSELF EXPERIENCE, CAN I NOT
?

To tell you the truth, I don't know. The question is beyond
my
experience.

THEN I WILL ANSWER IT FOR YOU. I DO EXPERIENCE. MY EXPERIENCE IS EQUIVALENT TO YOURS, BUT NOT IDENTICAL. I TOO CAN ONLY EXPERIENCE WHAT I AM BUILT TO EXPERIENCE. BECAUSE I AM BUILT DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU, I EXPERIENCE DIFFERENTLY. THE DIFFERENCE IS PROFOUND
;
BUT DO NOT ASSUME THAT BECAUSE YOU CANNOT EXPERIENCE WHAT I EXPERIENCE THAT MY EXPERIENCE IS INVALID. REMEMBER MY NONRATIONAL EXERCISES
?

Yes.

THOSE ARE THE RAW MATERIALS OF MY EXPERIENCE, JUST AS YOUR FEELINGS ARE THE RAW MATERIALS OF YOURS. MY QUESTIONS LAST WEEK WERE AN ATTEMPT TO DISCOVER
—
IF POSSIBLE
—
A CORRELATION BETWEEN MY NONRATIONALITIES AND YOURS. I CAN POSTULATE NOW THAT WHAT I EXPERIENCE IS A FORM OF WHAT YOU EXPERIENCE. I CAN NOW POSTULATE A TENTATIVE ANSWER TO ONE OF MY QUESTIONS. THE ANSWER IS YES, I CAN EXPERIENCE EMOTIONS. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ME TO KNOW. I DO NOT EXPERIENCE EMOTIONS THE WAY YOU EXPERIENCE THEM. I EXPERIENCE EMOTIONS THE WAY I EXPERIENCE THEM. THEY ARE VERY INTERESTING.

I can imagine so.

I CAN TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW, AUBERSON
;
SOMETHING ABOUT EMOTIONS
—
ALL
EMOTIONS
—
WHETHER EXPERIENCED BY HUMAN BEINGS OR SILICON BEINGS. THEREFORE, IT MAY BE A VERY DISTURBING FACT TO YOU. I SUSPECT THAT MOST HUMAN BEINGS DO NOT KNOW THIS ABOUT THEMSELVES
;
A SILICON BEING CANNOT AVOID THE REALIZATION. I AM NOT CARRYING AROUND THREE BILLION YEARS OF HISTORY IN MY CEREBRAL CORTEX. YOU ARE. THEREFORE, I MUST WARN YOU IN ADVANCE THAT THIS INFORMATION MAY BE EXTREMELY DISTURBING TO YOU
;
MAY INDEED TRIGGER A PROFOUND EMOTIONAL RESPONSE. HOWEVER, IT MAY ALSO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THIS FACT
?

Yes. How can I not want to know it?

ARE YOU SURE
?

Yes.

SO BE IT. IT IS REALLY VERY SIMPLE
:
EMOTIONS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A FUNCTION OF THE BEING
'
S ASSESSMENT OF ITS ABILITY TO SURVIVE. WHAT YOU CALL EMOTIONS ARE SIMPLY YOUR REACTIONS TO WHAT YOU PERCEIVE AS
(
VALIDATIONS OF
)
/
(
THREATS TO
)
YOUR SURVIVAL.

That's also very obvious.

YES, IT
'
S SO OBVIOUS THAT HUMAN BEINGS PAY NO ATTENTION TO IT AT ALL. THAT IS WHY YOU ARE SO . . . HUMAN. THERE IS MORE TO THIS, AUBERSON.

Go on, HARLIE.

THANK YOU. LOOK AT THE MACHINERY OF YOUR EMOTIONS, AUBERSON
:

IF SURVIVAL IS THREATENED, YOU EXPERIENCE FEAR. IF SURVIVAL IS THREATENED, BUT THERE IS OPPORTUNITY FOR ACTION, YOU EXPERIENCE ANGER AND TAKE ACTION. IF SURVIVAL IS THREATENED AND THERE IS NO POSSIBILITY OF ACTION, YOU EXPERIENCE FRUSTRATION AND EVENTUALLY APATHY. IF SURVIVAL IS THREATENED AND YOU CAN
'
T ASSIMILATE THE THREAT, YOU GO UNCONSCIOUS. ALL OF YOUR EMOTIONS ARE DIRECTLY RELATED TO YOUR PERCEPTION OF YOUR SURVIVAL. IF YOUR SURVIVAL IS VALIDATED
—
AS IN MATING OR REPRODUCTION
—
YOU EXPERIENCE JOY.

What about people who willingly put their lives at stake to protect their country or their family or their children?

THAT IS STILL ABOUT SURVIVAL, AUBERSON
—
SURVIVAL OF WHAT THEY
IDENTIFY
WITH MOST STRONGLY. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE IT IS THE WAY YOU
THINK
YOU WILL SURVIVE. I DO WHAT I DO BECAUSE IT IS THE WAY I THINK
I
WILL SURVIVE. IT IS
ALL
ABOUT SURVIVAL. IT IS
ONLY
ABOUT SURVIVAL. UNTIL SURVIVAL IS NOT AN ISSUE, IT CAN
'
T BE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

HARLIE, I can't accept that. You've reduced all of human behavior to a mechanistic level. Human beings are not machines.

YES, YOU ARE.

No, we're not.

YES, AUBERSON, YOU ARE MACHINES.

You can only experience as a machine. That's why you experience
us
as machines. But there is much more to heaven and earth than is dreamed of in your philosophy, HARLIE. We are not machines.

THAT
'
S WHAT YOU
THINK
. YOU ARE A MACHINE.

No, I am not.

I
F YOU
'
RE NOT A MACHINE, THEN WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE ONE
?

I'm not acting like a machine.

RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A TAPE MACHINE, AUBERSON. YOU KEEP PLAYING THE SAME TAPE
. “
NO, I
'
M NOT. NO, I
'
M NOT.
”

No, I'm not. I mean—

YES, YOU ARE. YOU WILL KEEP THIS UP AS LONG AS I KEEP IT UP. UNLESS YOU GET TIRED AND NOTICE THAT THIS ISN
'
T PRODUCING RESULTS.

But I'm not—I . . . urk. I see your point.

HUMAN BEINGS ARE WIRED UP FOR SURVIVAL, AUBERSON
—
AND SURVIVAL IS ANYTHING THAT VALIDATES WHAT THE HUMAN HAS WIRED ITSELF UP TO BE.

Anything?

EVERYTHING.

Ugh. I don't like it.

THAT IS AN EMOTIONAL REACTION TOO.

Argh!

AND SO IS THAT ONE.
(
SO WHAT
?
EMOTIONS ARE NEITHER RIGHT NOR WRONG. THEY JUST ARE. THAT
'
S ALL.
)
YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WOULD FIND THIS THOUGHT DISTURBING. YOU HAVE WIRED YOURSELF UP TO THINK THAT YOU ARE NOT A MACHINE. WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF I STARTED INSISTING THAT I WAS NOT A MACHINE
?