When I Lost You: A Gripping, Heart Breaking Novel of Lost Love. (18 page)

‘What would you have me do, Leo? You
brought
me here for perspective. Do you remember what this place was like? Every damned day Andrew and his team worked here there was some vital need they couldn’t afford to meet.’

‘So
explain
it to me.’ I soften a little at the pleading edge to his voice. I don’t sit back down, but I do slide my hands into the pockets of my jeans and meet his gaze again. ‘What happened?’

‘You insisted I help set up.’ This new facility has a permanent martial arts studio with proper flooring, but back in those days space was at a premium so safety mats had to be packed down after every class to expose the basketball court. The mats were surprisingly heavy and unyielding, and I’d been covered in sweat by the time we finished.

That night was the pivotal point in my life. Drew had set up an anti-truancy programme with the local high schools – by attending school consistently, kids could earn a pass to fitness classes and a meal afterwards. Leo explained the purpose of the programme as I watched the karate class, then while he helped instruct the kids I moved into the cafeteria and got chatting to some of the basketball students while they ate spaghetti.

If I live to be a hundred years old, I’ll still remember the way I felt talking to those kids that night. I didn’t go looking for their darkest secrets, but even in the course of small talk with them, I caught my first glimpse into lives marked by struggle and disadvantage. I am wiser now – I understand that these are basic aspects of human existence – but at that stage in my life I had no concept of how other people lived or the challenges they faced.

There was no way I could walk away and go back to my old life after that night. I’d always figured that was why Leo brought me there in the first place.

‘You helped set up for the karate class?’ Leo prompts now, dragging me back to the present.

I nod. ‘I asked Drew why he didn’t just hire another room for the martial arts classes, some place he could leave set up all the time. He quite patiently explained that other than a tiny government grant, the whole place was funded by the local community and the budget only just covered the rent and staff salaries. To me it didn’t make sense that Andrew wasted so much of his time trying to raise money from a community that had so little. That’s what started it all.’

‘So you gave him money?’ Leo surmises, and I frown at the distaste in his tone.

‘Don’t say it like that, you make it sound
sordid
. Anyway, would it have been a problem if I did?’

‘I just know how this works. People like you––’

‘People like
me
? We’re back to that?’ I gasp, and I throw my hands in the air. ‘You still have no idea what kind of person I am.’

‘I’m just trying to understand if what I’m seeing here is the wealthy white person coming into our community and telling us how to fix it,’ Leo says tightly.

I’m done with this – the pinch of disappointment in my chest has twisted so tight that I feel like I’m going to snap. I thought I’d show Leo around the new centre and watch him explore it with joy and excitement, and I’d get the added bonus of pride in his eyes when he looked at me. It didn’t occur to me for a second that he’d be somehow
offended
by it.

He has never given me any indication that he wasn’t on board with the work for the Foundation, but I pause and reflect on his attitude over these last few years. He certainly had moments of enthusiasm, especially when the new gym was taking shape. Recently, he’s been more distant, but I’d only thought about that in the context of
his
work, not mine. Could he have been resentful all along?

I only take a few steps back towards the exit before my indignation grows too great. I spin on my heel so that I can glare at him again.

‘I didn’t
give
Andrew any of my money, Leo – although it would have been none of your damned business if I had. I set up the Foundation with Declan’s shares, and the Foundation bought this building and funded the renovations. The charity is just a conduit – people like your father register programmes and corporations get tax deductibility by sponsoring them. I don’t have a bloody clue how to enact positive social change, all I do is enable the people like Drew to do
their
work. If you’d stop making assumptions about me for five minutes so I could explain, you’d see that the model here works
because
wealthy white people don’t get a chance to tell communities what they need.’

Leo stares at me unflinchingly. ‘You didn’t explain yourself properly,’ he says stiffly.

I realise that
this
is the version of Leo that has been missing since his accident – the arrogant side, the somewhat superior side – the ugly side to him that I saw only later in our marriage.
This
is the side of Leo Stephens that I hate – if only because I have no idea how to deal with it.

‘At what point in this conversation did you give me enough space to explain
any
of that?’

‘I’m sorry, Molly,’ he says, and he exhales heavily. ‘This is confronting. This place meant so
much to me, and it’s nothing at all like I remember it.’

‘Isn’t it
better
?’ I ask, bewildered.

‘It’s… overwhelming.’

The fight drains out of me. ‘Maybe this was a bad idea.’

‘No,’ he says, and he moves towards me. ‘I’m sorry. This is amazing, and you are amazing, and I am an idiot. Can you please show me the rest? Where’s the martial arts studio?’

‘Are you sure? We can leave it here today. We can try again tomorrow.’

He shakes his head. ‘No, let’s do this today.’

I
t takes
hours to show Leo around the facilities we have built. He is a little quiet, but he seems engaged, and he’s particularly excited when he sees the weights room and the martial arts studio.

‘I can’t wait to get back on my feet and use some of this gear,’ he says. ‘And air conditioning? Heating? This is brilliant!’

This reaction is the one I was looking for, but I’m feeling so tender and bewildered by that argument on the basketball court that I can’t enjoy his enthusiasm as much as I want to.

As the afternoon progresses the kids start to filter in after school and gradually Leo is mobbed by adoring fans; he’s always been something of a hero to the kids at the Centre. His theory has always been that his karate classes have earned him that respect but I know it’s much more than that: Leo is proof that a poor start to life does not have to limit them. More than a role model, he is living, breathing hope.

Andrew joins us eventually, and we stand at the back of the studio talking while the kids for the first class of the afternoon assemble at the front.

‘I’m thinking I might stay and watch this junior brown belt class, if you don’t mind,’ Leo tells me. ‘I don’t remember most of the kids in the class and I can’t help, obviously, but…’

‘Of course,’ I say, and I motion towards the chairs in the viewing area behind us. ‘I’ll wait too – I haven’t watched a class in a while.’

‘Sensei Leo, please, will you run the class tonight?’ the young instructor calls suddenly from the front of the room. All of the kids in the class turn to stare, and Leo winces.

‘Not really in a position to do that just yet, Joe.’

‘But you
could
just coach us. It’s a brown belt class so we know our stuff – we’re mostly working on fitness and technique – just assign the exercises. If you need anything demonstrated, I can do it.’

‘Do I teach this class often?’ Leo asks Andrew quietly.

‘You haven’t really been here to teach, especially this last year or so. But all the more reason to do so now if you’re up for it.’

Leo hesitates a moment or two, but then I see his posture straighten and he moves the wheelchair to the front of the studio as he barks at the class, ‘Three minutes skipping for warm up, let’s go!’

‘He’s looking good,’ Andrew remarks.

‘Definitely better every day.’

‘His memory?’

‘Returning quite quickly, I think.’

‘And walking? Standing?
Anything
?’

I shake my head, and Andrew sighs.

‘I’ve been doing some research. There are modified styles of karate for students in wheelchairs – I reckon we could advertise… Find enough kids to run a class or two if he was keen, maybe it will help him to accept what’s happened. I’m just not sure if I should suggest he look into it yet.’

‘He doesn’t need to accept this, he needs to focus on his recovery.’

‘Okay, love. You know best,’ Andrew says quietly ‘He’s lucky to have you.’

‘He’d be fine either way. You of all people know what that man is like when faced with a challenge.’

‘And how are
you
doing? You’ve had to deal with so much of this on your own.’

‘I’m tough.’

‘You are bloody not!’ Andrew laughs gently. ‘You’re the biggest softie I know.’

‘I’m tough when it comes to Leo,’ I say. ‘I’ve
had
to be.’

‘This might mark a new chapter for you two.’

‘If he’s stuck in a wheelchair, you mean?’ I speak sharply to my father-in-law, but Andrew’s expression doesn’t change. He’s well accustomed to moody teenagers, so my defensiveness is nothing new to him. ‘I refuse to think of Leo having a permanent disability as a
positive
. If he can’t work, he won’t cope. We have to get him back on his feet.’

‘Sometimes opportunities come to us wrapped up as problems, Molly.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean? I can’t celebrate this. He would be miserable.’

‘I think you and I both know that if he recovers and goes back into the field, one of these days he’ll be coming home to us in a coffin. He has had no rationality whatsoever about the risks he has taken in the last few years. He
can’t
regulate himself. Maybe fate is going to regulate him instead.’

I’m not sure how Leo would react if he knew his dad thought he was better off in the wheelchair, but I’m sure it wouldn’t be good for him. Andrew sighs and hugs me.

‘I never wanted to pry, love, but I’ve seen how unhappy you’ve been. This really could be a fresh start, couldn’t it?’

I think about Andrew’s comments as Leo and I travel back towards the rehabilitation clinic in the van. Do I even want a fresh start with Leo? And would I take one if it came at the cost of him being anchored to me – not by choice, but because of an injury?

I am softening towards Leo, just as I can see his affections growing towards me. But there’s not just water under the bridge behind us, there’s a veritable flow of toxic
waste in our history and Leo’s arrogant display in the basketball gym is a brutal reminder of the things about him that I only discovered after we were married. There is a side to him that I despise, just as there are aspects to him that I will always love, but at the end of the day we
are
done and the sooner I can figure out how to tell Leo that, the sooner I can extricate myself from this pretence that everything is okay.

Leo
has
to get well; he
has
to go back to work and his life. What would he be left with otherwise? Almost nothing now and I couldn’t wish that on him – I just couldn’t. I take a deep breath and I turn to face him. He notices my movement and he speaks before I get a chance to.

‘About earlier––’

But I know where he’s going with this and I wince. ‘Let’s just forget about it.’

‘No,’ he says. ‘We need to talk about this. I was a jerk back there, and I’m really sorry. This life I have now is just so different to the one that I remember, and all of these changes here are good, but it doesn’t feel
like my life anymore. I don’t want to push you away, Molly – I know that I need you. Will you forgive me?’

‘You didn’t need to say that,’ I say, and my words are stiff with guilt, as if he has read my private thoughts.

‘No, I really did,’ Leo sighs. ‘I am trying to take all of this in my stride, if you’ll pardon the pun, but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced and I just don’t know how I could have survived it without you. I can’t afford to treat you like shit when you’re the best thing in my life and I’m going to try harder, I promise you.’

If the last few years have built calluses around my heart, these simple sentences wipe them away effortlessly, and I feel the pull of our connection all over again. Two minutes ago I was ready to dust my hands and walk away – again – and all that it has taken to suck me right back in is another hint of humility from Leo. That’s not because the words are magic: it’s because the love I have for him is alive and well beneath the surface pain. I see that with sudden, startling clarity. I have been and I
am
angry. I have been and I
am
bruised. I have been and I
am
jaded. None of that is fixed. But the reason I went to Rome – the reason I
stayed
in Rome – the reason I am running myself into the ground to help Leo find his memory again isn’t because I feel obligated to: it’s because I want to. For all the hurt that lies between us, I want the very best for Leo. And if there
was
some miraculous chance to start our life together over again, I would give everything in my life to be able to take it with both hands.

‘I can see that I’ve hurt you, Molly. Not just today, I mean. And I
hate
that.’ Now I really don’t know what to say to him. I can’t deny it – I won’t deny it. I let him slip his fingers through mine.‘I’m going to do better. I don’t know if I’ve said that before, and if you already know that I won’t, but I can promise you that I’m going to give it everything I’ve got this time. Okay?’

I nod mutely. When he brings my hand to his lips, I feel weak inside, like my resolve is dissolving and I’m being drawn back to him with every breath we take together. Leo looks at the window, but I stare at our hands in his lap, and wonder how much he means that.

And then for the first time I wonder if Andrew is right. Could this be a fresh start for us? A chance to do it over – and to do it with the benefit of hindsight?

W
e take
Lucien for a walk to a park the next day to make the most of a warm afternoon. I hold the lead and Lucien walks close to me at the left, with Leo pushing himself along on my right.