When I Lost You: A Gripping, Heart Breaking Novel of Lost Love. (22 page)

L
eo left
after breakfast to dress with Andrew at his parents’ home, and Anne and Teresa arrived in his place They were giggling like schoolgirls from the moment they walked through the front door and for a while I forgot about my jitters about my parents.

‘We never thought we’d see this day,’ Anne told me more than once that morning. ‘He’s so old to be getting married, don’t you think? But he loves you so much, Molly. I never thought I’d see him this happy.’

Just the thought that I’d made Leo happy made me feel light inside – and I floated through the morning with his mother and sister. I felt more beautiful than I ever had in my life.

I’d had a dress made for the day – I’d had a picture in my mind and nothing I’d found on the rack had done it justice. For the most part, our wedding would be a modest affair and at Leo’s stubborn insistence we’d agreed to split the expenses down the middle. But I’d insisted on handling the dress on my own, and it was a good thing too – it had been incredibly expensive. It was an ivory lace gown, with a trumpet skirt and capped sleeves, and a little belt of a slightly darker shade of lace that tied right at the point of a deep V-necked back. I wore a tiny pillbox hat, which held in place a netted veil that covered half of my face. Teresa and Anne waited in the living room downstairs while I dressed alone, and when I walked down the stairs to show them, Anne burst into noisy sobs.

We’d chosen a small sandstone church only a few blocks from Leo’s house. There was no bridal party – we’d only invited thirty people anyway, and Anne and Teresa travelled in the car with me to help me manage the dress.

When the limo stopped at the front door, Leo’s mother and sister helped me out, and I looked along the street. It was a densely populated area and the street was lined with cars on both sides. I scanned in each direction, searching for one of the black cars from the Torrington fleet.

Suddenly I felt completely sure that Dad would come. Even if he loathed Leo, he wouldn’t miss this – he just wouldn’t. I was his only living child. I was his only daughter. I was his baby girl. If Mum and Dad didn’t come, I would have no family there at all; it just wouldn’t be right.

‘Teresa,’ I said suddenly, ‘Can you go in and see if my parents are in there?’

She smiled at me and disappeared into the church. I walked up into the lobby too, but as soon as I was inside, a burst of anxiety hit me and immediately I walked back down the stairs onto the footpath again.

‘Molly,’ Teresa said softly, from the top of the stairs. When I looked up at her, she shook her head.

‘They’re coming,’ I said. ‘I’ll give them a few more minutes. What time is it?’

‘It’s five past four, Molly,’ Anne said quietly.

I closed my eyes and pictured the aisle, and imagined Leo waiting at the end, and I wanted desperately to go to him and start our life together. But the thought of walking into that church alone and giving up on my parents was unbearable.

‘My mum isn’t even in there?’ I whispered. I couldn’t cry – I
wouldn’t
cry.

‘I’m so sorry, Molly.’

‘I’ll just give them five more minutes,’ I said suddenly, and I stood there on the footpath clutching my bouquet as I imagined how relieved I’d feel when their car pulled into the street. I heard movement on the stairs behind me and when I turned around, Leo was there. He was wearing the dark charcoal suit we’d picked out together, with an ivory tie the same shade as my dress. Because he dressed so casually most of the time, I was always startled by how handsome he looked in a suit.

‘You’re not supposed to see me,’ I said stiffly. He caught me in his arms, but I tried to hold my face away from him so I wouldn’t smudge my make-up all over him.

‘They aren’t coming, Molly.’

‘But… I don’t have
any
family here,’ I whispered, and I suddenly felt all panicky – how could this be my wedding day?

‘You
do
,’ Leo said firmly. ‘You’re
my
family. And my family is yours now. And…’

He released me and he pulled back his sleeve and showed me the tattoo he’d had made for Declan. ‘And your brother is with us, love. Somehow, he’s here today, watching you – cheering us on.’

‘I know,’ I said, and I clenched my jaw.
Think happy thoughts
, Mum used to say,
just hold the big feelings in until you’re in private
. ‘They should be here, Leo.’

‘I’m sorry, honey.’

‘Dad’s supposed to walk me down the aisle.’

‘Molly,’ Leo said slowly, pleadingly. ‘You don’t need Laith to give you away, sweetheart. You were never
his
to give.’

Leo looked so worried, and I thought about how excited he’d been that morning and how this moment of tension did not belong in
our
special day. I knew, with one hundred per cent certainty, that I was making the right choice and marrying the right man. I drew in a slow breath to fortify myself and press away the last of the urge to cry.

‘Are we still doing this, Molly?’ Leo asked me gently.

‘We are,’ I said, and after a few more deep breaths, I flashed him my most brilliant smile. ‘Of course we are.’

‘Then let’s go,’ he said, and he extended his elbow towards me.

‘
You’re
going to walk me down the aisle?’

He smiled at me. ‘This day is about us, so let’s do it
our
way.’

I
am adjusting gradually
to the bombshells Molly has dropped on me in the last week – a second wave of shocks after the initial shock of her presence in my life. There are so many parallels between my present situation and those moments back in Rome – I was initially sceptical that we were together, but I quickly realised that on some level, I knew it to be true.

Already I feel the same way about the separation. Looking back, I can see that there were signs all along in this last month that something wasn’t quite right between Molly and me. Now that I understand it better, I intend to do something about it. Failure is not an option here – the only thing I am still struggling to believe is how I could ever have considered giving up on us.

I text Molly and ask her to skip our usual afternoon together the day after her scan, and instead, I ask her to dress up and come out for dinner and to bring our wedding album. When the van arrives in the laneway behind our house, I watch her walk from the courtyard into the laneway. She is wearing a stunning purple dress and pearl jewellery, with just the right amount of make-up. Her hair is rolled up tightly and pinned at her neck. She looks classy and polished and she’s
mine
.

I imagine myself running to Molly and wrapping my arms around her, and as I do so, I am achingly aware the skills involved in that movement are as much a mystery to me now as the ability to fly is.

I have
lost
that, I realise, and this revelation is like a punch to my gut.

There is a chance that I will never again be able to stand to kiss her, or
God –
even to lie on top of her in bed while we make love, or to help her reach the jam on the top shelf of the pantry. That’s all gone, for now at least, and it’s my fault. I chose to go to Syria, and according to Brad, I designed that assignment and I even convinced Kisani to let me do it. And now I can’t sweep my wife off her feet to ravish her in the way that she loves to be ravished – the way she
deserves
to be ravished.

‘Hi,’ she says. I try to pull my thoughts back down out of orbit and focus on the other vital part of my life that I’m at serious risk of losing:
Molly
.

‘You look amazing,’ I whisper. She gives me a surprised smile, and thanks me demurely. ‘But where’s the wedding album?’

Molly hesitates and looks back to the terrace behind her. ‘I already locked up…’

‘Could you go back?’

‘Really, Leo – there are so many locks on the door…’

I had particularly wanted to look through the photos with her over dinner, but she obviously has no intention of going back inside and
I
have no intention of starting the night by making her cranky.

‘Maybe we can come back here after dinner then and look through it together?’

‘If you want to.’

Molly clips her seatbelt as the driver closes the door behind her and I lift the bouquet of flowers we picked up on the drive over.

‘What’s this?’ she asks suspiciously, and I present them to her with as much of a flourish as I can manage given that I’m literally stuck on my arse in a chair that’s strapped to the ground.

‘Beautiful flowers, for my beautiful wife.’

‘Right,’ she says, but the suspicion lingers in her voice until she takes the flowers and lifts them to her face. She inhales the scent, and when she lowers them away again, there’s just the faintest hint of a smile left behind.

‘There she is,’ I murmur.

‘There
who
is?’

‘There’s the Molly I remember; the one who could light up the whole world with a smile.’

She rolls her eyes and sits the flowers down onto the seat beside her, and while she’s distracted, I blow out the last of my breath and push all thoughts of my useless legs to the back of my mind. I
will
not
let self-pity ruin this night. It is too important to me – and to us.

‘So where are you taking me? And while I’m asking questions, I should quickly check – who are you and what you have you done with my husband?’

‘Our destination tonight is…’ I trail off dramatically and then I wink at her, ‘a
surprise
.’

‘Not fair, Leo,’ she complains, but she’s laughing.

‘Also – it’s a mystery.’

‘Well, you
are
the writer and I hate to pick you up on this but mystery and surprise, don’t they basically mean the same thing?’

‘Not at all. It’s a surprise because
you
don’t know where we’re going. And it’s a mystery because
I
don’t exactly know why.’

‘Aren’t you a bundle of confusing lines tonight? I can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store.’

I watch her face as the van makes its way down into Sydney’s city centre. She’s looking out the window, and the warm afternoon sunlight flickers across her face at times when it manages to get past the increasingly tall buildings otherwise blocking it. I think I can pinpoint the exact minute she realises where we are going and I’m pleased with her reaction. Her eyebrows lift with the corners of her lips.

‘Figured it out?’ I prompt, and she glances back at me.

‘Maybe.’

‘What a coy response.’

‘I’m pretty sure I know where and why.’

‘I hope so,’ I say wryly. I’ve picked a bar that I can remember visiting, but I don’t know what we were doing there. I only know that while I was there, I felt a pull towards Molly that was deeper and more intense than anything else I’ve ever felt in my life. I assume it was some kind of milestone moment for us, and I can’t wait to find out what it was.

‘So, tell me again why you picked “wherever” it is we’re going?’ she prompts.

‘I’ve been trying to think of somewhere romantic to take you and I just kept picturing this place. I
can’t
remember why it’s special, mind you, which is where
you
and your fully functional brain will hopefully fill in the blanks.’

The van stops and Molly leans forward to look out the window. She sits back and frowns.

‘Leo, where the hell are we?’

‘I thought you’d figured it out?’

‘No, I
thought
you were taking us to the hotel on the next block, which is where we had our reception. And spent our wedding night, actually. So what’s
this
place? It looks like a bar.’

‘It
is
a bar.’ And a
very
upmarket one at that, which is why I assumed she had introduced me to it. ‘Haven’t we been here before?’

Molly frowns, concentrating. ‘I’m pretty sure I’ve never been here before. Are you sure we’re at the right place?’

‘We definitely are,’ I frown too. ‘I have this vivid sense that it’s special to us.’

Molly laughs quietly. ‘Well, this is really awkward, Leo but – you’ve never taken me here. I’ve never even been here by myself.’ I hear her sharp intake of breath, and she whispers. ‘God, Leo! I hope you’re not thinking of someone else…?’

I almost panic at that thought, and I can see from the way Molly’s face contorts that she’s panicking about it too. I try to calm myself with two reassurances. This feeling is definitely related to Molly, I’m sure of it. And I wouldn’t have cheated on her, I know that – I can’t even stomach the idea of it. But it doesn’t matter how confident I am about those feelings – I still have no idea what I was thinking the last time I was here.

‘It’s definitely something to do with you,’ I say, and I’m so frustrated at my own inability to join the dots that I groan and rub my temples. ‘I’m sure something important happened here. Can we go in?’

‘I’m a little nervous, but sure,’ Molly gives a weak laugh. Inside we take a seat at one of the low tables placed around the room. I look at the drinks menu and I
know
that I’ve read it before. Molly is looking around the room.

‘Familiar now?’ I prompt hopefully. She shakes her head and gives me a bewildered shrug.

‘I can say with absolute certainty I have never been here before in my life.’

I realise in an instant that she’s actually right; I wasn’t here with her – I was here
without
her. I still can’t remember why I was in this bar, but I understand now that the reason this place came to mind was because of how far away she felt while I was here. I was missing her so deeply on that last visit that I could almost taste it… but the missing was all messed up with an overwhelming sense of guilt.

This is the first time I’ve had the emotional part of a memory return so strongly without any of the context, and even
that
odd fact seems to suggest that I might not want to remember the details.

‘Remembering anything?’ Molly asks, and I shake my head stiffly and lie.

‘Not yet.’

I see her hesitation and now we are both wondering if I was having an affair again. I don’t know what to say to her. I still feel certain that I wouldn’t have been unfaithful to her – it doesn’t seem to make any sense. But I can’t deny the rock-hard pit of guilt that still lingers in my stomach. Whatever happened in this bar, it wasn’t something that I was sure about – or even something I was proud of.

I sigh and reach for her hand. ‘Well, this is a really pathetic first date.’

‘First date, huh?’

‘Oh yes. The plan was to romance you.’

‘Did you forget that we’re married again?’ she teases. I am still unsettled by the things that I don’t know, but I love the glint in her eyes anyway. I bring her hand to my lips and kiss it gently.

‘Not this time,’ I tell her. ‘But I’d really like to
stay
married, so I thought perhaps I should put some effort in.’

Molly’s smile fades a little, but she doesn’t withdraw her hand from mine.

‘
D
o
you know what this reminds me of?’ Molly asks me, as we’re finishing our meal. I glance at her cautiously, and she surprises me with a contented smile. ‘When we were first married, in that first year, you weren’t travelling much. I’m such a shit cook that when it was my turn to “cook dinner” I usually convinced you to come out somewhere and we’d sit in all kinds of restaurants and chat about absolutely nothing. And it was magical.’

‘And it was
easy
,’ I say. I don’t remember all of the nights she’s talking about yet, but I know the simple contentment they brought us.

‘It
was
easy,’ she echoes. ‘Just like this. So, thank you.’

‘What are your favourite memories from our marriage, Molly? That first year was good, was it?’

‘Oh yes,’ she says, and she hangs onto the ‘s’ in the word a little too long, as if she doesn’t even want to let the thought go. ‘That year was a dream, we were so happy.’

‘What were the best moments?’

‘The simple ones. Moments like those long, lazy dinners out – and when we sat up too late drinking wine on the balcony off the bedroom when the jacarandas were in bloom. And when you washed up by hand, before we got the dishwasher, and I’d come up to you…’

‘And wrap your arms around my waist, and rest your cheek against my back,’ I murmured, and she nods and reaches across the table to rest her hand over mine. We share a smile, and in one moment, I fall completely in love with her, all over again. She’s perfection – and she’s
my
perfection.

I can’t imagine ever
wanting
someone else. It doesn’t make any sense that I would bring another woman to this bar. I try to console myself with the intensity of the guilt. If I
had
for some unfathomable reason met up with another woman here, there’s no way I would have gone anywhere with her afterwards.

‘I loved it when we watched TV together,’ Molly continues with a smile. ‘I loved how you’d be so engrossed in your book that I’d assume that you were ignoring the show altogether – and then something really stupid would happen and you’d suddenly have this in-depth commentary on the entire show and I’d realise that you were
totally
paying attention to it.’

‘I loved the way that you snore,’ I said, and she protests loudly.

‘Excuse me, Leo. I do
not
snore.’

‘You
do
,’ I assured her with a grin. ‘You always have, it was adorable – this classy, beautiful woman in my bed, and she sounds like a buzz saw as soon as she’s asleep. And I read last night in this baby book that pregnant women tend to snore more, too. You probably sound like a dragon with a sinus infection now.’

‘You’re going to pay for that,’ she assures me.

‘Am I now?’

‘You are. Literally. You can pay for dinner.’

I chuckle, then nod and go to the bar. As I return to Molly, I have a sudden impulse to take a walk with her. I’d love to link my fingers through hers and stroll together, swinging our hands between us gently. I look at my thighs, flat and useless against the wheelchair. They are already losing muscle tone and starting to shrink.

‘What’s up, Leo?’ she prompts gently. I’m surprised she even noticed my discomfort, but it reminds me again how well she knows me.

‘The biggest downside to being stuck in a wheelchair is that I can’t hold your hand while I am walking,’ I say. She stands and slips her handbag over her shoulder.

‘Is that really the
biggest
downside?’

I laugh reluctantly. ‘You make an excellent point,’ I say. ‘The
biggest
downside to being stuck in a wheelchair is, of course, being stuck in a wheelchair.’

‘Hopefully not too much longer,’ Molly says, and I glance at her.

‘Do you really believe that?’

‘Of course I do.’

‘Even though I’ve not made any progress at all?’

She shrugs. ‘I’m still certain you will eventually.’

‘And if I don’t?’

‘I told you the other night, I won’t think about that, and you shouldn’t either,’ she says, and she smiles. Her quiet faith in me is a comfort and a reassurance. ‘Let’s go home and look at some photos, hey?’

I’m relieved to leave the bar. Whatever secret it contains, I’m not sure either of us is ready to expose it.