When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (13 page)

Setting of the dialogue: Upon entering the supermarket with his father in tow, Carlo spoke to the clerk at the checkout counter about his missing purchases.

CLERK
: Yes?

CARLO
: When I was here earlier, I bought three steaks, a roast, and two chickens with my other groceries and when I got home, the meat was missing. I want my meat.

CLERK
: Did you look in your car?

CARLO
: Yes,
I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: I don’t think I can do anything about it. [Evasion of responsibility]

CARLO
: I understand how you might think that,
but I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: Do you have your cash register receipt?

CARLO
: (Handing receipt to clerk)
Yes, and I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: (Looking at the receipt) You have six meat purchases here.

CARLO
: That’s right, and
I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: Well, I don’t have anything to do with the meat department [Evasion of responsibility]

CARLO
: I understand how you feel, but you’re the one I paid my money to and
I still want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: You will have to go to the back and see the meat manager. [Evasion of responsibility]

CARLO
:
Will he give me my meat?
[BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: He’s the one to take care of it [Evasion of responsibility]

CARLO
: What’s his name?

CLERK
: Mr. Johnson.

CARLO
: Call him up here, please.

CLERK
: Just go in the back, you’ll find him. [Evasion of responsibility]

CARLO
: I don’t see anyone there,
please call him up here
. [BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: Go in the back, he’ll be there soon. [Evasion of responsibility]

CARLO
: I don’t want to go in the back and wait around forever. I want to get out of here quick like,
please call him up here
. [BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: You’re holding up the line, all these people want to be served. [Guilt induction: don’t you care about other people?]

CARLO
: I know they want to be served, just like I
want to be served.
Please call the meat manager up here
. [BROKEN RECORD]

CLERK
: (Looks at Carlo curiously for a few seconds, walks over to the girl in the check-cashing booth, speaks to her and walks back to Carlo) He’ll be here in just a minute.

CARLO
: Okay.

After a few minutes, the meat manager, Mr. Johnson, walks up to the checkout counter and taps the checkout clerk on the shoulder.

CLERK
: This customer lost his meat purchase.

JOHNSON
: (To Carlo) Where did you lose it?

CARLO
: Here, I never got it from you, and
I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: Do you have the cash register receipt?

CARLO
: (Handing it to him) Yes, and
I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: (Looking at the slip) There are six items from the meat department.

CARLO
: Right three steaks, a roast, two chickens, and
I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: Did you look in your car to see if they fell out of the bag? [Ignorance and guilt induction: you have to be checked up on and are not responsible.]

CARLO
: Yes, and
I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: Is there any other place you could have dropped them? [Ignorance and guilt induction: you are careless.]

CARLO
: Yes, here. And
I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: I meant besides here.

CARLO
: No, and I
want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: Most people who say they lost their purchases remember later that they left them somewhere else. Why don’t you come back in tomorrow if you can’t find them? [Ignorance and guilt induction: you don’t have a good memory and made a mistake!]

CARLO
: I understand why you feel that way, but
I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: It’s getting late and we’re ready to close the store. [Guilt induction: you are keeping me from going home on time.]

CARLO
: I understand how you feel, but
I want my meat
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: Well, I can’t do anything about this myself. [Evasion of responsibility]

CARLO
: Who can?

JOHNSON
: The store manager.

CARLO
: Okay.
Call him over here
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: He is very busy right now. Why don’t you come back on Monday and talk to him? [Guilt induction: he is a busy, important person and you shouldn’t bother him with a little problem like this.]

CARLO
: I understand how you feel, but I’m very busy right now myself.
Call him over here
. [BROKEN RECORD]

JOHNSON
: (First silently looking at Carlo for a few seconds) I’ll go talk to him and see what I can do.

CARLO
: Okay. I’ll be here waiting for you.

Mr. Johnson walks to the back of the store, disappears in a doorway, and then reappears a few moments later in the window of a business office overlooking the merchandise displays. He starts a conversation with a man seated behind a desk. The man behind the desk says something. Mr. Johnson shakes his head and points to Carlo. The man stands up, looks at Carlo, and speaks again. Mr. Johnson replies, shaking his head. The man speaks again and goes back to his desk. Mr. Johnson disappears from the window and moments later walks up to Carlo.

CARLO
: Well?

JOHNSON
: We are very sorry this happened. Why don’t you go back to the meat counter and pick out what you lost.

CARLO
: Right, thank you.

JOHNSON
: Next week we are having a sale in the meat section. Some very good buys.

CARLO
: I’ll tell my wife about it, thanks.

While picking out the meat replacements, Carlo’s father expressed his approval of the way Carlo had dealt with the supermarket staff. He kept saying with amazement in his voice, “If that were me, I would have been looking for the meat in my pockets, underneath the seat in the car, in the closet at home and in the attic!” Driving home, Dad asked Carlo how he was able to do what he did. With some modesty, but no lack of confident self-respect, Carlo replied; “It’s just something I picked up in a course on being assertive at work. If you want, I’ll teach you it.”

In Carlo’s dialogue with the supermarket clerks, you can see how he repeatedly told them, via BROKEN RECORD, what he wanted, his main goal, the replacement of his meat purchases. When other minor goals arose in the discussion, Carlo did not hesitate to use BROKEN RECORD to communicate his immediate wants to the clerks. For example, when told to stand around and wait until they got to his problem, Carlo repeatedly asked that the person who could resolve the problem be brought to him. The purpose of BROKEN RECORD, Carlo had learned, is to transmit a message repeatedly to the person he asserts himself to: “I will not be put off, I can do this all day if necessary”—no matter what manipulative ploys the other person may come up with. The idea of persistently, verbally asserting ourselves, which BROKEN RECORD teaches us, goes hand in hand with most of the remaining verbal skills described. As you will see in the dialogues to come, the things said in being assertive are said over and over again until the desired result—the cessation of someone’s manipulation, a material goal, a workable compromise, a therapeutic effect upon ourself, or the regaining of our self-respect—is achieved.

In first teaching students and patients how to get the most benefit from their practice of BROKEN RECORD, I have them role-play (in groups of four—one
assertor, one manipulator, and two student coaches) the following situation: a door-to-door salesman tries to sell encyclopedias by making the assertive customer feel anxious or guilty. In Carlo’s real-life dialogue, he responded voluntarily to everything that the manipulative clerk or manager said or asked of him. Each of his responses was well thought out, however. Carlo was only saying what he wanted to say. But in the BROKEN RECORD dialogues which Carlo first role-played to learn to be persistent and nonmanipulable, I had him and his fellow trainees literally speak as if they were broken phonograph records. No matter what the other person said, Carlo responded with: “I understand (how you feel), but I am not interested (in buying an encyclopedia),”
spoken in a low-level, relaxed voice
. This procedure was followed to help Carlo to break the belief and habit pattern that makes what he says dependent upon what someone else says first. For example:

Dialogue #2
Learning how
to say “No,”
persistently

SALESMAN
: You do want your children to learn faster, don’t you?

CARLO
: I understand, but I’m not interested in buying.

SALESMAN
: Your wife would want her children to have them.

CARLO
: I understand, but I am not interested.

SALESMAN
: It’s awful hot out here, do you mind if I come in for a drink of water?

CARLO
: I understand, but I’m not interested.

SALESMAN
: You mean you won’t give me a drink?

CARLO
: I understand how you feel, but I’m not interested.

SALESMAN
: You don’t understand or you would want to buy these for your children.

CARLO
: I understand how you feel, but I’m not interested.

SALESMAN
: You just keep saying I understand. Can’t you say anything else?

CARLO
: I understand, but I’m just not interested.

SALESMAN
: Let me ask one question. How old are your children?

CARLO
: I understand, but I’m not interested in buying.

SALESMAN
: Won’t you even tell me how old your children are?

CARLO
: I understand how you feel, but I’m not interested.

SALESMAN
: Let me put it this way, how many children live on this block?

CARLO
: I understand, but I’m not interested.

SALESMAN
: You mean you won’t even answer one question I ask you?

CARLO
: I understand, but I’m not interested.

SALESMAN
: If you don’t want to talk to me, I’ll leave.

CARLO
: I understand, but I’m just not interested.

SALESMAN
: Do you think your neighbor, Mr. Jones would be interested?

CARLO
: I understand how you feel, but I’m just not interested.

With stereotyped BROKEN RECORD training dialogues like this one, Carlo and his colleagues learned how to change this compulsive habit of answering any question or responding to any statement put to them. This habit is based upon our belief that when someone talks to us, we “should” have an answer and “should” respond specifically to whatever the other person says. The first practice of dialogues like this one is surprising to many novice learners. Many of them are unaware of how strong this habit is and how uncomfortable they will feel when they try not to respond automatically to someone’s queries. Well over half of my students have difficulties with this first exercise in learning how to ignore the prompts and questions of other people while assertively taking charge of what they want to say, instead of what the other person wants them to say. Responding in this new way is just not in their repertoire
and these learners need repeated instructions to encourage their breaking this manipulable behavior pattern. When this balking occurs, my “encouragement” is somewhat less than sympathetic for student learners (but not so for more anxious patients). Up to this point, I usually have been a “nice guy” who is only trying to teach them to be more assertive. To help them get the most meaningful learning experience with me, I have found that it is beneficial to have at least one “tough guy” they can successfully cope with. In many classes, I am the only one I can count on to reliably play that role. At this point in their training, I begin to set myself up as
the
resident bastard (whom they can later cope with easily) with “encouragements” to work harder, like:
“What in the hell are you people doing!!!!?
Where in the rule book of life does it say: (deliberately, caustically, mimicking a simple mind reading from an imaginary script I hold in my hands) ‘When someone asks me a question, I will answer it?’ Show me the contract you signed that says that! You mean you didn’t sign anything like that? (silence from the class) Then why in the hell do you act like you had? Do it again and this time do it the way I want you to do it. You don’t answer any questions … You just BROKEN RECORD!”

A few of the students and patients learning to be assertive view, at least temporarily, their assertive rights and the systematic assertive skills as a means for “revenge,” a means of getting back at their manipulators. At least one in every group or class asks a question like: “I understand what you are saying, but how can I use what you are teaching me to get my husband (wife, sister, teen-age child, parent, etc.) to do what I want him to do?” My answer is simple: “You cant!” and if you really examine this student’s question in the light of your own experience with people, this answer makes a lot of sense. You can “con” someone into doing something, you can manipulate someone, and you can assertively say what you want someone to do, but you cannot control another adult’s behavior consistently. If you lie to people and fool them into doing what you want, they can do the same to you; if you manipulate
them into doing what you want, they can do the same to you; but if you assertively say what you want of them, all they can do is say “No” or tell you what they want in exchange, i.e., a workable compromise. Of these three options, the last assertive one is the most productive since it rapidly cuts through manipulation and enables you and the other person in conflict to communicate straightforwardly and work out a solution.