When I Was Five I Killed Myself (8 page)

I closed it, it made me feel funny inside me. I sat down on my bed. Then the door opened up and a chicken walked in my room, it had a comb that was red. It was like skin and flopped from side to side. It climbed up on my bed and started to walk toward me and I tried to push it away. Then there was another chicken and then another one. My room was full of them, and they were all laying eggs and making noise, and then the one on my bed started to peck at my peenie and I got scared and hit it, and the comb on it started to swell up and get big and then I touched it with my finger and white stuff came out on my hand. Then it wasn't a chicken. It was Jessica. She sat on my bed and had her hand up her dress and was looking at me.

“Burton, are you all right in there?” my mom yelled from the stairway, “are you all right?”

I opened the door and rubbed my eyes.

“You've been sleeping,” she said. “Well it's almost time for dinner. Wash your face and come down. And don't mouth off to your father, he's in one of his moods.”

I went in the bathroom and washed. (I used Sweetheart soap, it is my favorite, it has carving on it.) When I went
back into my room to change there wasn't any chickens or Jessica. I put
From Little Acorns
back in my dresser and went downstairs for dinner.

“I thought you were going to study for the Spelling B,” said Jeffrey. He was looking at girls in a magazine, in the underwear ads.

“It's a free country,” I said.

“Perch on this,” he said and gave me the finger, which is swearing. My dad hit him. He was in one of his moods.

For dinner we had brisket. It was delicious and nutritious. Except Jeffrey kept horseplaying. He kicked me under the table. But after dinner he helped me study for the Spelling B.

The Spelling B was two weeks after the zoo. It was Fall, October. (I remember because my dad gave me his yellow windbreaker. It is cool, man, it has big sleeves that are like puffy on me and it is plastic not cloth, only the zipper is broke, that's how I got it.)

For two weeks Jeffrey helped me study. I used
Learn to Spell
, books I, II, and III. Jeffrey had two from before, and Miss Iris gave me one. Also I used a dictionary. Jeffrey asked me words and I spelled them.

First there is the class Spelling B and then the grade Spelling B and then the school Spelling B and then the city Spelling B, and then I don't know what Spelling B. I won my class one on numerous. I got a sticker on my forehead. It was a turkey. (Miss Iris was out of stars.) My mom said she was very proud of me
and took me to Maxwell's after school and said I could pick out an inexpensive toy. I asked for Zorro. He is a model already put together. He is swift. There are lots of models at Maxwell's but Zorro is the biggest. Jeffrey said it's because he's from another company but I think he's Spanish. He was too expensive anyway, so I got a new bag of men. But Mom said if I won the grade Spelling B I could get Zorro.

The night before the grade Spelling B I was nervous. I had pleurodynia. So I took
Learn to Spell, Book I
into the bathroom with me and stayed there and tested myself.

“Burton, what are you doing in there?” my mom said.

“Nothing,” I said.

“It sounds like you're singing ‘Heartbreak Hotel,'” she said. (But it sounded exactly like the record. Exactly.)

The next day I didn't even have nerves, which surprised me but I didn't. I got up and had breakfast and Shrubs called for me like always and then he went into the den and stole candy out of Mom's glass thing like always, and we went. I told him that maybe I would get Zorro from Maxwell's and he said, “Goll.”

At belltime I had ants in my pants. (Not really ants.) We had Ackles the Science teacher for belltime. She is from the South, she calls us “folks.” And also she has a book that she gives you an E in when you're bad. She calls them “big fat E's.” That morning Marty Polaski got up for Show and Tell. He said, “Yesterday I was at
home building an electric chair when I had an accident and cut off my finger. But I picked it up off the floor and put it in a little box so I wouldn't lose it. And here it is.” He took out a little white box and inside was cotton and on the cotton was his finger. Miss Ackles turned white like she was going to ralph. Marcie Kane layed down on the floor, she died. And then Marty showed us, there was a hole in the bottom of the box that he stuck his finger through. (He got a big fat E from Miss Ackles.)

Then a girl came into the room and said, “Would the finalists for the Grade Three Spelling B please come with me to room 215.” And I went.

In room 215 all the children stood against the wall like a firing squad. Miss Iris and Miss Krepnik sat in the middle of the room on teachers' chairs. Miss Krepnik took her mean pills, you could tell. I stood across from the window side of the room and looked out. It was Fall and the leaves were falling off the trees. They went bald.

Room 215 is Miss Iris' room. It still had the bulletin board in it that I made for Open House. (Open House is when you come to school at night with your parents and stand in line to meet your teachers and hear them lie about you. The bulletin board was of a horse that said “Gallopin' Good Grades!” and they put papers on it. I made it. I am an artist, I am good at drawing. Miss Verdon the Art teacher says I have talent. I like to make bulletin boards. You get to use teachers' scissors which are pointy and could put an eye out.)

When everyone was quiet Miss Iris told us the rules of the Spelling B.

“We will ask each student one word at a time. You may ask us to repeat it. You may ask us to use it in a sentence, but once you begin to spell we can't say anything else and you can't change your mind once you've begun.”

Then the door opened. It was Miss Lipincott. She is a teacher. She had someone with her. She was pulling her by the arm. It was Jessica.

“Now you just take your place with the others, young lady,” Miss Lipincott said. “Hurry up.”

Jessica gave Lipincott a dirty look. She had a book with her. It was black, from the library. “You'll have to put the book down, young lady,” said Miss Krepnik. “You can't have a book with you during the Spelling B.”

“I had to practically drag her here,” said Lipincott.

“Why?” asked Miss Iris.

Lipincott turned to Jessica and said, “Why?”

“How the hell should I know?” said Jessica. (It was nasty language. In front of teachers, everyone froze.)

“I'm not going to encourage that filthy mouth of yours by pursuing this further,” said Lipincott. “Now you just put that book under a desk and we'll get on with this.”

Jessica waited for a minute, but she put the book under a desk. Miss Krepnik said, “Thank you, Fran,” to Miss Lipincott, who left.

Then the Spelling B started.

Miss Krepnik asked Mike Funt brat.

“Could you use it in a sentence, please?” said Mike.

“Yes. He is a brat.”

“Brat. B R A T. Brat.”

Miss Iris asked Marion Parker roam.

“Could you use it in a sentence, please?”

“Yes. I like to roam.”

“Roam. R O A M. Roam.”

Miss Krepnik asked Tommy Halsey bicycle.

“Bicycle. B Y—.” But he knew he goofed. He almost started to cry and sat down.

Miss Krepnik asked Ruth Arnold bicycle.

“Could you use it in a sentence, please?”

“Yes. I have a bicycle.”

“Bicycle. B I C Y C L E. Bicycle.” She spelled it smiling. I hate Ruth Arnold, she is always the teacher's pet because she is so smart and plays the violin. Once I asked her a riddle:

Ruth Arnold couldn't. So I told her, “I T. It. Ha ha.” To be candid, I would like to kill Ruth Arnold. One time in Social Studies she told on me because I was showing Shrubs how to make it look like you're pulling your thumb off. I got sent out in the hall and had to miss a test and then Crowley gave me an E on it, and I wasn't even talking. (It was pantomime. We learned it in Homeroom in a Unit entitled “Let's Put On a Play!”)

Miss Iris asked me autumn. I spelled it easy, I didn't even ask for a sentence. But Ruth Arnold raised her hand and said, “Miss Iris, that isn't fair because it has
the word autumn right on the bulletin board. It says on the papers, ‘An Autumn Poem.' Burt made the bulletin board, he saw.”

“I did not, you lie!” I said.

“That was not a signal to talk,” said Krepnik. But she said Ruth Arnold was right and Miss Iris had to ask me another word.

“Well just a minute, Helen,” said Miss Iris. “I don't think it's fair that Burt should have to spell an extra word. Besides, he didn't put those papers up there, I did. He just put up the bulletin board.”

“Then I'll give the word,” said Miss Krepnik.

“You will not,” said Miss Iris. She was turning red and all the children stared.

“Look, it's on the board,” said Krepnik.

“Are you crazy, he can't see the board from there.”

The two teachers got real angry and looked daggers at each other. Then Miss Iris said that if anyone was going to ask me another word it would be her. So she asked me alternate.

“Could you use it in a sentence, please?” I said.

“Yes. The teachers who give the words at a Spelling B are supposed to alternate.”

“Alternate. A L T E R N A T E. Alternate.”

Then Miss Krepnik asked Joan Overbeck destroy. And Miss Iris asked Irving Klein neglect. And Miss Krepnik asked William Gage wholesome, but he got it wrong, only he wouldn't sit down. Miss Krepnik said to sit down but William wouldn't, he just stared at the floor. He didn't want to be out. So Miss Iris said,
“William, Honey, listen. These are the rules and we've got to obey them. There will be other chances for you next semester. I bet your parents will be very very proud of you when they hear how far you got.” Then William sat down and Miss Krepnik looked daggers at Miss Iris again.

Then it was Jessica's turn. Miss Iris asked her receive but Jessica looked like she didn't hear.

“Jessica.”

“What?”

“Receive.”

“Receive what?” said Jessica. Everybody laughed. Krepnik got real mad. “Receive is your word, young lady. Spell it please.”

“I T.”

“Jessica, maybe you would prefer to go straight to the office and forfeit your right to be in this Spelling B,” said Krepnik. “Is that what you want? Do you think your parents would find that amusing?”

Miss Iris said, “Jessica, either spell the word or you may take an E in spelling for the whole semester. Is that clear?” She was mad too.

But I thought something. That Jessica is very smart in school and that she would win the Spelling B, and not me. I got very nervous.

“Receive,” said Miss Krepnik.

“Could you use it in a sentence, please?”

“Yes. I like to receive things.”

“Receive,” said Jessica. “M P X L Y H H O. Receive.”

Nobody said anything, they just stared. Jessica just stood there. Then very quiet Miss Krepnik said, “Go to the office, young lady.”

Jessica got her book out from under the desk and walked out the door.

Dave Sutton went “Dum de dum dum.” (It is the music from “Dragnet,” on tv.) “That was not a signal to talk,” said Krepnik.

Then the words got hard. The students couldn't spell them and they went down. Helen Tressler went down on cellophane. So did Audrey Burnstein, who has braces, and five students went down on yacht until Ruth Arnold spelled it. She also got nausea and incriminate. I spelled decorum and hospitable. Then there were only four of us left. Nancy Kelton went down on fertilizer and so did Sidney Weiss. But Ruth Arnold got it. Then it was just her and me.

Miss Iris asked me gratitude.

“Could you use it in a sentence, please?”

“Yes. I have a lot of gratitude.”

“Gratitude. G R A T A T U D E. Gratitude.”

“Ruth Arnold,” said Miss Iris. “Gratitude.” And I knew I spelled it wrong. Suddenly I felt like I was going to fall down. I had lost the Spelling B.

Ruth Arnold said, “Gratitude. G R A T T I T U D E. Gratitude.” She spelled it wrong too. I almost laughed.

Miss Krepnik asked me aisle.

“Aisle. A I S L E. Aisle.” I guessed but I was right. Then Miss Iris asked Ruth Arnold conniption.

“Conniption. C O N I P T I O N. Conniption,” said Ruth Arnold.

But I knew it. I knew it because my mom says that I have them, so one day I looked it up in the dictionary and I knew how to spell it. I spelled it. Then Miss Krepnik asked me necessary.

“Necessary. N E C E S S A R Y. Necessary.”

Miss Iris started clapping. Krepnik looked at her, but I had won the Spelling B for the whole third grade and I started clapping too. I clapped for me. Miss Krepnik said it wasn't called for but I clapped and clapped. I clapped until all the other children were gone. Miss Iris kissed me on the forehead and said, “Why don't you go down to the office and collect your prize. Here's a pass.”

I did.

Outside the office somebody was sitting on the bench in the hall where the bad kids sit when they wait to get yelled at by the principal. It was Jessica. I went past her, into the office, I didn't say anything to her because she didn't see me because she was reading her book. I asked the secretary with red hair about my prize. It was a dictionary. She said to wait outside on the bench. So I did. Jessica was still reading. I saw the book, it was
The Black Stallion's Sulky Colt
.

The bell rang for classes to pass. Everyone went in their lockers. They saw me sitting on the bench. I said, “I'm not bad, I just won the Spelling B,” so they wouldn't think I was bad. But Jessica didn't say anything, she just read. After a while she put the book down and
looked out in the hall, but not at anybody. At nobody. And she said, “By now I bet he's in Wyoming. He started in Montana with the whole herd, he is the leader because he is the biggest and the wildest, no one can ride him except me. But now he is coming alone.”