When Life Turned Purple (6 page)

“I don’t want you to be alone right now.”

“So why don’t you stay with me?”

The question hung in the air between them. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to prolong the feelings she apparently still held for him. He didn’t want this overlap of Emma into his new life with Lia. He’d shut the door on the past with Emma, and now it was hanging open like an overstuffed closet spilling out. And he didn’t know how to help her now. It seemed like there was no end in sight. He couldn’t bring her pregnancy back and he couldn’t get back together with her. There was nothing he could do.

“It’ll help if I stay with you now?” he finally said.

“So you’re not so into her after all,” Emma said softly. “You still have feelings for me.”

Russ hit the steering wheel with the palm of his hand. “Damn it, Emma! That’s not it!” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her lean away from him, her eyes wide. He took another breath. “Listen, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that happened. I can’t fix anything. I can’t change what happened. But I just thought the least I could do is—is—”

“Is what?” she said softly.

“I don’t know. Just—whatever.” He slowed the car. “Where do you live now?”

She told him and he turned the car around. They drove in silence until Russ said, “What about a doctor?”

She scowled.

“I
know
it’s not hormonal,” he said through gritted teeth. “I get that, okay? I’m with you on that. But still. This is like a major depression or something. You could go on anti-depressants for a while, go to therapy, and figure out some way to deal with this. Because what happened—it happened. And neither one of us can take it back—even though we both wish we could. You need to find someone to help you deal with this and go forward.” Russ paused to check out her reaction. Emma sat leaning against the door, staring at nothing. “I’ll help you with that. I’ll pick you up and take you where you need to go, if you want.”

Still no response.

Finally, Emma said, “I did that already. I was on Prozac. But I was just really tired all the time at the beginning, and then I would get kind of hyper and blurt out all these stupid things. I insulted clients and lost my job.”

Russ didn’t know what to say to that. He turned onto her street and kept a look out for the right number.

“Is this it?” he said.

Emma nodded.

He helped her out of the car and supported her up to her apartment. She sank onto a taupe leather couch, and Russ took the crocheted blanket draped over the back and spread it over her. Then he took out his wallet and pulled out all the bills he had and lay them on the end table. Emma just watched him without saying anything.

Russ looked around. Food-encrusted disposable plates and cups lay scattered around and crumbs littered the carpet. He went to the kitchen, hit the button on the electric kettle and found a packet of green tea. With a plastic spoon, Russ dabbed some honey into a stray plastic cup and he brought her the tea. She just stared at it, so he put it down on the table in front of the couch.

“Do you want me to stream something from Netflix for you?”

She just shook her head.

Though Russ itched to go, his feet felt cemented to the floor. “Emma, let me call someone. I don’t want to leave you here alone.”

She swallowed and without looking at him, she said, “You already left me. Alone.”

He blew out the tension building up inside. “I told you—I’m sorry. I am really sorry. I just didn’t realize. I honestly didn’t know.”

Emma nodded. Then she hugged the blanket around her and said, “You can go. Just go.”

Russ waited another moment.

“Seriously,” she said. “Just go. There’s no point. You don’t really want to be here. And I can feel that loud and clear.”

Russ nodded once, but he remained standing where he was. “Listen, if you need something, if you want something, you know you can call.”

“Can I?”

“Yeah, of course. I mean, now that I know what you’ve been through and what’s going on with you…I know it’s partly my fault.”

Emma sighed and leaned against the couch back. “Goodbye, Russ.”

“Okay. Goodbye.” But he still waited another moment, watching Emma, before he finally went out the door.

Yet once in the car, Russ couldn’t bring himself to key the ignition. He just sat in his car with his hands on the wheel. Then he picked up his cell phone and started tapping. A site popped up showing the diagram of an eight-week-old fetus and a list of its development. Then he looked at a nine-week-old fetus. They didn’t look so human; they looked more like those Pee-Wee dolls from the Eighties but with grumpier expressions. Then he held up his thumb and looked at it. “That’s about the size of a kidney bean,” he mumbled. He tried to imagine the little curled-up creature wiggling its little arms and legs on his thumb tip. It was a weird image, but kind of cute at the same time.

“Losing that little thing is causing her all these problems?” he said to his thumb. Why? She wouldn’t have been able to feel it inside her; it was so small. He tapped the phone some more. He remembered sitting in the waiting room while Emma was undergoing the abortion. It hadn’t taken long. He remembered something about a suction. Or was it a vacuum? It hadn’t sounded so bad.

“This way, the tissue is gently removed from the uterus,” the nurse had said.

It even sounded soothing.

But reading about it now—feet in stirrups, tools and stuff to numb the cervix and dilate it—Russ started feeling queasy. Poor Emma. But then he read that the suction ripped the baby’s body apart.

“Nah,” he said. The baby was so small, it would just get sucked in whole, right?

Nope. The vacuum was a thin syringe. It took over five minutes to get all the fetal parts sucked in. Then the staff needed to check the pump to make sure that it got all “the tissue.” He wondered how they could know if they got everything if it was all just a formless blob of tissue—so there must be something there. Russ couldn’t help thinking about the little elbows. And wrists. He shook his head. They probably couldn’t see those. But a head? Legs? A smushed-up little back?

Russ shuddered involuntarily.

Could that little kidney bean baby feel pain at that stage?

He surfed some more and noticed that all the sites mentioned things like guilt, depression, and anger as normal possible reactions after any kind of abortion.

“People don’t feel that way after getting their tonsils or appendix removed, eh?” he muttered. “Just a blob of tissue…hmph.”

He checked some sites about what to expect after getting tonsils out or an appendix removed. Sure enough, there was no mention of guilt or anger or depression or a sense of loss while recovering from the procedure.

And an appendix is even bigger than a kidney bean.

He leaned his elbows against the wheel and rubbed his face with his hands. “Oh, man, Emma. Oh, man, did I screw up. Poor babe.” He gunned the motor and pulled out. He would try and think of who he could call to help her. It wouldn’t be enough, but it would be something.

In the end, he called her sorority and talked to a couple of the “sisters” whose names he remembered. He didn’t say why, but just asked them to check on Emma and keep tabs on her a bit. He hinted something about her having lost her job and being kind of upset about that. They cooed at him, suggesting that if he still cared about her, then maybe he and Emma should get back together? But they lay off him when he told them he was engaged.

Feeling like he’d done all he could for now for Emma, Russ focused on his upcoming wedding. He and Lia set a date based on when the wedding gown Lia decided to rent would be ready.

Russ shook his head when she told him. She possessed this bizarre unpredictability in that she was so deeply sensitive, yet so completely unsentimental at the same time. He never knew when he would be dealing with her raw, sensitive side or her businesslike rational side.

They made an appointment with a retired judge who frequented Russ’s store, and Russ showed up to his home with Evan and Edison. Edison had decorated Russ’s car for the occasion. Evan held the wedding ring—a band of sterling silver with
Lia and Russ Martin
engraved on the inside. They waited in the judge’s spacious living room for Lia.

Russ was pacing back and forth on the blue carpet in front of the large windows, his hands in his pockets and letting out an impatient whistle every so often.

“Sit down, boy,” said the judge with an easy grin.

Russ shook his head and bounced on his feet.

“Well, at least have a drink! What do you say I make us all some Tom Collins?”

“Nah, thanks, Judge. But that’s okay.” He could only imagine how Lia would freak out if he tried to kiss her for the first time reeking of gin and lemons.

Finally, he heard the crunch of gravel as Lia pulled into the driveway.

“Oh, man,” he said, sucking in a deep steadying breath and running his fingers through his hair.

They all rose to their feet when Lia knocked at the door.

Russ blew out his breath again.

The judge chuckled. “Well, young man, don’t keep that lady waiting!”

Russ started, then squared his shoulders and marched over to the door. He yanked it open and froze.

Lia looked like an anime fairy princess come to life.

Her lashes were longer than he’d believed possible and her eyes were large, dark, and smokey. A V-shaped tiara rested on top of her head with long wavy locks of Lia’s onyx hair cascading down beneath it. She wore a satin wedding gown that was basically white, but turned iridescent lavender in the light. In one hand, she held up a bouquet of white roses.

Russ gulped and didn’t move.

“Aren’t you going to invite your lady in?” said the judge coming up behind Russ and slapping him on the back. Looking at Lia, the judge said, “Well, now I understand you, boy.” To Lia, he said, “Aren’t you just the prettiest little bride?”

“Thank you,” said Lia, but she smiled at Russ.

Russ’s heart gave a little leap when she did that. She was his! This vision of otherworld beauty belonged to him now. He swallowed again and tried to smile.

“Step aside now, boy,” said the judge as he pulled Russ back. “You’re blocking the aisle.”

Edison cooed and squealed as Lia came in and Lia told Edison how much she liked the decorated car.

Evan stood there grinning.

Then Russ and Lia stood together and the judge married them.

Russ had asked him not to say he could kiss the bride because Lia had made it clear that she wanted their first kiss to be in private. So when the judge got to that part of the ceremony, he just winked at Russ.

Then they got into Russ’s car, which Edison insisted on driving. Evan drove his car behind them all the way to the hotel. Then Edison switched to Evan’s car, and they waved at Lia and Russ as they drove off.

It was like being royalty. People in the lobby came up and congratulated them. The women also commented on Lia’s beauty and unique gown while the men eyed her silently and shot appraising glances at Russ. He knew what that meant. They wanted to ask him how he’d snagged such a hottie. But he tried to ignore them so he wouldn’t punch them in the face for checking out his girl—his
wife
—damn them all to Hell.

***

Everything went fine with Lia.

And Russ had to face it: It was pretty cool not to have to wonder how the evening would turn out. No more tension about when he should make his move and how far she’d let him go.

And there really wasn’t anything wrong with her after all. He’d known there wasn’t, but you can never really know until you’re there. And the way she kept thanking him and hugging him until they finally fell asleep....

Russ had never felt more on top of the world.

Now they ordered room service, but would go out later.

They decided to see all the Washington State stuff: the Arboretum, the Olympic Rain Forest, islands you could only get to by ferry, and even a trip up the Space Needle to sit in the revolving restaurant, which ended up holding only tourists—except for Lia and Russ.

“You know what always bothered me about the story of the Wheedle on the Needle?” Lia asked over brunch at SkyCity, referring to the folklore based on the round red light at the top of the Space Needle. It was said to be the magical nose of a mountain creature called the Wheedle that came to Seattle to escape all the noise from human visitors and was given heavy-duty earmuffs by the mayor, which enabled him to finally sink into a peaceful sleep. “Something that big and furry couldn’t possibly lie down on the point of a needle. I mean, the diameter just doesn’t work out.”

Russ thought it over as he chugged down some black coffee. “He carried clouds with him,” he said. “Remember? He had that big bag of clouds. I think he stretched out on those.”

Lia leaned forward on her elbows, resting her chin in her hands. “You know what’s cool about being married? I don’t have to worry about the usual stuff. Like, who cares if I get pregnant?”

Russ gagged on his omelet, but tried to cover it up by swigging more coffee.

Lia frowned in concern. “Are you okay?”

Russ nodded and gave her reassuring smile.

She smiled back, gazing at him like he was a terraformed Saturn.

Oh, shoot…if she would get pregnant now....

But he didn’t want to say anything to dim the adoring light in her eyes. Babies and kids never sounded like much fun to him, but he knew that for a lot of girls, part of falling in love was imagining having a baby together. He supposed he’d want it someday, but definitely not now. He decided to talk some sense into her later.

Maybe she’s already pregnant?

Well, if she was, then she was. And he’d deal with each thing as it came.

Lia opened her mouth to say something, but Russ stood up and pointed toward the restrooms. He figured she was about to start talking about what the baby would look like, and ask him the usual lovey-dovey questions, like if he wanted a boy or a girl, or who he wanted the baby to look like, and so on—when he didn’t want a baby at all.

He went and leaned against the window, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He felt his phone there and remembered that he hadn’t checked it since they got married two days ago.

One message was an email from Emma sent on their wedding night.

Russ rolled his lips between his teeth, mulling over whether to delete it without reading it. On one hand, he’d offered her help. And maybe she was taking him up on it, like asking for him to cover what her insurance wouldn’t. On the other hand, why would she send a request like that right on his wedding night? That kind of behavior seemed more like a crazy girl who just can’t let go.

Maybe he shouldn’t have taken her home that time when she came to his store. Maybe he should have just called a taxi and then called her sorority sisters and told
them
to contact him if there was something he could do for Emma. Yeah, that would’ve been better. Lots of girls have had abortions. The sorority sisters would be able to talk to Emma and help her get her act together. He realized now that he probably made things harder for her by being so accommodating at that time.

He pressed
Delete
knowing that it would just go into the Trash, where he could retrieve for the next thirty days if he wanted.

Russ stuffed the phone back into his pocket and strode back to where Lia was. “If you’re done, we can swing past home and get ready to go to our next stop on the list,” he called out.

Smiling, Lia sat up and put her purse strap over her shoulder. “Home,” she said. “It’s not your place’ or ‘my place’ anymore. It’s ‘home.’ For both of us.”

Russ smiled back. He liked the sound of that, too.

***

After finally getting everything packed up, Lia sat on the bed in a room he’d painted light peach for her, posting a
Surprise—we’ve eloped!
announcement on Facebook and sending out tweets and a few emails. They’d chosen to move into Russ’s place because Lia’s lease was almost up and anyway, Lia couldn’t stand her landlord. It was cramped, but they decided it was worth it. Besides, they’d save up to buy a home and invest in decent furnishings then.

Russ got everything organized into the car on his own, which he did quite skillfully, if he did say so himself.

When he came back, Lia was staring at her phone, her mouth slightly open and her skin even paler than usual.

“What happened, baby?” he said. Her demeanor worried him, but he tried to joke. “Don’t tell me—they finally found an asteroid that really is on a head-on collision with Earth?”

Lia looked up at him and closed her mouth. Not taking her eyes from his, she held up her phone.

It was an email from Emma.

He glanced at Lia and said, “She’s crazy now. Just....”

“Read it,” said Lia.

He took the phone from Lia and read:

Hey there, you vampire beeyotch,

I bet you don’t know who I am. I bet Russ has never mentioned me to you. But tonight, you’re wearing the dress I was supposed to wear and marrying the man I was supposed to marry. And you’ll be having the baby I was supposed to have. But never will.

Me and Russ killed our baby. And then he dumped me. Real life is too messy to actually stay in a relationship. So how’d YOU managed to hook him? Well, just wait till real life hits, wait until you get sick of dealing with his garbage, when you can’t stop crying, when things don’t stay so pretty and the bad times don’t go away so fast. And then he’ll dump you and move on to somebody more convenient and less real. Until stuff gets to be too much again. And you’ll be left like me—a fat ugly chipped shell of what you were before he got a hold of you.

I hate this. I hate you. And I really, really hate him. But most of all, I hate myself. And there’s no point in me polluting the atmosphere anymore with all the carbon dioxide I expel. So I’ll be gone by the time you get this. And I hope it ruins the honeymoon that should have been mine.

Wishing for you to both drop dead,

Emma King

Russ looked from the phone to Lia several times before saying, “She was totally not normal. She was like bi-polar or something. I mean, by the time we broke up—that’s
why
we broke up. Because she’d gotten so crazy—”

“Did you guys have an abortion?”

Russ’s voice caught in his throat. Then he said, “We didn’t know. We just thought—”

“Russ. Did you guys have an abortion?”

“Well—yes.”

Rubbing her lips together, Lia nodded to herself. “That’s really tragic.”

“We didn’t know,” said Russ. “In fact, I didn’t know that she actually wanted to keep it or that she wanted me to marry her and raise it together. She didn’t really say. I found out later that she’d hinted about it, but I didn’t pick up on it at the time.”

Lia looked away from Russ and leaned back against the headboard.

Russ came to sit near Lia’s feet. Then he found himself telling her all about the time when Emma came to his store and what happened then, and what Emma said and how he tried to help her.

Lia just listened the whole time, her cheek resting against her wrist as she watched Russ talk.

When he finished, he just gazed at Lia, hoping for—what? Forgiveness? Absolution?

Lia dropped her hands into her lap, interlacing her fingers together. “There’s a spike in the suicide rate after an abortion. And depression, nightmares, addictions—it’s all common after an abortion.”

“But lots of girls have abortions,” said Russ. “And everyone seems fine.”

Lia gave him a wry smile. “That’s sort of the plague of our society today. Everything always
seems
fine—even when it’s not.” She looked solemn again. “It doesn’t always hit them right away. Sometimes, it’s not until she’s pregnant again—this time, with a baby she wants to keep—and in going through the normal process of studying the different stages, she discovers that a 2-month old fetus is not just ‘a clump of cells’ or ‘a blob of tissue.’ And it sometimes happens after her baby is born that she wonders what life would have been like with the first baby, and what that baby would’ve been like.” She sighed. “And then there are some pretty freaky stories about children who have no idea they were born after an aborted sibling, and then suddenly they’ll say something like, ‘I dreamed about my big brother.’ Or an only child draws a family portrait that includes two older siblings—never knowing that her mother had two abortions before she was born.”