When Saint Goes Marching In (44 page)
Read When Saint Goes Marching In Online
Authors: Tiana Laveen
Xenia
had barely spoken to him since their night of passion. He had called her and texted her, only to receive messages such as:
‘I love you, haven’t forgotten about you. Taking care of some things.’
Her vagueness made him uneasy and he found her hard to read. She seemed to be a moving target. Whenever he’d settle into bed to try to harness her energy and figure out what she was thinking and what she was up to, she’d drift away and evaporate like smoke, causing him unbelievable frustration. Saint cracked his knuckles and his ears picked up the closing statements from the last speaker. The host re-approached the stage.
“Without further ado, we bring you Dr. Saint Aknaten!”
The entire audience seemed to come alive with ladies clapping, whistling and jumping up and down as if he were a sexy R&B singer. Scarface and Too Short’s song, “Fuck Faces” started to play. Saint smiled appreciatively as he stood and took the stage. He moved around, his microphone pinned tightly to his suit jacket.
The silence returned and the music slowly faded. You could hear a pin drop.
“I want to thank all of you beautiful ladies for coming out tonight,” Saint finally said.
“We love you, Saint!” someone screamed. “And you are so fine!” Laughter erupted. Saint grinned.
“I love you, too, and thank you, Queen!” There was more applause. “Tonight, you’ve heard from some very talented people who want you to have the very best in life. Whether that best is with a Black man or not is not my focus. I don’t care who it is with, I just want you to have it. By expanding your options, however, you help ensure that you get what you deserve. Now, they saved me for last tonight because I’m going to talk about sex.” More applause and laughter erupted from the audience. “So, I can’t imagine why I’d be the last speaker,” he said with humor.
“Some of you have never been with a man, sexually, who wasn’t Black. That may scare you, the unknown. I know you’ve heard it before in various ways from other people, but let me reiterate this. He is just like the brothas you’ve dated, his skin is just lighter and his hair texture, different. Everything else is the same. Please don’t believe this myth, ladies, about the penis size. I’m trying to watch my language tonight, because I’m in front of women, but…”
Someone screamed out, “No, say how you feel! Talk to us like you do the guys!” The crowed tittered.
Saint’s voice boomed. “Really?” he laughed. “You really want me to talk dirty to you?” More people laughed and clapped. “You all are future Empresses. I thought you were ladies?” he teased. “OK, fine.”
There was thunderous applause as Saint took off his microphone, removed his blazer and stood in his fitted white shirt.
“Goddamn!” someone yelled, drawing more snickers and giggles from the crowd. Saint put his microphone back on, this time attaching it to his shirt.
“Now remember, you asked for this. I tried to be nice,” he warned.
“Come on, Daddy! We can take it!”
“You can take it, huh?” Saint licked his lips.
“Yes, you sexy son of a bitch. Bring it!”
Saint shook his head. “OK, here it is, ladies. If you want to be fucked right, the man has to first get into your spirit, your mind, your desires. Fucking is an art. If a man thinks that because he is Black, he has the monopoly on big dicks and that is all he needs to woo you, then you will be lying there disappointed while his ass is asleep with a goofy grin on his face. You didn’t get shit except no orgasm and utter disappointment! He may have even had you suck his dick and he didn’t extend the same courtesy by eating your pussy or if he did, it lasted all of thirty seconds and he did it all wrong.” That got the crowd going. “If that man is in love with you, he will do anything, and I mean
anything
, to please you. He will eat your ass, eat your pussy for hours on end if that is what’s needed, and he won’t bust his nut until you get at least one in first. All of you can have multiple orgasms. If you have a pussy and a clit, you can have them. If you’re not having them, then your man is not doing it right. I help teach men how to fuck, amongst other things, so that they can be better lovers for you. Sex is not everything, but it is crucial, it’s important. It’s the glue that helps bind you two together because of what it means and what it does to your core.
Saint spotted quite a few heads nodding as he spoke. They could relate.
“Ladies, you release Oxytocin. Men do too, but it doesn’t have the same ramifications. Men release dopamine, which is purely pleasurable and makes us less attached after physical intimacy because it is strictly pleasure seeking and it’s all about us getting a nut. Dopamine is addictive. It can make some men sex addicts. Oxytocin is a natural and nurturing high that you ladies produce quite a bit of. It is a naturally produced hormone in your body that goes into overdrive when you’re being sexually stimulated but I also believe, as well as some of my colleagues in the sex therapy field, that it causes women to become more emotionally attached to your partners.” He paused briefly.
“The better a man is in bed, the more Oxytocin you’ll produce. That’s one reason why so many women have trouble leaving a man who treats them badly but is really good in bed. It isn’t because they are a glutton for abuse, it’s because they’ve become addicted to him! They have a physiological response when that son of a bitch walks through the damn door. Their pussy gets wet just from hearing his damn voice on the phone! This is why you have to be careful about who you let inside you.
“If you fuck around with the wrong person, you’ve set yourself up. He doesn’t even have to touch you once the bond is already established. When you are in labor, you release this hormone. It helps bond you to your child. You’re emotional. This is nothing to play with because once that bond is there, it takes three times the power to break it. Did you hear me? Three times the strength! Something you find unbearable has to happen and you have to reach your breaking point because it’s never easy to just walk away once this is set in motion.
“Sex is more than physical that is why it’s so important. Good sex, however, is not enough to sustain a marriage. The relationship has to be on solid ground. There has to be mutual respect. There has to be a coming of togetherness. Because the perfect man for you may be Caucasoid, Mongoloid, or Native American, you have to have an open mind. Some of my colleagues have told me about this pink penis phobia some of you have.” The audience roared with laughter. “Inside, your pussies are pink too so it’s a perfect match!” Hundreds of women stood to their feet, laughing and clapping. “Don’t get hung up in colors, get hung up in how that dick makes you feel! Is he making you cum? Are your legs shaking? Are you calling out that mothafucka’s name? Call that mothafucka, ‘Daddy’ because he earned that shit! If he isn’t covered in sweat by the end of that fucking session, then he didn’t work hard enough!” More applause and laughter.
“He is taking care of business! He is providing for you and your family. He accepted you for who you are. You don’t have to wait on him while he gives you no patience at all. You don’t ever want to have to work with a grown mothafuckin’ man! He should have stepped to you, ready to go to war!”
“Yeah!” many cheered.
“He may not be rich, he may not always say the perfect thing, but he loves you. He’d do anything for you. He is a good father and he loves his family. Traditional roles in the family are not sexist, ladies. They worked and they worked for a reason. When we fucked with it, our families got screwed up, royally. I’m not talking about women working outside of the home; I have no issue with that. Most of you know that my own wife has a public career as well. However, her family comes first and it always has. When that man bust that nut in you, and that seed meets your egg, and you two create life, you have to accommodate that. You can’t make life and have business as usual! That is one of the most serious things you’ll ever do. You can create human beings from this shit! Those human beings need to be nurtured; they need a father…not just a man who jizzed in your pussy. Jizzing is easy! We can jizz in thirty seconds!”
He paused to take a sip of water from a glass that was set on a stool to the side of the stage.
“Nurturing that seed is altogether different.” Saint thought about his two sons. “That is what separates the men from the boys. Men’s bodies and sexual connections are just as important as yours yet we are encouraged by society to be promiscuous.” Saint paused as he reflected over his own previous wayward choices.
“You have a brain. You have desires and needs and you want to be loved. You have overlooked Johnny because Tyrone was the same race as you, even though Johnny over here really liked you and showered you with respect. I don’t give a fuck who doesn’t like this or thinks I’m hatin’ on Black men. This ain’t got shit to do with Black men! This is about
you
and
your future husband
, not your future baby daddy!”
Women leapt out of their chairs and applauded.
“Fuck a baby daddy! You aren’t here tonight for a baby daddy. You’re here for a damn King, Queens!” More people jumped to their feet and applauded for what seemed like a full minute, then they slowly sat back down.
“Make him prove he is serious about you. It’s a gift, an honor, to be able to make love with no condom and you shouldn’t just give that to anyone and that goes for men, too. When a man makes love to you, free, with no barriers, he is claiming you! If you let a man claim you, and then he goes away, that leaves your mind, body and soul vulnerable and confused. His body told you he was staying but he fuckin’ left! He lied to you. You let him touch parts of you that are reserved only for your King.
“He wasn’t a King, he was an imposter! A court jester! A peon! You baptized a mothafucka who didn’t want to be saved and born again! He didn’t deserve to hit those walls raw. You gave him a key to the palace and he didn’t even know your goddamn name. Ladies, you have to step your game up. If he isn’t calling you Queen, and meaning that shit, showing it with his actions, then he can’t
cum
into the Queendom! Access denied!” More applause erupted.
“Your pussy is gold. Believe that. Don’t let a man tell you that you aren’t unique, because you are. Some guys will even straight out tell you that your pussy isn’t special, that no pussy is special. Untrue. If that was the case, most men wouldn’t be breaking their neck trying to fuck some
new
pussy. If it was all the same, we wouldn’t care! No one is exactly like you in the entire world so what does that mean?”
“I’m, special, damn it!” someone called out.
Saint’s lips curled up.
“That’s right, you’re special. You’re different. You were different by your birth right. By the time you reached sexual maturity, right before that, your body went through an extreme metamorphosis. Your chemistry completely changed. The way you looked, your hips filled out. Your breasts got bigger. Your ass got fatter. Your face became less rounded. You now had hair under your arms and on your legs and had to be taught how to shave. You grew hair on your pussy. The way you fucking walked, talked, tasted and smelled were all different now. A six-year-old girl moves and smells much different than a twenty-one year old young lady. How does a male lion realize a female is in heat? By the way she fucking moves and smells! I’m not talking about an odor; I’m talking about a smell that only a man can pick up, no matter how well you washed your ass.
“When we are in tune with a woman or interested in a woman we are hunting, we can smell that shit! We may not notice it on a conscious level, but on a deep seated, primitive one, we most certainly do. All of a sudden we are all in your grill!” Laugher echoed throughout the room.
“This is nature and biology, people. It is hard wiring. It is who we are and there is no changing it. Men don’t just watch what they say around you when you’re on the rag because your hormones have made you crazy and moody. “We also try to be more sensitive because we want you calm, because we are in protect mode.” He walked across the stage.
“We are hard-wired, even gay men to some extent, to be breeders, so people, guard your pussy!
had barely spoken to him since their night of passion. He had called her and texted her, only to receive messages such as:
‘I love you, haven’t forgotten about you. Taking care of some things.’
Her vagueness made him uneasy and he found her hard to read. She seemed to be a moving target. Whenever he’d settle into bed to try to harness her energy and figure out what she was thinking and what she was up to, she’d drift away and evaporate like smoke, causing him unbelievable frustration. Saint cracked his knuckles and his ears picked up the closing statements from the last speaker. The host re-approached the stage.
“Without further ado, we bring you Dr. Saint Aknaten!”
The entire audience seemed to come alive with ladies clapping, whistling and jumping up and down as if he were a sexy R&B singer. Scarface and Too Short’s song, “Fuck Faces” started to play. Saint smiled appreciatively as he stood and took the stage. He moved around, his microphone pinned tightly to his suit jacket.
The silence returned and the music slowly faded. You could hear a pin drop.
“I want to thank all of you beautiful ladies for coming out tonight,” Saint finally said.
“We love you, Saint!” someone screamed. “And you are so fine!” Laughter erupted. Saint grinned.
“I love you, too, and thank you, Queen!” There was more applause. “Tonight, you’ve heard from some very talented people who want you to have the very best in life. Whether that best is with a Black man or not is not my focus. I don’t care who it is with, I just want you to have it. By expanding your options, however, you help ensure that you get what you deserve. Now, they saved me for last tonight because I’m going to talk about sex.” More applause and laughter erupted from the audience. “So, I can’t imagine why I’d be the last speaker,” he said with humor.
“Some of you have never been with a man, sexually, who wasn’t Black. That may scare you, the unknown. I know you’ve heard it before in various ways from other people, but let me reiterate this. He is just like the brothas you’ve dated, his skin is just lighter and his hair texture, different. Everything else is the same. Please don’t believe this myth, ladies, about the penis size. I’m trying to watch my language tonight, because I’m in front of women, but…”
Someone screamed out, “No, say how you feel! Talk to us like you do the guys!” The crowed tittered.
Saint’s voice boomed. “Really?” he laughed. “You really want me to talk dirty to you?” More people laughed and clapped. “You all are future Empresses. I thought you were ladies?” he teased. “OK, fine.”
There was thunderous applause as Saint took off his microphone, removed his blazer and stood in his fitted white shirt.
“Goddamn!” someone yelled, drawing more snickers and giggles from the crowd. Saint put his microphone back on, this time attaching it to his shirt.
“Now remember, you asked for this. I tried to be nice,” he warned.
“Come on, Daddy! We can take it!”
“You can take it, huh?” Saint licked his lips.
“Yes, you sexy son of a bitch. Bring it!”
Saint shook his head. “OK, here it is, ladies. If you want to be fucked right, the man has to first get into your spirit, your mind, your desires. Fucking is an art. If a man thinks that because he is Black, he has the monopoly on big dicks and that is all he needs to woo you, then you will be lying there disappointed while his ass is asleep with a goofy grin on his face. You didn’t get shit except no orgasm and utter disappointment! He may have even had you suck his dick and he didn’t extend the same courtesy by eating your pussy or if he did, it lasted all of thirty seconds and he did it all wrong.” That got the crowd going. “If that man is in love with you, he will do anything, and I mean
anything
, to please you. He will eat your ass, eat your pussy for hours on end if that is what’s needed, and he won’t bust his nut until you get at least one in first. All of you can have multiple orgasms. If you have a pussy and a clit, you can have them. If you’re not having them, then your man is not doing it right. I help teach men how to fuck, amongst other things, so that they can be better lovers for you. Sex is not everything, but it is crucial, it’s important. It’s the glue that helps bind you two together because of what it means and what it does to your core.
Saint spotted quite a few heads nodding as he spoke. They could relate.
“Ladies, you release Oxytocin. Men do too, but it doesn’t have the same ramifications. Men release dopamine, which is purely pleasurable and makes us less attached after physical intimacy because it is strictly pleasure seeking and it’s all about us getting a nut. Dopamine is addictive. It can make some men sex addicts. Oxytocin is a natural and nurturing high that you ladies produce quite a bit of. It is a naturally produced hormone in your body that goes into overdrive when you’re being sexually stimulated but I also believe, as well as some of my colleagues in the sex therapy field, that it causes women to become more emotionally attached to your partners.” He paused briefly.
“The better a man is in bed, the more Oxytocin you’ll produce. That’s one reason why so many women have trouble leaving a man who treats them badly but is really good in bed. It isn’t because they are a glutton for abuse, it’s because they’ve become addicted to him! They have a physiological response when that son of a bitch walks through the damn door. Their pussy gets wet just from hearing his damn voice on the phone! This is why you have to be careful about who you let inside you.
“If you fuck around with the wrong person, you’ve set yourself up. He doesn’t even have to touch you once the bond is already established. When you are in labor, you release this hormone. It helps bond you to your child. You’re emotional. This is nothing to play with because once that bond is there, it takes three times the power to break it. Did you hear me? Three times the strength! Something you find unbearable has to happen and you have to reach your breaking point because it’s never easy to just walk away once this is set in motion.
“Sex is more than physical that is why it’s so important. Good sex, however, is not enough to sustain a marriage. The relationship has to be on solid ground. There has to be mutual respect. There has to be a coming of togetherness. Because the perfect man for you may be Caucasoid, Mongoloid, or Native American, you have to have an open mind. Some of my colleagues have told me about this pink penis phobia some of you have.” The audience roared with laughter. “Inside, your pussies are pink too so it’s a perfect match!” Hundreds of women stood to their feet, laughing and clapping. “Don’t get hung up in colors, get hung up in how that dick makes you feel! Is he making you cum? Are your legs shaking? Are you calling out that mothafucka’s name? Call that mothafucka, ‘Daddy’ because he earned that shit! If he isn’t covered in sweat by the end of that fucking session, then he didn’t work hard enough!” More applause and laughter.
“He is taking care of business! He is providing for you and your family. He accepted you for who you are. You don’t have to wait on him while he gives you no patience at all. You don’t ever want to have to work with a grown mothafuckin’ man! He should have stepped to you, ready to go to war!”
“Yeah!” many cheered.
“He may not be rich, he may not always say the perfect thing, but he loves you. He’d do anything for you. He is a good father and he loves his family. Traditional roles in the family are not sexist, ladies. They worked and they worked for a reason. When we fucked with it, our families got screwed up, royally. I’m not talking about women working outside of the home; I have no issue with that. Most of you know that my own wife has a public career as well. However, her family comes first and it always has. When that man bust that nut in you, and that seed meets your egg, and you two create life, you have to accommodate that. You can’t make life and have business as usual! That is one of the most serious things you’ll ever do. You can create human beings from this shit! Those human beings need to be nurtured; they need a father…not just a man who jizzed in your pussy. Jizzing is easy! We can jizz in thirty seconds!”
He paused to take a sip of water from a glass that was set on a stool to the side of the stage.
“Nurturing that seed is altogether different.” Saint thought about his two sons. “That is what separates the men from the boys. Men’s bodies and sexual connections are just as important as yours yet we are encouraged by society to be promiscuous.” Saint paused as he reflected over his own previous wayward choices.
“You have a brain. You have desires and needs and you want to be loved. You have overlooked Johnny because Tyrone was the same race as you, even though Johnny over here really liked you and showered you with respect. I don’t give a fuck who doesn’t like this or thinks I’m hatin’ on Black men. This ain’t got shit to do with Black men! This is about
you
and
your future husband
, not your future baby daddy!”
Women leapt out of their chairs and applauded.
“Fuck a baby daddy! You aren’t here tonight for a baby daddy. You’re here for a damn King, Queens!” More people jumped to their feet and applauded for what seemed like a full minute, then they slowly sat back down.
“Make him prove he is serious about you. It’s a gift, an honor, to be able to make love with no condom and you shouldn’t just give that to anyone and that goes for men, too. When a man makes love to you, free, with no barriers, he is claiming you! If you let a man claim you, and then he goes away, that leaves your mind, body and soul vulnerable and confused. His body told you he was staying but he fuckin’ left! He lied to you. You let him touch parts of you that are reserved only for your King.
“He wasn’t a King, he was an imposter! A court jester! A peon! You baptized a mothafucka who didn’t want to be saved and born again! He didn’t deserve to hit those walls raw. You gave him a key to the palace and he didn’t even know your goddamn name. Ladies, you have to step your game up. If he isn’t calling you Queen, and meaning that shit, showing it with his actions, then he can’t
cum
into the Queendom! Access denied!” More applause erupted.
“Your pussy is gold. Believe that. Don’t let a man tell you that you aren’t unique, because you are. Some guys will even straight out tell you that your pussy isn’t special, that no pussy is special. Untrue. If that was the case, most men wouldn’t be breaking their neck trying to fuck some
new
pussy. If it was all the same, we wouldn’t care! No one is exactly like you in the entire world so what does that mean?”
“I’m, special, damn it!” someone called out.
Saint’s lips curled up.
“That’s right, you’re special. You’re different. You were different by your birth right. By the time you reached sexual maturity, right before that, your body went through an extreme metamorphosis. Your chemistry completely changed. The way you looked, your hips filled out. Your breasts got bigger. Your ass got fatter. Your face became less rounded. You now had hair under your arms and on your legs and had to be taught how to shave. You grew hair on your pussy. The way you fucking walked, talked, tasted and smelled were all different now. A six-year-old girl moves and smells much different than a twenty-one year old young lady. How does a male lion realize a female is in heat? By the way she fucking moves and smells! I’m not talking about an odor; I’m talking about a smell that only a man can pick up, no matter how well you washed your ass.
“When we are in tune with a woman or interested in a woman we are hunting, we can smell that shit! We may not notice it on a conscious level, but on a deep seated, primitive one, we most certainly do. All of a sudden we are all in your grill!” Laugher echoed throughout the room.
“This is nature and biology, people. It is hard wiring. It is who we are and there is no changing it. Men don’t just watch what they say around you when you’re on the rag because your hormones have made you crazy and moody. “We also try to be more sensitive because we want you calm, because we are in protect mode.” He walked across the stage.
“We are hard-wired, even gay men to some extent, to be breeders, so people, guard your pussy!
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