Where did your heart go? (The Heart Trilogy Book 1) (32 page)

Chapter 39

As Charlotte dived under the covers she yawned but was determined to read a bit more of the diaries as she hoped to finish them before the weekend so that she could discuss everything with Mitchell in person rather than over the phone or email. She scanned through the next few entries and then found one of the letters marking a page so she stopped there and started to read.

Thursday 24
th
November, 1988

As I returned from college I hoped that there would be a letter waiting for me from James, the wait between replies seemed to have stretched a bit longer but I put it down to his new job being much more demanding. I smiled as I entered the hallway and say the familiar cream envelope and spiky writing that could only belong to my love. I picked it up and then headed for my room to enjoy hearing about his life, the only link that held our relationship together when we were apart.

Lying down on my bed I couldn’t wait to hear his silent words talking to me from the page in my hands.

Charlotte paused and carefully opened the ragged envelope that was held tight by the pages of the diary. As she undid it she was careful as the paper felt so thin in her fingers as if it might crumble and break apart at any moment, taking with it the secrets it held.

“Dear Stephanie

In the past few weeks I have been thinking very deeply about our relationship and have come to the conclusion that it would be best if we split up. I was trying to work up the courage to tell you this the last time we were together so it could be face to face as I feel I owe you that, but there hasn’t been the right moment or if there was I was too much of a coward to tell you.

The tears that fell when I left you standing in the driveway were genuine tears of anger that I had failed to do this and have had to resort to words in a letter and tears of regret that we can no longer be together.

You have been the best girlfriend a man could ever hope to find in a lifetime but I feel that I have made you grow up too quickly and therefore have not given you the chance to date a few more boys of your own age as I was your first. I am also aware that you have hopes and dreams of our relationship becoming more permanent in the next year as you talk of learning to drive, colleges in Warwickshire and of a daughter called Charlotte. This scared me to death as there are so many more things that can be accomplished before talk of marriage and children should ever be considered, even between two adults who love each other.

Finally the distance between us is proving to be a big problem especially now you are studying media and enjoying your shifts on hospital radio. My job in the Fire Service is extremely demanding and working around your study and my shifts means we are seeing each other less and less. Keeping our relationship growing under these difficult circumstances would take a lot of hard work and effort on both our parts. I also know how much our parting each time we are together makes you crumble, I have seen your tears and I want to stop them so much but I know I can’t.

I hope that you are mature enough to understand my reasons for breaking things off between us and that perhaps we can still remain friends in the future.

Fondest regards

James”

Charlotte
could still see the smudged words that would have happened when her Mum’s tears had fallen and hit the paper. She read through it once more and felt not just the same sadness that her Mum must of at the time but also anger at James for doing this. It made sense to her now she knew what pressure James was under from the bitch Felicity. Her Mum had not known this and would have just taken these words at face value. She returned to the diary entry and continued to read.

I held the letter as tears streamed down my cheeks and dropped slowly onto his words, perhaps if I cried enough they would disappear and it would all be a bad dream that I can wake up from. Then I felt anger so I just picked up the phone and dialled his number, my hand was shaking so much as I tried to choke back the sobs that were coming from deep within me. Pam answered the phone

“Hi Pam…….can I …….can I speak to James?”

“Yes I’ll just shout him for you…..are you ok?” Pam said, I could hear the worry in her voice.

“Yes, I just need to speak to James” I stammered, holding back the tears. I waited a few seconds and then I heard his voice

“Hi Stephanie, I guess you got my letter” he replied, a hint of nervousness tinged his voice.

“Yes” I whispered as the tears engulfed me and I start
ed to cry heavily down the line.

“Steph…Steph please don’t cry…I’m really sorry that I had to tell you like that”

“But Why?”  I mumbled

“I’ve told you why in the letter”

“I know…but I love you…I will always love you….till the end of time remember” I managed to say before I let the tears take over.

“You’ll find someone else, you’re very attractive, intelligent and sexy” his voice trailed off into the distance.

“But I don’t want anyone else, I WANT YOU” I shouted, trying desperately to make my words change his mind.

There was silence and I worried that he had hung up the phone, but I could still hear him breathing as he waited.

“Are you still coming down this weekend?” I was finally able to ask him
.

“Well, I don’t really know”

“Please come….I need to talk to you in person, face to face, you at least owe me that” I muttered. I hoped that once he saw me again and was in my arms again these thoughts would leave him and he would once more be mine.

“Well” he paused “Ok then I’ll come and see you and we can sort everything out, Bye”

I was about to say ‘I love you’ but the line had already gone dead. I replaced the receiver and then picked up the letter once more, read it once more and then lay on my bed and cried for all I was worth. I cried until no more tears came and then I just sobbed, dry hollow coughs that hurt my chest. I just about managed to shout down to Mum and tell her that I wasn’t feeling well and was just going to sleep it off.  I changed for bed and then before I climbed beneath the covers I put my stereo
on and let the music on the mix tape waft quietly around the room. It didn’t calm me as slowly the real hot tears of my grief trickled down my cheeks and landed silently on the pillow.

As dreams eventually captured me I recalled the moment that we had first met at the pool, our first kiss beneath the water of the pool. The first time he had touched me and the perfect gift I had bestowed on him for his twenty first. All the amazing times we had spent together. Then I was once again standing in his garden in the moonlight except I was naked and alone. I searched for him between the branches of the trees; they reached out for me, trying to hold me tight as they turned into the hands and fingernails of a witch, a witch called Felicity. Her face twisted as she claimed James from my outstretched arms.

I woke in a cold sweat and realised that it was just a bad dream. I climbed out of bed and crossed the room to my drawers and looked inside to find a shirt that James had left here when he had stayed. I had forgotten to take it over the last time I had seen him but I was glad now as I shrugged it over my shoulders and once my hands slipped through the cuffs I pulled it up and breathed in. The faint scent of him clung to the collar as I headed over to my window seat and looked out into the sky. The stars still shone there, but they were so far away. How was I going to carry on? What was the point of living without James in my life?

Friday 25
th
November, 1988

I woke with a start to discover that I had fallen asleep on the window seat, my head resting on the cold window pane. It was still dark outside so I crossed back to my bed and pulled my pink elephant toy close, I kept his shirt on and then drifted back off until my alarm woke me. I stepped out of bed and looked in my mirror and realised that I couldn’t face college today, especially as James was going to be coming over as he had promised on the phone last night.

I wandered downstairs and discovered that Mum had already left for work so I only had to see Dad.

“College today?” he asked, as I poured a cup of coffee and sat down at the table.

“Not today” I lied “I’m going to do some work at the hospital before James arrives this evening” I finished, suddenly thinking that this would be a great way to take my mind off what was possibly going to be the second worst day of my life. I had already experienced the worst day yesterday.

On the bus I tried desperately to take my mind off James, but the words in the letter continued to float around endlessly. The white corridors of the hospital seemed to calm me a little as I wandered along towards the studio. I was so closed off in my mind that I suddenly realised that I had managed to get lost. As I felt panic rising inside me I spotted a bench and took the time to sit down and try to think calmly. It was no good, the tears started to bubble up under my eyelids and as I scoured through my bag for a tissue I didn’t notice Mark heading down the corridor towards me until he sat down.

“Here you can have my hankie” Mark said, as he handed the soft fabric to me.

“Mark” I said, looking up through the tears “Thank goodness it’s you”

“Are you ok Steph?” he asked.

“Yes, I got lost” I mumbled, as I wiped back the tears.

“Is that all?” he probed

“No, but I can’t really talk about it yet” I replied “I thought some time in the studio with Jack would help”
I finished; as the tears had dried up I offered Mark his hankie back.

“No you keep it, I think you might need it more than me today” he said, as I finally looked up into his green eyes.

“Thanks Mark” I replied as I stood up and we walked along the corridor and took a left turn back into familiar territory

“I’ll be ok now” I said as we paused by the double doors.

“See you soon Steph” Mark finished, as he reached out and gave my hand a squeeze “If you get lost again, don’t worry I’ll find you”

I smiled weakly and then I pushed open the doors and headed to the studio.

Jack smiled up at me as I walked
in and I suddenly seemed to lose my tears as the music bought me back to life. In the end I didn’t say anything to Jack about James and just threw myself into the work that needed to be done. It was only on the way back to Ross that I started to think about the weekend ahead and what I was going to do when I saw James again. As I opened the door Mum was the first to pop her head through the kitchen door.

“James phoned as
he won’t be able to get here until tomorrow morning” she said.

“Oh” I replied, wondering if he was going to be a coward and just not turn up at all.
I put on a brave face and sat through tea and some television with my parents before I turned in early.

Once again in the safety of my room I put George Michael’s Faith album on the turntable and lay in bed. Tonight there were hardly any tears that fell, well except during Father Figure when the lyrics “till the end of time” set me off as those had been the words we had used throughout our relationship. When sleep claimed me tonight there were no dreams or nightmares just emptines
s
.

Charlotte yawned and put the diary down and replaced it with her mobile phone. She quickly tapped a goodnight message to Mitch and was rewarded with one back. It was emotionally hard work reading the diaries but Charlotte knew she had to finish them, no matter how difficult it was as it might lead to her Mum finally being happy again and the same for Mitchell’s Dad. Closing her eyes she dreamed of being in the same garden, apple blossom on the trees as she danced through them with Mitchell.

Chapter 40

I woke up to hear the familiar strains of ‘Take my Breath Away’ echoing from
Charlotte’s room and looked over at the clock. It was only 6.30am but she was already practising again. I knew the group were determined to be their absolute best for the competition in ten days time. This reminded me that I had to book some hotel rooms so I put my dressing gown on and headed onto the landing. As the track finished I knocked Charlotte’s door and poked my head in

“Coffee?” I asked

“Yes please Mum, I’m going to do another run through of ‘Skyfall’ and ‘Umbrella’ first thought and then I’ll be down”

“Ok” I replied, as I padded downstairs and into the kitchen. As usual I turned on the radio and made co
ffee and toast to the breakfast show.

All of a sudden Paul announced that he had received another request from my secret admirer. I reached over and turned the volume up slightly as the song “The most beautiful girl in the world” by Prince started up. I smiled and reached for my mobile phone to give Paul a call. He answered almost immediately

“Hi Stephanie, your secret admirer is up early this morning” he said

“Good job I was or I would have missed it” I replied.

“Do you want to send a response in song?” Paul asked

“Yes can you play “Who are you” by The Who and see if you get a text or anything back” I replied

“Will do Steph, I’ve got to go now so I’ll see you later” Paul finished.

“Bye Paul” I finished, enjoying the final strains Prince. Then I listened to his spiel before the song I responded with played.

By the time Charlotte appeared I was on my second cup of coffee and already had my laptop out as I continued to plan my lunchtime show, a secret smile

played over my face. It felt great to
be flirting over the airwaves and even if I never got to meet my mystery man he was certainly speaking to me in my language. Charlie grabbed her mug and some toast and sat down opposite me

“So what’s on your agenda today?” I asked
.

“Usual at college and then more dance practice, we’re getting our costumes fitted tonight too and I can’t wait”

“Sounds good, do you know which hotel Mitchell and his family are staying in for the finals so we can book in at the same one” I asked.

“I’ll check” Charlie said, reaching for her mobile to send a text. Moments later a reply appeared on the screen and I watched a smile spread over her face.

“They are booked into the Ibis Mum, Mitch asked if it’s ok with you can I stay in his room?” she asked, shyly.

“Well it will save me some money” I replied “Yes that’s fine with me” I finished, watching as she quickly dropped a text back and waited for the reply which was almost instant. I noticed the blush spread over her face and smiled. I soon found the hotel online and booked a room for Sarah and Chris and one for me too.

“Do you want to see the routine we did to I’ve had the time of my life?”
Charlotte asked me, as she hopped off the stool and headed round the kitchen island to where I was sitting

“Yes please” I replied, and while she pulled up her emails I poured us both another coffee and sat back down.
When I had watched it through I pulled her close.

“That was fabulous, almost like watching the real thing” I said, dropping a kiss on Charlie’s forehead.

“I know, I just hope we get chosen to perform it while the judges are making their decision” Charlotte replied.

“When will you find out?” I asked
.

“Friday night so if we get chosen we will be able to practice this weekend too” she breathed, as it played again and she studied it intently “There are some bits I know I can improve on” she finished. I looked at the clock
.

“You’d better get changed or Julia will be waiting for you” I said, as she clicked the emails off and headed back upstairs to change. Once she had left for college I showered and changed and drove to work.

Over in his k
itchen James leaned against the counter and listened to “The most beautiful girl in the world” he had been onto the radio station website and seen what looked like a fairly recent photograph of Stephanie. She had hardly changed, well apart from the sad faraway gaze to her eyes. He wanted desperately to change that look, to once again see the love in her beautiful blue eyes. The eyes that he had spent many a moment staring into and marvelling at the reflection of love that was sent back to him. Even the last time he had seen her, she couldn’t hide her feelings for him. He had been so wrong to hurt her like he did and even worse to lie about it, would she ever forgive him? All he knew was that he at least had to apologise and then try to move on from there. He smiled when the DJ played a song back to him “Who are you” a good classic choice. Stephanie had obviously not given it a thought that it could be him and was flirting back.

I headed through the studio doors and waved a hand at Paul still in the studio and motioned that I would put a brew on for us. He still had half an hour to go so I sat down and munched on a biscuit, still thinking about my mystery man. I had been careful to check for anyone lurking outside the studio but nothing unusual there. Whoever he was I would wait and see if the next requested song would give me any clues. My show went smoothly and then I handed over to Ian and headed home.

Charlie breezed through the door at around six brandishing her three different outfits for the competition, including a wig.

“Would you like to see them on?” she asked

I shook my head “I’d rather wait till the big event now, keep something as a surprise” I said, smiling “Hungry?” I asked.

“Yes, famished” Charlie said, heading for the stairs and the shower

“Ok I’ll heat us up some of the chilli I made the other weekend” I said.

“Cool Mum, I won’t be long” and with that she headed upstairs to hang up all her outfits ready for the finals. She couldn’t wait, but in the meantime she had some serious reading to do after tea.

I gave Sarah a call when Charlie abandoned me for her bedroom and we arranged to meet for late lunch tomorrow after my radio show. I was desperate to talk to her about my secret admirer just in case she might know who it was. Upstairs Charlie flopped onto her bed and took back the diary again and started to read

Saturday 26
th
November, 1988

I woke up to the patter of rain on my window and considered how apt this was as it matched my mood. I had breakfast and then cleaned my room, I listened to Wham but even their cheery tunes didn’t lighten the mood. I wore my favourite dress and made sure that I looked as lovely as possible so that James would not be able to resist. All of a sudden I heard his car pull up in the driveway and I headed downstairs to meet him, feeling suddenly nervous and afraid. Yet as soon as our eyes met I was sure that his feelings for me had not changed as he managed a small smile when he saw me.

After making us a coffee we headed upstairs to my room and I put George Michael on the record player, both as background music and to hopefully remind James of all the good times we had shared. He stood looking out of my window into the dark sky beyond so I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He remained motionless so I went up on tip toes so that I could softly breathe on his neck.

“I don’t think I should be here” he said softly
.

“But you are here and I need you” I replied, as he turned to face me at last. I saw the sorrow and regret in his blue eyes, turning them from vibrant and bright to dull and clouded. The tears had already started to form in my eyes as the first one made its way over the skin of my cheek.

James reached out and wiped it away with his finger
.

“Please don’t cry this is hard enough as it is” he whispered, his voice breaking as more tears stained his finger tips. I didn’t let him say anymore
as my lips found his and kissed him until he gave in and kissed me back. His lips were hard and urgent as they pressed into my softness and he soon had me pinned against the bedroom wall, his breath ragged with desire. My hands pulled his jumper off and then his t-shirt so that I could drag my nails gently over his chest; he shuddered and moaned under my touch. Then I reached down for his belt buckle and released it so that I could pull his jeans to the ground.

Looking up at him from my kneeling position I saw tears falling from his eyes. Did this mean he was sorry, would this mean we would be back together? I didn’t stop as my hands ran up his firm thighs and to his boxer shorts. There his hands grabbed mine and pulled me all the way up before he let go and grabbed the hem of my dress and pulled it off in a single move. I had deliberately worn the black underwear from the night of the dance and our first night as lovers. His hands ran over the satin fabric, catching my nipples beneath that had already sprung up to meet his touch. He reached round and released the catch and as my bra fell from my shoulders his head bent and his mouth was on them, teasing, pulling, and sucking. I arched my head backwards and shook my hair out from its hair band so that it fell loose and tickled my back.

Running my hands down his back I went below the waist band of his boxer shorts and edged them lower so they fell to the floor. My hand found his hardness and I longed to take him in my mouth but he was now in charge. He picked me up and carried me the short distance to the bed and lay me down. I tried to reach out and pull him with me but he stepped beyond my grasp and then his fingers ran down my waist and over my hips to the satin knickers I wore. He pulled them off so that I was now naked as he knelt down and his tongue captured my wetness. I shuddered and came quickly before he lay down on top of me and was suddenly pushing into me. As he pounded me deeper into the covers of the bed I held him tight and gasped out his name as he came and I followed with mine. The tears still fell down my face as I held him close and whispered “I love you till the end of time”

James remained silent and then before I could say anything further he pulled away from me and sat slumped on the edge of my bed. I sat up too, unsure what I should do, but he turned to me and said.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that”

“Don’t apologise, I’m not sorry, I know you still love me and you still desire me so why can’t we still be together?” I implored, reaching out my hands to him but then stopping and instead wrapping them around my shivering body.

“I’ve told you why it’s just not working for me”

“But we just made love together”

“No Steph, we just had sex”

“Is there someone else?” I asked.

“No” he replied, but he looked down as he said this so I couldn’t see the emotion on his face.

“I can move to be closer to you, we don’t have to live together or anything, we can take things slow, I just want to be with you……..Together Forever” my voice trailed off as sobs racked my body.

He looked up one final time and said

“Stephanie, I do love you but things are too complicated to explain. I will always hold a place in my heart for you but we can’t be together any longer”

He stood up and I watched as he pulled his clothes back on.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come” he said, walking towards the door. He paused and looked back at me, naked and cold on the bed.

“You take my breath away” he said, sadness haunted his features before he was gone forever. I listened to the sound of his footsteps on the stairs and then eventually the roar of the engine. I jumped off the bed and crossed to my window to see the red mini disappearing into the distance and with it my whole life.

I looked around my room but all it held was memories so I grabbed my walkman and after getting dressed I left the house. I turned and saw my Mum’s puzzled face at the window but she let me go. I walked into town and although it was busy I still felt alone, past the Swimming Pool which just made me cry even more and then along the river bank. It was deserted as I found the bench we had shared when James had traced the heart on the palm of my hand. Sitting down I stared at all the other names written or engraved into the back of the bench, the heart was still there just like the day James had drawn it. I reached into my pocket and found the hankie that Mark had given me yesterday and tried to stem the tears that would not stop.

On the way back home I stopped in the Church yard and looked out over the horse shoe bend of the river. The song I was listening too struck a cord

“Never felt this way before, got to go it alone, oh, oh, oh, oh, destination unknown

Won’t be coming back this way gotta go it alone oh, oh, oh, oh, destination unknown”

I wished that I could just jump in the river and
float off and away from my shattered dreams. I really didn’t know how I was going to be alone after all the time we had spent together. Especially as I didn’t want to be alone, I just wanted James but he didn’t want me.