Where did your heart go? (The Heart Trilogy Book 1) (43 page)

Chapter 52

James stood up when he heard the knock and moved towards the door. He rested his hand for a
second on the handle and breathed in. I watched as the handle dropped and released the catch. I took a deep breath as the door opened and I was staring into the face of my first love, my only love. James moved aside as I stepped past him into the room, I felt sick with nerves but something stirred inside me too. He had a larger room than mine and there were a couple of sofa’s over by the window with a table between them. I noticed a wine bottle and two glasses in the middle of it so I passed the end of the bed and settled down on the nearest one.

I watched as James shut the door and headed over to take a seat opposite me.

“I’m glad you came” he finally said “Would you like a glass of wine?”

“Yes that would be nice” I managed, hoping he wouldn’t notice the tremble in my voice. He handed me the glass and I took a quick sip before I placed it on the table. My hands were shaking so much that I feared I would drop it. Then I waited, wondering if I had to speak first or would he. The room was so silent that a car alarm sounding from the car park startled us both. I was aware that James was drinking his wine and gazing at me. Eventually he placed his glass next to mine and cleared his throat.

“Well I guess I had better go first” he said. I nodded and gave him a tentative smile.

“I never thought I would be lucky enough to see you again, let alone be sitting here talking to you
. You can imagine how shocked I was when I found out your daughter Charlotte was my son’s new girlfriend” he paused.

“Yes at least you found out earlier than me”
I said, remembering the moment in the auditorium. I reached for my glass of wine and took another sip.

“I knew that this was the best chance I would ever have of meeting you again and being able to explain why I did what I did” James said. I could see the sorrow and pain that tinged his blue eyes. I found I was thinking back to the moment when he walked out of the door for the final time. A tiny tear was starting to form under my eyelid as I blinked it away.

“I didn’t really tell you the truth back then” James said
“And for that I am truly sorry but I thought at the time it was for the best”

“But how could lies be for the best” I replied, feeling angry and confused.

“I wanted to protect you from seeing my indiscretion and weakness” James confessed. I looked up again and saw a tear trembling on his eyelash. He reached and refilled his glass so that he could take a gulp.

“I had a sort of one night stand with Felicity, my boss from the Leisure Centre” he finally admitted. Again he looked across at me and I think he was surprised that I didn’t look shocked
.

“How could you? With her” I spat, my anger now evident
.

“It happened on the night of my leaving do. Felicity offered to drive me home and I had drunk quite a lot. So she suddenly pulled into a lay by and jumped on me”

“So you were overpowered by a woman” I replied.

“Well, I was missing you and, and…..” his voice trailed off. I watched as he put his head in his hands and sobbed.

Silence reigned for what seemed like an age, but was probably only a few minutes.
I took another sip of my wine and quickly found a pack of tissues in my bag. I slid the packet across the table and as James reached for it our fingers touched. I felt a shock pass between us as we both pulled away and looked up into each other’s eyes. James continued.

“I tried to forget it and Felicity didn’t say anything until a couple of months later when she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine”

“Was that the night I saw you together in the nightclub” I asked.

“Yes it was”

“So why didn’t you tell me the truth then?”

“I didn’t want to hu
rt you and at that stage I thought that I could work things out and still be with you and that perhaps the baby wasn’t mine”

Again James paused and once again looked up to meet my eyes.

“I told her that I would support her and my baby but that I didn’t love her. But she told me that if I didn’t finish with you she would tell you
that we had been having an affair for months. She then said that if I stayed with you I would never see my child”  He let the words sink in with me as I realised that he had been placed in an impossible situation.

“I can’t say that I am sorry to have chosen my eldest son over you it was the hardest decision of my life and one I still have to look at every day of my life” he murmured.

“We tried to make things work between us for the sake of Darren but it was awful and I tried to leave her a couple of times and then Mitchell came along too” he paused again, obviously remembering those times.

“I thought that what I had done was break up with you as gently as possible so that you could move on and be happy without me. I also wanted t
o make sure that Felicity never hurt you as you deserved better than that and than me” he struggled to get the words out.

“But you did hurt me and yes so did Felicity” I said “You hurt me so much that I thought my life was over, especially when you sent the invitation to your Wedding” I finished, letting my words sink in slowly. James shook his head.

“But I never wanted you to know about the Wedding
as I knew it would hurt you too much. She must have sent that to you. You must believe that it wasn’t me” James implored. I looked into his eyes and saw his tears falling as mine began to fall too. He pushed the tissues back towards me and I dabbed at my eyes.

“It arrived on New Year’s Eve as I was trying to get over you as best as I could. Sarah and Chris took me out to a n
ightclub and I tried to forget about the invitation that was at home, taunting me, telling me that you never really cared for me” I said.

“Well, after midnight I was dancing with Mark and our song started to play and I realised that I could never forget you and I ran away from the club. I reached the house and something broke inside me, the darkness I had been battling overwhelmed me and I just wanted to escape all my feelings of despair” I reached down as my tears continued to fall unchecked down my cheeks. Slowly I pulled up the sleeves on my shirt and held out my hands to him, palms upwards. I watched as he slowly looked down and realised what the scars on my wrist meant. I heard him choke on his sob as he reached out to take my hands in his. His fingers gently ran over the raised scar tissue that was there.

Slowly James looked up into my eyes and I saw the anger there, anger at himself and at his ex-wife. Felicity had managed to hurt me even from miles away and James was beating himself up internally at the thought. We both continued to cry as he held my hands in his. As he continued to slowly stroke his fingertips gently over my wrists I started to feel a tingle slowly running through my body. It was a tingle I hadn’t felt in years and I knew that he was re-awakening my deep desire for him. He must have felt the heat starting to spread through my skin as he stood up and briefly let go of my hands to shorten the distance between us. Before I knew it he was kneeling down beside the sofa where I sat, as he reached out for my hands once more.

“Words can’t start to express how I feel right now. I feel like I let you down really badly. I feel like I should have known and I should have stopped her from ruining not just my life but yours. You should have told me what she had sent you, perhaps I could have helped you then before this” he paused and again ran his fingertips ever so lightly across the faded scars.

“Please believe me when I say
that I still loved you when we broke up, I loved you throughout my short marriage and I definitely love you still” he finished.

I watched as he scanned my face as my skin betrayed my true feelings. I could feel the pink flush spreading right through from my hands and arms it crept to my neck and
stained my face.

Once again the silence stretched between us but this time the nervous tinge to it had faded. There was a different edge to the air around us. Eventually he spoke

“So where do we go from here?” he asked. His voice shook slightly and I knew that he was
still feeling nervous at what my answer would be. I shook my head really not knowing which way I wanted to go. It had been good to hear his explanation but it also meant that he had both lied and cheated on me when we were together. My mind was telling me that I needed to think things through and try to make a rational decision. My body on the other hand had started to recollect the feelings that lay dormant in me for twenty four years. It felt like they didn’t want to go back to sleep again.

“I know you still feel something for me. I knew that when I turned around and saw you earlier today. I knew it when I heard your knock on the door. I know it now as I can feel you trembling as I stoke your wrist and I see the pink flush on your skin” he murmured. He slowly stood up and taking my hands in his he pulled me up too so that we stood only inches apart. I could feel the heat flaming in my cheeks now as my whole body felt like it was on fire. Pulling me closer I was finally back in his arms, so alien now but so familiar too. Our bodies now touched and again I felt a lightening shock pass through me. James must have felt it too for he paused ever so slightly before his hands ran up my spin and reached my neck. We were now skin on skin once more. He traced the line of my jaw round to my chin and then inclined it so that I was staring up into his face as I watched him lean in.

Closing my eyes I felt the room around me start to spin as his lips brushed mine ever so softly. I hesitated wondering if they had or if I had imagined it but then I felt their touch again. I felt my body start to respond to him as my lips parted and our tongues greeted each other like old friends. I could feel his hands reach up into my hair like they always used too. I was sixteen again in his arms and I opened my eyes and saw James as he once was at twenty one. Then suddenly my mind woke up and it felt like I had been slapped across the face. I pushed him away and stood shaking as the tears started to form once more.

“I need some time” I whispered. I could see the confusion
clouding James’ eyes at my statement. Especially as moments earlier I had been re-igniting dormant passions through our kiss.

“I’m sorry” I mumbled, as I picked up my bag and headed for the door before he could see my tears.

He reached for me but I moved just out of his grasp.

“Let me sleep on things” I said, as I paused at the door “It’s a lot to take in on one day” I finished. As a solitary tear trickled down my cheek I reached to wipe it away, but I missed it and it fell and hit the floor.  I watched the droplet breaking apart and making me remember the shattered glass of my mirror all those years ago. Could he really erase all the hurt and pain with a simple confession and admission that he was wrong and was sorry? Opening the door I stepped out and paused.

“Will you perhaps have dinner with me tomorrow night after the dance competition
has finished?” he asked, as he crossed the room to stand by the door.

“I’ll let you know tomorrow” I finished. I needed to flee to the safety of my room before I changed my mind and allowed my body to take charge once more. I could feel the pull of desire begging me to close the door and stay.

He nodded and smiled
.

“Thank you for hearing me out and I look forward to seeing you again tomorrow” he said, smiling shyly at me.

“Goodnight James” I said

“Goodnight Steph” he replied, as he watched me walk back down the corridor. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks once more as I headed for the safety of my room.
Once inside I leant back against the solid door. I ran my finger over my lips where his had been only moments earlier. My breath was ragged as the final tears fell from my eyes. Why was life so confusing? If I had listened to my body I would still be in his room, wrapped in his arms. Instead I had grown up and I was listening to my mind instead.

I looked across at my mobile phone which I had left on the bedside table. There was a text from Sarah and also one from Charlotte too. Both were asking how I was. I noticed that it was gone midnight so instead of replying I removed my clothes and crept under the cool sheets. I lay there looking up at the ceiling and trying to figure out what the best thing to do would be. After all it was not just my life but that of my daughter. Could I risk going back and facing heartache once more? As I considered each option I was also aware of the tingle still echoing through my body. It was that of a deep seated desire for James. My body seemed to be telling me that he was the only one for me. He was the only one who could scratch that itch. He was the only one who could turn the key and unlock my sealed heart. I also remembered that I had a blind date to go through with in a fortnight’s time at the charity fundraiser. Would it be unfair to my mystery man to let him down before he even had the chance?