Where I Found You (18 page)

The question was begging to be asked. ‘Retrain as what?’

‘A joiner,’ Jenny said deliberately. ‘He started an apprenticeship when he left school but then took the job at the estate agents. He was pretty good by all accounts and if he can persuade someone to take him on, I don’t think it would take long for him to become qualified.’

‘Someone like James?’

‘Do you think it’s possible?’

The soup began to bubble ferociously and Maggie had a short reprieve before giving an answer. She returned to the stove and turned off the heat. ‘I don’t know, Jenny. I don’t think James is taking anyone on at the moment. Things are tight.’

‘There are probably grants that he could claim for apprenticeships and if not, Mark wouldn’t ask to be paid. We could live off the redundancy money for a while. It would be a way of investing in our future.’

Jenny wasn’t going to take no for an answer but Maggie knew it wasn’t in her gift to offer Mark a job, even an unpaid one. ‘I’ll mention it to James,’ she promised.

‘I know you’ll convince him,’ Jenny said, suddenly reanimated. She joined Maggie at the stove and gave her arm a quick squeeze. ‘Now, let’s sample the chef’s work.’ She slurped a spoonful of scalding hot mushroom soup. ‘I’d say it needs a little more pepper.’

‘It’s perfect as it is,’ Maggie said. A quick check of the oven confirmed there was still another half hour until the roast was ready. ‘Time to serve.’

Buoyed by the lifeline Maggie had handed her, Jenny’s effervescence still wasn’t enough to lift the mood around the dining table. Mark was distinctly subdued and James not much better.

It wasn’t until after the second course, when Jenny disappeared to check on Lily and Mark sloped outside for a quick cigarette that Maggie had a chance to ask James about the apprenticeship.

‘Please don’t say you’ve promised her anything.’

‘I said I’d talk to you, that’s all,’ Maggie answered.

‘I’m sorry, Maggie, but there’s no chance. I could tell Mark was angling for an offer when he mentioned it before but I deliberately ignored the hints.’

‘Couldn’t you find some way of helping? They’re our friends, James.’

‘Maggie, estate agents aren’t the only ones losing their jobs, builders are laying people off too.’ Their conversation was in hushed tones, which made the exasperation in James’s voice all the more pronounced.

‘Is it that bad?’

James took her hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘We’re supposed to be celebrating tonight. Let’s not talk about it.’

‘Not interrupting anything, am I?’ Jenny asked.

Maggie forced a half smile. ‘How’s Lily?’

‘Sleeping like a baby.’

The conversation stalled, Jenny not willing for once to fill the silence. She was waiting for someone to put her out of her misery.

‘Did I tell you about my lunch at Elsie’s the other day?’ Maggie asked, knowing full well that she had.

‘Yes. It’s such a shame isn’t it? She and her husband have been in the bank a few times and I don’t know what to say to them.’

‘That’s not like you,’ chipped in James.

‘It would help if Maggie filled in some more of the gaps,’ Jenny said. ‘We know she came here when she was pregnant and no one believes this story that she’d lost her husband. So what became of the baby? Was it adopted?’

Even though Maggie had refused to break Elsa’s confidence, Mrs Milton’s frequent dips into the past had meant she was already the subject of local gossip. ‘If there ever was a baby. She gets a bit confused and imagines all kinds of things which probably never even happened,’ she said. It was the explanation Ted would have her believe and Maggie hoped she sounded more convincing than he had. ‘But on her better days, she’s quite a character.’

‘Maggie was saying her husband doesn’t want her going back into the park,’ James said.

‘Does he think she might throw herself in the lake?’ Jenny asked. ‘You thought that yourself once, didn’t you?’

‘She had nightmares about it,’ James agreed.

It was a memory that Maggie occasionally wrestled with, but the spot by the lake still held more comfort than fear. It had been a place of quiet reflection for both of them and the bench had bound them together. Maggie couldn’t bear the thought of Elsie never visiting there again. ‘If she’s reliving her past life then obviously she didn’t come to any harm. I think she’s safe on that count.’

‘I thought you just said she was making it all up?’ Jenny asked.

It was guilt rather than embarrassment that brought a flush to Maggie’s cheeks. She didn’t enjoy lying and obviously couldn’t do it very well. ‘I don’t know what happened to Elsa, Jen, honestly I don’t. She did a lot of soul searching while she sat on that bench and maybe that’s where she thinks she’ll find herself again.’

‘It’s easy to see how she could slip back into another time so easily,’ James said. ‘I doubt the park’s changed that much in the last sixty years, especially down by the lake where it’s so enclosed.’

‘She notices the changes and that’s what upsets her most,’ added Maggie.

‘Is this the crazy lady who was looking for the swans?’ Mark had returned to the dining room as they were talking. The smell of stale smoke drifted in too and Maggie heard Jenny sniffing the air in disgust.

‘She’s not crazy,’ Maggie corrected.

‘And you would understand that if you hadn’t been outside burning money,’ Jenny sniped.

‘I think you’ll find it was a cigarette – and while I’m still earning, I can do what I like with my money.’

‘Who’s ready for some cheesecake?’ Maggie offered quickly.

‘I’ll get it,’ James said, jumping up as if his seat was on fire. He hated arguments and one between friends would be particularly tortuous. Maggie heard Harvey scramble to his feet too and he squeezed between a forest of legs, table and human, to follow James’s retreat.

‘Did you ask him?’ Jenny asked as soon as James was out of earshot.

Maggie wished she had insisted on helping James with dessert. ‘I’m sorry, Jenny, but I don’t think it’s possible at the moment. I knew James was struggling but I’m beginning to think he hasn’t been telling me everything.’

Mark let out a long sigh of exasperation. ‘You asked Maggie? Jenny, I told you not to get involved,’ he said to his wife. ‘I’m sorry, Maggie, she shouldn’t have put you in that position. I was talking to James before and it’s clear he’s barely managing to stay afloat himself.’

‘But you have to put yourself out there, Mark. It’s not like someone is going to come knocking at your door,’ Jenny said angrily.

‘I
will
put myself out there. Me. Not my interfering wife.’

‘Would James be able to have a word with some of his contacts?’ Jenny asked, her desperation making it impossible to heed Mark’s warnings. ‘Maybe there’s someone he knows who could take him on.’

Maggie was starting to feel drained and just a little nauseous. ‘Jenny, please,’ she begged as she heard James returning from the kitchen.

No more was said on the matter and little else was said for the remainder of the evening. There were the compulsory compliments on the chef’s coup de grâce, polite interest in the recipe for the cheesecake but an uncomfortable silence fell as they concentrated a little too much on savouring their dessert. No one argued when Jenny suggested making it an early night and it was only after their guests had wrapped up a softly snoring Lily and headed out into the bleak night that James realised that they had forgotten to open the champagne.

‘Shall we?’ he asked. They were in the kitchen, clearing away the dishes.

‘Not unless you’re planning on demolishing it by yourself. I was only going to have a sip anyway and to be honest I’m not even in the mood for that any more.’

James sighed. ‘Me neither.’

‘I hate to see them at such odds with each other.’

‘They’ll be fine,’ James answered, but there was little hope of convincing Maggie when he sounded so unsure himself.

The nausea she had been fighting hit her like a wave. ‘And what about us? Are we
fine
?’ she asked.

James actually laughed. ‘Where did that come from? I know I was a bit short with you before but that’s hardly grounds for divorce.’

Maggie wouldn’t be cajoled. Mark’s words were still ringing in her ears. In one conversation he had worked out that James’s business was in dire straits, something that had barely registered on Maggie’s radar. ‘I didn’t know you were struggling to find work. How much are we not telling each other, James? What’s happening to us?’

‘Nothing’s happening to us and nothing is going to happen. Look, business is tough at the moment and maybe I should have told you more but I didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily. We’re managing, just not enough to consider taking on someone else, that’s all. If there was ever a real problem then I promise you’ll be the first to know.’

Maggie had been rinsing crockery while James loaded the dishwasher. She scrubbed away at one particular plate until James had to abandon what he was doing to take it from her before she wore away the pattern. ‘Maggie?’

‘Your mum asked Mel if there was a risk that the baby could be born blind,’ she blurted out.

The pause James left was too long and Maggie had to fill it. It was either that or burst into tears. ‘Even though she knows I lost my sight after contracting measles, she thought I might still be able to pass the virus on to the baby. I could almost forgive her that one, but it gets better. She thinks our baby could end up with learning difficulties, James,’ she said, her voice croaking as she forced out the painful confession. ‘Not that she came right out and said as much, but there were enough questions about how the baby could possibly develop normally with me as its role model.’

James’s mouth sounded dry as he swallowed and simply said, ‘Oh.’

‘Oh?’ Maggie asked in disbelief having expected her husband to feel at least some of the anger that had been twisting at her insides.

‘I’m sorry, Maggie, and please don’t hate me but she asked me the same things.’

‘And you’re OK with your mum harbouring those kind of prejudices about me?’

‘Of course not. I put her straight and I hoped that would be the end of it. And I didn’t tell you for exactly the same reasons you didn’t want to tell me.’ James took a deep breath and let it out with a long sigh. ‘We’ve fallen into the habit of only telling each other what we think the other wants to hear, haven’t we?’

The hairs on the back of Maggie’s neck stood on end, her senses telling her there was more to hear. ‘What else haven’t you told me?’

James didn’t immediately answer. Instead he turned to put the last plate in the dishwasher and made a good impression of being occupied selecting the right settings. He switched the machine on and the sound of churning water matched the churning of Maggie’s stomach.

‘I’ve done the maths, Maggie. If you’re determined to go back to work after the baby’s born then you’d have to increase your turnover to justify the cost of a nursery. Realistically, that isn’t going to happen.’

Maggie tried to remain calm. It was good that they were talking openly and honestly at last but it didn’t make what James had to say more palatable. ‘I know, but going to work isn’t only about making money, you know that.’

‘But it’s not a sustainable option. Your business will become a luxury we can’t afford.’

‘Would you give up your business so easily?’ she demanded. The argument wasn’t a rational one but Maggie refused to give in.

James chose to ignore her question and, from the tension in his voice, her stubbornness was testing his patience. ‘Of course I know how important your work is to you and that’s why I was trying to get Mum to help. I know she wouldn’t be your first choice but what if she was the only choice?’

The dishwasher rumbled on, its pumps washing away the debris from their disastrous dinner. ‘She isn’t a choice at all though, is she? I’ve tried my best, James and I don’t like admitting defeat but your mother has defeated me. Do you have any idea how humiliating it was to listen to her talking to Mel? Talking to her, I should add, as if I wasn’t in the room; and having my ability to be a mother challenged and questioned? I can’t face that again,’ she continued, her voice rising as she felt herself being hemmed into a corner. ‘And while we’re at it, why is it me that has to make things right? I didn’t make them wrong in the first place, your mum did.
Your
mum!
Your
responsibility.’

Maggie’s chest was heaving as she waited for James to react. He didn’t say a word. He wasn’t going to fight and his inertia turned the waves of nausea into a surge of panic. She could imagine Judith rubbing her hands in glee. Her dire prediction about the longevity of James’s second marriage was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. They were ending their first year of marriage with an argument that had exposed the cracks in their relationship. Maggie gave into the need to run and pushed past her husband.

James grabbed her, taking both of her hands in his. The gentle giant wasn’t so gentle as he put her hands behind her back and pulled her towards him. He waited for her ragged breaths that verged on sobs to quieten before he spoke. His voice trembled and his words were as tender as his soul. ‘OK, I get it,’ he said. ‘I’ve been here before, I know the signs and right now I’m terrified.’

Maggie wanted to contradict him but she couldn’t. ‘I’m scared too.’

‘Well, I’ve got news for you, Maggie Carter. I’m not going to give up without a fight. If I keep my head stuck in the sand then one day I’ll look up and you won’t be there. So, I get it.’ James inhaled deeply as if he could hold back the tears she imagined welling in his eyes. ‘A year ago today I promised to honour you but already I’ve let other people dishonour you. I get it, Maggie. I know how difficult Mum can be. I’ve had a lifetime of trying to get around her and failing miserably but I promise you this much. If I can’t get Mum to accept you and there’s ever a choice to be made then I choose you. I hope it never comes to that but I need you to know. I choose you.’

Letting go of her hands, James waited for Maggie to make a choice of her own. She still wanted to run, the problems were still there and they still defeated her but as she wrapped her arms tightly around James her emotions rose in waves through her body, a mixture of pride, relief and pure love.