Where I Found You (29 page)

‘I don’t like leaving her when she’s like this,’ Ted said. ‘But don’t worry, the district nurse said she’d call in over the weekend and Yvonne’s coming down next week to check up on me. I won’t be on my own.’

‘And there’s always Alice,’ Maggie added by way of consolation, as much for her benefit as for Ted.

‘Yes, of course.’ He didn’t sound so sure.

‘I bumped into her last week. She knows I’m going away and promised to call around more often.’

‘Elsie, you’re nodding off, love,’ Ted said turning his attention back to his wife a little too swiftly. ‘You’ll spill that tea if you’re not careful. Here, it’s gone cold anyway.’ He took the cup and placed it on the coffee table. ‘Why don’t we get you to bed?’

Elsie gasped. ‘If my dad hears you saying that he’ll punch your lights out.’

Maggie only witnessed a fraction of Ted’s daily battles but this small exchange was enough to imagine how tortuous it must be to watch a loved one’s soul being stripped away, layer by layer.

‘Would you like me to take you?’ she offered.

Elsie didn’t answer but as Maggie stood up and reached out an arm, the old lady grasped it and unsteadily pulled herself to her feet. With a little encouragement, they made it out of the living room and down the hall towards her bedroom. Ted followed but remained at a safe distance.

‘Are you warm enough?’ Maggie asked as she pulled the bedspread over Elsie’s shoulders. The ever-present scent of lilac wasn’t enough to disguise the smell of stale linen which held no trace of the essential oils she had given Elsie to ease her symptoms.

‘Don’t leave me,’ Elsie whispered and Maggie sensed her looking towards the door.

Ted shuffled away, his progress laboured as he went down the hallway to deadbolt the front door. He was taking no chances that his wife might slip out of her bedroom unnoticed.

‘Go to sleep,’ Maggie urged but when she made a move to leave, Elsie took hold of her arm.

‘Maggie?’

‘Yes, it’s me,’ she whispered. ‘You were about to have a little nap.’

‘Oh, OK.’

Maggie was tempted to stay and make the most of the tenuous connection she had made with her old friend but Elsie sounded tired. She tried again to leave but Elsie’s grip on her arm tightened.

‘Where’s Ted?’

‘He’s close by.’

Elsie fell silent and Maggie presumed she was nodding off. When she spoke again, she sounded more wistful than tired. ‘He’s a good man. Did I tell you how we met?’ she asked then paused as she tried to keep the memory within her grasp. ‘He was a postman. A bit of a chancer, but he made me laugh when I thought I’d never laugh again. He was the one who started calling me Elsie and it was a new beginning for me. I took one look into those twinkling eyes and I just knew.’

‘Knew what?’ Maggie asked, imagining the moment when Elsa found her happy ending or as near to it as she would ever get.

‘Oh, you know,’ she said, suddenly bashful.

‘He loves you very much.’

‘Too much. It’s not fair on him, is it?’ she said as the present caught up with her. ‘I know what I’m putting him through, Maggie. I can sometimes hear myself screaming at him, or worse. One minute I think he’s going to attack me, and the next I see my Ted in front of me, telling me it’s going to be all right. But it’s
not
all right. It would be better for both of us if I walked in front of a bus.’

‘Or threw yourself in a lake?’ Maggie added. ‘But you won’t do that because that would break his heart. You know that, don’t you?’

‘It’s still not fair,’ she insisted. ‘He shouldn’t have to look after me as if I’m a baby. I should go into one of those homes.’

‘He wants to look after you,’ Maggie insisted.

‘That’s the problem …’

Returning to the living room, Elsie’s words haunted Maggie. She hadn’t been ready to hear her friend resigning herself to her fate, not yet, probably not ever. All too soon, Elsie would be beyond her reach and her comfort and, in some ways, so would Elsa. Her ghost would forever remain sitting on the bench by the side of the lake, trapped by her grief. Maggie felt powerless to help. The signs were all around that the Miltons’ life was disintegrating. Ted was struggling to cope and it wasn’t only the house falling into disrepair.

‘Did I hear you limping before?’ Maggie asked. She had noticed him shuffling more than usual when she had arrived but it was his sharp gasps of pain when he had reached up to deadbolt the front door, when he thought he was out of earshot, that made her suspect he was concealing an injury.

‘Oh, it’s nothing. I slipped in the bathroom but I’ll be right as rain in a day or two.’

‘So that’s why you didn’t want to go out for a walk. Do you need to see a doctor?’

‘I’m fine, Maggie.’

She could hear the strain in his voice so didn’t press him further, on his own health at least. ‘I never imagined she could get so bad so quickly,’ she said. ‘The drugs don’t seem to be helping.’

‘I’m not even sure she takes them. I caught her spitting some out the other day when she thought I wasn’t looking. She thinks I’m trying to poison her.’

‘All the more reason to accept any help you can. Did Alice say when she’ll be calling in next?’ Maggie hadn’t forgotten Ted’s earlier evasion.

Ted rubbed a hand over his face. The stubble on his chin made a chafing sound against his calloused hands. ‘I didn’t want to mention it while Elsie was here, but Alice has had some bad news. She called around yesterday to tell me.’ He sighed heavily as if the memory was too much to bear. ‘An x-ray picked up a shadow on her lungs and she was rushed in for more tests. She has an appointment next week with an oncologist.’

Maggie’s mouth went dry as she struggled with the news. ‘I kept
telling
her to go to the doctor.’

‘I know, she’s told me to thank you. She wanted to tell you herself but she couldn’t face going into the salon. She says there’s no point in getting her hair done if she’s facing the prospect of losing it to chemo.’

‘Where there’s life there’s hope,’ Maggie said, knowing it was lame but she couldn’t think of anything else to say.

‘Is there?’ Ted’s voice sounded much further away than it should. ‘What about my Elsie? Her body is working pretty well for her age but what good does it do her? Where’s
her
cure?’

Maggie wanted to go over and give Ted a hug but knew he wouldn’t appreciate being pitied. Harvey had no such reservations and was quickly at his side. He groaned when Ted began to rub his back fiercely.

‘It’s wrong, I know that,’ she said. ‘I just wish I wasn’t going away now and leaving you.’

Ted cleared his throat. ‘Thanks, Maggie, but I really don’t deserve your kindness.’

‘Of course you do and I promise I’ll come straight over as soon as I get back.’

‘No, you don’t understand.’ There was a strangled breath as he tried to rein in his emotions. ‘Do you want to know what I was thinking when Alice came over? When she was trying to make light of her illness in case she upset me?’ His next words were full of self-loathing and his voice trembled with anger. ‘I was thinking of myself, that’s what, worrying too much about who was going to help me stand up to Yvonne when she arrives next week to think about anyone else. It’s unforgiveable, Maggie, especially when I’m now taking advantage of a pregnant woman and resenting the fact that she’s going on holiday. I can’t begin to tell you how ashamed I am of myself. I’m a selfish, self-centred, cantankerous old misery!’

‘Now you listen to me, Ted. You’re anything but selfish. You’re not thinking of yourself, you’re thinking of Elsie. We need to keep you well so you can look after your wife.’

‘But I’m not looking after her, am I? She doesn’t even know who I am most of the time. It’s not her husband she sees, but a deadly assassin who’s broken into her home.’ His voice had started to waver.

‘Oh Ted, she still loves you. She’s just been telling me so,’ Maggie said, choosing not to mention what else Elsie had said. Would Ted want to know that in that brief moment of clarity his wife had wanted him to relinquish his duties and leave her to someone else’s care? Had Elsie already said the same to him?

He was shaking his head. ‘It’s Freddie who’s been immortalised. I hadn’t quite realised how important he was to her.’

‘Ted, Freddie’s love was never tested. We’ll never know if he would have given her the kind of love and devotion that you give her.’

He sighed. ‘I suppose it’s not only me she’s forgotten; sometimes she forgets who she is, too. She told me she had a hot date with David Niven the other night,’ Ted said with a forced laugh that Maggie couldn’t share.

While Maggie struggled to find words of comfort, it was Ted who filled the silence. ‘And sometimes she thinks the baby survived.’

The statement came out of nowhere and it stabbed at Maggie’s heart. ‘Tess? But you said you’d seen her medical records.’

‘Yes, it’s there, written in black and white that the baby was stillborn. Like I said, you can’t rely too much on what she says.’

Maggie wasn’t convinced. Ted had become adept at keeping Elsie’s secrets, so the confession was out of character. He was telling Maggie for a reason. ‘What if Elsie did come back to Sedgefield for Tess after all?’ she murmured.

‘Next you’ll be going on about tracing her again.’

‘Isn’t that why you told me?’ Maggie challenged. ‘
You
think Tess survived, don’t you?’

‘Oh, Maggie! She mentions her all the time, not only the baby, but the woman she might have become. All those questions she must have been asking herself for the last sixty years, she’s now asking me as if I know the answers.’

‘So why don’t we try to find those answers?’

Wending her way back through Elsie’s life, all the way back to Elsa, would be anything but an easy path, but if there was a glimmer of hope that the baby hadn’t been lost forever then Maggie was prepared to grasp it. And Ted didn’t answer her question, which she took as an indication that he was ready too.

‘Did you ever sit down with Elsie and talk about her time at Sedgefield? Ever?’ she asked him.

‘I knew Mrs Jackson wasn’t her real aunt but she was always vague about how they were connected. And of course I knew a little about Freddie, but as for the rest, she wanted to keep her secrets and I had to respect that.’

‘But?’

She waited patiently for Ted to answer but he appeared more intent on massaging Harvey’s back. There was the sound of an escaping sob being cut short. ‘I watch her sitting in her chair sobbing her heart out, cradling a cushion and refusing to let it go. She can hear the baby crying and it’s not only breaking her heart, it’s breaking mine too.’

Harvey’s groans intensified as Ted dug his fingers deeper into his fur. Maggie sensed the pleasure was turning to pain although her faithful dog wasn’t going to let Ted down in his hour of need. Wanting to comfort them both, Maggie joined Ted on the sofa. She put her hand gently on top of Ted’s and brought Harvey’s distress to an end.

‘I’m worried about you, Ted, and so is Elsie. I hate to say it, but maybe you should look at some respite care if only to give yourself a chance to recharge your batteries.’

‘You’re beginning to sound like Yvonne. I won’t hear of it! Once Elsie’s in a home, Yvonne will make it difficult for me to bring her back here. I know my daughter.’

‘Difficult but not impossible, not if you can get yourself back to fighting strength. Ted, you can’t carry on like this,’ Maggie said. ‘Even you would be hard-pressed to take care of her from the grave.’

Ted’s laughter was hollow. He had taken hold of her hand and clasped it in both of his. ‘You don’t mince your words, do you?’

‘And if you need someone to back you up when Yvonne gets here, then I will. I’m only a phone call away even if it is long distance,’ Maggie offered. ‘And what about Nancy? Would she take your side? Is she coming home?’

The pressure Ted was applying to her hand briefly intensified. ‘Nancy? No, I don’t think she’ll be over until there’s a funeral to attend. She doesn’t even phone that much any more, not now that Elsie isn’t well enough to chat. I think she speaks to Yvonne or maybe writes one of those email things but that’s about it.’

‘Sounds like Elsie was lucky to get flowers on her birthday.’ As she spoke, she realised. ‘Nancy didn’t send them, did she?’

‘No,’ Ted said. ‘I bought them.’

Maggie thought of Elsa and her desperate fight to keep her first-born. ‘I can’t imagine anyone not feeling blessed to have Elsie as their mum.’

‘Maybe I shouldn’t have let her spoil them so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of them both. We brought them up to believe they could achieve anything they set their minds to and not to worry about us. I wouldn’t want to be a burden to them in my old age and Elsie felt the same but … but if it’s the difference between keeping Elsie here or sending her away …’ Ted’s voice cracked and he wasn’t even trying to disguise his sobs now.

Maggie pulled her hand free so she could wrap her arm around his shoulders. She had formed an impression of Ted in her mind from the limited physical contact they’d had so far. From the projection of his voice, she had always imagined him to be at least as tall as James and his hands were certainly wide and his fingers long and thin, but as she pulled him closer she was surprised at how insubstantial his frame seemed.

‘I’ll help as much as I can,’ Maggie promised.

‘I can’t bear the thought of her going into one of those places, I just can’t.’

‘Then let’s do everything we can to help her stay in the present. I know Alzheimer’s is a cruel and wicked disease but what if we could give her a reason to fight it? Will you help me try to find Tess?’

‘I’m getting desperate enough to try anything,’ Ted admitted.

Maggie knew her logic was flawed. The appearance of a long-lost daughter wasn’t going to provide a miracle cure but she wasn’t ready to give up on Elsie and neither was Ted. She felt a flutter of nerves as she contemplated the idea of cancelling the holiday to France. Time was of the essence and Elsie needed and deserved her help now. The fluttering grew into a storm as Maggie realised how seriously she was considering the idea.