Where I Found You (3 page)

‘I suppose there’s no going back now,’ Maggie said, hoping that no one noticed the serious tone that had crept into what should have been a light quip.

‘And now that we know everything is as it should be,’ Mel added, ‘I’ve brought my Doppler with me to listen for baby’s heartbeat. It might be too early to pick up yet but I can give it a try if you want me to.’

Maggie was obliged to say yes but when Mel placed it on her abdomen and radio static filled the room, she fought the urge to push it away. Hearing the description of an image on screen was one thing but this was something else entirely. Maggie’s heartbeat quickened and the Doppler picked up her anxiety for all to hear but then there was another beat. It was only faint, much faster and impossible to ignore. Maggie steeled herself for the crushing wave of panic she expected but instead, indescribable warmth flooded her chest and took her breath away. The trembling smile was on her lips even before she realised that
this
was how motherhood was meant to feel and she prayed for the strength to hold onto that feeling.

As they left the hospital, Maggie and James didn’t say a word. Maggie held Harvey’s harness in one hand and James’s hand in the other. Her ears were straining for the faintest echo of the tiny heartbeat that had swept away weeks of fear and self-doubt. She wanted to laugh. Instead she began to cry.

Her tears slipped silently down her face and it was only as they reached the car that James noticed. ‘Are you all right?’

There was no alarm in his voice; in fact Maggie could detect a smile. Harvey was a little more difficult to reassure and whined nervously as he settled into the caged compartment at the back of the car. Maggie rubbed behind his ears. ‘It’s OK, Harvey. Mummy’s … happy.’

James cupped his hands around her face and wiped away the tears with his thumbs. ‘Are you?’

‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘Of course.’

‘It’s just what you said in there, about there being “no going back”. I got the feeling you weren’t so sure. In fact, I’ve been wondering that for a while. You’re not the closed book you like to think you are.’

Maggie took one of his hands and kissed it gently. The sense of euphoria was still running through her veins and it made her brave enough to confess some if not all of her hidden fears. ‘It’s more a matter of not feeling ready, that’s all. There are so many new things to learn,’ she said. ‘But when I heard that heartbeat, I felt such a rush of love and it took me by surprise. So yes, honestly, I am happy.’

As James wrapped her in his arms, Maggie buried her head into his broad shoulders. His six-foot frame towered over Maggie’s slender figure and even though he was thickset, it was more muscle than flab thanks to an active working life. He was a builder by trade, a gentle giant who would protect her and keep her safe but he had a vulnerable side too and it was this that had attracted her to him more than anything.

Maggie’s first impressions of James hadn’t come from his appearance but the timbre of his voice and he had sounded lost. His ex-wife had just broken the news about moving down south and he had been suffering from stress-related eczema. It was Kathy, the owner of the beauty salon where Maggie worked and a good friend of James’s mum, who had suggested he try aromatherapy. Kathy’s poorly disguised matchmaking had cured James’s ailments far more effectively than the myrrh and sandalwood Maggie had massaged into his hands.

She raised her head towards her husband. ‘And are
you
happy?’ It was the first time she had acknowledged that James’s reaction to the pregnancy had been as muted as her own.

‘Yes.’

‘Really?’ Maggie asked, not getting the confirmation she needed.

‘I love you, Maggie, and marrying you and having this baby is the answer to all my prayers, but if I’m being really honest, the prospect of becoming a dad again is scaring me. I don’t want to get it wrong this time.’

‘You didn’t get it wrong last time. You’re a good dad,’ Maggie countered.

‘And you are going to be a fantastic mother. I know you’re missing your mum right now but I’m sure Joan is still around watching over you.’

Maggie recalled the empty seat next to her on the park bench and the sensation of her hand cutting through fresh air. ‘Maybe,’ she said.

‘So now your mum knows, don’t you think it’s about time we tell the rest of our parents?’ James asked as he helped her into the car. It wasn’t necessary but she knew he would be just as attentive of his pregnant wife even if she had perfect vision.

‘I don’t suppose we can put it off forever.’

James didn’t answer. He closed the passenger door and walked around to his side of the car giving them both time to collect their thoughts. Maggie had already told him the night before about her encounter with Lorna, although she had been economical with the details, mentioning only that the news was out. James would have phoned his parents there and then if Judith and Ken hadn’t been away visiting their grandchildren in Portsmouth. He wanted to be the one to tell Liam and Sam and to reassure them that the baby wasn’t going to alter his relationship with them. He hadn’t needed to explain why it wasn’t a good idea to attempt that while Judith was around to offer her own opinions.

James slipped behind the steering wheel and as he straightened his jacket, she heard the rustle of paper. The baby scan photo was burning a hole in his pocket. ‘This is good news we’re sharing,’ he reminded her.

‘I know and I’d like to hold on to that thought for as long as I can but let’s be realistic, James. Some people will find it difficult to accept that a blind person could ever be a fit and proper parent.’

‘Telling Mum and Dad won’t be as bad as you think,’ he said, acknowledging who it was they were talking about.

‘Do you really believe that?’

The pause that followed confirmed that he accepted that it wouldn’t be easy. His parents had struggled from the very beginning to comprehend why their son would take on such a burden as Maggie and despite concerted effort on the part of the newlyweds, she was still a relative stranger to her in-laws.

Maggie and James had been dating for almost a year before he had plucked up the courage to introduce her to his family. Liam and Sam had been staying with James over the summer holidays and he had organised a family barbeque so they could all get to know each other. The boys were curious about Maggie and amazed at her ability to carry out simple day-to-day tasks that they tried to imitate with their eyes closed. Their initial questions were blunt but openly innocent and Maggie had been more amused than offended. Judith’s questioning, by comparison, had been more akin to a cross-examination.

‘OK, we both know Mum has her own ideas about what’s best for her family but maybe when she hears about the baby, she’ll finally …’

James didn’t dare finish the sentence so Maggie finished it for him. ‘Accept me?’

‘She’s a good mum, Maggie. Overprotective of me, yes, but that’s only because she doesn’t want to see me hurt again. Maybe it would help if we spent more time with them.’

‘They seem to be able to find their way to Portsmouth far easier than the fifteen-mile trip from Nantwich. Your mum doesn’t like me, James. She doesn’t think I’m looking after you properly, she doesn’t think I can,’ Maggie said. She knew James was about to contradict her so she quickly added, ‘Take her reaction to finding out you make a packed lunch every morning. I was trying to explain how it’s to stop you pigging out on fast food but she was too busy being horrified that it was you making the lunch and not me.’ Maggie shook her head as if to free herself from a web of negative thoughts. ‘Even if I had perfect vision, I still wouldn’t live up to her expectations. No matter how hard I try, I’m never going to be good enough because I’m not Carolyn.’

‘I know, you’re nothing like my ex-wife and I thank God for that,’ James said with undisguised relief. ‘And for the record, I’m more than happy to make my own lunch, thank you very much. You’d only make me eat even more healthily.’ He paused hopefully for a smile that wouldn’t come. ‘Look, they’ll be coming home soon. How about we invite them over for dinner on Saturday?’

Maggie let her body sag and as the car engine roared into life it drowned out the sound of the tiny heartbeat that had echoed across her mind. ‘With any luck they’ll turn you down as usual.’

James chose to ignore her petulance. ‘Maggie, it’s going to be fine.’

‘OK, invite them – but only on the condition that I can invite Jenny along too. She’s been looking for an excuse to leave Mark holding the baby for a change and besides, I’ll need reinforcements.’

‘I don’t want you worrying about this. It doesn’t matter what other people think. What matters is us, the three of us.’

‘And the boys,’ she reminded him as if he needed it.

‘And our beautiful boys,’ he agreed. ‘At least I can guarantee you that
they’ll
be absolutely thrilled.’

Maggie closed her eyes. She wasn’t used to feeling sorry for herself but as she leant back against the headrest she swallowed back the bitter taste of bile. She didn’t want to come between James and his mum because she knew how much his family meant to him, but she couldn’t imagine how announcing they were having a baby would bring them any closer. As the second wife, Maggie was always going to be second best in Judith’s eyes and becoming a mother would only give her mother-in-law a new means of comparison with her predecessor. Maggie suspected that Lorna’s reaction would pale into insignificance compared to Judith’s – who would refuse to see beyond Maggie’s disability and her limitations. And on some matters, Maggie’s instincts were never wrong.

3

Maggie flexed her fingers absent-mindedly. It was Saturday morning and she was taking a moment out of what was going to be a busy day. She had everything she needed for dinner that evening but was trying not to think about it. Her heavy shopping bag lay abandoned at the side of the bench while Maggie filled her mind with the sounds of the park, which was busier than it had been for weeks. The weather was glorious and Maggie lifted her face to the violet sky to soak up the sun’s lemon rays and bring subtle light to the grey shadows that played across her vision.

Harvey was steadily lapping up water from his bowl, the soothing sound temporarily drowned out by the chatter of children rushing along the path towards the lake. Next she heard the heavy, rhythmic footsteps of a jogger. The runner took a deep breath before calling out hello to her. He didn’t pause for her reply but continued up the slope, his laboured breathing intensifying with the effort.

Harvey stopped drinking and gently nudged her hand in search of treats. It was a futile attempt and he knew it. To commit to this regime required willpower from both of them but there were occasional lapses and Harvey was hopeful. ‘How about some carrot sticks when we get home?’ she offered as consolation.

The dog gave a sharp snort of disapproval and then, reading her body language perfectly, settled at her feet. Maggie kept one hand on his leash and let the other trace the familiar contours of the bench and the empty place next to her, which continued to play on her mind.

She braved a smile as she listened to the children’s excited calls of encouragement to the ducks and placid quacks were soon replaced by a frenzy of flapping wings and splashing water. To ward off unwelcome thoughts that might drag her down beneath the surface of the lake, Maggie immersed herself in memories of the past. She remembered flinging pieces of bread high into the air as her mum gave a running commentary on the action being played out on the lake, remembered the buzz of excitement listening to the ducks fighting over the remnants of the picnic she and her mum had just shared sitting on their favourite bench.

But the memory was bittersweet, a reminder of all that she had had and all that she had lost. Maggie had always come across as confident and self-assured, but it was her mum who had instilled that sense of self-belief and without her guiding presence Maggie was losing her way. Of all the challenges she had faced in her life, having a baby would be the greatest test of all and one she couldn’t get wrong. It wasn’t only her life she was responsible for now.

Frightened by the future, Maggie retreated further into the past and disconnected from the world around her. There were so many memories to dip into … The park was where her mum had taught her how to explore the world through touch and smell and Maggie recalled the scents from those lost seasons one by one.

The sun dipped behind a cloud and a cool breeze swirled around her, carrying with it the distinctive smell of lilac perfume. It was vaguely familiar but Maggie resisted being pulled back to the present, stretching out her hand across the bench in a desperate attempt to hold on to the tenuous connection to her mum but her fingers touched the heavy material of a woollen coat giving Maggie a start and snapping her out of her reverie.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you,’ the woman next to her said.

Elsa couldn’t resist the chance to sit in the sunshine and chase away the chill that had crept into her bones. She wasn’t going to be put off by the children’s raucous laughter or the woman and her dog, who seemed to be claiming the park bench as their own. It was her bench too.

She had offered a friendly smile as she approached but the woman, whose eyes were hidden behind dark glasses, seemed to be in a world of her own so Elsa sat down next to her without a word. She breathed in the scent of the lilacs that came from the soap at Mrs Jackson’s house. Elsa wasn’t particularly keen on it but she didn’t want to offend Aunt Flo, as she insisted on being called. The old lady had taken her under her wing and seemed to genuinely care for her new charge.

But despite Aunt Flo’s fussing, Elsa was feeling more lost and alone than ever and it was as these feelings plagued her that the stranger sitting next to her had reached out her hand. They had both jumped in fright.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you,’ Elsa offered.

The woman, who looked only a little older than Elsa, gave her an apologetic smile. ‘No, I’m sorry. I was miles away.’