Where I Found You (6 page)

‘I don’t think anyone appreciates how much a baby can turn your life upside down until you have one. But you’re lucky you can leave her with Mark. Ken never was one for babysitting.’

‘Babysitting?’ Jenny demanded. ‘He’s her dad and we’re equal partners. He might need reminding of that now and again but that’s the deal. Wouldn’t you say so, Maggie?’

‘We’ll see.’

‘I’m so excited that Maggie and I are going to be mums together, Judith. It wasn’t that long ago when I thought it would never happen and I think Maggie probably thought the same. I couldn’t get pregnant and she thought she’d never find Mr Right but now look at us!’

‘Yes, James was a very good catch,’ Judith said.

Jenny kept her tone light as she responded to the cutting remark that sliced through the air. ‘And Maggie’s a bit of a catch too. Just look at those high cheekbones and that gorgeous body,’ she said, turning to her friend whose high cheekbones were starting to glow with embarrassment. ‘I’d give anything for a figure like yours, even now you’re three months gone. You don’t look pregnant at all.’

‘I certainly never would have guessed,’ Judith added, her reply measured and meaningful.

Jenny wouldn’t be put off. ‘I’m hoping she has a girl so she inherits Maggie’s looks. What about you, Judith? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a granddaughter for a change?’

‘I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about it.’

‘I expect it’s still a bit of a shock,’ Jenny said, a sting of accusation in her observation.

Judith sighed as if the weight of the world had been placed on her shoulders. ‘I still don’t know what they were thinking, Jenny.’

Maggie’s jaw clenched as she reeled in her emotions. There was frustrated disbelief that her mother-in-law was talking as if she wasn’t even in the room; there was anger that Judith wasn’t willing to give her a chance to prove herself as a parent; and then there was the ever-present fear for a future Maggie felt she no longer had control over.

‘Maybe they were thinking it would be nice to start a family?’

For a moment, all that Maggie could hear was the hammering of her heart then, without warning, music started blaring from beneath the table. Jenny muttered under her breath as she dug out her mobile from her bag. ‘It’ll be Mark. I can’t have one night off without some emergency or other. Sorry, Maggie, I’d better take this.’

Jenny slipped out into the hall and left the two women alone. Judith’s chair creaked softly as she was forced to turn and acknowledge her daughter-in-law’s presence again. ‘Have you seriously thought this through, Maggie?’ she asked. ‘How are you going to manage? We
could
help but we’re not getting any younger.’

Maggie would have been amused at the forced frailty in Judith’s voice if she hadn’t been quietly fuming. ‘I agree. I don’t know what James was thinking by asking you. I do want to go back to work but I can use the same nursery as Jenny. You really don’t have to worry on that count.’

‘But I do worry. How will you be able to afford it, especially if James is forced to cut back his hours too? It’s bound to affect his ability to provide for his family – and by that I mean the boys. I know it sounds harsh but I don’t see how this is going to work. I just don’t see it.’

‘And I thought I was the blind one,’ Maggie said. ‘My mum brought me up to believe that there’s nothing I can’t do if I put my mind to it. OK, so maybe I can’t drive a car and never will but I can still get myself from A to B.’

‘I agree. There are things you do that genuinely amaze me. The meal you made, the way you explained how you helped James decorate this room—’ Judith began.

‘Then give me a chance. These aren’t tricks I’m performing; this is the way I live my life.’

High heels tapped across wood as Jenny made her return. ‘Lily’s teething and Mark can’t settle her. Not surprising really given that he’s not home enough these days for her to recognise him. I’m so, so sorry, Maggie, but I have to go. I’ll say goodbye to the boys and send them back in to you,’ she said.

There were anxious hugs and a promise from Maggie to make up some teething gel once she was back in the salon on Monday and then Jenny was gone.

Judith sighed and, hearing James and Ken coming back down the hallway, couldn’t resist one parting shot. ‘If Jenny finds it hard going, how will you cope?’

It was the first statement from her mother-in-law that Maggie couldn’t argue against and in a desperate attempt to hold on to her crumbling confidence, she tried to recall the steady rhythm of her baby’s heartbeat. But it was the sound of waves slapping against the edge of the lake that filled her mind and she felt herself drowning in self-doubt.

5

On Monday morning, between her steady stream of clients, Maggie caught up with other chores. Occasionally she picked up the telephone but didn’t dial. She wanted to phone her dad and at least capture some of the joy being denied her, but now was not the time to tell him she was pregnant. Stan had struggled through the first year without his wife but by all accounts he was slowly adapting to his new way of life in Spain. If Maggie was ever going to convince him that she could manage without him then she would have to at least sound stronger than she felt right now.

Maggie inhaled the scent of clove bud as she prepared a gentle ointment to ease Lily’s teething pain. The essential oil’s stimulating properties weren’t enough to give her the courage she needed to step out of her treatment room but she left anyway.

‘You’ve had a busy morning,’ Kathy remarked. ‘I was starting to think you were avoiding me.’

Kathy had a perceptive eye that was an equal match for Maggie’s ability to read a person’s face by the tone of their voice. They each had their own ways of recognising a lie when they heard it so Maggie didn’t try. ‘I know she’s your friend, Kath, but—’

‘It’s all right, I know. I’ve spoken to Judith and she’s worked herself up into a right state. And I’m afraid I haven’t helped.’ Kathy sighed. ‘I let slip that I’d known for a while about the baby.’

‘Surely she can’t be surprised that I didn’t want to tell her? Her reaction was always going to be awful.’

‘And was it?’

This was exactly the line of questioning Maggie had wanted to avoid. So far she’d kept Judith’s most cutting remarks to herself, not wanting to put James in an awkward position, and it was the same with Kathy. ‘Why are you two such good friends again?’ she asked now.

‘Having an old grouch around makes me feel younger.’

Maggie returned the smile she had heard in Kathy’s voice. ‘And I always thought it was owning a beauty parlour that guaranteed you eternal youth,’ she said, although Kathy had a point. The two might be the same age but that was where the similarities ended. Whereas Judith was already changing down a gear, Kathy had no intention of growing old gracefully. Her hair was cut in a modern style, short and spiky to accentuate her fine bone structure and she described the colour as platinum blonde although it felt coarse enough to be completely grey without the helping hand of peroxide. As a regular to Maggie’s massage table, Maggie knew that Kathy hadn’t completely avoided the signs of aging, but although there were the odd wrinkles here and there, her skin was smooth and retained enough elasticity to keep her looks as youthful as her outlook.

‘Please don’t go losing sleep over Judith. She’s only panicking because she wants what’s best for James. And you,’ Kathy added but not quickly enough.

Maggie shrugged. ‘You were right first time. Sorry, Kath, but I have to go. I promised to meet Jenny at the bank,’ she said and made her escape before her resolve to keep quiet weakened even further.

Slipping on her sunglasses to block out the muted sunshine trickling across her vision, Maggie and Harvey headed in the direction of the bank, but no sooner had they set off than they came to a sudden halt.

‘Hi, I’m here,’ Jenny announced. She sounded out of breath as if she had been running. ‘The nursery phoned and they’re desperate for this miracle cure you promised me.’

‘How is Lily?’ Maggie asked as she handed it over. They turned together and continued along the route to the nursery, which was the same direction as the park where Maggie was heading next.

‘Red-faced and grumpy.’

‘And you?’

‘The same,’ Jenny quipped.

‘I’ve been worried,’ Maggie confessed. ‘I know you were annoyed with Mark for dragging you away last night but it sounded like there was more to it than that. What’s going on?’

‘Oh, something and nothing.’

They had reached the entrance to the park and came to a stop. ‘And the truth?’ Maggie said not willing to accept the prevarication.

Jenny sucked air through clenched teeth as she tried to hold back her feelings. It didn’t work. ‘Mark’s been working all the hours God sends and I know it’s tough for estate agents right now but he doesn’t seem to recognise how hard it is for me too. I’ve only been back at work a few weeks but I seem to be the one who’s expected to juggle everything: the baby, the job, and the house. Look at me now, rushing over to the nursery to look after our daughter on my so-called lunch break. It’s bloody hard, Maggie.’

Jenny’s breath caught in her throat but it was Maggie who gasped back the sob. The seed of doubt planted by Judith had burst through to the surface and was tearing up the foundations of the life Maggie’s mum had spent decades building for her daughter.

‘Maggie? What’s wrong?’ Jenny grasped both of Maggie’s hands in her own.

‘If you can’t cope then what hope do I have, Jen?’ she said in the barest whisper.

Jenny squeezed Maggie’s hands. ‘Don’t pay any attention to me, all I need is a bit of “me” time. What’s happened, Maggie? It’s bloody Judith, isn’t it?’

‘Yes … no … I don’t know. She thinks I’m deliberately setting out to destroy James’s life and I’m starting to think that’s exactly what I’ll end up doing. So much is going to change and it scares me. I want to have it all, Jenny. The baby, the job, the house,’ she said, making a feeble joke of Jenny’s earlier complaint, ‘but how can I? It’s not just about finding the time for everything; even the finances don’t stack up. If I went back to work then I’d have to put the baby in a nursery but I doubt I’d earn enough to cover the fees. That’s why James wanted Judith to help look after the baby. Thank God she doesn’t want to. Am I being selfish?’

‘You’re feeling overwhelmed, that’s all, but why make it harder than it needs to be? If I had the choice, I’d give up work like a shot and it might give you the time you need to settle into motherhood.’

Maggie’s heart sank. It wasn’t the answer she had wanted to hear. She wasn’t ready to give up the business she had worked so hard for.

‘But,’ Jenny continued, ‘if you’re insisting on being superwoman, so what if you can’t cover the nursery fees? Make James work twice as hard to make up the difference. It’s the least he can do for letting Judith upset you.’

Maggie wanted to smile but despite Jenny’s faith, her superhuman powers failed her. ‘James is blissfully unaware. All he remembers of Saturday night is demolishing a bottle of single malt in the kitchen with his dad to wet the baby’s head.’

‘He knows. Maybe he didn’t hear everything Judith said about the baby but he couldn’t ignore the constant references she made to Carolyn.’

‘Comparisons, you mean. I think she’s still waiting for the day when Carolyn realises she’s made a terrible mistake and begs James to take her back. But in answer to your question, yes he can ignore that too. Given the choice, James is more than happy to stick his head in the sand,’ Maggie said but then regretted her harsh assessment of her husband. ‘But that’s only because he’s such a gentle soul and that’s why I love him so much.’

‘Gentle soul or not, he won’t appreciate his wife pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. Talk to him.’

‘I don’t want to be the cause of a family rift, not after everything James has been through already.’

‘
You
wouldn’t be the cause of a rift, Judith would. Tell him.’

‘OK,’ Maggie said with no intention of doing so. ‘But only on the condition that you talk to Mark about how you’re feeling overwhelmed too.’

‘OK,’ Jenny said, sounding even less convincing than Maggie. ‘And we’ll make some time for us too. How about we hit the town and go clubbing?’

Maggie couldn’t help laughing even though she suspected Jenny wasn’t joking. ‘Or how about a yoga class?’ she countered, recalling the nights out with Jenny in Chester where she had spent most of her time apologising for standing on people’s toes on the dance floor.

Jenny relaxed now there was a smile on Maggie’s face and said, ‘Yes, I suppose we are meant to be sensible, married women these days. Now, I really am sorry, Maggie, but I have to get this to the nursery. Are you going to be all right?’

Maggie assured Jenny that she was and could almost believe it herself. As she and Harvey switched to autopilot and stepped into the park, she reminded herself of all the people in her life, willing her to succeed. Did it really matter that Judith wasn’t going to be one of them? She had good friends and a loving husband, not to mention an amazing midwife who was already putting together a support network that would give her all the necessary skills to take on motherhood.

It was only when she paused at the top of the slope leading down to the lake that Maggie’s fragile confidence began to disintegrate again. She turned her face towards the park bench as if she could see its wrought iron frame and achingly empty seats. Her mum was meant to be there, to share her daughter’s joy at fulfilling her lifelong ambition to be a mother and to help her prepare for her baby’s arrival. She was meant to be there to silence her doubters. But her mum wasn’t there and Maggie felt her absence more keenly than ever before.

Her legs had turned to lead as she made her way down towards the bench but each juddering step felt like a body blow. Her heart thudded against her chest, which had an invisible weight pressing against it. Gulping air desperately into her lungs, Maggie began to feel light-headed. Tears stung her eyes but couldn’t blur the image of the empty park bench she held in her mind. Why had she ever thought she could do this? She couldn’t stand up to Judith and, more importantly, she couldn’t look after a baby. Not on her own. She couldn’t do it.