Where Life Takes You (17 page)

“I fucked up,” he said, and the scene I’d been trying to avoid caught up with me. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me, princess. When we talked… you asked me not to bring it up, ever—unless you did. I don’t think less of you. To me, you’re the bravest, most wonderful person I’ve ever known.”

“Please, Dan, how can you say that? I’m a fake, an empty vessel whose value is less than nothing.” I stepped back and focused on my shoes. “You’ll be better off without me. I’m a big complication. Imagine how simple things will be after I disappear from your life.”

My heart broke a little at the idea of Dan living happily without me. The pain of missing holidays, movie nights, and quite evenings together rushed through my body. Another part of me I would have to numb for the rest of my life. It had been hard enough when he’d left me because I was hiding a secret, because—

Lightning struck. I got it.

He’d done it because he’d learned the truth. He couldn’t stomach being close to a dirty whore, a murderer. All those tears I’d held in flooded out of me. Dan wrapped me in his arms, and I couldn’t fight it. I held completely still, drinking in the last moments of us being together. He sat on the floor, pulling me on to his lap.

He stroked my hair. “Don’t cry, baby, you’re breaking my heart.” Dan whispered in my ear, keeping me secure in his strong arms.

Time passed and I couldn’t move. “I need to go.” When I was finally able to talk, I noticed his shirt was soaking and my eyes were swollen.

“Bex, baby, you can’t leave me.” He adjusted me until we were face to face. His eyes reflected vulnerability, sadness, and something else—that mysterious something I’d seen before. Pity, perhaps. “You’re a dense girl.” He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “Not that it matters right now. What’s important is that I don’t judge you for what happened to you. If Ian were alive, I’d be killing him with my bare hands for touching you. The first time you should’ve told me, Becca. I would’ve taken care of him and…. No, I should stop.” He took a deep breath.

I tilted my head and looked at him for the first time. “Stop?” I frowned.

“Since I learned about what he did to you, I keep thinking about all the ways I could’ve prevented the entire episode. If I’d paid more attention to you…. Lisa was bullying you, and no one—”

“Don’t do that to yourself.” I touched his cheek, interrupting him.

Knowing Dan, I didn’t doubt he had a team of scientists working on a time machine to save me from myself. Not that it would make a difference. To save me he’d have to travel all the way to the time my parents conceived me, and stop them from doing it. That was Dan though, always taking care of his own.

“I don’t deserve you.” I kissed his jaw and placed my head over his chest, defeated and unable to think about my next move. Leaving him would be ideal, but my strength had disappeared—he’d taken it away.

“It’s the other way around, love.” He kissed the top of my head. “I’m aware you had a troubled childhood, and your teenage years… to say that they sucked is an understatement. But I couldn’t bear losing you.”

His fingers tilted my chin up and he gradually lowered his face. His eyes darkened a little. Dan met my lips with a light tender touch, sending shocks of electricity through my entire body. I closed my eyes and hid my face into his chest, not knowing how to react. Ian’s story wouldn’t be repeated, I wouldn’t fall in love with my best friend.
One more minute
, I told myself. I needed to collect myself before my next move
.  Abscond
.

“Sorry,” he whispered in my ear.

I quivered when he feathered my hair with kisses, ending with my cheek.

Get out!
My self-preservation instincts screamed.

Back when I was in college, I’d developed small crushes on Dan, but controlled them after he left town or I left for school. When I moved to Massachusetts, I learned to live with the hot guy next door. There was no way in hell he would have any interest in me. The guy dated supermodels and actresses. Someone like me couldn’t compare to them; I was damaged goods. Plus, I couldn’t ruin our friendship—he was home to me. The only family I had.

I heard steps approaching us. “Dan.”  Tyler sounded too close for comfort. I stiffened, afraid of his reaction, and wondering if he’d seen Dan kiss me. “Mary is serving dinner, and Connor is gone. How’s my sister?”

“I’m sorry, Ty,” I managed to answer. I tried to move from Dan’s arms, but he didn’t let me. It was as if he was afraid I’d bolt.

“We’ll talk later, Becca. It’s not the time—”

A sob escaped me, and Dan clutched me tighter.

“Dinner.” Raj came over. How many people were still in the house? They should have left me; I didn’t matter anymore. “I’m serious, Becca. You’re running on empty. I worry.”

“Ask Mary to set her dinner up in the room.” Dan decided. “I don’t think she’s ready to see anyone. I’ll catch up with you guys when she calms down.”

“Do you need a sedative, baby girl?” Raj was not only a doctor, but also a mother hen.

“No, I’ll be fine.” For now. I kept my face hidden. I wasn’t ready to face any of my friends. Not after what they’d learned about me.

Nothing else was said, and minutes later I heard another person coming into the room. “Dinner is served, sir,” Mary announced. “Becca, call me if you want me to bring you anything, honey. I’m here for you.”

What did I need? Gun, pills, rope, the rooftop…. Not worth continuing the charade that was my life. Everyone loved me and respected me because I wasn’t a slut. Not a liar who’d pushed her ex-boyfriend to kill. Mom was right, I was a murderer. I might not have pulled the trigger, but in the end, I created the situation. Five months. If only I had waited five more months, I could’ve disappeared from everyone. Got lost among the seven billion people who shared the planet.

Dan’s mouth brushed my ear sending shivers through my entire body. “Bex, you need to eat.” I shook my head at him, and also the sensation I felt with his words. “Don’t do this, baby, don’t go to your dark place. It takes a lot to rescue you from there.” The tone of desperation in his voice pulled me a little out of the haze I was falling into. “I’m begging you to stay with me, and I don’t mean only physically, but also mentally. Love, burying yourself on those lands where gloom and sadness prevail isn’t good for you.” 

“Who heard, Dan?”

Silence.

“Ty, Raj, Drew, Mary, Connor, of course, and… fill in the blank, please.”

“Why does it matter? Everyone, with the exception of Connor, is family. We all love you, Becca.” Those words undid me, setting the cascade of tears on full mode—again. Daniel was dense; he didn’t understand that, just like him, the rest of what he called my family would abandon me. Disgusted by the real me.

Raj, at least, would stick around until Mom died. He was like a big brother to me—the thought of losing him intensified the pain, making me sob louder.

“Baby, tell me how to make this better. If I could, I’d take the pain from you. I would.”

I wouldn’t allow it. The pain was unbearable, and I wouldn’t wish it to anyone. Least of all my best friend. I loved him too much to wish this on him.

“Dan?” Raj’s voice was loud enough to penetrate the sobs I couldn’t control.

“Do it, Raj. I can’t take this anymore. She’s suffering too much.”

What are they doing?

I opened my eyes and saw, as I turned, a needle hovering over my bicep.

“Take that away from me.” I woke up from my foggy state, but it was too late. After I felt a small pinch, the liquid he pushed through the syringe began to spread inside my body. “Why?” I looked up to meet Dan’s eyes.

“I’m hoping after you rest things might look different, Becca. You might not know it, but we’ve been here for more than five hours. I can’t watch you cry anymore, not when I’m unable to do anything to make it better for you.” Dan brushed the hair out of my face. “Sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow.”

“That’s why you left, isn’t it? You’re disgusted by me?” I finally said it out loud.

“Far from it, Becca. But that discussion is for later. Neither of us is ready. You less than me.” His intense gaze held mine, bringing me a little closer to him.

“There’s that look,” I said. My eyelids were getting heavier; it became hard to keep them open. And I lost the look again, without knowing what it meant.

Dan arched an eyebrow. “What look?”

Hard to explain. Anyway, it was gone. Replaced by an inquisitive gaze that began to fade, just like everything else around me. “Don’t leave me again, Dan. Not now. I need you.”

The world slipped away.

Chapter 18

I spent the following week mostly across the hall with Mom, who had a rough week. Her body temperature lowered so much that we had to change her blankets every hour to keep her warm. By Tuesday, the medical supply company had switched the small blanket warmer for an industrial one—Dan’s way to make my life easier. If that could ever be possible again. The nurse on duty and I, took turns massaging her feet and hands to keep them lukewarm. She had on and off periods of consciousness, barely speaking to anyone—including Greg.

“The nurses can do that, Becca,” Dan or Ty would say each time they found me massaging Mom, changing her blankets, or moisturizing her lips with Vaseline swabs. The only thing I did leave to the nurses was diaper duty—a task I couldn’t handle. Which meant dealing with the well-intentioned rants: “Take a break. Rest. You need to get out of the apartment, Becca. Eat more. Relax. Leave your mother for a while. You need a breather, Rebecca.”

I couldn’t do it. After all, Mom had lost Lisa because of me. Ian had pulled the trigger because of me. It was my moral obligation to make Mom’s lasts days bearable. If only she woke up long enough for me to apologize, make amends. Perhaps before she left this world, she’d forgive me. Maybe even like me a little.

I took a deep breath while I continued massaging Mom, hoping today—tonight, technically—would be the day she’d let me say sorry to her. Greg had gone to bed earlier, so it was just her and me. Well, and the nurse napping in the living room. The noise of the front door opening and closing, and heavy steps coming toward Mom’s room, made me tense. The fact that Dan hadn’t got the message that I didn’t want anything to do with him irritated me.

I needed to distance myself from him, and erase what had happened with him on Sunday. Perhaps go back all the way to erase myself from his life.

“Bex.” I didn’t turn to see him, only nodded in acknowledgment. “Time for bed, love. Your five more minutes were over two hours ago. It’s past midnight.”

“Not done yet.” He behaved as if there wasn’t a huge wall between us, as if he hadn’t begun the construction a couple of months ago. I put in the final bricks. “Go back to your house, I’ll crash here tonight.”

“Rita,” Dan called the nurse who entered the room. “Please take over for Miss Trent.”

He put one arm under my knees and held my back with the other, lifting me bridal style. “You told me the same yesterday, and didn’t sleep all night. This has to stop. We hired four nurses so there would be one available at all times.” Dan had hired an extra hand on Monday, when one of nurses didn’t get to her shift on time due to traffic. This way, he had them overlapping during the day.

He walked to his house with me in his arms, keeping a tight grip on my body, since I refused to touch him. “You keep pushing me, princess.” For the first time, I looked at him.
Was there a lecture coming?
“I’m here for you. You and me against the world—always.” Carefully, he opened the door to his place with one hand, and without putting me down.

I tried to jump out of his arms, but he didn’t let me. “No, Becca. I’m done with your little tantrum. Of course I have no idea what you went through, the pain you endured, or the memories you fight every day. But you’re not alone.” He sighed with frustration. “Damn it, Rebecca, look at me. You’re hurting me with your attitude.”

That got my attention. I didn’t mean to, and didn’t want to hurt him, but I had a hard time being close to him. Not only because he now knew my dark side, but because of the peck he’d given me on Sunday. It still lingered on my lips, as if he had just done it. Making me long for another one—a kiss that would last longer than that one light brush. Dan’s presence had affected me ever since that night, and being a foot away from him stirred things inside my body that I didn’t like.

I needed to put some distance between us, and he wouldn’t allow it—what a cycle.

“I don’t mean to hurt you.” His gray eyes looked sad. Hurt. “You’re my favorite person. The last thing I want is to inflict any pain. But….”

I lowered my gaze to my lap when he sat us on the couch—safer than looking into his eyes—and sighed with relief. The security lasted all of three seconds, until he tilted my chin up with his fingers. I clamped my mouth shut, afraid to say something stupid and lose him before I was ready.

“I’m scared shitless of what’s going on in your head, baby.”

My eyes grew wider. Was I that obvious? No, wait. What was he picking up? Not even I knew what emotion was passing through my mind each second. There were too many to show at the same time—I hoped.

“I’m afraid of the way you want to disappear. I saw your browsing history.” His husky voice sounded like a whisper. “Guns?” He paused. taking a deep breath. “Becca, take my hand and pull yourself out of that hell-hole. I can see you being consumed by the guilt you’re carrying. You only sleep a few hours each night taking care of Donna. The woman never gave you a glance, so why torture yourself trying to prove to her that you can be the ideal daughter?”

“I was feeling under the weather Tuesday night,” I confessed as much. Because the moment hadn’t gone away. Then it occurred to me that the medicine cabinet had been emptied today. “Is that why you cleaned all the medicines from the house?”

He gave me a stern nod.

“If I wanted to, I could just go to the pharmacy.”

“Becca, I’m sure you can find a way to kill yourself.” He paused, his Adam apple moved slowly. “And me in the process.”

“I wouldn’t touch you,” I interjected.

“I’ll be dead alive if you do something like that.” His voice trembled, and he didn’t do a good job of hiding the moisture in his eyes. It revealed how much pain I was inflicting on him. Never in my entire life had I seen him so vulnerable.

Not thinking twice, I put my arms behind his neck and hugged him, placing my cheek against his. “Don’t be sad, Danny. You can’t be gloomy because of me.”

He hugged me tight with one arm and stroked my back with the other. “Then let me back in, princess. It’s scary to be outside that bubble, especially when I can see that you’re painting the pretty pink walls black. Bed time?”

“Would you stay with me?” A cowardly way to confront the nightmares, using my security blanket —Dan. “You’re good at scaring those bad dreams away.”

“Bex.” I dropped my chin, because there was a ‘no’ coming, and I couldn’t take it. I was too fragile for rejection.

“That’s fine. You don’t have to,” I said, defeated.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” He tilted my head back up and gave me the playful half-smirk he wore when he won something. “I was trying to come up with the right words to make you promise that you won’t do anything crazy. Like buying a gun, or thinking of ways to snuff yourself. I might go Romeo on you if you do.”

“Romeo?” I asked, because if he was referring to the Shakespearean tale that would make me Juliet and we were—we were only friends.

“Just promise me, little thing, that you’ll seek help before harming yourself.” I nodded. “Put those pretty arms around me—I’m taking you to bed.”

* * * * *

Morning came too soon. Dan’s half of the bed was empty, though the sheets were rumpled, and his scent lingered on his pillow. I moved from my side to his, so I could indulge in the aroma for a few more minutes before I had to leave the bed and face reality.

One more minute and you need to let go, I ordered myself.

“Bex.”

Retreat, retreat, we’ve been compromised.

I lifted my head from his pillow and tried to act normal. Wrapped in a towel around his waist, his muscular chest and impressive abs stared at me. I moved my gaze to safer ground—his face—to find a sexy grin and those gray eyes half-covered by his damp hair. “Need a bigger bed?”

I shook my head.

“Get dressed. I was thinking of taking you out.”

“I need to check on Mom, and I’ve got work to do.”

“Steve’s covering for you, and Donna has nurses.” He moved towards the walk-in closet. “I’m thinking aquarium.”

“No, I can’t go there. Or the zoo, or—” Those places reminded me of Grandma, Ian, and the happy childhood I’d once had.

He pressed his lips into a thin line, and walked away from me heading downstairs.
Fine, one more minute sniffing the pillow, and then you get out of bed
. I left the comfort of Dan’s bed and his precious aroma behind. In exchange I went to the bathroom, took a shower, and dressed. After I finished with the tedious task, I headed to the kitchen where Ty was eating breakfast while making faces at his computer screen.

I arched an eyebrow, and Dan, who sat next to him, mouthed Matt.

“Morning, Mary,” I said, when she placed a small bowl of granola and yogurt in front of me.

“Tea?” Those were the first three words we’d exchanged since Sunday. Since then, I'd waited until she’d left the kitchen to prepare myself something. I nodded. “Eggs or pancakes?”

“Chocolate chips?” I said wishfully.

“Extra, if you want.” She gave me a smile when I finally dared to look at her.

I stood up because my behavior toward her had been unreasonable. “I’m sorry.” I hugged her.

“The offer is still standing, Becca. I’m here if you need to talk.”

I nodded after releasing her from the hug. “Mary. On second thought, I’ll just eat the yogurt. I’m not really hungry… but if you can spare a few chocolate chips, then that will make my day.”

Dan shook his head, and smiled at my chocolate chip request. Ty continued Skyping. After breakfast I went to check on Donna, whose condition hadn’t changed since I’d left the night before. Greg switched her blanket while the nurse massaged her. Her muscles had disappeared, and she was a skeleton. When I rubbed her, I could feel brittle bones under her dry skin. No matter the amount of lotion we applied, her skin was drying. Every day, a new sore appeared around her mouth, or on her body. They medicated her through the IV, and fed her liquids with names I didn’t bother to remember. Soon I had to reconcile the tall blond demure woman with the frail body that agonized with every breath.

“Mom.” Greg and I turned to Donna, who mumbled with her eyes closed. “I’m not feeling well. Make it go away, Mommy.” I went to grab her hand, but Greg beat me to it, and didn’t let me get close to her. I understood he wanted her last minutes for himself. She started moaning.

“Is it time for her pain medication?” I asked the nurse.

She checked the homemade chart, and then her watch and nodded. From a locked cabinet, she grabbed a small glass bottle, extracted the liquid in it, and injected it into the IV. Morphine, read the bottle when I glanced at the trashcan next to me.

“Don’t get any ideas.”

I jumped. Where had he come from? “I’m not—”

“We’re leaving,” Dan interrupted, and then pressed his lips together and gave the glare that indicated he was watching me.

I crossed my arms, challenging him, because until Donna died, I had decided it was my place to be next to her.

“Becca, I’ll carry you if necessary. You need to get outside of this fish tank and take a breather. There are plenty of places to visit in Boston, or we can even drive down to New York if you want. Take the plane for the weekend and go to a beach. Or if nothing appeals, we can always visit Dr. Mackenzie.”

Was he serious?

Take the day off from caring for your Mom. Let’s take a ride to see your therapist, because I think you’re getting worse. Nice.

He could’ve saved some time by just carrying me to the nearest mental health facility. “Did you call her?”

“Sunday.” He took a deep breath. “After we sedated you; she told me to bring you whenever you were ready. Noon or six, any day, she would cancel her allotted meal times.”

“You told her?” My hands automatically clenched into fists. I wanted to punch him, but doubted I could do any damage to those steel abs.

“No,” he retorted, offended. He took a step forward, and I took one backward, avoiding his touch. “I informed her you had a breakdown, and we had to sedate you because there was no way to calm you. She went ahead and offered those times.”

Why didn’t she mention it when I called to cancel my appointments?
Call me when things calm
, she’d said, after I mentioned Mom was under my care and I couldn’t go for a while. Not a lie, just a tweaked truth. “I’ll go when I’m ready. Not today. Or next week, even.”

“Becca, don’t get mad at me.” He ran a hand through his hair and blew out some air that moved the strand touching his forehead. “What happened to us?” At last, he saw the wall between us.

Not thinking, I responded. “This was you, Dan. You created this big barricade when you left me. And you did it when I needed you the most, because—” I stopped, reminding myself where I was. We couldn’t say anything in front of Greg. I wasn’t going to tell my stepfather what had really happened to Lisa. That would give him enough ammunition to…. I didn’t know what he could do to me. Have me arrested as an accessory to her murder?

Dan didn’t ask. He took my hand and pulled me outside the apartment, rushing me through the hallway to get to his place. After he opened the door and made sure I’d gone in, he slammed it, and then hurried me through the living room and headed to the terrace. Most of the trip from point A to B—the outside top roof—I felt like a kite being flown by a tornado. I was thankful I didn’t trip while climbing the stairs. I had to skip steps to avoid him ripping my arm off.