Where Love Finds You (The Unspoken Series) (12 page)

I listened. Waited. Wondered who called.

Her phone fell to the ground, along with her body. 

I picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Sarah?”

“No, this is her friend. Who is this?”

“This is Dr. Wharton. Please have Sarah call me back tomorrow to set up an appointment. We’ll need to go over some things.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you.”

I don’t remember if I said goodbye. Sarah, on our living room floor in fetal position, took me to another world. A world I didn’t want to be in. Young, like she said. How could this be? Why Sarah? Why not me?

I sprawled out on the floor next to her, head against hers. Sometimes sound isn’t needed to express pain. Sometimes the most painful cries are the ones no one can hear. The noiseless whimpers that we hold inside. Maybe we’re too afraid of what people think of us. Maybe we are too afraid to let the pain out because we don’t want to admit it’s there. Maybe we’re afraid to start because we’ll never stop. Whatever the reason, Sarah didn’t cry aloud. Her body, still and warm, occasionally stopped breathing. We stayed there for hours. I pretended to sleep while she pretended not to cry. Minutes ticked by, turning the night into a new day, a new page of life to scribble on. We barely slept. Her, too afraid to close her eyes. Me, too afraid to not be there if she let loose. She never did. We remained there, on the living room floor, as the outdoor lights and sounds lulled us and her silent sobs escorted us to sleep. 

We woke up the next morning, early, still on the floor. 

“What am I going to do?” Sarah said before most of the city rose for another day of life, another day of life without thinking about death.

I turned to my side and looked at her. “It will be okay.” 

“This is surreal.”

“It is.”

The quiet morning soothed our thoughts. Birds sang to us from somewhere outside the window. So many moments in our friendship were filled with that comfortable silence only close friends share. This time, I wished for the words to say. The silence knifed through my heart and chopped it into pieces, so many pieces that I couldn’t put it back together to find the words to say.

I guess there are some moments in life that don’t deserve the spoken word. Actions are louder and deeper than words could ever be. So, I stayed there with her, in the muted living room, until she finally stood.

“I’m feeling better now,” she said. “Thank you for being you.”

I stood and hugged her. “I’m here. I know you well. You will survive this with a smile. You’re the only person I know who could smile your way to the grave if that’s what it came to. This is just the initial shock.”

“You’re right. I am not going to let this break me. I’m going to smile.”

And with that, we smiled our way to the kitchen.

 The week passed and no, I didn’t agree to another blind date. I did spend more time with Heidi, though. We finished the living room and dining room and started priming the master bedroom. Not the most pleasant situation in the world, but the bedroom obviously meant more to her than any other room. She didn’t talk much as we primed the walls. She didn’t spend much time in the room with me at all, actually. I think it made her too emotional and she didn’t want to cry in front of me. 

Thankfully, I couldn’t make it back until Tuesday, when Gavin decided to come with me. At least I wouldn’t be alone as we splashed the primed walls with streaks of crushed berry and charcoal. 

She never explained the crushed berry and charcoal colors to me. I didn’t expect her to.

Gavin and I stopped in
Chances
on the way to Heidi’s. Iced coffees were becoming a must-have for my morning start-up routine. Gavin ordered a hot coffee on a humid August day. Never understood that. Dee helped us. We got to know her pretty well. Nice girl. Funny, she asked me if I’d be willing to go on a blind date with the owner. 

“Would that mean I get more of my art in here by default?” Gavin said.

She smiled and gave him his coffee. “I would think so. Especially if it’s of Mateo here.”

‘Blind-dates aren’t my thing.” I sipped my coffee and looked around. “Look, one of your paintings is already up.”

Gavin spun around. “Ah, the one of you and Lydia.”

“Is that you?” Dee asked.

I nodded.

“Is that your girlfriend?”

Gavin nodded.

“We just broke up after a very long relationship,” I said.

“What happened?” She covered her mouth. “Am I saying too much? Please tell me to shut up if I say too much. I have a tendency—”

“No, it’s fine,” Gavin said. “Matt here is doing a little soul-searching. He’ll figure it all out soon enough. Is the owner here, by the way? I’d really like to thank her for giving me a chance.”

Coffee went down the wrong hole. I tried to cough without spraying them and ended up coloring my shirt caramel.

“You alright, man?” Gavin hit my back. 

The bells on the door turned our attention to a middle-aged business woman. Gavin and I stepped away from the counter. 

“We’ll talk to you soon, Dee,” Gavin said. “Tell the owner I really appreciate it.”

We walked outside and got into my truck. 

“What happened with the coffee in there?” Gavin said as I pulled off and stopped at a red light.

“I don’t know. It’s not like I did it on purpose.”

He leaned on the window and looked ahead. “So, you think you’ll go on a date with the owner of
Chances
? What are the chances that she is the woman of your dreams?”

“Funny.”

“I’m serious. Why not? Kinda weird that Dee asked you and not both of us, isn’t it? Maybe it’s a sign.”

“Not interested.”

“Why not?”

“Number one, she’s a business woman. Number two, she sounds snobby. Number three, she has classy taste.” He pointed at his newly stained and not-so-classy t-shirt. “Number four, I hate blind dates. Number—”

“Alright, alright. How many numbers do you have?”

“A lot. Point being: I’m not interested.”

A few songs later and we ended up at Heidi’s house. Gavin helped me carry some supplies to the door, but most of it I left at her house since I’d planned on coming back so much.

My knuckles barely reached the door when she yanked the door open and screamed so loud Gavin and I both jumped back. I don’t know about him, but my heart flew back to the truck.

She bent over, holding her stomach and laughing. “That was a good one.”

Gavin looked at me. I looked at him. 

“You feeling okay today, Heidi?” I laughed.

Gavin finally caught on. “Well, nice to meet you, too.”

“You must be Gavin.” She held out her hand, holding back more laughter. “I’ve heard much about you.”

They shook hands as we entered the house. So glad he didn’t say, “Likewise.”

Heidi led us to the bedroom and we got our stuff ready right away. Gavin helped me out sometimes so he knew the drill. We worked in silence for a few minutes until Heidi started up the iPod. 

“How long have you two been friends?” She sat on the floor and crossed her legs.

Gavin looked at me. “Too long.”

“You guys seem pretty close.”

“We’ve been best friends since tenth grade,” I said as I focused on painting. “Gavin and I are polar opposites in a lot of ways, but the same in others. I paint on walls, he paints on canvas. We both like coffee, but he likes it hot and I like it cold. We’re both passionate and extreme in some ways, but he’s more consistent and stable, whereas I fluctuate depending on every factor imaginable.”

“He’s not lying.” Gavin laughed. “The guy could be laughing and happy one minute, the next he’s playing depressing songs on the piano and won’t talk to you no matter how much you pry him.”

“At least I am pry-able, oh mysterious one.”

Heidi put her arms behind her back and leaned back. “So how did you guys meet?”

“We went to separate high schools,” I said. “But Gavin was dating a girl at my school and ended up at my homecoming dance. And, well . . . .”

Gavin smiled. “Mine as well spill it all.”

“Both of our dates ended up dancing with the cooler guys all night long. I guess you could say we were destined to be friends.”

Her eyes lit up. “That is hilarious. And you guys were together ever since?”

“Yeah,” Gavin continued our story, “and we helped each other through many failing relationships, which, now that I think of it, all had to do with girls ditching us for someone else.”

“Sounds harsh,” she said . “Guess that’s what happens to the nice guys, huh? They always say nice guys finish last.”

Gavin stopped painting and looked at Heidi. “Who are ‘they’ anyway? That’s what I’d like to know. Why did they have to say anything at all?”

We all laughed. Gavin and I continued painting. Heidi watched, thinking about Andy I’m sure. So thankful for Gavin’s presence in the room. The silence didn’t seem awkward. We just listened to music and painted to the melodies. Minutes added up to an hour and Gavin tapped my shoulder.

I looked behind me. At him. Then her.

She dried her cheeks with her sleeve and caught my gaze.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s this song. And this room.”

Not sure I wanted to know why Weezer’s Buddy Holly had a link to her husband in the bedroom, but I can’t say it didn’t peak my curiosity.

“You okay?” I said instead.

“Thank you guys for doing this. I really appreciate it.”

Gavin and I put our rollers down and sat against an unpainted wall a few feet from her.

One leg up, one leg extended straight, back against the wall, arm resting on knee, Gavin waited a few minutes, knowing I didn’t know how to handle these situations like he did. He could draw the heart out of people like their wells never ran dry. I’d spend hours pulling up buckets and leave with nothing, unless they wanted to offer some for free. He always made people feel better. I tended to remain speechless. He’s the hugger. I’m the listener. Both are nice, but sometimes people just need a hug and I’m a little awkward in the physical affection area.

He reached forward and turned off the music. “Heidi, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”

She shook her head.

“What do you think life is?”

She fixed her eyes on the bay window ahead of us, inhaled deeply, then tried to speak. Nothing came out. She shook her head.

“I guess what I’m asking is, what is the purpose of your life?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “You caught me off guard because for so long my life wrapped itself around Andy’s heart and I haven’t thought of life outside of him. I’m not sure if I want to.”

“I can understand that,” I said.

“I can, too,” Gavin added. “But I tell this to Matt a lot, and I’ll say it to you as well. When we wrap our lives around people or circumstances they will crumble. Matt’s life is like a roller-coaster because it is based on the things around him, not the things inside of him.”

“Don’t worry, Heidi, he tells me this all the time.”

“No, no. It’s good. Keep going.”

“I know you love Andy and always will, and trust me, I can’t tell you how much I admire that your ring is still firmly planted on your left hand with no desire to be planted anywhere else.”

She twirled the ring on her finger as she focused on Gavin’s words.

He pulled his knees to his chest. “I really admire that. I’d never tell you to change that or move on. I’m sure you hear that enough. What I would tell you is to continue to live your life. Your baby needs you to live. And I know Andy would want you to show your child his life by living it for him. You aren’t just Heidi anymore, when you married him you became one person.”

“I know what you mean,” she said. “I guess that’s why it’s so hard for me to stop crying. A piece of me, literally, is gone.”

“It is, but Andy is alive to you. That’s something you’ve made clear. Why not continue living his life through your own? Obviously you can’t be him, but part of marriage is growing into better people. The years you would have spent together would have been challenging because they would have taught you to grow in areas you are weak and Andy is strong. There’s no reason you have to stop that just because he is gone. Become more like him. Write down his good qualities, the one’s that are opposite of yours. And spend your life growing in those areas.”

“Well, one thing is for sure.” She smiled. “Andy would not be sitting on the floor crying to the painters.”

Waiting for Sarah to come out of the doctor’s office and tell me the news couldn’t have felt longer. Music didn’t even help. Only made me feel worse. So I resorted to silence. Lots and lots of silence. Thoughts bounced back and forth, back and forth, creating enough noise in my brain to make up for the lack of music in my car. I leaned back in the driver’s seat and closed my eyes. My own life flashed in still images on the back of my eyelids, taunting me with the past, teasing me with the anticipated future.

I didn’t want my life to be like this. I expected to play the violin for the rest of my life, serenading my groom on our wedding day. Since that day, that haphazard so-typical-of-Ella day, my life hasn’t been the same. Carefree and unplanned, I was the type of girl who drove hours at random just to see the sunset dye the Chesapeake Bay pink and orange. My parents told me to calm down more times than I can count. Sarah, believe it or not, told me to get serious or I’d never make it anywhere in life. It’s not like I was a party girl. I didn’t stay out late and I didn’t break the rules, or at least not often. I valued this part of my personality so much. Until it completely ruined the one thing I worked my entire life for.

Being a disorganized packer I always waited until the last minute. I had one hour to make it to the airport, not far from me. Plenty of time, I told myself.

The images still haunted me. If I would’ve done one thing different, just one thing, my entire life would be a different story right now. I’d be on a different chapter, in a different plot, in a different setting. The characters would be different, the pages would be interesting, everything would be the way it was supposed to be.