Where My Heart Belongs (11 page)

Sunny made a frantic search through the house for a tape player. She grimaced at the thought of having to ask Kathy. She didn’t even know if her sister was aware that their mother had left the tape for Sunny. What if she wasn’t and it proved to be just one more thing that separated them and caused ill will?

The letter had been brief and had only whetted Sunny’s need for more. Her mother had expressed her worry about where Sunny had gone and whether she’d ever see her daughter again. She talked about how she prayed Sunny would come home before she died but knew her time was short. She promised she had said more in the tape, and perhaps that’s why Sunny felt a growing need to hear it.

“Maybe I should just drive over to Hays and get a player,” she whispered to the air. If she did that, Kathy wouldn’t need to know. She sighed. Hadn’t this family suffered enough from secrets and unspoken thoughts?

She heard Kathy come in from the back porch. The screen door always made a distinctive sound when it opened or closed. Sunny smiled at the familiarity. It was nice that some things had not changed in her absence.

Sunny deliberated for a moment, wondering if Kathy would linger there in the kitchen or seek out Dad. Surely she would want to check up on him. But as she strained to listen, Sunny was convinced by the scraping of the chair against the kitchen floor that Kathy had decided to remain where she was.

She marched with a determined step to the kitchen, but slowed down with the last few steps. “Do you mind the intrusion?” Sunny asked.

Kathy looked up from the table. She had a stack of mail in front of her. “I figured you’d still be with Dad.”

“He was tired. I didn’t want to overtax him.”

Kathy nodded and went back to sorting. “I have some sandwich fixings in the fridge if you’re hungry. I suppose I should really start planning better for our meals. I’ve let the supplies get way down since I knew I’d soon be leaving.”

“Who bought the farm?”

Kathy grimaced. “No one, yet.”

“Oh. I figured the way you were packing and . . .”

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

Sunny could see that Kathy was upset and decided to change the subject back to their meal planning.

“I can always buy food for us,” Sunny offered. “I was thinking about going to Hays for a couple of other things anyway. Maybe if you made a list, I could just get it all while I’m there.”

“I suppose I could.”

Kathy’s response surprised Sunny. “Good. I’d like to help.”

Her sister straightened and met Sunny’s gaze. “Did he give you the letter and tape?”

Sunny felt almost as if she’d been punched in the stomach. She could only nod. She felt helpless to ask about the tape player situation, but Kathy seemed to have the matter under control.

“There’s a radio cassette player upstairs in your old bedroom. I put it there to listen to music when I’m sorting out junk.”

“Thanks. I did look around a bit to see if there was one down here,” Sunny admitted. “It was one of the things I thought I might need to buy in Hays.”

“No sense in it unless you need one otherwise.”

Sunny fidgeted with the hem of her blouse as an awkward silence fell between them. Kathy went back to work looking through the mail. She seemed grateful for something to do.

Finally Sunny blurted out the one question she could not seem to force from her mind. “How did you know about the tape?”

Kathy shrugged. “I helped her make it.”

The statement made Sunny feel even more uncomfortable. “You helped her make it?”

“She was too weak to do it alone. She couldn’t remember how to make the thing work, so she asked for my help. She worked on it a little each day for about two weeks.”

Sunny didn’t know what else to say. She put her hand into her pocket and felt the tape for reassurance. “I guess I’ll go listen to it.”

“I’ll make us some lunch.”

Sunny went upstairs without further comment. She wanted desperately to hear her mother’s voice—to know whatever Mom wanted to share with her, yet she was also worried about Kathy. Apparently the sale of the farm, or lack thereof, was a real concern. Sunny made a mental note to ask about it again later.

Pushing open the door to her old bedroom, Sunny felt the past come rushing at her. The faded pink print curtains still hung at the single window. Her mother had made those curtains and Sunny—no, Amy—had despised them. She had shown her mother some curtains she liked in a catalog, but rather than buy them her mother had tried to make them. They were a poor substitute, and Amy had made certain her mother knew it.

I was so cruel. So inhumane
. Mom had given her best, and it wasn’t good enough.
And haven’t I suffered at the hands of
others for that same reason? Always giving what I think is my
best, only to have it pointed out to me that I’m a sorry second
best?

Sunny put her hand over her mouth, as if to keep any of the miserable thoughts from being vocalized. Then she spotted the tape player and made her way through the stacks of boxes, many open and awaiting attention. It was a sad collection of the wreckage that had been their lives.

Sunny popped the tape into the player and sat down on an overturned metal milk crate. She remembered her mother saying she had saved it from her childhood days, when the milk was delivered to her home in town. Her mother had boasted about learning to iron clothes at the age of five by standing on this very crate. The memory made Sunny smile.

Drawing a deep breath and praying for strength, Sunny pressed the play button. For several seconds there was nothing but silence, and then she heard the voice of her sister.

“Okay, Mom, it’s recording. Just talk normal—as if you were talking to me.”

Another pause, and then the sound of her mother filled the room. “Sunshine, I don’t know when you’ll get this tape, but I probably won’t be here. I’m very sick. My heart has been damaged beyond repair, and I’ve deteriorated faster than they thought I would. My heart broke when you went away, so it didn’t surprise me when the doctor told me I’d suffered a heart attack.

“Oh, Amy—I mean Sunshine—how I wish you were here. I want so much to know you’re safe and happy. I look at the moon at night and wonder if you’re seeing it too. Sometimes it makes me feel closer to you, but other times it just makes me feel very alone.”

Tears streamed down Sunny’s face. She hugged herself and rocked back and forth on the crate. How wonderful to hear her mother’s voice. Weak, but recognizable, it comforted Sunny in a way nothing else could. To her surprise, however, she thought her mother sounded a lot like Kathy.

“I wanted to make you this tape for several reasons,” her mother went on. “I wanted you to know how very much I love you. Nothing will change that. My love for you is something that will never end. If you ever have children, you’ll know what I mean. There’s nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you.”

There was a pause for several seconds. Empty air that settled down around Sunny like a smothering blanket. Surely that wasn’t all there was to the tape. Kathy had said she’d made it over two weeks. Sunny was about to reach for the player when her mother spoke again.

“Sunshine, no matter what anyone says—no matter what they do—I want you to know that I forgive you for everything. You aren’t totally to blame. I failed you in so many ways.”

“No!” Sunny interjected before realizing no one could hear her.

“There were things I should have done better—choices I should have made and didn’t, and some I made and shouldn’t have. If you’re still the tenderhearted girl I knew you to be, you’ll probably try to blame yourself for what happened to me—but you can’t. My choices put me here. I let the situation destroy me. I could have been strong like Dad and Kathy, but it took too much energy. I should have trusted God more. I see that now. I should have left it in His hands, knowing that He knew where you were and what you were doing. I should have put my sorrows and pain at His feet, because I knew He was bigger—more powerful than anything that could happen or had happened. And besides . . . we all have to die sometime. The doctor says I probably always had problems with my heart and just didn’t know it. I had a bout of rheumatic fever when I was very young and it no doubt weakened my heart forever.

“My sweet girl, I love you so much. I have a peace now about you. I know you’ll be back. Maybe not right away, but someday. Because I know that tender heart will always be there somewhere inside you. Someday you’ll come face-to-face with the need to make peace with your family, and when you do, this tape will be here waiting for you. I forgive you, Amy. I can only hope—pray—that you forgive me as well.”

The rest of the tape was more of the same interlaced with a few stories—reminders of the past. By the time the tape concluded, Sunny realized a half hour had passed. In her heart, however, it seemed the tape had spanned twelve years.

N
INE

SUNNY HAD JUST COME OUT onto the porch when a blue Suburban drove up and stopped near the house. A woman stepped out. She was tall and slender, dressed in jeans and a sleeveless pink blouse. Her blond hair had been cut in a stylish manner to frame her face—a face that wore very little makeup but seemed radiant.

“I came to see Kathy,” the woman announced, “but I’m glad to see you as well. Do you remember me?”

She smiled broadly and Sunny saw something familiar in her expression. “Sylvia?”

“The one and only. How are you doing?”

Sunny shrugged. “As well as can be expected, I guess.” She wasn’t sure if Sylvia’s comments would take a negative turn, so she remained guarded. “It’s hard to see Dad like this, but I’m glad I have the chance to say good-bye.”

Sylvia nodded. “And what about Kathy? Are you two able to talk and work through the past?”

Sunny came down the porch stairs. “Not really.”

“This is a shock to her. You have to keep that in mind.”

Sunny sighed, glad to have someone to talk to even if things might take a bad turn. “I wish I could wave some kind of magic wand and have her understand my heart and my desire to make things right. I wish she could just see the truth of the situation and stop being so . . . so . . . defensive.” ‘

‘Yes, well . . . you really don’t have a right to expect that, now do you?” Sylvia’s words weren’t harsh or angry; they were simply stated in a matter-of-fact manner that gave Sunny pause.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

Sylvia tilted her head as if sizing up Sunny’s sincerity. “When we do something that hurts people, we always wish they would come to a quick understanding and immediate healing. That way we can feel better about ourselves as well.” She gave a slight chuckle. “Believe me, I know. I’ve done enough things that hurt others and I always want them to get over it as quick as possible, so that I can forget that I ever had a hand in it.”

Sunny liked Sylvia’s frankness. She was truthful without trying to wound. “I know it would be so much easier to be here if Kathy’s response had been like Dad’s. The thing is, maybe I crave Kathy’s approval or forgiveness even more than I did his.”

“Why?”

Sunny frowned. “Because we were always so close. Even when I was going through my stupid phases, I always talked things out with Kathy. She knew I wasn’t happy in Kansas— Slocum. She knew I longed to go elsewhere, but I never told her about my plans to change my name and leave.”

“I’m sure that must have hurt her.”

“In all the time I was gone, it was Kathy I missed the most. There were so many times just after I left that I would reach for the phone to call her.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“I guess I was afraid. I knew she’d probably have the power to convince me to come home—and I just couldn’t do that, Sylvia. I was dying there—here. I knew if I stayed I would marry one of the guys I hung around with and we’d probably drink a lot and fight a lot.” Sunny shook her head and smiled at the irony. “I guess it wouldn’t have been any worse than what I put myself through.”

“Sometimes that’s how it is. But in all honesty, I think Kathy is just trying to process everything and deal with the shock. We gave you up for dead, Sunny.”

“I was dead. Completely dead until I came back to God. Funny how I always took my church upbringing for granted. I didn’t think I needed God. But as for Kathy, I know she blames me for a great deal, and rightfully so on some of it. I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I had no right to treat my family that way. Yesterday I listened to a tape my mother left for me. It was wonderful to hear her voice and forgiveness, but difficult because my mother blamed herself for so much, and I couldn’t be there to help her change her mind.”

“We all have to work on our own minds. People can offer convincing arguments that help us, but ultimately we have control over what we think and feel.”

Sunny hesitated a moment, then decided Sylvia would be the best one to ask about the farm. “Say, I was wondering . . . do you know what’s going on with the farm?”

“What do you mean?” Sylvia seemed genuinely puzzled.

“I mean, is there a problem with it selling?”

Sylvia nodded, her expression immediately registering understanding. “Kathy hasn’t told you?”