Where My Heart Belongs (21 page)

The thought of having another baby brought her both joy and sorrow. Baby Gary’s memory still brought her to tears. When she talked about the baby she’d never had a chance to know, it tore at something deep inside. Sometimes it was easier to pretend that part of her life had never happened.

Now she was pregnant once again and all the old worries and fears came to the surface. What if something happened? What if she lost this baby too? Brian knew all about Sunny’s past and would understand her fears. He would be gentle and loving, because that was the kind of man he was. He would also tell her not to worry, that nothing would happen to cause them grief.

The sound of the garage door opening stirred excitement in her heart. Sunny had dressed carefully, wearing one of Brian’s favorite outfits. The red Donna Karan dress and strappy sandals had been a gift for her birthday two months ago. She supposed now she wouldn’t be able to wear it for long, but it would always be there after the baby was born.

The baby.

Putting her hand to her stomach, Sunny could scarcely believe it. She was going to have a baby. Now Brian would have to spend more time at home. Now things would have to be different. Sunny smiled. He would be so pleased.

Brian walked in from the garage looking for all the world like he’d just accomplished the most amazing feat of his career. He threw her a grin and tossed his jacket to the nearest chair. “Mmm, you look fantastic.”

Sunny crossed the room and fell into his arms. “I feel fantastic.”

“Me too. We should celebrate.”

“I think we should.”

He nibbled on her ear in the affectionate way Sunny had come to love. “What shall we celebrate?” he asked before trailing kisses down her neck.

“That we’re going to have a baby,” she whispered.

Brian pulled back and looked at her in disbelief. “A baby? Are you sure?”

Sunny giggled. “Yes. Yes, I’m sure. I took two tests just to prove it to myself.”

He picked her up and twirled her around. “That’s incredible! This is definitely worth celebrating!”

She laughed and cherished the feeling of being in his arms. “I thought you’d be pleased.”

“I’m more than pleased. This is the best possible news.”

When they’d married, Brian had been forty, and now a year later he saw time passing rather quickly. Most of the time it was the woman who worried about her clock ticking, but in this case Brian had made it clear from the start that he wanted children, and wanted them soon. Sunny was happy to oblige him. Despite her fears, she’d longed for a baby since losing Gary.

“When?” Brian questioned, pulling away from Sunny. “When is the baby due?”

“Well, you’re the doctor in the family, but by my calculations it should come sometime in late December.”

“Wow, this is all so fantastic.” He dropped his hold and grabbed his jacket. “We need to go out and have a very expensive night of it.”

“I’m hoping this will also mean you’ll cut back on your schedule and give more of your work to Rick.” Rick Anniston was Brian’s partner of two years, but so far Brian really wasn’t inclined to share his client list. People came back to Brian because they trusted him, and often Sunny saw Brian risk his own health and well-being to accommodate patients who could have just as easily been handled by Rick. All it would have taken was one word from Brian and things could have been different. She had no idea why he hesitated. It wasn’t like they needed the money. Brian wouldn’t have even had to work if it hadn’t been for his love of surgery.

“Of course. I’ll talk to Rick tomorrow. I know I’ve been really swamped since we got married, but I promise you, Sunny, things will be different.”

But when Lucianna Noel Dennison was born on Christmas Day, Sunny endured the birth with no one from the family at her side except Brian’s mother, Nancy. Two floors down, Brian was caught up in some emergency surgery and missed the birth of his daughter. Sunny felt a strange sensation that this was a forerunner of things to come.

Brian showed up an hour after his mother went home. Sunny held Lucianna in her arms, marveling at the tiny child—wondering how their lives might play out in the future.

“I’m so sorry, Sunny.” He approached the bed with a dozen pink roses. “I had to take the surgery. It was a child— a little boy who’d run through a plate glass window. It wasn’t easy, but I think he’ll end up looking pretty close to normal. Please forgive me.”

Sunny smiled. She’d been angry at first, but how could she stay mad when his reason was so altruistic? “I forgive you. I also have someone I want you to meet.”

Brian leaned down close. “She’s beautiful—just like her mom.”

“Lucianna Noel, you should open your eyes and meet your father. It might be one of the last times you get to see him.”

Brian placed a kiss on the baby’s forehead. “No way. I told you I was going to cut back, and I meant it. Rick is going to start taking a third of my patients. I’ve already been talking to some of my people about it and they understand.”

Sunny felt a surge of happiness. “So maybe we can take that getaway trip? Just you and me and the baby?”

Brian nodded. “I think you’ve more than earned it.”

The telephone rang, disrupting the memory and Sunny’s train of thought. Kathy looked at her, as if suggesting they forget the phone, but Sunny suddenly felt rather vulnerable. Now Kathy would ask about Brian and the baby and where they were now.

“Shouldn’t you get that?” Sunny asked. She got up and fled the room without waiting for Kathy to answer.

Slapping her hands against her sides, Sunny fought back the urge to scream, thoughts of her daughter nearly bringing her to the edge of hysteria. Lucy was just three and a half and so mature already, speaking full sentences before she was two years old. The ache in Sunny’s heart built with every thought of the little girl, whose dark blue eyes and blond curls were so much like her daddy’s.

“Oh, Lucy. I’m so sorry.” Sunny ran out the front door and down the driveway. She wanted only to get away. Get as far away as she could from the memories and the pain. The only problem was she took those things with her wherever she went. She couldn’t leave those things behind, because they were an intricate part of who she was and why she was here.

Kathy will think me completely daft. She’ll wonder how in
the world I could possibly be so messed up
. But chances were better than not that Kathy had already thought those things long before Sunny had come to Slocum.

Kathy answered the phone with a great sense of regret. “Hello?”

“Kathy, it’s Glynnis.”

“Oh, how are you feeling?” Kathy had called Glynnis the day of the funeral but hadn’t talked to her since.

“I’m feeling much better. Slow goes it, but I see progress.”

“I’m so glad to hear that,” Kathy said, sitting on the edge of her parents’ bed.

“You sound upset. Are you okay?”

Kathy wondered how much to tell her aunt, then decided to let her know the truth. “Sunny was telling me more about her past. She’s married—at least I think she still is. She married about five years ago and had a daughter named Lucianna. I don’t know much else. He’s a plastic surgeon in Los Angeles and very wealthy.”

“Oh my.” Glynnis sounded as dumbfounded by the news as Kathy had been.

“I’m not sure what’s going on with her or why she hasn’t said anything about them until now. Maybe she isn’t married to him anymore. I don’t know. It seems like all summer she’s had nowhere to be or go. I just assumed she was alone.”

“When I think of the things you’ve told me about Sunny, it’s easy to see she didn’t get the wonderful life she thought she was buying into when she left home.”

“I know. It was always so easy to imagine she was either dead or living it up. I would get so mad when I’d imagine her living this wonderful dreamlike life while the rest of us suffered, longing for some kind of news. I feel so confused, Aunt Glynnis.”

“I can well imagine. You’re having to come to terms with so much in a matter of a few weeks.”

“First just finding out that my sister was alive,” Kathy began, “then learning that Dad knew where she’d been at one point and had done nothing to try to force her home— or even tell me. Then there’s all the information Sunny has shared: an abusive marriage and death of a child, a second marriage and drug addiction—having her husband overdose and die. It’s all too much to imagine, much less make sense of. I honestly don’t know what to do.”

“The only thing we can do is love her, Kathy. There’s little else to be accomplished. I mean, you could turn your back on her. You could tell her all the things you’ve dreamed of saying and walk away from any further relationship, but I don’t think you’d ever be happy.”

“No, I know I wouldn’t. I can’t walk away from her . . . she’s my sister. Yet, on the other hand, I feel so betrayed and angry at times. When I think I might finally have a grip on the situation, something new pops up. I found myself even resenting her help this morning.”

“How so?”

“I was sorting through Mom and Dad’s things for the sale. Sunny came in to help, and I wanted to send her away. I wanted to tell her not to touch anything.”

Glynnis said nothing, so Kathy continued. “Sometimes I want to throw my arms around her and hold on to her and never let go. Other times I want to tell her it hurts too much to have a relationship with her. That knowing she was alive all these years—yet never caring enough to let us know—is too much to expect anyone to overcome.”

“And if you tried to do it on your own, you’d be right. This kind of thing can’t be battled in the flesh. It’s a spiritual and emotional war as well. You’ll exhaust yourself in trying to make it right.”

“I know. But what I don’t know is how to keep from making the same mistakes. I’m not sure how to be honest with Sunny—or even if it would matter if I were.”

“I believe understanding each other’s feelings is paramount to resolving this situation in your life. You need to understand why Sunny made her choices, and she needs to understand why you made yours.”

Kathy shook her head. “But understanding why someone did something isn’t going to alter the fact that the deed is done. It will hurt just the same—with or without explanation. Not only that, but what if Sunny told me that the choices I made were stupid? It would make me really mad.”

“Yet she’s supposed to take that from you?”

Kathy fell silent.
It isn’t the same
, she told herself.
There’s
a difference
.

“She might not want to take it,” Kathy finally said, “but her choices were stupid.”

“So were yours,” Glynnis said matter-of-factly.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying what you’re saying,” she replied. “Sunny’s choices made no sense to you, so you call them stupid. Your choices made no sense to me, so I do the same. If this were a contest, you’d both come in first place—a tie.”

“How can you say that?” Kathy felt so hurt she could hardly speak. “I did what I was supposed to do. I stayed home and took care of my loved ones.”

“Kathy, I don’t discredit what you did for your parents. It was a loving act. But you made other choices that made little sense to me. Sending Kyle away was one of those. How much easier it could have been for you with his love and support! In my mind your choice to send him away was just as foolish as Sunny’s was to run away.

“Oh, don’t you see, Kathy? I just want you to realize that it will do you no good to harbor grudges and keep the past alive. You and Sunny have the chance to make a new start. Forget that which is behind, as the Bible advises. Figure out what it is you want—need. Find what it is you need from Sunny in order to set things right.”

That night, Kathy lay awake for a long time pondering exactly that question.
What do I need from Sunny? What do I
need from any of this?
She thought of her father’s desire to see his family knitted together—his continual prayer that God would bring home his prodigal daughter. He knew what he wanted from Sunny, but for the life of her, Kathy couldn’t figure out what she wanted. Worse still, what did Sunny want from her?

Morning came much too soon and brought no answers. A rumble of thunder in the distance left Kathy little doubt that rain was soon to be upon them. She pulled on some work jeans and an old white oxford shirt. Looking in the mirror, Kathy pondered the reflection she saw there. She brushed her long hair and tied it into a ponytail, all the while contemplating her appearance. She looked so old—so tired. She had allowed the grief and misery of her life to age her. She was only thirty-two, but she looked much older. There was a hardness in her expression that made her appear unapproachable. Was that how everyone saw her? Was that the picture she wanted to portray?

Glynnis had reminded her of her lack of appreciation for the safety and love she’d known at home. Kathy had no idea if it was too late to appreciate such a thing or not, but she had to find a way to try. She was grateful for all she’d had. She was grateful for the time with her parents. She was grateful God had given her at least that much time.

Glynnis had also said that the choices Kathy made could be considered equally as foolish as the ones Sunny had made. That was hard to admit to. Kathy felt her reasons for sending Kyle away had been for his benefit as much as hers.

“Only I never asked him if he felt the same way,” she muttered to herself.

Downstairs Sunny was already fixing breakfast. Kathy walked to the porch and glanced outside. “Looks like a storm’s moving in.”

“Yeah. I closed most of the windows.” She turned from the stove. “I’m making eggs in a basket. Want some?”

“I haven’t had those in years,” Kathy said, warming at the memories. “I remember when mom would cut the little circle out of the bread and give that to us to munch on while she fried the rest with the egg.”

“I do too, only I liked it better when my circle of bread was fried up with butter. It’s a wonder we didn’t weigh twice as much as we did.” Sunny laughed and flipped the bread and egg combo. “Remember how Dad always called them eggs in a frame?”

“I do,” Kathy said, nodding. “And Grandpa Halbert called them fire in the hole.”