Where the Heart is (Interracial with Baby) (BWWM) (12 page)

They'd helped her mother, hadn't they?

When her father had disappeared without a trace. Adelaide had told her stories about how Sal had threatened to hunt him down and bring him back kicking and screaming and how when Adelaide had told him that she was better off without him, he'd promised to help her however he could.

She let out a shuddering breath and smiled at Kathryn. "You're right. Of course you're right. I just. Got all worked up and scared."

"Which is completely understandable," Kathryn replied with a smile back. "It's a big thing. So how about this. You call the doctor and make an appointment and I'm going to go tell Sal that we're out of here for the day. You've worked enough already, and you're going to have to start being more careful about your shifts anyway. We'll go see a movie or something. What do you think?" 

It sounded wonderful, and Jamie nodded. "Yes. Please. Also I haven't eaten for most of the day, so..."

Kathryn snorted and shook her head. "We're going to have to work on that. For now, I will tell Sal to whip us up two burger plates to go and we will smuggle them into the movies. Good?"

"Great," Jamie answered. She watched as Kathryn left the office and let out another breath. Somehow just telling someone else made the whole thing seem less daunting, and she was glad that Kathryn had pilled her in for the conversation.

With shaking fingers, she picked up the phone on the desk and called the doctor's office, making an appointment for the next day with the surprised sounding receptionist.

Jamie knew her, of course. They'd gone to high school together, and all she could hope was that her business wasn't going to be all over the town before she had a chance to break the news to her mother.

That was a whole different thing all together, and Jamie actually had no idea how her mom was going to take the news. Thinking about that was liable to make her start freaking out all over again, so she put it out of her mind for the time being. For now, she was going to try to handle the things that were in front of her. Like taking off her apron and grabbing her coat so she could go out and enjoy herself for a little while, at least.

Jamie thought she was going to be sick. And considering she had already been sick that morning before she'd even gotten up properly, that was saying something. But she was standing in the kitchen at her mother's house, stirring a pot of oatmeal and adding brown sugar to it, and she could feel her mother's gaze on her back.

Honestly, she was surprised that she'd managed to keep it a secret for this long, with her mother being able to read most people like a book and all. But maybe she was just getting better at keeping things from the woman now that she wasn't a child anymore.

"Jamie, you're going to have to tell me what's wrong with you eventually, you know."

Or maybe not.

She let out a shuddering breath and chewed on her lip. "Do I have to?"

"Yes, you do," Adelaide replied. "Because I've been very worried about you lately. You're preoccupied all the time, and you look like you haven't been sleeping. When I mentioned this to Sal the other day, he looked like he wanted to say something but then he didn't, which leads me to believe that he knows whatever's going on, and you just haven't told me what it is. So I'm waiting for you to tell me."

Jamie spared a second to be grateful that Sal had kept her secret. She knew that Kathryn had told him so that he could keep an eye on her at work, and she appreciated both of them for looking out for her.

But, she had to tell her mother that she was having a baby with a man who she wasn't married to and that she had no idea how any of it was going to work.

Nine months seemed like such a long time when you weren't pregnant. There was so much to do, so much to figure out, and she hadn't even begun yet. Time was slipping away from her, and even with Sal and Kathryn's help, she didn't know what to do.

So maybe it was time to tell her mother. If anyone could help her, it was Adelaide, right? She'd been through this already and would hopefully not be too upset.

Taking a deep breath, Jamie dished up two bowls of oatmeal and came to sit at the table, nursing a cup of orange juice and pushing her mother's bowl towards her.

Adelaide had an expectant look on her face, and Jamie winced. "I'm trying to think of how to say it," she said, looking away.

"It might be best just to come out with it," her mother suggested.

Even though she'd already told Simon and Kathryn, saying it never got easier. "Well. Okay. You see. I." Why? Why was this somehow harder than telling Simon had been? "Mom, I'm pregnant," Jamie said in a rush, just getting the words out of her mouth.

She glanced back up at her mother just in time to see her mouth fall open. "You're... You're pregnant?" Adelaide whispered, frowning. "Are you sure?"

"Why does everyone
ask
that? Yes. I'm sure. I've even been to the doctor this time." Kathryn had insisted on going with her when she'd found out that Jamie hadn't told anyone else yet and was just going to go alone.

"No one should have to deal with something this big on their own, Jamie," she'd said. "And even if Simon's not here yet, you have plenty of people who want to look out for you."

Jamie had cried in the car because it was such a nice thing for her to say, and she knew the other woman meant it.

"You're pregnant," Adelaide repeated, sitting back in her chair and dropping her spoon with a clatter.

Oh, god. This was what she had been afraid of. Her mother being disappointed in her was something she didn't know how to deal with, and it was already hard enough when she still hadn't heard anything from Simon. If her mother cut her out because of this, Jamie didn't know what she was going to do.

"I'm
sorry
," she said, realizing belatedly that she was crying again. "I'm so sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to, I swear. It was just an accident, which I know doesn't make it better, but. I'm sorry. We were drunk and things happened, and I'm already scared because I don't know how to do this on my own, and I need you, Mom, so please, please don't be mad. Please. I'm sorry."

She said it all in a rush, tears falling down her face.

"Oh, baby," Adelaide said, voice soft. "Stop that now." Her chair scraped across the scuffed linoleum of the kitchen floor as she got up and moved around the table to wrap her arms around her daughter and kiss her head. "I'm not mad at you, Jamie. Shocked, yes. A little... not disappointed, but worried. But not mad. You certainly won't have to do this without me."

Jamie clutched her mother's arm and cried tears of relief. "I'm sorry," she sobbed again. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me," her mother said. "Don't apologize at all, in fact. These things happen. Life happens. We deal as best we can. Now, what did you mean when you said you're going to have to do this on your own? Where's Simon in all of this? I assume he's the father?"

"Yeah," Jaime managed. "It's him." In halting words, she explained about how she'd called to tell him what had happened and how he'd reacted. Talking about it all over again just made her cry more, and she was disgusted with herself. All she had been doing lately was crying about this, and really, she was more than a little tired of it.

"And you haven't heard from him since?" Adelaide wanted to know.

Jamie shook her head. "Nothing. Not a phone call or a text. I just. I know it's not what he wanted, but I thought..." She shrugged and trailed off. Simon had never given her any reason to think that he would be down for raising a child with her. She'd just been projecting her own feelings. By now he could have a girlfriend or something who would be highly displeased if she found out.

And that would just meant that Jamie had to deal. Really, she just wanted to know where she stood about this. She wanted to hear from him, even if it was just him calling her back to be like "sorry, but I can't help you with this". At least then she would have some kind of closure and it wouldn't be all this waiting around.

"He's young," her mother put it. "I'm sure he has no idea what he wants just yet."

"Yeah, and neither do I, but I don't get the luxury of being wishy-washy about it, do I?"

Adelaide laughed, and there was sympathy in her tone. "No. No, you don't. Jamie, when you were young did you ever wish that your dad would come home?"

Jamie's eyes snapped to her mother's face. She'd never really asked her anything like that before. In fact, when she was a kid, her mother had done her best not to mention Jamie's father at all. Almost as if she thought that not talking about him would make her less aware that she was missing him in her life.

"Not... Not actually
him
," Jamie answered after a few seconds. "Because I know that he wasn't really a good person for leaving us like that. I wished that I had a dad. Or that Dennis Quaid was my dad." She laughed. "Which would have been weird."

"Well, I wouldn't have said no if Dennis Quaid wanted to marry me, that's for sure,"Adelaide chuckled. "I suppose I'm asking because I want to know how you would have felt if you got to see your dad sometimes. If he was still a part of your life even if the two of us weren't together."

She saw what her mother was getting at.

"I never thought about it like that. In my mind, we were a team, you and me, and if he wasn't there for you, then he wasn't there for me."

Her mother smiled at her, stroking her hair. "You're a good girl, Jamie. You always have been. And even though he hasn't always been so loyal, I don't think you need to worry about Simon. I think that if it's meant to be, he'll come around. I think that he's a man, and a silly one at that sometimes, but he's not cruel or lazy. And he cares about you."

If only he cared about her the way she cared about him.

"You think so?"

"I know so. And, on the off chance that he doesn't realize he wants to help you raise the child he helped make, you are not alone. Just like I wasn't alone when your father walked out on us. Everything will be fine."

People kept telling her that, and she supposed the right thing to do would be to believe them. Between her mother, Kathryn, and Sal, Jamie knew that she could manage until she was able to make it on her own, but it all seemed to daunting.

Plus, if Simon bowed out of this, then there was no way that they could be friends anymore. She wouldn't be able to see him and not think of how he basically abandoned her to raise their child while he shirked all responsibility, and she wouldn't have their kid calling him 'Uncle Simon' or something like that while pretending like he wasn't their father. She just wouldn't do it.

"You'll be fine," he mother said again. "I still have all my old books from when I was pregnant with you, and I'm sure the internet has plenty of resources. Just take it one step at a time. I know that nine months doesn't seem like a lot of time when you have a person growing inside of you, but don't worry. It's plenty of time to get everything done, and you'll have help. Once Hattie finds out, she'll be bringing you all sorts of things."

Jamie made a face. Hattie finding out would mean the whole town would know, but they'd figure it out pretty quickly once she started showing anyway. So there wasn't really much she could do about it either way.

"Thanks, Mom," Jamie said, leaning into her mother's embrace.

"Of course, baby. You've been taking care of me for so long, but don't think I've forgotten how to take care of my baby girl. As long as I'm around, you'll have me in your corner."

It was a weight off her shoulders, really, having her mother know. Now she didn't have to have any more big conversations about this. Aside from the one she would have to have with Simon sooner rather than later.

Regarding that, she made a decision right then and there. He had until the end of the next week to contact her in some shape or form, even if it was just a text to say that he needed more time to think. If she didn't hear from him then, then she was going to call him and tell him what his options were.

Jamie was tired of waiting around for Simon to decide what she meant to him or how much he cared. She was going to be a mother, and she wasn't going to be any less of one than her own mother had been and that meant not sitting around waiting for a man to take care of her when she could do it herself just as well.

Talking about these things was good. With every conversation, she felt a little more confident, a little more sure of herself and what she was doing.

A little more ready to at least start this journey on the right foot.

"Simon? Simon!"

Simon jumped when he saw a hand waving in front of his face, looking up, he was instantly relieved to see that it wasn't one of the mentor doctors but Camilla, looking amused and like she had been standing there for a long time.

"What?" he asked, taking a step back and rubbing at his eyes.

"You look terrible."

"Did you come over here just to say that? Because I know you think that's helpful information, but it's really not, Cam."

She rolled her eyes at him. "
No
, dummy. I came over here to give you this chart for Mr. Walter, but you were staring off into space for so long I thought you might have slipped into a coma. What's up with you, huh? You haven't even been on the graveyard shift for a few days. Got some hot little thing keeping you up at night?"

Simon gave her an incredulous look and just about resisted saying that yeah, if she considering stomach turning guilt to be a 'hot little thing' then she was right.

Even though he had been working more regular shifts as the weeks passed, it didn't mean much since he couldn't sleep at all when he was at home. Actually, being at work would have helped more since running around the hospital and caring for patients was much more distracting than sitting at home feeling terrible.

But when he thought about it like that he felt even more terrible. Because it wasn't right for him to try to distract himself from this. He had to make some kind of decision. He owed Jamie that much, didn't he? After all, she didn't make this baby by herself and she hadn't come to him making demands of his time and money like some women might have. She'd just been looking for help and probably comfort, and he had messed that up spectacularly.

"You're doing it again," Camilla pointed out, and Simon waved a hand at her.

"Don't you have something to do other than stand here and poke at me?" he asked, frowning at her. "Like people to take care of or something? This is a hospital."

"Yeah, and you're so pale that you look like you should be admitted. But anyway, it's Friday and it's after five now. Congratulations, you successfully stared off into the distance for the last hour of your shift."

He knew she was exaggerating, but the fact remained that he didn't have to come in that weekend and he was done for the day.

Talking about their future over the phone wasn't going to be easy. It was too complicated when he couldn't see Jamie's face, when he didn't know what she was thinking. But he had a whole weekend off, and it wouldn't be much trouble at all to drive down and see her. He could make it there by ten if he left for his apartment now and hurried through his packing.

And just like that, the plan fleshed itself out in his head, and Simon was moving. "Have a good weekend, Cam!" he called over his shoulder, heading for the sliding doors of the exit.

"You're so weird, Simon!" she called back, and he just waved at her and then hurried to his car, already making a list of things he'd need to pack in his head.

He didn't even stop for anything to eat, jumping back in the car once he had his bag packed and hitting the road. Luck was with him, it seemed, since the snow had long since melted away and traffic was flowing steadily, despite the time. He made good time, and headed straight for The Pit as soon as he got into town, parking and drawing his jacket tighter around himself as he walked across the parking lot and into the diner.

It smelled like it always did, and he didn't see Jamie immediately. A hand dropped to his shoulder, and he jumped and turned to see Kathryn standing there wearing a thin smile.

"Oh. Hi, Kathryn," he said. "You startled me. Is Jamie working tonight?"

Kathryn shook her head. "No, she's not. She's on the afternoon shifts now because. Well, you know why. Actually, I'm very glad you're here. I've been wanting to have a talk with you."

Her smile was still in place as she said it, but there was something about the way she was looking at him that made Simon wary. "Uh... okay. I was really hoping to talk to Jamie soon, though."

"And you will. She's at home right now, I'm fairly sure. But first let's go have a little chat."

She didn't leave him much choice, he let her steer him in the direction of the back, waving a little to Sal as they passed and sighing with the big man barely nodded in return. So they knew, then. They knew that Jamie was pregnant and were probably none too happy with him for how long it had taken him to show up.

Kathryn showed him to the office and closed the door, leaning against it like she thought he was going to try to make a run for it.

"Should I be afraid?" he asked, looking at her nervously.

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "No. Not if you're here to do the right thing. And not even if you aren't here to do the right thing. It's none of my business one way or the other. What I will tell you is that Jamie needs you to make a decision one way or the other about this. She's doing fine on her own now, but I had her in here crying her eyes out about you, and I think everyone in this town is tired of seeing that girl cry because you can't make up your mind how you feel."

Part of him wanted to insist that that wasn't a fair thing to say at all, but a bigger part of him knew that it was. He had no idea how Jamie had handled him being gone the first time, but knowing her, it would have been pretty obvious to anyone who bothered to look that she was missing her best friend dearly. And this wasn't any different.

If anything it was worse because there was a child involved.

"I know, Kathryn, okay?" he said, dragging fingers through his hair. "I'm not doing it on purpose. It's not like I enjoy hurting her."

"We all know that," she replied. "You're still one of ours even though you like to pretend otherwise. We know that you don't mean to do it, but the fact still remains that you do. And that girl is scared out of her mind that she's going to be doing this alone. Even though she knows that she's going to have all of us to help, she wants you. And you owe her an answer at the very least."

"I know that!" Simon said, somewhat louder than he'd meant to. But he was tired and he just wanted to talk to Jamie and not get lectured. "Sorry. It's been a long day. I know that. That's why I'm here. To figure this thing out."

She observed him for a moment and then nodded. "Good. Then I won't keep you." Kathryn moved away from the door and gestured for him to go. "Remind her to take her vitamins when you see her."

"Okay," Simon replied as he headed out. His head was spinning, and he was tired, but he wasn't going to stop until he'd talked to Jamie. Kathryn had been right when she said that he owed her answer, and even though he still didn't know what he was going to say to her, he knew he had to say something. Silence was the worst thing he could do now.

Knocking on Jamie's door proved fruitless since she didn't answer, and Simon wondered if she might be at her mother's. The thought of driving all the way over there and getting a lecture from Adelaide in the process was exhausting, so he decided that he'd just deal with it in the morning if that was the case. Jamie kept her spare key at the top of her door frame, so Simon took it and let himself in, hoping she wouldn't mind.

Most of the lights were off when he got in, but he could hear the sound of Jamie's bed springs shifting, so he followed the noise to her bedroom.

Jamie was there, curled up on top of her covers with her arms wrapped around herself. Her breathing was deep and even, and she was clearly asleep.

Being as quiet as he could, he crept over to her beside, looking down at her. Even though she had to be three months pregnant by now, she actually seemed to have lost weight, though there was a rounded bump under her shirt that proved that she had been right about being pregnant.

Somehow seeing it made it all that much more real to Simon.

She was pregnant.

With his child.

And even though she was asleep at the moment, it was obvious that this had been taking a toll on her.

Guilt flooded through him, and he reached over and smoothed a lock of hair out of her face, tracing one of the dark circles under her eye. Worrying about how he was going to respond to this whole thing had probably contributed to a lot of her stress, and Simon felt awful for it.

Unplanned or not, she shouldn't have been able to have some amount of happiness regarding this pregnancy.

Just as he was considering going to sleep on the couch or calling his dad, Jamie's eyes opened and she blinked up at him, obviously confused about why he was there for a moment. "What are you doing here? Am I dreaming?" she mumbled.

Simon snorted and shook his head. "You dream about me?"

"Yeah, about you getting pushed off a cliff. What do you want?" She batted his hand away from her face and sat up, stretching and keeping one arm in front of her belly protectively.

"It's sort of surreal to see you like that," Simon said softly. "And to know my kid's in there."

Jamie narrowed her eyes at him. "The way I see it, you don't have any claim on the kid just yet. DNA doesn't make you a father. Just a sperm donor."

He winced, but he knew he deserved that. "I'm sorry, Jamie," he said. "I... I panicked, I guess, and I didn't even think about how you were feeling, and I'm sorry."

"Is that all you came here to say?" Jamie asked, watching him with guarded eyes. "Because you could have said that over the phone. Or in a text. Why drive all the way down here?"

"That's not all I came to say. I came to talk to you. To see if we could figure this out."

"What's to figure out? Either you want to be a part of our lives or you don't, Simon. It's a simple as that."

"It's not as simple as that, Jamie," he argued. "I mean, okay. Maybe the decision is as simple as that, but there's plenty of other things that have to go into it. Like where are we gonna live? How're you going to survive while you can't work because you have a new born to take care of? We're not even in a relationship, and we're having a baby together. There's a lot to figure out."

"And who's fault is that," Jamie snapped and then immediately covered her mouth with her hand.

"Who's fault is what?" Simon asked.

She shook her head. "Nothing. Never mind. Just say what you came here to say. Because I've got some things I want to say, too, and it's probably better if we just get it all out now."

Simon was still curious about whatever it was that she wasn't telling him, but he could tell from the tone of her voice that she had reached some kind of resolution about this. For some reason that made his stomach twist with nerves. What if he had waited too long? What if she was going to tell him that she didn't want anything to do with him and she didn't want him to have anything to do with their child?

She'd be well within her rights to say that after the way he'd acted, but he was really hoping that wasn't the case.

"Okay," he said, letting out a long breath. "Okay. So here's the thing. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks. I know you probably think that I was just running and being a coward or being callous as usual, but I just needed to think. And yes, I know that I should have told you that's what I was doing instead of just going silent, but. I've never been good at this kind of thing. You know that about me."

"So you're just here to make excuses, then?" Jamie asked, and there was pain in her eyes as she glanced up and him and then away.

"No," Simon replied, voice firm. "No, that's not why I'm here. If you'd let me finish?"

She gestured for him to go on.

"What I'm trying to say is that I've thought about it a lot and I know I can't live without you in my life again. Not after how things went down after the holidays. I'd always wonder about you and our kid, and. And I don't want it to be like that. But I also want you to know that even if I say that I'm in this one hundred percent, nothing's going to be easy. Like, I said before, there's going to be a lot of stuff that we have to figure out." He sighed and ran fingers through his hair. "It's a big decision."

Jamie was quiet for a moment and then she looked up at him, eyes burning. "You know what I don't understand about you? I don't understand why family means so little to you. You're so
selfish
, Simon, and you never used to be like that. I don't know if it was moving to the city that changed you or if it's always been there, but I don't even think you see it. Your parents went through a divorce and your dad needed you on his side, and you cut him off. He supported you through everything you wanted to do, and the minute he needed you, you weren't there. Everyone in this town supported you and you just. You turned your back on all of us, Simon, and I don't understand it.

"So this is a big decision? So what? This is the life of a child we're talking about. The life of a child that
you
helped make. It's half yours, Simon. It's your flesh and blood, or it will be anyway. And you're sitting there acting like it's a business decision. Either you want to be a part of this or you don't. I don't need you waffling and making excuses. Yeah, it's gonna be hard. You think I haven't figured that out, yet? But I'm gonna deal with it because I'm going to be a mother. I need you to decide if you want to be a father. I need you to say 'yes, Jamie, I want to be a part of my child's life' or 'no, Jamie, I don't want to be a part of my child's life'. That's all there is to it."