Where the Heart is (Interracial with Baby) (BWWM) (13 page)

Simon was silent through Jamie's rant, eyes wide. No one had ever called him selfish before. At the hospital he was known for being accommodating. For being the one who never minded switching shifts or coming in earlier or staying later.

He cared about his patients and gave them his all because they deserved that.

And....apparently somewhere along the line he'd forgotten how to do that with the people who had known him the longest.

Jamie's words reminded him of the conversation he'd had with his father before Christmas. Matthew had let it go, but was that what he thought, too? That Simon hadn't cared?

He had cared, but it had been so frustrating, so distracting. There was nothing wrong with taking care of himself, was there? But... he hadn't really stopped to think about what his dad might need, either.

When Simon met Jamie's eyes again, they were still burning with the clear, heated emotion they'd had in them as she spoke. She was serious, then. He had to make a decision or she would be the one cutting him out of
her
life, and he would deserve it.

They couldn't be friends while she was raising a child that was half his and not helping. That just wouldn't work at all, and Simon knew it. He'd been hiding behind his logic and facts for so long that the thought of throwing himself into this headlong was terrifying. But his options were either to do it or to leave.

All at once he realized he'd been silent for a long time. "I..." he began. "I want to be a part of this," he said slowly. "I do. Please don't doubt that, Jamie, but-"

"No. No buts, Simon. You're in or you're out. There aren't any caveats. If you're in, we'll work around the buts, okay? It's not like I'm asking you to drop everything and marry me. I love you, and I'd never do that. I just need to know that I'm not going to be doing this alone."

For the second time in the last ten minutes, Simon was shocked into silence. She loved him? That was new.

Well. Of course they had always loved each other, like the way siblings loved each other, and he supposed that once they'd started sleeping together, it had changed that love somewhat, but it sounded like Jamie meant more that the 'we've known each other our whole lives' kind of love.

"You love me?" he was asking before he could think better of it.

"
That's
what you're focusing on here?" she snapped, but her cheeks were stained red.

"Well, it's a pretty big thing, Jamie. I mean. I didn't know you felt that way."

"That's because you're an idiot. You found me crying in a bathroom after my mom said she'd always thought that we were going to end up together, and you can't figure out that I always thought that, too? Maybe you shouldn't be trusted to operate on other people or whatever it is that you do when you're hiding from us."

In retrospect, yeah. Her words made a lot of sense, and Simon wanted to hit himself in the head for his stupidity. It had been right there in front of him the whole time, and he just hadn't seen it.

"God, I'm sorry," Simon said in a rush. "I'm so sorry, Jamie." He sat down on her bed and reached for her, drawing her closer to him and kissing her mouth. "I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry," murmured between kisses.

She didn't fight him, but she didn't kiss back either. Her breathing was uneven and she swallowed hard. "I still need an answer, Simon."

"Yes," he said. "Yes, of course it's yes. I just. I was scared and stupid, and it's always been a yes, I've just been too dumb to get out of my own head about it. I'm so sorry."

She released a little giggle against his lips and wrapped her arms around his neck. For the moment, then, all was forgiven. There would need to be a lot of conversations about where they were going to go from there, but for the moment, Simon wasn't going to worry about that.

"You're right," he whispered. "I am selfish. I'm selfish and I didn't even notice I was doing it. I just thought I was protecting myself, but. I didn't even think about you or dad or how you'd be affected. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing, already," Jamie replied, nipping at his lower lip hard. "Just fix it. Be better. Because you can't be selfish with a kid in the picture, Simon. You can't. My mom had to sacrifice so much to raise me, and I know for a fact that she hardly ever thought about herself in the process, and it might be the same way with us."

"Except we'll have each other," Simon pointed out and then delighted in the flush on Jamie's cheeks.

"Right. You know, you're being awfully calm about all this. I'm not going to wake up in the morning and find you gone, am I?"

She said it jokingly, but he knew there was real worry in her eyes. It hurt that he'd made it so she had to check, but he cupped her face in his hands nonetheless and kissed her thoroughly. "No," he whispered. "No, you don't have to worry about that. I promise."

It seemed to be enough for her because she nodded and leaned into him, yawning widely.

"Tired?" Simon asked.

Jamie nodded. "It's been a long day. And then you show up and get me all riled up. Should make you sleep on the floor. How're you even here? Don't you have to put in a million hours at the hospital or something?"

"I have most weekends off," Simon explained. "Which is good, since it means I can come see you and help out with stuff. There's a lot that probably needs to be done."

"How do you know I haven't already done it?" Jamie mumbled. "I could be on top of everything already for all you know."

"Are you?"

She snorted. "No. But I went to the doctor and started looking at baby stuff. So that counts for something, doesn't it?"

"Of course it does. You're busy, too, so it's not like you have time to really dive in, right? But don't worry. I'm going to help. I can do some of it. We'll make a list."

He felt, rather than saw, her roll her eyes. "You and your lists." Her jaws cracked in another yawn. "Lists in the morning. It's late."

Simon agreed with that. It was closer to midnight than he liked, and he was exhausted. "Sleep now. Talk later," he said. "Let me get changed and go lock your door, alright?"

She nodded and when he got up to leave, immediately began rearranging herself in the bed so she could slide under the covers and leave room for him. It was a pretty sight, and one he had gotten used to in the time he'd spent staying with her over the holidays. To be honest, his bed at home had seemed so lonely since he'd been back, and he was looking forward to actually getting some rest while he was cuddled up with Jamie.

If things moved forward in a way that let them stay together, then maybe neither of them would have to worry about sleeping alone anymore.

It was a good thought.

He grabbed his bag from the living room and shut off the lights, making sure the door was locked before he ducked into the bathroom to change and brush his teeth.

By the time he made it back to the bedroom, Jamie was asleep again. Simon slipped into bed behind her and wrapped his arms around her body, soaking up her warmth and letting his hands come to rest over her stomach.

Their child was in there.

Theirs.

It was scary, still, and he couldn't promise her that he wasn't going to have more selfish moments, but god, he was going to try his hardest.

With the biggest thing taken care of, Jamie's life got somewhat smoother from there. She still had about six months of pregnancy and preparation to deal with, but knowing that she was going to have Simon's help in addition to her mother's and everyone else's did wonders for her stress levels.

She worked shorter shifts at The Pit, and rolled her eyes when she paycheck always seemed to come out to the same amount no matter how many hours she worked. It wasn't hard to see that Sal was helping in his own way, and she wasn't so well off that she was going to look that particular gift horse in the mouth.

With her added free time, she went shopping for baby things.

Marissa, a new mother and one of the people who Jamie served nearly every day at work came to her and offered some of the things that her son had already out grown.

"It's good to help each other out," she'd said with a warm smile as she helped unload a bassinet and stroller from her car. "Plus, you've given me free refills on coffee so many times. If there's anything else you need, let me know."

Jamie had been a little embarrassed about it, but she'd hugged Marissa and then gone to find room in her apartment for the new things.

Her apartment was a one bedroom, technically, but there was a little nook in there that was sort of like a room, and there was room for all the baby things she was collecting. Of course, it was obvious that it was too small to raise a child in, and she knew that they were going to have to start looking for a bigger place soon enough.

"There's always my dad's house for the time being," Simon threw out there during one of their weekly Skype calls.

He couldn't be there every weekend, so when he wasn't he made sure to call and text and talk to Jamie on Skype to make sure he wasn't missing anything.

"You hate it there," Jamie pointed out.

"I don't
hate
it, and I'm definitely not saying we should live there indefinitely. I'm just saying that it's basically free except for utilities and there's plenty of space. It makes more sense to stay there for a while until we find a better place, don't you think?"

And when she thought about it, it was the best plan. It would save them a lot of money, for one thing, and it wasn't far from the places that Jamie needed to be right then.

So one afternoon in late March, Kathryn, Sal, and Matthew helped Jamie pack up the things she needed right away and they moved her into Simon's childhood home.

It was lonely, staying there on her own, but the extra space was amazing.

Along with getting a new home, Jamie also started to show quite a bit. She moved right into her fifth month of pregnancy, and none of her clothes fit right anymore. It was frustrating, and more than once, she had burst into tears while trying to button up her pants.

But springtime was well and truly upon them, so when she finally broke down and went shopping for maternity clothes, she bought some nice spring dresses that made her feel pretty and less like a beached whale.

"It happens to the best of us," her mother had said as she'd passed her daughter dress after dress for her to try on. This pregnancy had been good for Adelaide in that it got her out of the house when she went shopping with her daughter. "One minute you're wearing your usual clothes and then the next you can't squeeze into anything. It's part of the miracle of life, baby."

Jamie snorted. "Some miracle."

She tended towards being dry and sarcastic about things (when she wasn't crying because of how her hormones were all over the place), but anyone who knew her, knew she was happy.

On one of the weekends when Simon came to visit, he surprised her by taking her out for dinner.

Jamie wore one of her new dresses, and he wore nicely pressed pants and a blazer that made him look professional and honestly
edible,
and Jamie had to work to keep her hands to herself. They'd gone to a restaurant out of town to eat, somewhere where people didn't know them, and they could relax.

The food was amazing, and Jamie ate her fill and enjoyed herself.

Simon was in a good mood and the two of them talked between bites, hashing out plans for how they were going to piece their two very different lives together into one whole thing that would be conducive to raising a child.

By the time they were leaving, Jamie was full and happy, and she leaned into Simon when he wrapped an arm around her waist.

"You look beautiful tonight, you know," Simon had said, and Jamie snorted.

"You're just saying that because I'm all fat now and it's your fault."

They'd reached the car, and Simon put a hand on the door to stop Jamie from opening it. "No. I'm not. I'm saying it because you're beautiful. Being pregnant doesn't change that. In fact..."

Jamie narrowed her eyes. "If you say something about that pregnant lady glow, I am going to slap you," she warned him.

He laughed. "Duly noted. What I'm trying to say is that you're carrying my child, and I... I know neither of us planned for this to happen, but I can't pretend like it doesn't feel kind of right." He hesitated and then leaned closer to her so their mouths were just a hair's breadth away. "I love you, you know."

Jamie's breath caught, and she blinked for a second. She'd told Simon that she loved him back when he'd agreed to be in this with her, but he hadn't said it back right then. And Jamie had convinced herself that it was alright. She didn't need to hear the words as long as he was going to be there with her. But of course, late at night when she was alone and tired and sore, she started to think about what might happen if Simon found someone else. If he fell in love with a woman who wasn't her.

Apparently, she needn't have worried.

"Really?" she murmured.

"Yes. It's always been you, Jamie. I'm just really stupid sometimes."

She laughed, almost like she couldn't believe it. After all these years he was finally saying that he felt the same as she did, and it felt like her heart was swelling. With a grin, she threw her arms around him. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

And god, there was nothing better than hearing it back and knowing that he meant it. After all this time. Quite without her permission, tears welled up in her eyes and she was crying before she knew it.

"Hey, hey," Simon said, wiping her face.

"Stupid hormones," Jamie grumbled.

Simon laughed and opened the car door for her. "C'mon. Let's get home and we can eat ice cream and watch a movie or something. How does that sound?"

It sounded amazing, and Jamie was more than happy to have that be the plan for the rest of the night. 

Her days were mostly spent with her mother in the mornings, working in the early afternoon, and going to doctor's visits. She tried to time everything so that Simon could be around, and the first time they heard their baby's heartbeat, Simon had cried.

"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" the doctor asked.

"No," the two of them said at the same time and then laughed.

Later when they were lying in bed together, Simon's arms wrapped around Jamie's body, one hand stroking her hair while she used his chest as a pillow, he spoke up. "Does it matter to you? Whether it's a girl or a boy?"

Jamie shook her head. "Not really, no. I just want it to be healthy and okay and all that. And for the delivery to not take one million hours. Mom never stops telling the story about how the nurse didn't believe she was in labor when she came in to give birth to me because she was so calm about it, and then I was sticking my head out before the doctor was even ready, but knowing my luck, it'll be one of those horrific fifty hour ordeals."

"Don't say that," Simon admonished her. "I'm sure it'll go fine."

"Mm, let's hope so. Do you care? If it's a boy or a girl?"

"Nope. Not in the slightest. I think it'll be a challenge either way, but we'll adapt. We've been doing really well at that so far, right? Making this work the best we can?"

Jamie nodded. They really had been doing their best. Even with Simon working and living hours away, he was there when Jamie needed him and when he couldn't be there she had her mother and her friends in the town. She wasn't alone.

Around her seventh month, Jamie and Sal had a discussion about her not being on her feet all the time as a waitress.

"You know," Sal said. "I do need some clerical work done. I keep saying I'm gonna get somebody in here to do it for me, but then I never do. If you want something to keep you making money that's not slinging coffee and fries, you could do that?"

"Sounds good to me. Thanks, Sal."

And so the seventh month of her pregnancy was largely spent in the office at The Pit, organizing files, making phone calls, and setting up a calendar for deliveries. It was simple enough work that kept her occupied, and she was grateful for it.

It was during one of her breaks that Adam finally spoke to her again. Around the time when she's started to show, he had stopped greeting her when she came in and started avoiding her eyes. Kathryn had given her the 'I told you so' look, and Jamie had just sighed and ignored both of them.

She wasn't interested in Adam, and she had more important things to worry about now than him being upset with her for not doing anything at all.

"Can we talk?" Adam asked when he saw her stepping out of the office.

Jamie was wary, but she nodded. "Sure. What's up?"

He gestured for her to follow him, and he led the way out to the back, to the spot where Jamie had once stood and smoked on her breaks. She'd given that up once she'd confirmed that she was pregnant, and she didn't really miss it, although she'd yet to come up with something else for stress relief.

"So," Adam said. "You're pregnant."

Jamie gave him a look. "Good eye, Adam."

"I'm just. It's Simon's. Every body knows that. And he's been here a lot more than he used to be. So I just. Is he going to marry you?"

"I..." That wasn't a question she'd spent a lot of time thinking about. The truth was that she didn't
need
Simon to marry her. She'd only ever needed him. There were enough big changes going on in their lives right now that she was pretty sure that was one of the last things on either of their minds. "Maybe one day," Jamie answered finally. "Why?"

"I just wondered. I. You probably already know this, but I've had a thing for you pretty much since I got here, and. I just wanted to make sure you were going to be taken care of. That's all."

Most of her irritation with him melted away at that. He looked so earnest standing there with his hands shoved into his pockets, and Jamie smiled at him. "Thanks, Adam. That means a lot to me. But you know, Simon's gonna make sure I'm taken care of and that our kid is taken care of. You don't need to worry. And I'm sorry that you've always been into me. I've... sort of always been Simon's. Even before you got here."

And that had never been more true than it was just then.