Where the Memories Lie (23 page)

‘And it was my fault!’ Chris cried.

‘It wasn’t your fault. Don’t be ridiculous!’ Nadia sighed impa-

tiently, her shock being replaced with anger. ‘Stop being so full of self-pity all the time. No wonder Abby left you.’

‘Hey, that’s not fair,’ I said to her. ‘Come on, we’re all upset. It doesn’t mean we have to go round attacking each other. That’s not

going to get us anywhere.’

‘Sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.’ Nadia scrunched her face up.

‘This is really difficult.’ She looked at Lucas. ‘We’ve got to tell the girls something and I’m dreading it.’

‘Me, too,’ I said.

‘What shall we do?’ Lucas stroked his glass absentmindedly.

‘I’m all for delaying telling them but they’ll have to know some

time. The police will be asking questions, looking for witnesses. It won’t take long to get round the village.’

‘That’s what I said,’ I agreed.

‘Do you want to come and stay at ours?’ Lucas asked. ‘I can’t

imagine what Anna will think of living next door to where Katie was found.’ He jerked his head in the general direction of the garage.

‘Thanks. Nadia already offered. I think it’s probably a good idea

for the moment, but I need to talk to Ethan.’ My gaze strayed to

my watch again.

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‘The police want to talk to you, too,’ Chris said to Lucas,

picking up the whisky bottle and bringing it to the table before he slumped down on a chair.

‘Well, I won’t be able to tell them much. I can’t remember

anything about the last time I
saw Katie. It was years ago.’

Nadia’s hand strayed to Lucas’s arm again. He grabbed it and

held on tight, giving her a loving and supportive smile. There was

still no outward sign he was having an affair. He was obviously as

good at hiding things as Nadia was. As Katie had been.

‘No, I didn’t remember much, either,’ Nadia said. ‘I’d forgotten

all about us going to the pub that night until you mentioned it.

How can we be expected to remember what happened twenty-five

years ago?’

‘I remember some things because I thought about it a lot after

she left.’ I cradled the mug. ‘I felt guilty that I hadn’t stopped her or done more for her. I feel even more guilty now, knowing what’s

happened.’

‘Me, too,’ Chris said.

‘You had nothing to feel guilty about, mate.’ Lucas gave Chris

one of those men slaps on the back.

‘I still loved her and I let her walk off.’

‘You were too young,’ Nadia said. ‘It wouldn’t have worked out

even if you’d got back together. There was a reason you split up

with her.’

Chris looked up through hooded eyes at her. ‘You can be so

cold sometimes.’

‘It’s not being cold. It’s being practical. I’m trying to help.’

‘Well, it’s not helping.’ Chris swallowed some more whisky.

‘OK, OK. Olivia’s right – there’s no point arguing amongst

ourselves,’ Lucas said gently. ‘We should all be supporting each

other instead. We’ve got to stick together and somehow get through

this with as little damage to the family as possible.’

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Where the Memories Lie

‘So what do you suggest we do, then?’ Chris said bitterly, his

words beginning to slur. He muttered something else unintelligible.

I didn’t hear the rest of the conversation, though, because my

mobile phone rang from somewhere in my handbag on the island.

It was Ethan.

‘Hi, how is he? Has he calmed down now?’ I said before he

could even say hello.

His next words came out of nowhere and blew me away.

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Chapter Nineteen

Dad’s killed himself.’ Ethan’s voice sounded wrong. Far

away and disjointed, as if he was in a long tunnel.

‘What?’ I gasped, hoping I’d heard him wrong.

‘He . . . he stepped off the cliff. He just . . . went over.’

‘What do you mean, “went over”?’

‘I don’t know if he meant to do it or if it was just an accident.

I . . . I’m waiting here for the police.’

‘No.’ I shook my head, staring at the others with wide-eyed

shock.

‘He was so agitated when you left, it took ages to get him dressed.

When we finally got to the car park at Durdle Door he refused to

go in the wheelchair – he wanted to walk. We were walking along

the usual path and we got to near the bench we always sit on. And

then . . . Christ, Olivia. It was just so . . . it was like everything happened in fast motion. We were talking, and then he got angry

with me. He was confused. I didn’t really know what he was going

on about and he wasn’t making any sense. We were standing near

the edge of the cliff and he told me to leave him alone!’ Ethan’s voice rose to a shriek. ‘He pushed me away from him. He . . . he . . .’

‘It’s OK, darling, take your time.’

Where the Memories Lie

‘I tried to calm him down, but he wouldn’t listen, so I thought

I should give him a bit of space. I turned back and walked towards

the bench, hoping it would give him time to calm down. But when

I got there and looked back at him, he was staring at me. And

then . . . then there was this moment, where he had this expression of clarity on his face, and then he turned around and stepped off the cliff. By the time I got to where he’d been standing he was . . . he was gone. Shit!’ He yelled so loud it made me pull the phone away

from my ear for a second. ‘I can’t . . . I can’t believe it happened.’

I tried to avoid looking at the others, who were all wearing

expressions of worried expectation.

‘Liv, it’s . . . oh, God.’

‘I’m so sorry. So sorry.’ I closed my eyes, the tears smarting

behind my eyelids. Part of me felt a rush of emotion. Part of me felt numb, disbelieving.

‘Oh, the police are here now. I have to go. I’ll see you soon.’

He hung up.

I stood there, phone still pressed to my ear, blinking away the

tears, not really seeing anything in front of me.

‘What’s happened?’ Nadia rose and walked towards me. ‘Has

Dad had another heart attack?’

I couldn’t speak, just let the tears snake down my cheeks.

She grabbed my shoulders and shook me. ‘What’s happened?’

I stepped out of her grip, took a tumbler from the cupboard

and sat down at the kitchen table. ‘Tom’s just taken his own life.’

I poured myself a large whisky and didn’t stop drinking until I’d

swallowed the whole lot. It burned on the way down, igniting fire

inside the pit of my stomach, which was already delicate from not

eating all day, from the constant jangling nerves. I wanted it to

anaesthetise me. Make everything go away.

‘Suicide?’ Nadia sat next to me, her expression dazed, shaking

her head. ‘No. How on earth could he do that?’

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‘He . . . um . . . he stepped off the cliffs at Durdle Door.’

I poured myself another drink. The bottle was almost empty.

Nadia leaned her elbows on the table and flopped her head

in her hands, her hair falling over the table and shielding her face as her shoulders shook with sobs.

Lucas’s face drained of colour. He slid his arm around Nadia

and drew her closer, rubbing her head in soft strokes. ‘I’m really

sorry, darling. This is . . . wow. I can’t believe it. Any of it.’

‘He can’t have killed himself.’ Chris shook his head vacantly.

I retrieved another bottle of whisky from the cupboard − an

old, expensive single malt thing that Ethan had been saving for

a special occasion. Murder and suicide trumped special occasion,

any day.

I topped up all our glasses. We were silent for a while, lost in

our own stunned thoughts, grief filtering in slowly.

‘Who knows what was running through his mind,’ I said.

‘Ethan said he wasn’t sure if he meant to do it or he was just con-

fused because he was angry and upset. Maybe it’s a good thing.

What was the alternative?’

‘But surely the police wouldn’t have prosecuted a seventy-

five-year-old Alzheimer’s patient for murder?’ Lucas said. ‘It

wouldn’t be in their interests, would it?’

‘I very much doubt it,’ I said, rocking back and forth in my

chair, wrapping my arms around my stomach.

Nadia let out a shuddering sob. Lucas kissed the top of

her head.

I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. ‘But he was

dying, anyway. Either another heart attack would’ve got him or the

Alzheimer’s would’ve given him a slow death. As painful as this is, I think it was better for him.’
But what about for us?
I wanted to say.

What was best for us now? How could Tom do this to us all and

then just jump off the cliff ?

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‘This is your fault!’ Nadia suddenly sat up straight, pointing an

accusing finger at me, her eyes wide, eyelashes clumped together

with damp, salty tears. ‘If you hadn’t said anything, none of this

would’ve happened and Dad would still be here.’

A ball of guilt exploded in my chest at the force of her words.

‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. Any of it.

Maybe I should’ve kept quiet. I just—’

‘Yes, maybe you should have,’ Nadia hissed.

‘How could she have kept quiet about it, love?’ Lucas stroked

Nadia’s shoulder. ‘Olivia couldn’t have kept it a secret. It’s not fair to give her the responsibility of all this.’

Once again we were lost in our own silent thoughts. The only

sounds permeating the room were sniffs and sobs and the ticking

of the kitchen clock that seemed to reverberate right through me.

‘We’ve got to tell Charlotte,’ Nadia suddenly muttered, smooth-

ing away the hair from her damp cheeks. She gripped Lucas’s hand.

‘I don’t want to tell her. I don’t want to get her upset.’

‘Darling, we have to say something. This isn’t something we can

hide.’ Lucas’s eyebrows furrowed together.

‘But that means it’ll be the end of it now, won’t it?’ Nadia tried

to give a brave smile but it wavered on her face. ‘Dad confessed and now he’s . . . he’s gone, so maybe we can keep a lid on this. There won’t be a police investigation and . . .’ She looked around the room wildly. ‘. . . and maybe we won’t have to even tell the girls. We can just say there was an accident and Dad fell off the cliffs.’

‘People are going to talk, though,’ I said. ‘We can’t avoid this

forever. The police have to tell Rose about what happened to Katie, and it will get out like that. It will be in the papers. Maybe even on the TV.’

‘Oh, no,’ Nadia groaned.

Chris downed more whisky, seemingly oblivious to the discus-

sion going on around him.

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‘Poor Ethan, witnessing that,’ I said. ‘He told me Tom was

angry and that he walked off to give him a bit of space to calm

down, but then he looked at Ethan and just stepped over the cliff.

The police arrived when we were on the phone so he couldn’t tell

me any more.’

‘Shall I go up there?’ Lucas suggested. ‘He might need a bit of

moral support.’

‘By the time you get there, they’ll probably be sending him

home,’ I said.

‘Do you think Tom knew what he was doing?’ Lucas asked.

Chris pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. When he

released them again, his eyes glistened with sadness and something

else. Anger. He reached for the bottle and poured another couple

of inches into his empty glass. He missed the edge and some of it

spilled onto the table. ‘Yes.’ He sneered. ‘I think he knew exactly what he was doing. Why would take his own life otherwise? He

killed Katie and he couldn’t stand the guilt anymore. I didn’t want to believe Dad could do something like that, but now I do. He

killed her all right. Why else would he jump off a cliff ?’

‘How can you say that?’ Nadia shrieked at him.

I put a hand on Chris’s shoulder but he shook it away.

Lucas gripped Nadia’s hand. ‘I know you want to protect him,

darling, but—’

‘Don’t, OK?’ She jerked her hand out of his grasp. ‘Just don’t.’

‘Look, I’ve got to go and meet the school bus now − I can’t leave

it any longer.’ I stood up.

Nadia wiped her eyes. She blew her nose forcefully with a

tissue from her bag and thrust it in her trouser pocket. Then she

squared her shoulders and stood up. ‘I’ll come with you. We’ll bring them back here and then we can all tell them together,’ she said

firmly, back in control.

‘Shall I come with you?’ Lucas said.

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Where the Memories Lie

Nadia waved him off. ‘No, I can manage.’

Nadia and I walked up the road in silence and waited at the bus

stop. The same bus stop where Chris was sitting when he saw Katie

walk past, heading towards her death. What if she’d stopped and

spoken to him that day? What if they’d chatted and Chris hadn’t

gotten on the bus, and she hadn’t walked towards the barn? Would

she still be alive now? If she was five or ten minutes later going

down the road, would that have made a difference? Would Tom still

have killed her and buried her body?

An uncontrollable shudder shook me. I rubbed my arms and

shifted from foot to foot in the silence. There were no words to say.

Nothing seemed good enough for the events that had unfolded and

shattered our family like an atomic bomb mushrooming through