Where You Can Find Me (8 page)

The hand resting on my knee began sliding up my thigh until his fingers brushed against my lips. He slipped his finger against me and skimmed my clit before pushing two fingers deep into me. “So wet. So ready for me.”

“Always,” I gasped. “I’m always ready for you.” I didn’t care if I sounded desperate. I
was
desperate. He drove me further and further to fever pitch and I didn’t care anymore how I sounded or if I appeared confident. His fingers pushed in and out of me and curled up with each shove in. He switched from gentle caresses to rough plunges deep into me. His thumb relentlessly circled my clit driving me closer and closer to the edge, but never delivering direct enough pressure to push me over.

I growled in frustration deep in my chest while he answered with a chuckle. “Do you want to come, baby?”

“Yes. Please.” I breathlessly gave my answers, my body moving restlessly on the bed. One hand wrapped around his head that still played with my nipples while the other grasped at sheets searching for something to ground me in the storm he caused within me.

“I love it when you beg. I love it when I know that you are mine.” He began moving his fingers harder, adding a third stretching me. His thumb now rubbed directly across my clit, back and forth. “Because you are. You’re mine.” I couldn’t respond with words, I just nodded my head, whimpering affirmative noises. “Good girl. Now come all over my hand, baby.” A heat permeated my cheeks and I could feel the walls of my pussy finally begin to throb as I started to fall over the edge, squeezing his fingers tight. His words pushing me closer. “Come for me so I can make love to you.”

And I did. I felt like every muscle in my body tightened and my back arched off the bed as I held my breath, cherishing the waves that swallowed me whole. As the first one crashed, a moan tore from my throat. I was lost at sea unable to control myself. Goose bumps spread over my body. My hand dug into the sheets as I tried to catch my breath again. Just as I started to come back up for air I heard the crinkle of a condom being opened as Jack flipped me over to my stomach. He lifted my hips and shoved himself inside me.

“Oh, fuck,” I moaned again.

He squeezed my hips with a bruising grip as he pushed all the way in. I could feel his balls resting against my clit as he stopped there while we both caught our breath. He dragged his hands from my hips up to my shoulders and pulled me upright, onto my knees. My head rested on his shoulder while my back arched away from his chest, trying to keep him as deep as I could.

“You know you’re mine.” Jack pulled out and thrusted back in causing my tits to bounce from the force of it. He moved a hand down my stomach until it reached my pussy. “You know this cunt is mine.” His hand moved up to roughly pinch my nipple. I gasped as the pain pulsated through me turning to a deep pleasure. “You know these tits are mine.” He stayed to play with both my nipples. My breaths came fast and short. My core squeezed him tighter trying to get any type of friction. His hand moved up and wrapped around my neck. “Say it, Luella.” He bit my ear. “Tell me you’re mine.”

“Yes,” I breathed out. It was all I was capable of.

“Good girl.”

Those were the last words spoken as he began powering in and out of me. Each thrust caused my breasts to bounce and whimpers to escape my mouth. They started off slow but soon picked up pace as we both raced toward an unseen finish. He grunted with each quick thrust. He never stopped pushing in as far as I let him, as though he thought the deeper he was the more he could claim of me. But it was too late because I was already his.

“Come on, Luella. Come with me, baby,” he grunted his words out. I couldn’t take the pressure anymore. “Make me come. Use that tight little cunt and squeeze me tight.” He reached down and slapped my pussy, sliding his fingers between my lips to pinch my clit.

And I started coming. I came so hard I began to blackout from not breathing. The ringing in my ears drowned out the moans coming from Jack behind me. He held himself still as he spilled everything inside me. My body began to relax and I curled myself back into his chest feeling his heart beat hard against my back; his breaths gasped in my ear. He slowly eased out and we both moaned.

I lay down and he removed the condom to throw it in the bathroom trash. He came back to bed and curled up behind me. I rearranged myself closer to him while he wrapped his arms around my waist and held me tight. My breathing finally evened out while he began to gently nuzzle my neck and ear. It felt more affectionate than erotic. A feeling of contentment slid over me and I squeezed the arm wrapped tightly around me.

“I meant what I said, Lu. You’re mine. You can put whatever label on it that you want, but I’m done pretending we are anything less than each other’s. No one else’s,” he ended with a small kiss right under my ear.

I let the words sink into me and tried to grasp how they made me feel. But the contentment remained firmly in place. I was okay with only being his. I was better than okay; I was good. Turning in his arms and resting on my back, I looked up at him, trying to show him how he made me feel. I took a deep breath and left it at, “Okay.”

I lifted my head to place a soft kiss on his lips. When my head hit the pillow I failed miserably at hiding the joyous smile that spread across my lips. A smile so big I thought my cheeks would cramp. I covered my face, a little embarrassed by my lack of control. I wanted to be cool and collected, but I hadn’t felt this way with anyone in a long, long time. I had dated other people, but on a superficial level and with Jack it went so much deeper.

Pulling my hands away from my face he asked, “Why are you being so shy? Your smile is beautiful. I love that I can make you smile this big. You should smile this big all the time.”

“It’s been awhile since I’ve smiled this big. It’s been awhile since I’ve let myself be this close to someone.” At my confession, I saw the questions cross his face. My smile slipped a little remembering seeing him and my brother talking. Remembering the pity I briefly saw in his eyes before he masked it. I didn’t know what Jameson had told him, but he shouldn’t have. It was my place to tell Jack in a time and in a way that I preferred, that I controlled. But since those secrets were already hinted at, my time was now. Looking away with a wry smile, I started. “You know, anyone associated with the military would have been the last person I thought I would ever be with.”

He squinted his eyes in confusion and asked, “Hey now, what’s wrong with a military man?”

Dropping my words to a whisper, “They ... uh … bring up bad memories for me.”

“I’m sorry, Luella. I had no idea. Well, actually that’s a lie. Now that I think about it, I guess I did notice you tense up every time I mentioned a story of my time in the Army. I’m so sorry. I should have paid more attention and stopped.”

I quickly rushed to correct him, shaking my head, “No. No, I don’t want you to think that at all. I want to hear your stories. They are a part of you and I want to know every part of you. I’m sorry I tensed up. It’s something I struggle with. I’ve struggled with some not-so-great decisions.” I paused, unsure of how to continue or how much to tell. I didn’t want him to think any less of me or the struggles I had been through. My breathing started coming a little faster as a small amount of panic settled in. What if he
did
think less of me?

“Hey, Lu.” He brushed my hair back from my face and tilted my chin up to look at him. “It’s okay. We all make not-so-great decisions.” He pressed his lips softly to mine. He pulled back and looked straight in my eyes. “Look, I know you saw your brother talking to me and what he said doesn’t change anything. I know how brothers can be. Hell, I am one. He only asked me about your drinking lately and asked me to keep an eye on it. And … Shit. I can see you’re getting pissed.” I clamped my jaw tight and felt my nostrils flaring trying to take deep breaths to calm my anger. “I’m doing this all wrong.” Jack dropped his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m ruining the whole damn night.” He lifted his head and I could see his regret. “I’m sorry, Lu.”

My anger softened a little. “Don’t be sorry. Please. It’s not your fault. I’m pissed at Jameson for opening his stupid mouth. I’m not mad at you at all. Just ... embarrassed.”

“Don’t be embarrassed. Like I said, you’re mine. All of you. The good and the bad. The secrets you’ve shared and the ones you still hold close. I accept all of it. Like I hope you accept mine. I’m a mess just trying to hold it together to impress a beautiful woman. I hope when things start getting messy we stand by each other. Okay?” He moved his head down trying to catch my eyes.

I nodded my head and decided to go for it. The panic that lurked in the shadows had me in its grasp now. I could feel myself taking deep breaths, trying to control it. I could feel the stinging behind my eyes as I prepared to admit my biggest weaknesses and saddest moments.

“The reason Jameson asked you about how much I was drinking is because I had serious drinking problem for about a year when I was twenty-one.” I quickly shifted my eyes to his to see his reaction but only saw curiosity and no judgment.

“Is it something you still struggle with?”

I shook my head. “No. It was more circumstantial than a craving.” I paused trying to gather myself. I stared straight up at the ceiling and could feel the pain wash over me the same as the day it happened. I could feel the almost numb acceptance and excruciating heartache of the truth as it settled deep in my heart. Time does not heal all wounds. But time does allow for the acceptance of the wound and the ability to learn to cope with it. Time doesn’t heal a lost limb, but you do learn how to function without it. It took me a long time and a lot of alcohol to accept it.

My voice barely a whisper, I confessed my wound. “My brother, Asher, died in Afghanistan when I was twenty-one.” I could feel Jack tense next to me, but I didn’t have the ability to turn and look at him. I just stared at the ceiling and kept talking.

“He was my Irish twin. We were born less than a year apart and he was my best damn friend.” I could feel my tears slipping down the sides of my face into my ears but I could do nothing to stop the storm of pain, only breathe through it and try and control the size of it. “Jameson was so much older than us and even though he and Asher bonded together through sports, Asher and I shared a bond as well. We may as well have been actual twins. That’s the kind of bond we had. When our parents died, Jameson became an island and stepped in as the parental figure. So Asher and I clung to each other tighter. When I enrolled to college he kept putting it off saying he wasn’t sure where he wanted to go until one day he told me he signed up for the Army. I panicked at the idea of him leaving me, but he just hugged me and told me that no matter where he went, he would always be with me. He joined up to be in the Special Forces and died on his first trip overseas when an IED blew up his Humvee.”

I knew I sounded hollow when I retold the story, but it was the only way I knew how to get it out. “I’ll never,
ever
forget when they came to the door.” My breath caught, remembering the feeling that slipped over my body, seeing two men in uniform on the other side.

It’s your biggest fear. And you think you know how it would feel during those times your mind wanders to the worst-case scenario. But
nothing
could have ever prepared me for the sheer force of pain that settled over me without any words having to be spoken. I remember closing the door after empty words were exchanged and just laid on the floor in our entryway in the fetal position as sounds of a wounded animal came tearing from my chest. I laid there until Jameson came home hitting me with the door when he opened it.

They say time heals all wounds; but nothing feels healed as I remember those moments.

I could feel my body shuddering through the tears as Jack tried to calm me. His arms wrapped tight around me as he rocked me and brushed his hand through my hair. “Shh, baby. I know. I know. I’m so sorry, baby.” He repeated those words over and over again as I tried to control the storm. My chest bounced with each short intake of air. After a few more moments of falling apart, I finally started taking deep breaths that shook my chest as I exhaled, slowly calming down again. “Shh, baby. You don’t have to tell me anymore. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.”

With one last cleansing breath I let his strength seep inside me and I used it to continue. “No, it’s okay. I really don’t want to do this again. I started and I want to finish it.”

Jack nodded his head and kept his arms wrapped tight around me. “Anyways, as you can imagine, I struggled through the loss and I started drinking. A lot. I drank all the time and for the most part I would still able to function fine. On the weekends, I had less to keep me busy so I drank more. I would go to parties and try to forget. I had a lot of random,
stupid
sex.” I shook my head, remembering my stupidity. “I was missing my other half and I needed to feel something positive again and I tried to find it with sex. Problem was that I was so drunk all the time I didn’t remember a lot of it. About nine months into my endeavor I got pregnant. I didn’t know. I didn’t know until I had a miscarriage. That just set off another string of events and I began drinking more. I was in school for a lot of this time, but in the beginning I think everyone just thought I was acting off because I was mourning. Then summer came and no one really noticed. Jameson didn’t make me work and he was dealing with his own loss at the same time. He didn’t know what to do with me. It was in my second semester of the following year that I made a mistake in my research lab. I had a professor take me aside and told me he knew I was coming into lab drunk and if I didn’t get my shit together then I would be removed, which would cause me to lose my scholarship.

“Even that wasn’t enough. Everything after that happened within the span of a week. The spiral downhill starts out wide and slow, but in the end the circles get smaller and faster and out of control. That’s about what happened to me. I got into a huge fight with Jameson. He said he wouldn’t stand by and watch the only family he had left destroy herself and if I didn’t clean myself up he was leaving me behind. At that point I didn’t fucking care. I was in a bottomless pit of despair and his rage toward me pushed me lower. Later that week I got so drunk I got alcohol poisoning. I almost choked on my own vomit if not for someone there to turn me over. I don’t know who it was but they took me to the hospital. When I came to, I woke to Jameson crying at my bedside. When he saw I was awake he began sobbing and begging me to stop.”